Archive for July 18th, 2008


Well, a bit brighter today. I still can’t figure out what on earth happened yesterday. I swear, I mentioned ADD Madness, Bipolar Madness. Was there some sort of fencing match or sword fight going on in my brain between the two? I pondered a little bit about how I was feeling. Mixed State as I was so anxious and just completely full to the brim with “I’m Sorry’s?” No, it was really nuts. It was like, “I’m sorry for everything I am doing in the present, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done in the past, I’m sorry for everything on the planet!”

Gah.

But the Depression side? Well, this is where it gets a little bit tricky. Along with the boatload of “I’m Sorry’s” and the Anxiety, my concentration was so, unbelievably bad! I was…it was…”Helter Skelter Madness” except I was so out of it I couldn’t really do anything. Maybe just sort of walk around in circles a lot because I felt like I had about 20 anthills in my pants!

Gah Part II.

When you have AD(H)D and you can’t concentrate (and it’s really bad) you feel so frustrated. So absolutely useless. The frustration can breed Anxiety. Then the feelings of uselessness breed Depression. So guess who won with either the epee or the sword? My ADD of course.

*sigh* I do love having comorbid ADD and Bipolar. It is so much fun!

I finally realised that I had to do something. I live near water so I decided to walk the couple of blocks to where the shore is and sit there. Perhaps it would calm me the hell down or I don’t know. I didn’t know. The Valium/Diazepam was making a tiny dent, perhaps? Not much though. I even brought a pad and a pen to do some writing. HA! Fat chance! What were you “thinking,” PA?!

I navigated all of these BIG rocks to get right down by the lake’s edge which I always do. Klutzy von Klutzy has to be a bit careful, though. Not of falling in the lake but of possibly breaking a limb on the BIG rocks. Still, it’s not that bad. PA’s a natural climber anyway. Give her a good tree any day and she’s there!

I laid for a while using my knapsack as a pillow and just gazed at the sky, watching the odd bird soar above, listening to the waves move and gently splash upon the rockbed. I then sat up and just stared, transfixed as I always become by any form of water–stream, river, lake, ocean.

On the way home I noticed that there was a full moon. I laughed and thought: ‘That’s it! That’s the reason! It’s MOON MADNESS!’ *laughing*

Today? I still feel a bit frazzled but at least more relaxed and my thinking is a bit more clear. Motivation? *shrug*

However, tomorrow may help. A couple of days ago, I mentioned that some folks had been harping on me for ages to get away, even just for a brief period and take a break. I have been denying myself of the opportunity with the same level of force to their suggestions with my rebuttals! I have finally given in and am taking a day trip tomorrow with some people. I am actually quite keen on it–rather.

I have mentioned G. before, “The Hostess with the Mostess” that puts on the holiday spreads (aka blowouts) for us. She has formed a Scooter club (of which I am a bonafide member although sans Scooter.) Anyway, we are going to a wild animal rescue/sanctuary. I know, pretty cool, huh? Also, it is not open to the public but we have been granted “special access.” It is a charity so of course people are kicking in some cash.

Apart from the total coolness of it anyway, I know what’s going to totally rock my socks! The animals are all domesticated and it’s “hands on.” You betcha! We can “touchy-feely” all the little critters!

And…what’s going to completely blow my socks off is perhaps fulfilling a bit of my primate (non-human) obsession? I know they have lemurs but maybe more? Lemurs aren’t my favourite but still. Good enough? If there are others though…OMG. Holding a primate is on my “List of Things to Do Before I Die.”

So, I’ll probably update you on that for sure. It may take a bit as I know I’ll be dusted when I get home. Also, I’m bringing a camera so hopefully some pics?