Archive for July, 2008
“Let Go” by Frou Frou
Garden State Soundtrack and Film Clips
Note: Awesome Film
This is a real fucking blast you know? *rolls eyes* I think I even made a typo in my first goddamn cover letter!
You fucking asshole, PA!
*bangs head against wall*
I think the second cover letter was alright. I don’t know if the job is still available, though. On one website (a public one), it had a deadline that was still in the future but on the “real” website where the job was, it wasn’t listed. Huh. It may be over my head but apply anyway. Sweet cash! Hell, that’s why you apply nonetheless, right?
So I need a break.
I’m going to stream this MP3 in honour of me finally getting around to actually applying. Again, it may be funny; it may not be.
I don’t really think ol’ Gwen and I have that much in common. I mean, I’m not going to run off with my “next career” and sell a million plus records or anything. And WTF is/was up with the whole “Harajuku Girl/s” thing, you know? I never really got that, oh Gwenny-Gwen. Can you email me and let me know? That is when you’re not too busy raking in all that cash when you’re “…back into Japan get me lots of brand new fans…”
I’m sure it’ll only take you a minute. That is unless you have no bloody clue what it is or was all about either.
Granted, I do love my Anime and Manga–and as per my comment in my last post I bought myself some Manga today actually. Somehow I don’t think Gwenny-Gwen gives a toss about Anime and/or Manga, however.
Still, the song is all about getting yourself out there even though you’re shitting your damn pants.
I’m not a big fan of Gwenny-Gwen, really. Or the CD. A couple of tracks, alright? *shrug* What convinced me to completely make the “impulse buy” was when it was playing in a store while I was shopping for some clothes. I just loved the line where I heard her say to herself: “…take a chance you stupid ho…” I thought that was quite funny.
Take a chance you stupid, ho PA!
Of course the song will eventually slip off the radar while this post will remain permanent, so it’s “What You Waiting For?” by Gwen Stefani. It was written because she went solo with this CD and left her band ‘No Doubt.’
Hey, at least she’s telling me I’m “…still a super-hot female…”
Thanks, Gwenny-Gwen. *laughing*
Last night I (hopefully lovingly?) told everyone to just calm down and take care of themselves! For the love of Zeus!
As my evening went on, things became such a veritable disaster I had a mega-meltdown! Even the person I had agreed to meet for dinner completely lost it! As a result from my total spaz-out, I have been the most non-functional piece of garbage all bloody day. And it is not the alcohol I consumed. No, that was just a way to try and help me to deal!
It’s stress. I can feel it coursing through every part of my body right now. I am feeling so extremely awful. I have not felt this bad…well, maybe since I initially lost my job but definitely since I went into hospital last year.
Just having that resonate is extremely ugly. It makes me want to go completely spastic even more! Bless you my lovely “Researcher” for bringing me somewhere remotely close to this planet of ours; both last night and tonight. You are awesome.
So now it’s my turn. I am not, nor have I ever been, very good at taking my own advice. Start with reading your own post from last night, PA. That is not to say I’m going all “suicidal” or ready to cut. No. It is quite simply the fact that my stress levels have reached an unbelievable level. I have no choice but to recognise this as it’s being forced in my face, rammed down my throat, shoved up my ass…let’s just keep filling up every other goddamn orifice too, shall we?
However, at this point I think it is fair to make an admission? I may sound all quite fine and dandy on my blog a lot of the time but I may not be. Now, I most certainly am not!
At this time, I need to take a big, fucking “Time Out” myself! I need to “turn things off,” “shut things down” for if I don’t…I fear a descent into hell (or the current one) will become a “hell” of a lot quicker.
So that’s it. I need to take some time for myself (…try really hard to…not something I do very well…) But it’s absolutely necessary.
Do you ever notice patterns?
The silly phrase: “There must be something in the water!”
Not necessarily a pattern. It could be a Tidal Wave. A Tsunami? Crap… I’m too damn tired to even think of any more water references.
HERE ME OUT EVERYONE OUT THERE!
YOU JUST SETTLE YOUR SWEET ASSES DOWN!
I don’t care if you are my lovelies online or in real life but I know that a whole whack of you are going through immense hell now! Yep! I’ve been in contact with…well not barrel but a bucket of you.
So now listen to Dr. PA she knows best.
DO NOT FUCKING SCREW WITH BOGUS SUICIDE ATTEMPTS (THIS IS HARSH BUT REALLY…YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE–IT’S THE ILLNESS TALKING–TRUST ME)
SELF-HARM: THIS IS TOUGH ONE. IT ALWAYS IS. I DON’T WANT YOU TO. I REALLY DON’T AS ABOVE
SETTLE YOUR SWEET ASS DOWN!!! TRY VERY HARD NOT TO CUT. I KNOW IT’S HARD BUT YOU WILL BE VERY HAPPY THAT YOU DIDN’T IF YOU DON’T. TRUST ME. I’M A FUCKING CUTTER!!!
I’m not sure what else to say. I love all of you who needed to talk tonight. Even those in real life who don’t read my blog. I just hope I got a chance to talk to all. There were…a few?
I hope everyone is okay…
*PA chugs pint*
No worries; no seizures. *laughing*
Just everyone take care, okay?
Not that it’s a “trigger” per se?
I’m getting tired of this. I know, you all might be too? *wry grin*
I decided to get up, go out and finally use my legs after being laid up for a week. I grabbed baby MacBook and went out to one of my local pubs. Not to worry, kids. No getting trashed or anything.
Hmmm… Two pints… Oddly reminiscent of Tuesday night and whatever the hell happened there! What I deemed to have been “The Big Ass Simple Partial Motor Seizure?” Yes, I think that is what I called it?
You see, I am indeed getting a bit tired of trying to figure out my bloody “idiotpathic” seizures. I can’t even be arsed to check my blog for the accuracy of what I said! Now that tells you something because I am precise as all hell about things like that!
After the same amount, I started to get some twitchy, trunk spasms. Was sending texts to lovely “Researcher” all the while and “Fumbly Fingers” finally gave up and just called her on her damn mobile to make life a bit easier. “Hi, Love. I’m fine but what gives with this stupid ass bullshit? Pretty bizzarro, don’tcha think?”
Now, I have been Google’ing my sorry butt off and the majority of conflicting bogroll “documentation” out there is all to do with alcohol withdrawal seizures and not alcohol induced seizures. Maybe something about lowering your threshold (which is different than a trigger–it just makes you more susceptible–fine line.) It has long been debated and stated that some (or a lot of–or all!) people with Epilepsy and Seizure Disorders can not drink. However, a lot (the most), of what I am reading says they can in moderation. Who’s to say?
Probably only the folks who seize and drink and then seize.
There are no decent studies. It is so poorly understood. Just like my “idiotpathic” seizures anyway?
So, it couldn’t have been withdrawal. “The Big Ass?” Well, okay. The last time I did drink prior, “fell” (yuk, yuk), within a 72 hour period? But a withdrawal seizure occurs when you are not drinking. Correct me if I am wrong? Not when you do. That’s the difference between it being “induced.” After not drinking for an ENTIRE WEEK (and that’s probably a long stretch for me these days?) I didn’t seize!
Not to mention stress, my funkified sleep schedule of late, maybe screwy diet (that’s been going on since what seems time immemorial with the gastro wackiness anyway…) Gee, what else can I add in there?
Fuck this shit. I give up. *PA tosses confetti in air*
This is becoming a goddamn, piss-wipe, roundabout, go-shove-a-poll-up-it, pain.
I swear to god! I feels rather nice to finally get off my bed! Not that I don’t like my bed. In fact, I love it. However, I must say that I have never been bedridden for an entire week–roughly. Yes? The last time I was basically ambulatory was last Saturday. I was fairly good yesterday but I still thought it best to laze around all day.
I had planned to actually go out and get some groceries today but blessed Grocery Man has come to the rescue! He called earlier but I was still sleeping. He actually called to see if I wanted to do a grocery run with him today. We hadn’t spoken since he came to my “rescue” (yet again), to bring me the Robaxecet last Sunday. *PA makes frowny face at Robaxcet*
Anyway, he knew nothing about the aftermath of that, nor the Seizure-y Goodness. So, he offered to take wee PA out tomorrow. This is a good thing. She does have some food but really. Things are getting quite sparse in the sustenance department.
Oh, but this is good! I have been waiting simply forever for this to show up on YouTube which can be quite stupid and frustrating I am finding these days. I don’t know why. Is it me or is it YouTube? No matter.
As a result, I have only been able to stream the song and not play the video. I have been in love with this song ever since it came out when I was a teenager. It suits me quite well in terms of the lyrics because I’m rather pathetic in the romance department? Granted, at least I have a good sense of humour like Lloyd?
And true, this past period wasn’t a “Lost Weekend,” no…it was a “Lost Week.” Also, I didn’t go to Amsterdam. More like to the Moon first and then off to Saturn for a bit. *laughing*
Lost Weekend by Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
It took a lost weekend in a hotel in Amsterdam
And double pneumonia in a single room
And the sickest joke was the price of the medicine
Are you laughing at me now may I please laugh along with you
This morning I woke up from a deep unquiet sleep
With ashtray clothes and miss lonely heart’s pen
With which I wrote for you a love song in tattoo
Upon my palm ’twas stolen from me when jesus took my hand
You see I, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it
Drop me and I’ll fall to pieces so easily
I was a king bee with a head full of attitude
Wore my heart on my sleeve like a stain
My aim was to taboo you
Could we meet in the marketplace
Did I ever hey please did you wound my knees
You see I, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it
Drop me and I’ll fall to pieces
Yes it’s too easy and theres nobody else to blame
Will I hang my head in a crying shame
There is nobody else to blame, nobody else except my sweet self
Again it took a lost weekend in a hotel in Amsterdam
Twenty four gone years to conclude in tears
That the sickest joke was the price of the medicine
Are you laughing at me now
May I please laugh along
I was a king bee with a head full of attitude
And ashtray heart on my sleeve wounded knees
And my one love song was a tattoo upon my palm
You wrote upon me when you took my hand
You see I, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it
Drop me and I’ll fall to pieces too easily
I think I’m starting to somewhat come back to reality (what exactly is that anyway?) Well, whatever it is in terms of my definition. Not so much phonophobia (can listen to some music at a decent volume) and photophobia (constantly adjusting my screen on baby MacBook was driving me nuts!) Postictal headache? Seems to be definitely subsiding–I don’t even think I mentioned that in my prior posts being so out of it.
*removes ball cap and hair tie for a bit more comfort*
Ahhh…comfort? I took a shower today *laughing* I’m wearing my scrubs today too. That always makes me happy as well (Srubs Slut…Scrubs Slut…REDRUM…REDRUM…) Sorry, everyone. That’s a joke from a post a while back. I wanted to take a shower yesterday but too tired. No sweet, pretty gal here to take wee PA into the bath and give her a nice relaxing cleanse. *giggle*
Actually, showers are kind of a “no-no” if you’re all seizure-y. Not that I thought I was going to have another one. However, for those that have them all over the place or maybe in clusters, think about it. Not a good idea to take an unconscious fall in a slippery tub? Well anywhere… *rolls eyes* So, baths all the way. Sharp knives are also not recommended, like if you’re preparing your dinner? Or even eating it?
On that front, I decided not to do any of my…erm…shaving? Just keep my hands off my razor for now? Oh, dear. If I was still in a little bit of bad shape…just thinking about…eek! *shudder* Let’s wipe that thought out of my mind immediately! AHHH!!! 911! Talk about “Postictal Emergency!” Try and explain that type of injury! *laughing*
Now, I haven’t blogged that much about my seizures specifically as they have been pretty much under control. And I have never been through a Postictal phase like this! What I have noticed over the last few sleeps is that I am remembering my dreams whereas I usually do not. In fact, this morning there was one that was very bad! It was quite upsetting! Portions of the content are not that important–let’s say the “players”–those that were in the dream, at least. Well, to a degree? But still.
What was the most upsetting thing was that I went completely non-verbal when I needed to be–VERY badly. I woke up with a huge howl! And then started crying. Immediate text made to someone in a daze. I couldn’t explain at the moment due to certain factors but will later discuss.
I’ve done some looking into Postictal dreaming and I couldn’t really find anything specific to actually remembering your dreams in a more clear fashion when you normally can not. However, people can have dreams of their seizures? Or perhaps something resembling them?
That is not to say that what I was dreaming of resembled anything like my seizure, however. But in a way, there is a resemblance to a tonic-clonic if I take a bit of a leap in my imagination. You lose it your abilities (to communicate?) make some kind of verbal outburst (or you can), when you seize and then like in my Postictal state immediately like after my seizure Tuesday night, I started crying.
I think that’s a stretch though as I have come out of dreams before with making some kind of sound and then sometimes crying if it has been upsetting. But because I went non-verbal in the dream, I think I let out a really big sound! The largest I can EVER remember in my life and I even heard myself through my earplugs. It was such a painful, plea for help, kind of thing!
So for anyone reading this who has seizures–and Postictal states–I would like to ask you about your dreams when Postictal. What kind of experiences do you have or have you had?
I’m still a bit Postictal today but not as bad as yesterday. darkentries told me to pop a Valium/Diazepam and: “Just go with it.” I had to laugh a bit. I didn’t though. However, today I have. I think that’s only fair. They push benzos in hospital if someone comes in having some kind of tonic-clonic mess or something vaguely resembling it as you really don’t want to go into “Status.” That’s basically a prolonged version. With tonic-clonics (or even other variants when you are unconscious) it can be life threatening.
So, of course my lovely “Researcher” and I continued to go ’round and ’round last night because we’re both so geeky and like dogs on a bone when it comes to any of this stuff. And no, she didn’t have a seizure too *wry grin* However, we were having a lot of fun trying to apply Occam’s/Ockham’s Razor to it all and then getting very philosophical which of course made no sense since my seizures are idiopathic.
I actually tossed in the term “idiotpathic” at some point. Quite.
No, it was good to try and review and geek out–of course. It made me realise that I was kind of stupid and had forgotten some things–and perhaps not simply from being in a Postictal state. Nope. Just plain stupid. Period.
Now, here’s a bit of a preamble that may or may not be relevant but it does at least illustrate something that is important regarding seizures and how they can affect people. Whether or not again, this is relevant to me, it is hard to say.
When I wrote about having my Complex Partial Seizure, I made a comment that I had either climbed up or down a rung on the seizure ladder depending upon your perspective. Reason being, once you have a (or several?) Complex Partials they tend to “stick” with you. That is not to say that you are “guaranteed” to have more of them. This is Neurology, folks. Your brain. There are no guarantees. But shall we simply say that the chance of you having more of them rises drastically. And further, the chance of you having a tonic-clonic also rises.
However, remember folks–no guarantees.
This leads (or last night led) me to something long forgotten from the good ol’ days of my Blossoming Neurology Geekdom: “Kindling Theory.” How could I forget that?! The idea of Kindling actually began with Seizure Disorders/Epilepsy and then moved over to Bipolar Land. How it basically works (theoretically) is the longer you go without proper treatment, the speedier your neurons start (mis)firing and the worse things get. It’s like a domino effect.
But, let’s go back to the “No-Guarantee Rule.” It’s like, if you could buy a brain, there’d be no bloody warranty! So, if we were to look at Kindling for me, is that what is happening? Are things starting to “pick up” because I did have the Complex Partial and it kind of messed the wiring up a bit? That was in December and it is now July. That is a pretty brief interval for two types of seizures that I have never experienced before–not to mention this very crazy Postictal state. I have never felt like this, even after the Complex Partial! I got up the next day and went to work!
Next thing I “forgot” and also speaking of things I have never experienced? Over the last while…maybe a month or so…? I may have been experiencing some Olfactory Simple Partials. I think I have as the experiences have all been the same and there have been more than one. Again, these are new to me so I am/wasn’t sure.
Basically, I’d start smelling this bad, fishy smell. I know. Lovely, huh? It’s not uncommon to smell “stinky stuff” with Olfactory Simple Partials. Faeces is a big one, actually. My darling “Researcher” actually reminded me of the same issue with Migraine Prodromes too. But I wasn’t getting any migraines at the time? No? I don’t recall… *sigh*
And this kind of brought us back full circle, semi-circle, figure eight, one big scribble to the fact that my neuro thought that the Complex Partial was caused by my migraines as I had several leading up to that “Big Bang Seizure” in December. I suppose I shall have to review my Migraine Category here to see what’s up there and when I’ve been a bit screwed up in that area? I’m seeing neuro the first week of August so this should be…well, who knows? I mean, their “idiotpathic” so maybe not much to do? Maybe turn up the volume of an AC I’m on?
And that’s another thing that demonstrates the “No-Guarantee Rule.” Sure, I’m on ACs but that doesn’t mean I’ll never have another seizure again. There are lots of folks in the same boat. I have Bipolar too. I take meds for that as well–the same ones actually! Does that mean I will never cycle again? There are no panaceas.
And yes, dear “Researcher,” you were right. Take the rest of the week off. I think I’d like to take my life off right now! Just kidding. I cancelled my appointment with gastro man today and another appointment at “Fix Me Up” tomorrow. Everyone was fine and even quite concerned which was nice. I’m not really happy with losing this time for the things that I have to do, though. I suppose there is not much I can do about it, right?
God, it’s been a hell of a period this last while. First my body being pretty much laid up and out of commission for a few days and now this seizure and Postictal insanity. Blech. And I don’t really think that word sums it up quite sufficiently…no… *smirk*
Now, before I begin, I will try and make this post as cohesive and coherent as possible. It’s going to take me a very long time to write it. I am even having some problems typing. I am slow. It may sound different in tone from what I wrote last night. In fact, maybe it does already. I do not know. I can not gauge much at the moment although I will try to write posts as I usually do.
I have responded to some emails but they were conversational. Maybe a bit easier? Personal?
The reason I am such a mess is…you could call me “Post Postictal?” Well, not really. I am still Postictal. After seizures a Postictal period can last longer than it does after the seizure itself. It or I wasn’t so bad when I wrote that short post last night.
Just to give a bit of an example, here is a brief study by Kanner et al.. If you don’t read it, the gist is that psychiatric and cognitive symptoms can occur, last and get worse over a 72 hour period. The 72 hours was the time selected for their study.
There are a few listed and of them, I have Anxiety, Neurovegetative Symptoms (basically your Autonomic Nervous System goes nuts–my stomach is doing flip flops and my pupils have a mind of their own plus some random blurriness.) Also, Fatigue and definitely Cognitive Impairment. I am unbelievably, cognitively fucked up! OMG, Postictal Madness!
EDIT: no doubt there are more Postictal symptoms. I am noticing that I am shaking a bit in my hands but not that much.
I was working on something and I was getting a bit stressed, needed a break so I thought I’d head down to the pub for a bit. Not long. I wanted to get home early. I was texting my lovely “Researcher.” Having my second pint I texed back that I was getting way too drunk. No, I was getting hammered!
Returned text…Hey awesome!
Moments later…panic-stricken, freaked out text back…! NOT AWESOME!!! Check all my meds for interaction with the Robaxecet I didn’t do!!! I went outside for a cigarette. Then it all started.
Rapid eye blinking. Jerky, twitchy, head and eye movements. Then those spread down my body…yes…and then down off the bench I was sitting on…onto the ground. Still a bit spazzy. And as I wrote last night, that man was there and asked if I needed help but I said I was fine. And was crying a bit as outbursts of emotion are not uncommon when you are Postictal.
Poor “Researcher.” I didn’t get her call back. I was rather busy. Sorry, honey. I am “otherwise engaged…” haha. She knew though. Of course after reading and because I didn’t answer my mobile.
The Robaxecet “…may cause seizures…” Yeah. When combined with alcohol and yes, of course with all of the other CNS Depressants I am on–those being my meds–even though three are Anticonvulsants. But even if I did do any interaction check, how would I have known? There are so many things out there with warnings. And alcohol has never been a seizure trigger for me.
EDIT: nowhere in or on the Robaxecet packaging did it say anything about seizures, only…can’t recall as it’s gone now but I think just anything sedating…that is very broad.
So we talked after I finally got my shit together and back inside with the notification of the missed call. Ho hum. Oh, well. But why the hell is it not clearing from my system? Or hasn’t? I stopped taking it on Sunday. We’re still scratching our heads over that one. And I didn’t OD on it. I took it as directed.
I said I would try to explain what type of seizure it was. Or something.
Well, I think the “panic” was a hell of a lot more than just panic. I don’t panic. I don’t have Panic Attacks. Anxiety, yes. Panic Attacks, no.
EDIT: some Simple Partials can be a strong rush of emotion.
So. Simple Partials which I have had all my life are also known as “auras.” They can be a sign of bigger seizures to come. Well, bigger may not be the right word but ones where you can lose consciousness so they are more dangerous.
I find it kind of interesting that after I panicked, I ran outside. When some people get an aura it can be a signal to go somewhere more safe for the other seizure that is coming. I don’t know. Sometimes though, the aura can be so fast coming you don’t have time or know what hits you. Did I know? Trying to get out of the space? Again, I don’t know but something made me fly outside fast.
At first I though it was a Secondary Generalized Seizure (spreads to all of your brain) but there seems to be some issues surrounding your consciousness levels with that one. I seemed pretty clear. Although somewhat altered–yes. However, you can become altered with Simple Partials–Partials basically stay in one or a few certain sections of your brain.
So what I suspect happened was that I had a big ass Simple Partial Motor Seizure…with a bit of an emotional component thrown in just to begin the whole process. I do remember it although it is kind of fuzzy due to being altered. I don’t think it lasted long. The man left so I could have asked him I guess. I don’t know if he saw the whole thing though.
I think I was quite clear with my “Researcher.” I can confirm with her how I was last night.
EDIT: oh…can also find out how long it took me to call her back as a time marker.
I guess that’s it then? Yes, I suppose so? I’ll go fix a cuppa, take a break and proof this a bit to see if anything’s missing.
Ah, yes. I spoke to the folks at the pub (it’s okay I’m a regular there) and told them. Just in case anyone else saw and went in and told them I was some blind drunk from their place. People can mistake seizures for people being totally trashed sometimes.
…not to worry everyone…I’m alright. As most people–well, I can’t speak for all! But I think most people with Epilepsy or a Seizure Disorder will say, “Bugger Off!” to an Ambulance and a Hospital run! I certainly did–politely, of course.
Bless you, my med-checker! I sent a text when I believe I was having my “aura.” I got “The Call” back as I was having my seizure!
I can’t believe I am trying to research it all now (but you know me…) to try and “classify” and explain it to you all. Bottom line? Seizures are just too weird.
I know what happened and I…duh…think I can explain it enough…at least from my personal perspective and a relatively decent neurological perspective? Maybe? I’m pretty out of it now.
Yes, a bit wiped. Here’s at least a tidbit. I did get emotional. That is par for the course when some people seize and they become Postictal. I started crying. It can manifest in any emotional way but for me tonight? I cried.
So, I’ll get back to everyone. I know what happened. Thanks to my beautiful researcher. *exhausted Postictal laughing*
*PA tries to stare at something in flat*
*PA reaches for water bottle and takes several healthy swigs*
*PA ponders going out for cigarette in the lovely sounding rain*
…walking ever so carefully…