Archive for January, 2009
I hate my brain. *PA shakes head and laughs* No, I really do. I think we all do? Or at least sometimes we all do or can?
When trying to fall asleep, I am experiencing what I call “ADD Buzzy Brain.”© Oh, this is truly upsetting, disappointing, frustrating.
When I last saw Merling #1 which was just last week? Or maybe the week before? I dont remember… Anyway, one of the questions he asked me was, how was my sleep. It was fine…then!
Perhaps I should not complain so much. There are other readers here who have frightful insomnia and/or sleep issues. However, when you get used to something so near and dear to you like your sleep and then…”tink!”…it is taken away; well, yes, you may feel rather forlorn. And like physical and mental shite because…well, your sleep is screwed!
So, the “Buzzy Brain.” What’s that all about? Well, it could be some anxiety about the two possibilities of finding a job. That last “telephone interview” and the “disabilities” sort of organization place etc… Some kind of “expectant anxiety?” Also, all the things I have to do but just can’t keep track of (and they are more of an urgent nature now than before.) If there is anything that will up the ADD Ante, that will surely do it! Then there are always personal “life” things. They will never disappear because as soon as you get a grip on one thing, something else is hurled your way. That is called: “Life.”
I am growing rather weary (no pun intended) of all of this. I can’t turn off my brain, though! I’ve never been able to do it! I mean, even the reading I was doing before going to sleep to try and relax just isn’t cutting it anymore. *sigh*
There are always “tipping points.” I really hope I am not reaching one. I should probably monitor myself, my moods, somewhat better these days? Make sure I’m not treading too closely to the diving board above the gene pool? Granted, I do swim at the shallow end. However, I am not a very good swimmer.
Just the idea of me starting to go (more) mental is a rather frightening prospect. I don’t want to think about that either.
Time is a funny thing. Right now I am trying to grasp how fluid it really is. Look at the above. The Title. A Difference.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking how this blog has caused me
I’m not talking so much the Yo-Yo of writing my own experiences of pain; the battles of stopping writing, taking breaks, finding other content beyond my own craziness… Hell, even taking the entire thing down altogether!
That’s all it would take!
Well, that is something I never really wanted to do. Not ever. And truthfully with WP? You can back it up. Save it.
You told me that, Babe.
Save It. Make It Safe.
The pain my blog has caused me. More than I ever thought it would. The thing is, blogging is not simply sitting at a computer, typing away, whatever you want on a pretty (or banal) screen.
You don’t blog in a vaccuum.
Online relationships can be just as powerful (or painful) as those in real life. Choose your poison.
Save it. Make it safe.
Oh, You! I was a little nervous before… On Approach! Before Landing! I never told you but a girl has to have some secrets, right? Keep some element of mystery? I’m just kidding! *laughing*
I was a bit nervous, though, really! But from that first hug and the more we talked…for those few hours…more hugs and wee gentle touches. How did you make me feel?
Save it. Make it safe.
Well, there were other things, of course. But that was the biggie. Or one biggie.
So I will give you this song. It came up on Shuffle when I was going home after we left. It even brought a couple of tears to my eyes.
Now all I have to do is wait to see if I have to go shopping for a new dress and shoes? *wink*
I’ll send this link to you…just so you know I wrote it for you…’cause you’re not at home but you can “access me.” *laughing again*
EDIT: As mentioned previously, PA does write posts dedicated to certain people… Gladly, when opportunity strikes.
Half a World Away by R.E.M – Live on BBC
J. and I are truly redonculous. Yesterday we had a rather large snow storm but we kept our “date” to go and pick up my printer. Good Lord! He lives about two hours from me but in “good weather,” I can generally make it in less than that via public transit. Well, of course yesterday it took me almost 2.5 hours?
So we had dinner, lazed around in avoidance mode and finally picked the damn thing up, plus a few other items I needed so in reality, the printer wasn’t exactly $100 but the final bill was. Then another two hour trek back to my place.
Now, it’s not that I can’t buy these things on my own but J. works in IT so I drag him along just to make sure I am getting the best deal etc… Also, I needed light bulbs as mine had all gone out in my “living room” where the thing had to be set up. Kind of hard to do things like that by…the light of a television screen? Plus, I’m too short to replace them and I don’t have a ladder. Plus, I needed him to carry the printer.
Plus, I finally bought a battery for my smoke detector that died, when? Last summer? Burn, PA! Burn! Let’s get him all tall and put that damn thing up on the ceiling too!
It’s a nice wee printer. The only thing is that it won’t fax. But I checked the specs on baby MacBook and I don’t have a fax card or…capabilities…something…
W’ot the bloody ‘ell???
The only “thing” I can do is send something to a Bluetooth? Now why on earth would PA have a Bluetooth?! It’s not like I walk around all “hands free.” I don’t have a car to even drive around “hands free!”
Wait a minute. That sounds pretty dangerous! I know there’s “Cruise Control” but they haven’t developed some kind of Autopilot (sorry, couldn’t resist.) And no doubt, if I keep having more seizures, I’ll never be able to drive again anyway!
So, forget the faxing. The trade off is that it’s Wifi! W00t! I can work away on my bed and…click! Off things go about a whole 20 feet or less to my printer! It is handy though. I don’t have to carry my stupid wonderful laptop over to it every time I want to print something.
So, yes…we braved the absolutely, terrible, disgusting weather to get me a printer I can not afford! As above, redonculous, and total loss of gray matter.
Oh, and I probably lost even more brain cells later. Getting ready for beddy and then…AHHHH!!! The pain struck. Stupid, fucking migraine!!! I have blogged before that I can’t tell when they are coming on as my prodrome…I can never identify it and the migraines hit so fast. In looking back, however, things fit and it’s always the same. Moodiness. Although, not like when I cycle with Bipolar. Not that extreme.
I had been quite up and down for the last few days and migraine prodromes can last for yes, days. Sometimes even longer? And they can include mood changes. So, I took all my meds including my triptan and lay in pain for a significant while not being able to sleep. If you can believe it, with photophobia, I got up to watch television! But I just couldn’t stand laying there doing nothing in pain! I don’t even remember what I watched. I just waited until I felt sleepy enough to go back to bed.
Now I’m in postdrome hell. Or what I simply refer to as the second day, “migraine hangover.” Oh, I feel hungover, indeed. It’s always a two day thing for me. Ugh. I’m just sitting around, drinking tea and trying to figure out how to pass time (with as little energy expenditure as possible.) That is, until it’s time for bed–where I stayed for most of the day anyway trying to sleep everything off!
So now, my sleep schedule is all messed up again? *sigh*
It probably doesn’t matter as it has not been good this last while and I’ve been being plagued with very unpleasant dreams lately.
It’s called “The Tao of Emerson” and is Edited by Richard Grossman. I picked it up quite a while ago at a charity book sale for just a few bucks. Actually, did I come back with one or two bags? Ironic for someone with ADD who couldn’t then read, yet irresistible for someone who loves books with a passion.
It draws parallels between the Tao Te Ching and it’s philosophical principles (one translated version) and some of Emerson’s writing. Interesting? Grossman said that it wasn’t a mere cut and paste sort of job. I’ve just started it and I was “stim-less” yesterday due to my ADD “med-rationing.” That is due to lack of insurance for those that do not know.
NOTE: ADD meds are the only psych meds where you can take a “drug holiday.” I would not recommend it for any other meds anyone else out there may be on. Seriously.
I think, at least, this is the sort of book that you need to pay a little bit of attention to; you can’t just rip through it say: “I get it! Done now!” I think it deserves some thought. Some respect.
It also has some rather interesting calligraphy work too.
I found a couple of passages (comparative) that I really liked last night. I’ll bold font them and will have to give you the first (Tao) and the then the second (Emerson) as I can’t put them beside each other as the book does. I will put the Tao in italics.
When we renounce learning we have no troubles.
The ready “yes” and the flattering “yea”–
Small is the difference they display.
But mark their issues good and ill–
What space the gulf between shall fill?
The multitude of men look satisfied and pleased;
As if enjoying a full banquet, as if mounted on a tower
I alone seem listless and still, my desires having as yet
given no indication of their presence.
I am like an infant which has not yet smiled.
I look dejected and forlorn,
as if I had no home to go to.
The multitude of men all have enough and to spare.
My mind is that of a stupid man; I am in a state of chaos.
Ordinary men look bright and intelligent, while I alone
They look full of discrimination, while I alone
am dull and confused.
I seem to be carried about as on the sea, drifting as if
I had nowhere to rest.
All men have their spheres of action, while I alone
seem dull and incapable, like a rude borderer.
Thus I alone am different from other men, but I
value the Tao.
Away profane philosopher!
Seekest thou in nature the cause?
This refers to that, and that to the next,
And the next to the third, and everything refers.
The world rolls, the din of life
is never hushed,
The carnival, the masquerade is at its height;
Nobody drops his domino.
But I am only an experimenter;
Do not set the least value on what I do
or the least discredit on what I do not,
As if I pretended to settle anything as true of false;
I unsettle all things.
No facts are to me sacred, none are profane.
I simply experiment, an endless seeker,
with no past to my back.
I am a weed by the wall.
I see that I am a pensioner, not a cause,
but a surprised spectator of this ethereal water;
That I desire and look up,
And put myself in the attitude of reception;
But from some alien energy,
the visions come.
I must say that I love the Emerson one. I really, really do! Emerson has always been a massive favourite of mine.
I hope you enjoyed.
Have I done enough yet?
I felt so utterly guilty after yesterday for getting no work done (that being work for work) I think I was hammering away today for about five or six hours straight? I contacted all of my Recruiters, a couple got back to me with big, fat zeros. Which isn’t “necessarily” true as there are direct-to-employer jobs out there where I am placing my focus. Maybe people just aren’t going to Agencies? Whatever.
I applied for some jobs. However, I haven’t scoured all of my resources as I am almost ready for bed and it’s sort of around dinner time here. And speaking of bed! My sleep last night! Horrible! I was having nightmares about “what I have learned and things people have taught me that have disappeared from my life!”
I don’t think I should have written that post.
Anyway, that woman finally called me back for the telephone interview! I was just about leaping with joy (as high up or even as possible that someone can leap from their bed with a laptop on their…lap?) Anyway, all friendly and chipper we both were. I may have scored some points as I had already done some research that I pulled straight out for this “first round’er.” If I am short listed, I shall hear back in two weeks.
Another thing I did was contact this sort of “place” or “organization” that assists people with “disabilities” in finding employment. I dealt with them a while back–quite a few months ago.
Now, I don’t refer to myself as “disabled” but when I blogged about it before, it was like, fuck this “disabled” shit, I need a job! Well, obviously things have not improved? They have worsened!
I spoke to the man where I ended up before and I told him about some of the changes since I was last there. He said he’d get right on things as per exactly what I needed since I still met the criteria. He’d call me tomorrow and see how soon he could get me in and get things rolling. So, perhaps some movement there?
I suppose the one good thing if the above bears fruit, is that I will be working for a sympathetic employer? If I go completely mental and lose it, end up in hospital for the seventh time they’ll be just fine with that!!! *PA shakes head*
So many people say things like: “People come into your life for a certain reason.” Or here’s another one: “(Certain) People come into your life to teach you things.” For some “reason,” these phrases bother me.
Perhaps it’s an interpretive thing I have with them (which sort of, maybe, kinda ties into another post I was thinking about writing today.) My mind has been contemplating buying a ticket to get on the Asperger’s Train again but to write that post…it may be too long. Perhaps for another time. When I have more time. I don’t today. Not right now.
So my interpretation of those sentences and the ideas behind them. Well, it is not that I don’t “understand” them verbally. In a way. Sure, someone can tell you about…well…okay, here’s a good example. They practise a certain religion, faith or belief system that you know nothing about. You can learn from that. Alright. Or, perhaps you share a common interest and they tell you something about that, you didn’t already know.
Those are very concrete examples.
Beyond that? I’ve had problems identifying other, maybe, deeper things “taught” to me. Well…very negative things? Things that have left me in a complete, quagmire of confusion?
That may also be because of another “interpretive” factor. When I hear what is spoken above, to me it means the people come in and out of your life for that very, express purpose. That is all they are here to do. And for me, that not only leaves me in a complete, quagmire of confusion but one that sucks me quickly and violently into a hole full of my abandonment issues. Oh, yes.
These issues run oozing, deep and dark, fully throughout my entire body like all of my arteries, veins; even my tiny capillaries. So, it’s some kind of what? Lesson and Leave? What have you really bestowed upon me that I should now take away and add to my arsenal of wisdom?
I’ll tell you what it is. Pain. More Confusion. More Abandonment.
I will not disagree that there is much to learn in life. I will not disagree that I make constant mistakes and sometimes the most ultimate faux pas that you would not believe! In so doing, when people leave my life, is the lesson I am to learn that…I should not make that mistake again? Not make that ultimate faux pas?
That’s kind of hard when you don’t realize that you’ve made it. Even if you keep on making it. And you still don’t realize that you’re making it.
Maybe this is taking me somewhat back to jumping on the Aspie Train after all?
I am trying to “learn” from people that are coming into my life. And even should they leave? Well, I can’t say I won’t be left confused, still being sucked down into probably the worst, psychically, painful place for me ever.
Something did occur to me the other day. Even if it came through a song. It is derived from someone I knew in the past. Maybe there are a couple of points here. I don’t know. Maybe it takes time for you to “learn” what others have “taught” you? After they leave?
Or maybe you have to “teach yourself.”
Song: “Nervous Breakthrough” by Luscious Jackson
They say “Misery Loves Company.” How does Irony fit in?
I met a man last night in the deathly New Year’s Eve Seizure Pub. It appears I have a three-pint cut off now but no one was paying attention to that as my newly found friend kept ordering and ordering for me. However we had something to eat, too.
I feel like shit today. I know he does as well after I read his email not long ago. That’s why I ask the question: Is Pain Contagious? In our shared madnesses are we so driven to do such ridiculous things that affect other people without any forethought? Well, yes. At least in one way. It’s called being an addict.
So, here’s your list of Irony:
- Also Gay
- Affiliated (Completely) with the “Weird Back to School Program”
- Nutcase (dx MDD) has been hospitalized once
- Addict (Crack)
Hmmm…I guess that’s it? He also seemed kind of AD(H)D to me as we were fighting for conversation space and interrupting each other and… Of course we reviewed all of that with me and my Bipolar and my…
He was so reluctant to share things with me in the beginning but later on he asked to hold my hands as we talked and as he squeezed them, his eyes were closed so tightly that I could almost feel the battle he was fighting. I had asked him earlier if he was clean. He said…well…no…not really… He was fighting the battle with me that night just to not go out and score. That night alone.
Oh, did I fail to mention that this man is working on his Ph.D.?
Addiction doesn’t discriminate.
I was a fucking asshole to someone last night so if you are reading this, I apologize. It won’t take my actions back and this is the second time that I have done something similar with you. What can I blame it on…too much to drink? The mutual exchange of pain that went on that evening (no wonder I wanted to keep drinking!) I was triggered by his pain and then it opened the floodgates to my own? And yes, it did. A few Bipolar Triggery Jolts?
There is only the impulsive action where nothing else in the world matters–only what is in my head, right in that moment, right in that immediacy. It doesn’t matter how that impulsivity comes about, be it the diagnosis or the drink; that’s just the delivery method. So again, I am so very sorry.
I always say these things are the reasons but not the excuse. People must step up and take responsibility for their actions when they do harm, cause distress, break the law…whatever it may be due to their mental illnesses (and yes, addiction is a form of illness, not a character flaw people, don’t make me have to keep repeating myself.)
As I said above: Addiction doesn’t discriminate. I guess it’s time for me to take some responsibility?
“Hi…I’m PA and I’m an Alcoholic…”
Not the best place or time? Well, there’s never a good time!
And they’re never good!
I was on the Subway/Underground/Metro/Whatever to meet J. We were going to do something really cool. Something fun. Or at least I thought so. Now when does PA actually go out and do anything “cool” and “fun?”
Well, how’s this for fun? A relatively, exciting Simple Partial Motor Seizure on the above form/s of transit at rush hour, completely packed. I’m trying to get out at my stop, already looking completely spazzerific and then when I actually have to stand?
EDIT: When my legs started to jangle at first, two lovely ladies let me sit down but I told them I didn’t have far to go.
So this is when it gets (or got?) rough. I’m still kind of seizing but I have to meet J. or he’ll be WTF? I’m still underground so if he calls, I won’t get his call on my mobile…especially if I were to totally fall down or something ridiculous—highly unlikely but at this bloody point let’s not start ruling out the damn tonic-clonics! I’ve already fallen down with Atonics so just add some insanely, whacked, out-of-control muscle movements and ta da!
EDIT: Thank bloody god they didn’t hit the “Emergency Bar” while I was on transit! Having any kind of issue…ugh…off to the hospital…where they can do nothing…
I had to make it up several levels to meet J., still bouncing and nearly toppling away. And from the beginning…everyone staring all the time. On the Subway…or whatever you wish to call it and then me trying to make my way to him. Everyone staring.
You just have to get used to it when you have seizures in public. Or at least the seizures that you have when you’re still “there.” When you’re conscious or at least semi-conscious. With Complex Partials or tonic-clonics where you lose consciousness…well, I guess you wouldn’t have a clue how everyone was staring at you. But you can be damn well sure that they ARE staring at you.
Boy, did I feel that last night. Even though I was pretty out of it, I did. It was creepy, sensing everyone around me looking and wondering…
“What is WRONG with this girl or woman?”
“She looks kind of ill? But WHAT kind of ill?”
“Oh, I know! She’s all kind of twisty and shaky and can’t walk very well! Maybe it’s CP! Oh, that’s it…nevermind. She’ll be fine. She’s used to it. Had it all her life…those with CP. They’re okay.”
“Whoa! Getta load of that! I have NEVER seen someone THAT messed up!”
“That girl…now she doesn’t LOOK homeless…and she’s got a laptop bag? Okay she could have all of her junk in that but no…she just…doesn’t look like some kind of strung out homeless person.”
“That girl is seriously fucked. She has some definite problems. Mentally? She’s CRAZY. Just keep walking. Don’t turn around.”
Welcome to having seizures in public.
I met J. before our “cool and fun” outing. He took one look at me and just grabbed me.
All I said was: “This really wasn’t a good time for this to happen.”
Hello, sweetheart. You know I am available as per our recent communique.
For you, honey…well, you can have a freebie for that night. You’ve always been so good.
I’ll waive the costs…because you did send me this sweet, little missive. I have been told that, true, I have made…temperatures rise.
But you are such a dear.
So, indeed. Shall I make your temperature rise… I think that’s obvious. You just give me a call for our “appointment.” If you get my VM, be sure to leave a message. Okay, doll?
Elvis Presley – Burning Love