Archive for December, 2008
I have no idea why I wrote “Happy Nude Year.” Except that it was something we said as kids and thought it was funny. Well, if you’re a Matthew McConaughey fan and you’ve got some bongos, it still might work for you?
I didn’t even realize it was December 31 (2008!) today. No, really. I won’t blame it on being sick over the last couple of days. I mean, it’s not like I had Dysentery, Malaria, Ebola (my FAVOURITE Haemorrhagic Fever!!!) or anything. No, it’s just my fucked up mental state. I’m actually a little scared. I feel it is deteriorating. Not in some kind of severe, flip out, cart-her-off-to-the-hospital way…
…maybe it was a bit like how I wrote about psychologically puking out my entire year of hell in one afternoon. Maybe that is how I am feeling now, writing this post–the last post of the year–and…just how…? The end of a year and…? Well, I’ve bitched so much about it all along! You all have read it! Or if you haven’t, you certainly can do a search, pick a date via my calendar option and go nuts!
*PA pauses and takes in some Dvorak*
*PA pauses and thinks of changing it…sounds too…emotionally charged…*
*PA puts baby MacBook to sleep and decides to go for a cigarette*
After I just took a break, I realized that this blog is not only for me (as I wrote about myself above.) It is also for you. All of my readers, my commenters, people who read but choose not to comment, anyone who skips past, finds something interesting or not.
So to all of you I wish you everything you deserve and hope for, wish for, in 2009.
And as for the job that may have been well done? This is my last post for Blog365. No doubt all of the participants will be making posts about how they did (or didn’t) do it! I managed. One post every day for 2008. Hey, on some days I did more than one!
Who knows if I’ll end up doing a post every day for 2009–or even if there will be a Blog365 for 2009? I didn’t find it as challenging as I thought it would be. Perhaps it’s because I have no life? *PA rolls eyes*
Anyway, Happy New Year Everyone. I know I have readers across the globe so some of you have passed the midnight mark, drank your champagne, tripped the light fantastic and maybe are somewhere underneath a table on the floor right now? Either way…all the best for a blessed and prosperous, joyful year ahead.
Q: How can a migraine turn into a virus in 10 minutes?
A: It can’t. Only unless you have PAs luck.
Ugh. I thought I was going to die last night. I can not say that much has improved? Except I don’t need my Maxalt/Rizatriptan anymore.
Perhaps a call in to my lawyer now would be wise to draw up my papers…and then the Funeral Director to ensure I am properly cremated.
Heh. Did that get everyone’s attention? It will get used. It will get used. Just not right now. Later? Yes? Pretty reasonable, actually and compared to the rest? Soft and yet, with good wrist action…I see… Better than the higher priced ones, surprisingly. I even started smacking around various customers and one employee. Surprisingly also, only the employee said anything. *PA tries to laugh despite her shitty state*
NOTE: I am actually a submissive but I can be a switch.
This was after meeting up with R. for lunch. When we went to one of the shops (after a gay ol’ lunch) in a “gay” area of the city.
This was after my “important appt.”
EDIT: He noted my “stalker” ex-ex-girlfriend at the table next to us! PA being most generally oblivious, had no clue. Fuck me! No contact. Whew!
Where on bloody earth do I begin? Could I be more of a mess right now?
Well, let’s start at the beginning then. I barely made it to my appt. because transit sucks rotten lemons. However, I think I made it within one minute. I.Have.No.Clue.About.It.
I am scheduled to attend some kind of day-long “thing” and then? I kept “pushing” for what I read about it and supposedly what it was all about and I finally got some of what I had heard at the very end from the woman during our interview. That “theoretically” I would “get the max” of coverage from the “stoopid guvmunt.”
The thing is (and I should have anticipated this…Dumb PA!) is that it is NOT a free ride. I have to try and do a lot of work on my own to somehow try and “convince” someone who knows someone who knows that I am worthy of re-education as opposed to what I am already “qualified” to do. Oooohhh…well, stoopid guvmunt! You’re singin’ a fine, fuckin’ new, tune now, aren’t you!!!
Plus, I was probably too out of it to keep up as it was an early morning appt. and I had no caffeine in my system.
Regardless, she said I had three options to basically demonstrate (convince, prove etc…) that my new career study of choice was “better” (I shall simply use that term for now) for the stoopid guvmunt’s Ultimate Decision.
I spoke to her AT GREAT LENGTH of my history of going into Nursing and what was on offer. At least when we ended she said, “I think you would make a great nurse.” Let’s hope somehow that made it into her fucking file or whatever that may get sent off to the stoopid guvmunt? I am going to research the HELL out of everything and do my best to PROVE why Nursing would be a better avenue for me than what I have done in the past. I’ll write a damn Dissertation if I have to!
Oh, and I have to find a school that they approve or support that will…well…I don’t know? Provide the program? Yes, more legwork for me and speaking of “legwork,” let’s not forget that as above, I take transit. I have no car. I need a school that is close to me.
I left the entire thing in a daze. My first priority was to find the bathroom. Then…some other day…maybe tomorrow…think…?
Now, R. It was fabulous to see him back from England. When was he back last? A year ago this past summer? Again, I didn’t even know he was coming back. He’s had other family from across Canada come home too so that is pretty much it. Seeing a few friends but mostly spending time with his family. I feel “privileged” to be among those few friends but we have always been close.
Apart from the clusterfuck of the morning, this is where things got worse. R. knew nothing else of me getting laid off in early April. It’s now the end of the year. You folks have read my blog? Or some of you have been keeping up with “PAs Life Of Hell?”
And there is more than you know.
So, I spilled. Everything. Even right down to the “Wilderness Survival Suture Cutting!” I mean, everything. I think that is why I feel like such an emotional wreck and such a piece of ultimate shit right now. It’s one thing to go through stuff…and then feel like shit when you go through it…
But then to sit and relive it over a few hours. Break it all open, crack it all apart and in some way relive it. Basically, I tore apart my entire year in, yes, one afternoon.
And tried to get “retraining” in the morning.
*PA takes healthy chug of pint*
No finger wagging.
Can you blame her?
She relived her entire year today?
Alrighty, then. Yes, I wrote. And in both ways? “Bipolar Writer?” “Bisexual Writer?” Okay, I’m just being silly now. No, PA is gay. Not bisexual. But being bisexual is all good. Any form of sexuality is all good. Most definitely!
baby Macbook came out…BWAH-HAH-HAH! I did another unintentional pun…”came out?” Anyway, both electronic writing and pen-and-paper. Sort of. I found an old poem on paper so I typed that up, wrote some stuff and then worked on that damn newspaper submission that…fucking word count! I keep going over it…wow I’m tight!
Hang on. That doesn’t sound quite right. Well, I’ll leave that to those before and those in the future to judge? Yes, I am a pervert. If you didn’t know before (regular readers do…*yawn*…new folks…brace yourselves.)
Anyway, I think it’s pretty much time to let my baby go. I don’t know if there’s much more I can do with it. There is a lot that needs to be said within the said, “word count.”
Music? A new MP3. A song I’ve loved ever since an ex-colleague was blasting it on his computer one day at work–you’d have to know what we all did so we could get away with this–sorry–can’t tell ya!
So, the latest MP3 of the Moment: “Love Burns” by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. And as I mentionted…you have to play it LOUD to fully appreciate it. Not to mention, they do a neat pedal trick with the lyrics when they sing about “sound.” Maybe kind of cheesy but I think it’s a nice effect.
Okay, my blog’s been quiet so I guess I kind of feel like going on a bit of a posting spree. I know, everything gets quiet over the holidays and that. Not me though. I just get spastic.
CODA: I also got all Super-Spastic-Protective-Lockdown. No one can get to either my “sub-file” or my general “Documents” File without my Master Password for baby MacBook. Done that for other “Sekrit” Files too.
It’s kinda stoopid as any Hacker that passed Grade One of Hacker School could get past it but…meh. I thought I’d do it anyway. My private stuff is my private stuff.
I just organized all of my “stuff” into a sub-folder as I said I had been wanting to do. All of my poetry, short story crap…whatever? At least what I have electronically/on baby MacBook.
Fuck me. And I thought I felt like shit when I woke up this morning.
I think I’m going to go out for a while and torture myself some more. That is if my brain can come up with anything “creative?” I’m doing it old school, though. Just a notepad and a pen. Well, and my iPod, of course. No baby MacBook; nothing in “The Folder.” Or maybe not? I can’t decide…
There are some things there that need work, are unfinished etc… but I’ll probably end up looking at other “stuff” that I just don’t know if I want to see right now. I don’t know if I want to see at all right now. Period.
I’ll probably end up either doodling on a blank page or simply staring at it if I bring a notepad. A blank screen if baby MacBook? Or, some god-awful-who-knows-what may come out of me regardless?
Laters. Brainfried and most unimpressed.
I should probably do it now. No tea, just taken meds and been up for a bit.
Yes, while it still remotely fresh in mind and with some help from Wiki as there are several versions dependent upon blah-bitty-blah. So I wanted to get the exact names for my dream. Again, since I often get them confused upon that exact issue–which group or population chooses whom.
By the way, feel free to toss your hat in the ring if you want to play the “Dream Interpretation Game.”
I was sitting in a circle with three other people (who they were–doesn’t matter) on four wooden chairs. I wanted to do a cutting. I turned to the one on my right. He was “Temperance” and could not help me. I then looked straight ahead to “Prudence.” He could not help me either. I then looked to my left at “Fortitude,” (I’d rather call him “Strength” but whatever.) He could not help me.
All the time (this gets a bit fuzzy here) either there was or was not someone sitting above who was “Justice” (i.e. a Judge.) Whether there was or not (it may be irrelevant) I became “Justice” after circling around with the three other Virtues that could not help me. I was not a Virtue before, only until I was left alone.
Alone and on my own.
I woke up terribly depressed. The wind is reaching an almost near howl outside. I dare not go back to sleep for what else should I dream of next???
I suppose I shall go have some tea now. Maybe try and find something to do…I don’t know… Hopefully the caffeine will straighten my brain out…apart from the Depression, it is very ADD hither and yon.
I’m not feeling well at all today. This can happen as a result of something else that happens. No one knows why and no one ever has but everyone is placing their money on stress as they’ve increased. Yep, I seized last night. Boy, you guys are smart!
My left arm started to completely spaz out, I think I went into a rather immediate post-“ick”tal© sort of spaz out myself as I started yelling or something. Pain? I think so too. Hard to remember as I have been having some post-“ick”tal© amnesia, I believe.
I recall a commenter who visited a while ago with some symptoms and responded to a question I posed about pain with Simple Partial Seizures. All I could find was a study done regarding the Parietal Lobe. The results yielded for pain occurring were very close to what he described (I believe it was a male commenter.) I laughed and said it was too bad I couldn’t find anything to do with my Simple Partial Motor Seizures.
It is not like me to make such vocal outbursts. Although I do recall that after I wrote that post asking about pain, I had one that affected my legs and I was sort of lying on the floor crying out. I think last night it was more to due with anger than anguish. Perhaps not, though.
These stupid, annoying things.
So I got up today, took my meds, had something to eat and felt not so bad. Now, here I sit feeling like crap. I know my post-“ick”tal© patterns well enough when they occur (and for those reading that don’t know, yes, there is being immediately post-“ick”tal© after the seizure but then sometimes you can experience different things for possibly days in a post-“ick”tal© state.)
My eyes are a mess, photophobic and can not focus well. My head hurts. My tummy is upset and of course I have no Gravol/Dimenhydrinate in the house. Stupid PA. That is and always should be a staple around here! The last time shopping they didn’t have the proper form. Should have gone out elsewhere. I am tired. My mood? Not so hot in that department but I think the fact that I can’t concentrate very well is overriding any problems there. I don’t know. I’m too bloody out of it to tell. Still, probably my typical combination of Depression and Anxiety. All of the above are “my standards.”
*PA pads off to take pre-emptive strike Valium/Diazepam as this post-“ick”tal© state hit rather quickly*
There, that may keep the lions at bay should they be released from their cages?
“Why Am I Not Surprised Part II?” Guess who shot me a brief email and then called twice today? Yes, J. Wow, there’s no fooling you folks.
The email was brief. He was drinking and a mess and… I wasn’t going to call him as I am a mess. However, I felt I should. Reason being, the last thing he said was, “…a cry for help…” You do not ignore such messages when someone says that.
He was all over the map. He said he felt so out of place and a “nobody” at the Christmas Dinner Party. He accused me of “monopolizing” the new guest R. ‘Geez, we were only talking about her music for a bit and what we thought we should play! I mean, I was the one that “ran away” because I was so upset after dinner! I couldn’t deal with “the stress!”
Also, I had called him yesterday as I thought I saw his number on my call display. He said it wasn’t! It was an older one! Well, I was just trying to be polite! So, that really wasn’t warranted either.
I tried to say whatever I could but explained that I seized, was post-“ick”tal,© so not so hot, myself. We ended the call and I told him not to do anything stupid. Self-harm isn’t his thing but even still. Well, alcohol as self-harm, right? I made him promise to call me if things got bad (even though I’m fairly useless at the moment) or 911/Emergency Services. He said he would do so and further, not “do anything stupid.”
My friend R. is home from London, England for Christmas, too. I didn’t even know he was coming. I just got the message the other day. I need to call him so we can meet. Don’t know if I’m up for it tonight, though. Tomorrow, I guess?
G. put on her Christmas Shindig again. This year it was a bit different though.
Aside: Why am I typing so fast? This is odd. My mind must be racing a bit. Well, read on and it may make sense.
Yes, different. It was more intimate than all holidays past–she doesn’t only do Christmas. So there were only five of us. The four, we all knew each other: G., J., Grocery Man and myself. The only “new addition” was a lovely you lady *laughing* who had recently moved into G.’s building. I am laughing as I would have guessed her age a lot younger than 40, which she was. Is? Still, that is fair game. No one guesses PA at 38. On average? I get perhaps…late 20s? Maybe? Or early 30s.
Anyway, R. The fifth. A great fifth. Highly intelligent, personable, she and I geeked out over some CDs she brought down from her flat.
Something happened after dinner. Now, we didn’t drink a lot. It wasn’t like the “Royal Piss Ups” of past. In fact, we all left at 2200hrs. That’s good as less alcohol consumption for PA! But after dinner, something happened in PAs brain. The dinner table conversation became too much, J. kept going on about “Politics” (and he and I have completely, divergent perspectives there–as do G. and Grocery Man!) Due to that fact, G. declared the evening a: “No Politics Zone!” That had no effect on J.
Also, J. has a massive tendency to interrupt me as soon as I start talking or whenever I try to make a point. Granted, I understand this. It is a major component of AD(H)D. I do it too but not in such an obnoxious way as he does. The reason I am using the word “obnoxious,” is because he gave me free reign or power to tell him when he is acting like an asshole or being a shit and then nail him. And I did so.
Aside: Ironically, I was given Kudos from G. and Grocery Man today for “the work” I have done with J. But more on “today” later.
So, after we finished eating, when I felt a few things rising emotionally, I said with great flair: “I think I shall retire and relax a bit after dinner.” Don’t get me wrong, this an entirely casual affair but since we all know each other, we do camp it up a bit. Except for J. He doesn’t have that ability. Not a criticism, though.
I “retired” to the living room where R. had chosen some Bulgarian(?), yes…?…Gregorian Chants. Nowhere near my beloved Tallis Scholars but her choice wasn’t bad. That’s when some “things” started to happen.
My memory of childhood is about 95% gone but I guess you could say I had a few “flashbacks?” I never expected that to happen. Also, there is another thing on my mind that is causing me some great distress. Also, there is my own life that is basically a mess–no job, what am I doing…ugh. A few tears fell from my eyes. Indeed, excuse myself as it would not be proper to start crying at the dinner table!
So, there I sat with a glass of wine, immersing myself in the music, lost in my thoughts and trying to avoid the pain. I eventually got up and asked G. for some paper and a pen to try and do some writing as I thought that may help? A bit later, it was time for us to go. I could have stayed, left…I didn’t know. I walked J. to his transit stop, we hugged and kissed goodbye and then today…
I got up and checked my email and there was a brief message from J. saying thanks for all the help and support I had given him but our being friends, spending time together, was not good for either of us.
*PA stunned and being Social Retardicus stares at screen*
Note: “Social Retardicus” came from a regular reader. His term and then we went off on a tangent wondering if Sparticus had the issues socially, that we did.
I am shocked. Again, stunned.
I emailed him back and literally spelled the entire evening out as I have done for you here. I closed and basically said, the ball is in your court. My life is in such turmoil right now…I can not play games. I need to concentrate on the things that are breaking my heart. And sorry, J., you are not one of them!
I have had so many people (aka “friends”) dump me but I can’t go to battle with you in some Primitive Klingon War! No, other people in my life, other things need my attention. If you choose to write me off (literally) with a two line email, fine. And yet, I responded to you with multiple paragraphs!
So “Boxing Day” as we call it in Canada. It is also “tradition” to go back to G.’s for more food, some more wine etc… I did last year for what the fuck else am I doing? And hey, more food? As above, she, Grocery Man and myself. I wasn’t going to say anything as I don’t do goss, but they started it–how much “I have done for him.”
They were like…screw it…don’t worry about it. You were completely within your boundaries and did nothing wrong–even when I “reclined after dinner.” I told them the reasons for that too, as I knew they would understand. Of course they did and even if there was no reason, they were like, you were just chillin’ to the tunes!
I haven’t even checked my personal email. I have had no phone calls nor messages from him. There may be an email there but if not, he’s pouting in the corner. Again, I have to invest a lot, all of my energy elsewhere…not playing games like this where I get sucked dry. It hurts me. I (think) I have learned that lesson but I may have not. Repeating the classes; always a Failing Grade. Everyone comes first. Before PA.
Regardless. This I DO know.
I have a love and a passion and a drive that needs my attention, I have financially pressing issues that need addressing. I have a need for stability that will either come for finding a job(?) or another avenue…
Anyway, at least G., Grocery Man and I had a nice dinner tonight. And G. has also asked me to come over tomorrow as well, if I don’t have anything to do. HA! No Shit Sherlock. What the hell do I have to do? Except sit around and feel like crap.
…working mobile with baby MacBook, having your charger, headphones, remote and then needing to take a piss. Okay, I’ll pack everything up…be right back kiddies… I should probably go for a smoke while I’m at it? At least I’m 100% battery now so I can just leave the charger in my bag.
EDIT: This is a bit rambly, I fear. That’s what you get for PA killing time? And being tossed into AD(H)D Land?
Interestingly enough, I seem to be two of three MacHeads in this place? That I’ve found so far over time? One of the other two is sitting over at the other table across from me. We’re weird. We always sit in the same spots…
I’m wondering what he is doing for Christmas? We’re both sitting here typing away at our MacBooks…alone. On Christmas Eve. It’s kind of giving me a chuckle. Two geeky losers with no one to spend Christmas with? Oh, the Pathos!!!
Kidding. I have plans tomorrow. As per a previous post, getting together with friends for dinner. Speaking of friends, J. who will also be in attendance, originally wanted me to spend the night at his place tonight for “pressie opening!” Ugh. Several “Ughs.”
He lives waaaayyy across the city so travelling is…I can’t stand it. Well, not so much getting there but when I go for dinner (and too many drinks later) getting home is almost unbearable. Especially now that it’s cold. Or weirdly, weird as now it’s raining and not snowing. Fine. I’ll take the rain. That means it’s warmer.
I managed to extricate myself from that offer. However, everything comes with a price? He wants to come over prior to our “dinner party” for pressie time. Fuck!
Oh, my flat… I didn’t even bother to “clean” it. I think I just picked up random piles of shit and then rearranged them into other random piles of shit. As I often say, “I live in ADD Hell.”
Does it really matter? Two mental cases in a tiny box (aka my flat?) I mean, I only have one chair! I’ll sit on the matching Ottoman. *shakes head* Obviously, I can not “entertain” or throw any dinner parties myself no matter how much I would like to do so. Truism: PA does love a good dinner party. Should she have a lovely living space (and enough invitees) she would definitely throw them in fine style!
In trying to make things the furthest concept imaginable from respectable, I did find this short story that I had written out by hand that I had totally forgotten about. It’s maybe not so bad but completely unpublishable. It’s about a writer and Publishers despise nothing more than “Writers Writing About Being Writers!” No, it’s true. I could change the character to having another profession? I’m not sure how that would work out though, considering how I’ve tied it all up, rather neatly, at the end. *shrug*
Or maybe not neatly? When I found it, I just added one more line to “complete it.” That was when I was randomly making other random piles of randomness. Oh, I also had some laundry cooking. And had somewhere in there taken a shower, was wrapping pressies, making tea, kicking things across the floor in a vague “attempt” at “sweeping,” hanging up a business suit that had been lying half over my bed/office/closet/pharmacy for about two months, found more clothes on the floor that I still haven’t taken to a second hand store…tossed them back into the trash bags. Then wiped the coffee table, found more clothes underneath it that actually were not to be donated–yes, keep those and shove them in my closet (not the bed/office/closet/pharmacy.) Oh, books! I have more than my shelves will now take so stack them on top of something–beside laudered towels that I can’t…well…put away because I’m too short for my “linens” shelf–reason being, I need to remove the sheets. That means I need to actually make my bed/office/closet/pharmacy. Okay, leave them with the stacks of books. Right beside them. Nice match? Towels and books? Sure.
Yes, you might call this “multi-tasking?” No, it is not having a fucking clue what you are doing and having your brain on some kind of auto-pilot until almost a rather, vaguely, colourful butterfly flits past. When it’s gone, you stare into space until a bell rings in your head and then you realize you have to go to the bathroom. Then everything grinds to a halt. After that, you forget where you are and of course forget everything you’ve done up until that point and anything you need to do at all. And possibly forever. Then you figure out what time it is and you have no clue at all how about five hours have slipped by. Then you panic. Because it finally hits you. What needs to get done. And the cycle then repeats.
Welcome to ADD Hell. And the above is just a brief “synopsis” or example.
I went out today and found something “within budget” for J. The upstairs tenant said yesterday that she has something for me too. She did last year as well. *sighs* I had nothing for her last year as her gift came as a total surprise. I found something for her as well that was “within budget.” I can’t buy things for everyone else. Not that I have to. Gift giving isn’t like that. I feel bad, though. God, Grocery Man should be right at the top of the list for all the hell I seem to have put him through?
Maybe I’ll start making a list and when I finally come into some money, I’ll start buying pressies for everyone? *PA smacks forehead*
So, my flat is sort of, kind of…well, whatever. It’s not like we’ll be staying there that long? Well, by his timing…and when we’re due to show up at G.’s? I can only hope he’ll be running late! I doubt it. He’s all “pressie excited!” Regardless, he’ll still see it anyway! Whatever.
And I’m not making my bed! See “The Nutcase Bed Poll!” *laughing* No, I’m just going to pull the duvet over it. If anything, there will be my current read and my computer peripherals on it. Ugh. Again.
I still have to do more laundry and find the upstairs tenant. In my ADD Madness to try and get things done, she left! I think I missed her by about 10 minutes! Now, THAT is frustrating! You’re spazzing out, trying to confusedly do a million things at once, knowing you definitely have to get one done on time, you think you can get it done and than…BAH!
Damn you ADD!