Archive for October, 2008


Well, it seems like the odd projectiles, nearly decapitating me these days are still falling from the sky.  I don’t know the life cycle of acorns but they are getting more brown than the earlier “green-y-ish” ones.

I have still remained safe except for that damn, giant piece of tree bark (see prior installments for that saga below.)  However, I went outside the other day and saw this… Now, you tell me.  What do you think?

A big Squiddle Party on one of my chairs? *laughing so hard*

I wonder if they can get drunk on too much “acorn consumption.” I haven’t seen any more piles like this around anywhere else.  Maybe they learned their lesson from having a bit too much that night, eh? *giggle*

Do you celebrate the havoc you wreak upon me?

I hope you're all hungover, you little...

Raining Acorns and Squiddles (Part III)

Raining Acorns and Squiddles (Part II)

Raining Acorns and Squiddles


I’ve gotten some things done today…I honestly can’t remember what though.  Does that mean I was actually somewhere near productive or my head is just fucked?

Again…boring post…

I’m getting off my computer right now.  And going to bed as soon as I can.  I need to do something else and then just to hell with it.  No more computer!

Baby MacBook will be there tomorrow…  However, the ultimate question remains: Will my brain be?


I bravely tackled my keyboard to write another post but got derailed by dinner (that is a good thing however) but now…whatever I was going to write…too long…

I should sleep.

It is already way past the Blog365 deadline.  It is almost 0300hrs my time.  Sleep? Yes? Sleep?

I have been trying to keep my “days” like regular work days in order to get things done within such guidelines and to also give me structure.  It’s not always working.

Sometimes it’s me just being so tired I can’t get up because I need more sleep; sometimes it’s okay sleep-wise…I get up but I can’t get anything done.  I just can’t get anything accomplished.  Concentration.  My mood? Somehow…things just fitting together.  Like puzzle pieces? That last one, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because I can’t fit the pieces together.

What I do know is that I am going to post this and try to go to bed.

I don’t suspect I will get up for a “regular work day” going to bed at this hour.  Sure, I could deprive myself of some sleep but I don’t want to.  I have just taken my meds and it will take a while for them to kick in.

I am tired.  Very tired.  I want to sleep.  I will sleep with my meds.  Let me?

At least I got a chance to try (and try and try and try again), to go over my CSS handbook.  Fuck me.  It’s really hard to understand…


Merlin #1 today.  He actually had some “extra time” so wanted to delve into how much more my life sucks.

This did not bode well for how much J.’s life sucks.  We were supposed to meet after my appointment that was after his appointment–his first initial psych eval. in, well…I don’t know or can’t quite remember but many, many years.  Let’s just say the first he ever had was not pretty.

He got upset that I couldn’t meet him as planned–time wise.

I barely caught him before he headed home.

I spent most of the night nursing him and I guess…well…

…now I need to nurse myself?

That is not something I would normally say but I am tired.

And I need to eat, I guess?

I’ll get back to all of your comments soon.


I just made my bed.  Sheets.  Pillow Cases.  Duvet Cover.

Everything…

…someone call 911…


I’m taking a break today.  I am doing as little or nothing as possible.

I do not care if it was a seizure last night; I don’t think it was.  Madame Seizurella© and Madame Depressiva© just needs a break.  It may have “simply” been a very serious pulled muscle as I was lugging around a laptop bag half the day and all the night that probably weighs/ed more than I do.  However, I am still limping around and in retrospect, it feels like I was kicked by a horse.  I was actually lying on the floor unable to move almost screaming at one point.

Now, that is fucked.  I have always said that I have an extremely high tolerance for pain.  Is that waning along with so many other things these days? I’ve taken some Ibuprophen, so perhaps a pulled muscle indeed. I am walking a bit better.  Perhaps I should invest in one of those laptop cases with wheels that look like a little suitcase? They’re a pain to drag around though with me taking public transit and even just–well, dragging them around altogether!

The post was also a bit of a drive by last night.  J. and I kind of whooped it up and stayed out rather late.  However, we went to this really cool Korean restaurant where you order your things raw and they have this cooking, sort of BBQ in the middle of the table.  You cook it all up and when done, voila! Eat away! You can also leisurely take your time, sit and talk and when ready, move on to course number two, three, whatever.  Although, the strips of meat were a little large at points, using my chopsticks became unbearable toward the end and I finally admitted defeat and began to use my utensils.  I rather prefer chopsticks when eating any Asian type fare.

When in Rome? Well, they don’t use chopsticks in Italy.  Or at least they didn’t when I was there.

I have a couple of comments to respond to so I suppose I should do that.  I feel guilty when I don’t respond to people in a timely fashion on my blog.  They are so kind to read it and leave comments, it is only proper to me that I respond as quickly as I can.  Oh, and I need to send off an email to someone now that I think of it.  Maybe I am actually doing some things.  It is evening time now so maybe I am becoming more alive?

I am still also being completely redonculous by trying to download yet another version of CS3 that I am quite sure will not work like the others past.  I have one last resource that I can think of that I will get in touch with next week.  Tomorrow? Christ, I even called my ex-boss pleading for help! Nope.  No luck there.  No one is using it!

Damn, I just spilled my tea like my soup all over last night.  It would appear that I am rather spastic these days? *PA nods*  Thank $DEITY it wasn’t all over baby MacBook and just the floor.  OMG.  I am not working and need my computer.  Buying baby Macbook v.3 for the same reason baby MacBook v.1 was destroyed? I can’t even think about that.

I am obviously not meant to care about much today or so it would seem if spilling things all over the place were to be any sorts of “omens.” I’d better not care too much or I’ll start convincing myself that things are exactly that: “Omens” telling me that things are just not meant to be in my world and I’m close enough to thinking that already.

*sigh*

I guess I’d better go make another cuppa and “try again.”  Comments taken care of too.  Still downloading and if it doesn’t fall apart (pretty much like me these days), some form of success? I doubt it though.  How many times have I tried this???

A few minutes more and we’ll know.  Well…it takes time to “unpack,” install and all of that, right? But it should be arriving for me to grow more and more frustrated by my repeated attempts any moment now.

*pads off to make tea*

Hey, wait a minute.  I started writing this post a fair while ago but…I got some version of fucking something! It worked! Premiere Pro? I did everything of course all to protocol.  Crap, I shouldn’t even be writing about this as the A-Dopey Police may be on my ass (I was expecting a huge, flashing, red light when I restarted) but no.  There was also a recommendation to download this thing-a-ma-jiggy that acts as some sort of Firewall but of course you are never (or shouldn’t be!) connected to the Internet when you do this! Jesus…hello any s/w police.  And never register (i.e. click on exactly that) and NEVER click on an opportunity to upgrade!

OMG…come and get me! I have now given basic instructions on how to be a very, bad, little person.  Oh, hell! So many people do it, it’s insane! And it will never stop! How long has CS4 been out now? When I was poking about earlier, they’ve already got some of that on the menu! Lord, almighty! So if you want that anyone, just go “online shopping!”

However, what I’ve got is not like what Mac Guru gave to me–although, I couldn’t actually look at it…couldn’t get the “Golden Key.”  But when I did open a “New File,” holy shit, what on earth am I looking at?! Granted, I’ve never used this crap before so why am I surprised.  Thank goodness they seem to have quite a decent “Help Section.”  Oh, well.  I’m sure it will be fun to eventually figure out what I am doing but like I really have time to do that? Good grief.

And you know? I am also unbelievably stupid.  After all the out of control panic of me at least getting Dreamweaver for my course, I didn’t even realise that I already had it on my hard drive! Can you believe?

I am so fucking stupid. *PA slaps forehead*

And to further my stupidity, I’ve already got some kind of bizarre ideas floating around in my daft head about what sort of page or website (oh yeah, like I could go beyond a single page?) for my course.  Even though I can hardly write any code???

It’s a little early here but I just feel like going to bed.  I probably won’t though.  And I’ll probably call my “last resort buddy” about the s/w just in case that whatever the hell I got totally cacks or something.


Trying to make Blog365?  Well, I was out earlier so I could have tossed up some bullshit.

But really.  For this post at least, Fuck Blog365.

I’ve been trying to write this for…I don’t know how long but I have soup spilled all over my pants (a good thing to eat when you are not well.)

Some other “comfort foods” that I have been trying to prepare too.

J. and I had a really nice dinner.  I was stressed after my course and that but it was good to have a distraction afterward.  Fair enough–even though he really pissed me off at one point but that is irrelevant.  That just tends to happen with J.

Okay, I dropped the soup bowl but the plate is here because it’s on the bed.

Something happened.  Not like my other “seizures?” My leg (right) started (and did) stiffen and then there was this pain! This feeling of pain! After that, I was left hobbling and limping around, hence all of the food accidents!

I don’t know what to say about this one.  I’ve never had any kind of motor or vaguely-motor seizure that has caused me so much paine right away! So quickly?

Forgive me if this is messy looking as I post this now.  I will fix later but I should go to sleep.

Thank you.


Not much more to say beyond that so a couple of TouYubes.  Perhaps a bit over the top–well the first? Fuck it.  It’s my blog and if Madame Depressiva© chooses to be melodramatic, tough noogies.

Condemnation (Live) by Depeche Mode

Half Day Closing (Live) by Portishead


Okay…breathe, PA…breathe…

Alright, I’m flipping my shit right now.  I don’t know what all of you did out there but it might have worked? Or my “little ploy” worked? Or who the fucking hell knows how it worked?

Okay…flipping shit…need cigarette…be back in a tic’…

OMG.  I have to calm down…and I will but…

First, thank you to everyone who prayed, crossed digits, performed whatever rituals? Do you recall the “dream job?” Or what sounded like it was, that I really, really, really wanted?

I’m about to cry right now.  I have an interview tomorrow, first with the HR department and if that goes well, then with the VP I will be supporting.  I can’t believe it.  So, may I ask again? More “rituals of choice?”

My “little ploy?” I hadn’t heard anything about it from my Recruiter so I emailed him and among other things, told him that I had an appointment with another Recruiter today.  Would a little “competition” stir things up? Get some action going? I also told him to contact me if he heard anything by whatever means.  Before, it had only been via email (apart from our first and only conversation over telephone on my land line.)  So, I reiterated that and also my mobile.  Damn! My mobile died today when I had to go out!

My appointment today was late in the afternoon so I felt I was completely stuffed in case he called.  As soon as I got back to my neighbourhood, straight to a place where I could get a solid signal and check email! Yes, I am in a pub now but I think I need to be?

He sent a couple of emails.  The first with some explanations and a “…let’s hope…”  The VP was busy and hadn’t had a chance to look at it and…

Then one sent an hour before I logged on.  Can you make it there for an interview with HR at 1600hrs tomorrow?

Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I sent him an email back as fast as I could, hoping he’d still be in the office.  He was and we had some email chat back and forth.  He said to bring at least a couple of copies of my resume instead of just one in case the VP needs or wants as well and copies of my references too.  References! You usually don’t give references until the last stage.  If all goes well with HR, I will interview with the VP next.  That will be the last stage.

…copies of my references…

*PA stares*

EDIT: Jesus! Upload my (edited) resume and my references to my Flash/Thumb Drive for printing tomorrow.  I have it here.  Will do now!

EDIT: Holy fuck! Just in case as I have no clue…well, it will be end of day Friday and maybe they’ll tell me but call my references to give them notice!

I am trying not to get too excited and simultaneously untie my knickers!

I can’t remember if I mentioned but the last girl who interviewed didn’t get the job because it had been too long since she had been in a particular “field” for what “they,” being HR, deemed “too long.”  Not me? At least to a degree.  It’s hard to judge as this position is an overlapping one where I can do both things? Or at least I may need some training or assistance with the other part but my resume and some interview talk could speak to the fact that I am qualified at least enough and could learn anything that was “missing.” Or that I didn’t know (basically software programs.) I mean, who the hell can’t learn software programs?

Options:

  • Have someone show me.
  • Let me doodle around (okay, not so efficient.)
  • Send me on a course (and then the above.)

AHHHH!!!

Oh, please let me get this.

And the company looks and sounds like it’s really great, too!

I will kiss my Recruiter if I get this job.  And maybe the person from HR…and my new VP too? Okay…that’s not so professional but if I do end up there and the “Corporate Culture” suits…I WILL do it!


We are all born as humans, derived of sperm cells and ova but something happens to those of us that end up with mental illnesses and/or disorders.  In fact, a lot of things happen.  Although right now, I would like to try and talk about one thing: Insecurity.

You see, those of us that are mental and crazy in our various flavours can tend to be so very insecure.  And it goes beyond something like, ‘Oh, do my shoes match my dress?’

Yes.

It can be different for every one of us in terms of how we react.  However, I think it can be said for all of us, it feels like we have all been born with less or missing “emotional skin.”  I have said this before.  We “feel” too much and not necessarily in a positive and happy way! Someone will say something, someone will look at you in a certain way…

…you are emotionally thrown into a tailspin.

Now, I am trying to keep this within the realm of insecurity but it definitely can reach further than that. However, if you’re stuck on the Insecurity Expressway, your entire world can fall apart based upon one conversation.  One word? Or the lack of a single word?

I know.  It sounds truly absurd, doesn’t it? Well, maybe to someone who has never experienced it but it happens.  And after it throws you into an emotional tailspin, it can throw you into hospital! Oh, now that may sound absurd but no, no…not without the realm of possibility?

So, insecurity.  For me, it generates so much pain. Oh, pain.  How can one measure pain? There is no way.  Even if you were not thrown into hospital based upon your “experience” of insecurity, your “pain” may be so immense it may mark you forever.  I know my insecurities have marked me permanently.  They are like “internal tattoos.”  Even if I tried to have them removed, no Dermatologist nor anyone else could ever reach them.

I see “insecurity” as something we “wounded birds” experience just as the exact, extremely devastating, continual and repetitive symptoms of our illnesses.  At least this is a component of my mental illness profile, if you will.

This is such a difficult post to write, as well.  How does someone who can feel so insecure and get triggered so easily and when done…so often…try to shape it and frame it.  Try to explain it like the notion of “pain” spoken above that can not be measured.  People reading this will never know how my insecurities affect me.

True, no one can ever even attempt to grasp any other person’s feelings.  They may try to sympathise, empathise but in the end…there will never be a complete understanding.

I could probably write a massive list of “triggers” for myself.  No doubt.  Another thing I have no doubt about is that insecurity would be right up there at the top of my list.