Dr. PA? She Was Last Night

August 26, 2008 in Bipolar Disorder, Cranky, Cutting, Eating Disorders, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, Hospitalizations, Medicine, Therapy, You Decide

Trigger Alert: This post is about cutting and contains graphic material.

A few days ago, I had the urge to cut.  I waved it off.   Indeed, stress.  Trying to find a job before I start sinking financially, health–well, that’s a no-brainer! Apart from trying not to go mental, the increase in seizures and post-“ick”tal© sickness… Forget it.  Let’s just toss a massive blanket over me called: “Stress.”

Last night: Slash.

Again, like the last one, I went all pseudo-ambidextrous on myself and used my left hand (I am right-handed) and went for my right forearm.

*PA pauses and goes for a cigarette*

This cutting was different for me.   If you have read about any of my cuttings, you will know that I am an “impulsive cutter.”  I tend to get wasted out of my mind and then just do it.  This time, I thought about it (although I had been drinking as well) but no, I made the decision that after I was done with my work on my computer…all the things etc… I would go home and do my cutting.  Why?

Well, that took me today to figure out.  Basically, I suppose the only way I may be able to express it is the presumed psychology behind anorectic or bulimic behaviour.   You can’t control your life, so you try and take control over your body somehow? Quite different from my prior cuttings.

Fair enough.   Cutters all cut for different reasons.

Oops.  I didn’t “intend” to cut so deep.  Fuck!

Now, I cannot afford to go to hospital.  Granted, with my last cutting, I talked myself out of an admission but I was not willing to take the chance last night! Remember with my oh-so-comfy blanket of stress, I need to find a job!

Trigger Alert Ahead!

This is where things get a little…well… Adventurous? Complicated? Tricky? Time Consuming? Definitely Ambidextrous!

I beg of you. I implore you. Do not do this!!!

When you need sutures, go to hospital!!!

Yes, I sutured myself.   “Dr. PA” does not have any medical supplies, of course, so the best she could do was a sewing needle and thread.   I know.

Again, please do not do this.   This is not a “How To Guide.”  I am simply telling you what happened last night.   Also, you may not know just what damage you have done and what help you may need.  Not to boast but I did know what I needed.  Still, I took a risk and it may have even been incredibly stupid for me to do this, but I also understood what was required with my Anatomy and Physiology knowledge.  Plus, I’d been extensively trained in First Aid for over 20 years.  I could assess the wound and it only required relatively simple suturing which I could do.  Specifically, it is called a “Subcuticular Stitch” of several suturing types and techniques out there.  Even if it wasn’t to perfection!

So, I found the most suitable needle and sterilised it as fast as I could (all the while maintaining pressure on the wound, an ongoing endeavor.) I grabbed some thread (black of course–must be fashionable–bad joke, I know.)  I tore reams and reams of it off the spool trying to ensure that it would be enough and I could keep it all as clean as possible while working as fast as I could.  The blood was still pouring, I was still maintaining pressure.

I threaded the needle, tied a knot at the bottom and began to stitch.  I kept cleaning, kept stitching, kept the pressure on… Bugger, my left hand! Also, bugger my skin! Christ, I can’t even sew period! Anyway, I got it done.   All closed up.   Antibiotic treatment and then wrapped.   It looked like an absolute nightmare though.  Not to perfection indeed! Knotted thread all over it. I didn’t care.  It was done.

I woke up and there was no more bleeding.   I decided to snip away all of the crazy, “fluffy” thread and actually have a look at my “sutures.”  Interestingly enough, I didn’t do that bad a job? I decided to take yet another risk and remove them.  There were seven.  No bleeding and it was fine for Steri-Strips.

So, yes. Pretty fucked up, huh? I sutured my own goddamn arm!

Again, don’t any of you out there ever do this!

I only wrote this because I can write whatever the fuck I want on my blog and to also tell you to NEVER do this yourself.  Also, in case I start to unravel further and I stop posting and disappear? I may have gone inpatient–which I don’t want to do but…?

Hopefully Dr. PA can still keep taking care of herself.