Archive for July 9th, 2008

I had touched upon this in a couple of comments recently and said I would come back and make a post about it.  I’m trying to figure out just what the hell is going on with me, my job searching, “Fix Me Up…”  Well, just all of it!

I have crowed on and on about my motivation for trying to find a job, keeping up with finding a job.  Good grief.  It’s more like I’ve been droning about it.  Now in this arena (and no doubt more), there are the issues of the above mentioned in my post title.  Where do I fit in? What do you guys think? Well, if you don’t have a clue I think I’ve figured it out.  Both?

The fear of failure for me, is I think quite easy to grasp.  I’ve never had any motivation, any direction–in fact, I feel like I’ve failed (or certainly haven’t succeeded and there may be a fine line between the two), in a lot of areas in my life.  So, where will I end up? If I actually end up anywhere?

Now that last sentence really represents a fear of failure.  That’s a true sense of “doom and gloom” on the job search front as in: “Holy shit.  I’m not going to get a job period.  I’m going to drain my entire bank account and end up penniless and homeless on the street!” Well, at least it answers one of the questions posed.  Where will I end up? I’ll end up homeless!

However, we’re not in “Desperation Mode” yet.  But the point to be made is that of failure.  Will I get some crap-ass job working for peanuts? Not that I was some high-falutin’, superstar in my last job but it wasn’t a “crap-ass” job.  So there’s this weird combination of “failure factors,” if you will.

  • Will I suck?
  • Will I get a job that sucks?
  • Will I get a job that was as great as the one that I had before?
  • Will I get a job in time?

Fear of success? This one’s a bit more tricky.  Absolutely.

I was in my last job for a fair amount of time.  I was used to the routine, my established role etc…  You can get the gist of it, right? Sometimes that happens with certain jobs and really, I’m more of a “worker bee” than a management type.  That’s just the way it is.  Sure, I have some leadership capabilities and I am more than happy to show people the ropes, train them etc… but I really don’t want to be “responsible” for people.  I just want to be responsible for myself and yes, working with a team is fine as well.

So anyway, apart from what I already did, I would like to branch out into other areas of interest.  This may involve facing some new challenges.  Hey, what if I manage to land it! What if I get a great job? That would be a good thing, right?

Maybe not.

If you’ve read certain parts of this blog (and I know there might be a lot here and it’s probably only been mentioned hither and yon), you may recall that PA is not exactly good with change.  You certainly don’t have to recall that PA is mental.  So, herein lies some fear of success.  However, it is also shrouded in a lovely blanket of fear of failure.

So, perhaps I get this great position.  That may give me what I’d like but it may be too different in ways than my previous role.  What if I don’t do so well or I completely fuck up, tank, it’s too much pressure, I go totally out of my mind and lose it…

This is all a very tough thing to get my head around.  I don’t know if I’ve explained it clearly enough.  Not to mention I am still feeling stressed about even finding a job entirely!

I am going back to “Fix Me Up” tomorrow to hopefully get things rolling there again.  I spoke to the woman on the phone who got me my last job and we had a wonderful conversation (despite the circumstances.)  I have forwarded my resume and suggested we meet in person to discuss things a bit further.  She’s up for that.

Anyway, I really don’t have any choice in the matter, here do I? Regardless of whatever fears I have (and they are there–don’t let my writing, this blog, anything fool you!) I have to keep going.  I have to support myself and again, can’t end up “…penniless and homeless on the street!”