Archive for February, 2009

I’ve been thinking about posting this for a little while now.  I’ve written about this before and it is in complete, distinct and even absurd contrast to the issues that I have been having with social cues etc…lately.

But maybe not…?

Bear with me.  I have blogged about this before but now it may be getting into an entire new realm regarding the above social cue business, issues surrounding social behaviour and what not…I could list in bulleted points my “Aspie Checklist.”

When PA was wee, she was so sensitive, she was pretty much empathic.  If you don’t know (not to insult your intelligence) sympathetic means you can try to understand a person’s situation; empathetic means you can feel for it or them.  You’ve experienced the similar.  Lived it.  Something along those lines. Well, when wee PA was so sensitive, she could literally feel what people…felt? And they would basically be just random people she would see.

And it would make her feel sick.  Physically.

There is a prior post here where I made a joke about me not being like Deanna Troy.  No, it’s not like that.

Guess what? It’s back.

Or at least it came back the other day? In full force.

And boy did I want to cry, spaz out, wretch, throw up (although there was nothing in my system.)  I just kept listening to my iPod while I was on transit and tried to close my eyes and tried to stop looking at the people around me.

This may sound crazy.  You may be thinking this is some sort of paranormal “hogwash.”  However, how do you explain a combination of looking at someone and getting both an emotional feeling about them, no matter what it is and then a visceral reaction in your own body…or several? And yes, the reactions are so intense you feel sick.

I shut this off, so many years ago because it hurt too bloody much and that was the exact time when I “stopped crying.”  No, I did.  After that, it took something absolutely massive to make me cry.  Well, shit’s opening.  I don’t feel like the “Walking Wounded.”  I feel like “The Walking Wound.”

Some people have told me to just let this happen.  Uhhh…yeah? Okay.  They’ve said, “It’s a gift.” *PA crosses eyes*

As far as the Aspie stuff? This is a non-communicative thing, right? People on the Spectrum aren’t fucking retarded! They do feel things! They just can’t communicate those feelings so well (if at all?) at times.

I don’t know if this makes any sense.  Wacky (Sickly Feeling) Empathic Aspies! Am I one? Well, I suppose anything is possible.  It might make sense? In some way? It’s almost like the sensitivity factor is ratcheted up so high in not being able to express things, everything gets turned inside out, outside in, bass-ackwards and all the rest? I don’t know.

Because you see…

I can’t “explain or communicate it” very well.

So, I give you “Lightning Crashes” by Live.

NOTE: Server problems with MP3otM.  Will fix ASAP.  Thanks.

FURTHER EDIT: Asperger’s like any other flavour of head business does not manifest itself the same way in everyone.  That is a “no-brainer” but check out this absolute gem I found:

People with Asperger’s are often said to lack empathy, but I think that’s not quite true. I do notice what other people are feeling—in fact, sometimes I almost feel it myself

I was just poking around in Google to see if I was sounding like a complete idiot or not! This is a quote taken from an “Essay” written by “Aaron.”  As a courtesy, I will link to it of course.  And man…I swear, just in reading some other stuff out there…I had to laugh.  If you were to as well, you might see PA all over the place.

Link to Aaron’s Essay.

So, yes.  My last post.  These types of posts I refer to as “drive-bys” on my blog.  They can be written for usually a couple of reasons: I’m either pissed out of my gourd, drunk or I’m cycling in some manner (or both?) Even my rants on my blog pale by comparison, I would say.  I would also say that this really isn’t or wasn’t one of my worst (or best!) drive-bys to date.

I rarely receive comments on them because I figure that people either don’t have a clue what to say or they just say: “Yep, PA’s gone off the rails again!” I do have to laugh at my drive-bys though.  I mean, come on! Nothing displays my mentalness in full bloom like they do!

I am so tired.  Brain and body moving like treacle, molasses, whatever…  I was just going to leave things basically as above but I may as well tell you what I believe pretty much precipitated it?

This is going to take me forever to write, edit, make coherent and you to read? I don’t know how late I was up writing the first post and then the “drive-by.”  Then with whatever sleep I got, I had to get up in what felt like five minutes to go see Merlin #2 first thing this morning.  A long commute via transit there and back, some things to do on the way home, no caffeine (just getting that into me now.)

Okay. I think my email from my sister *PA now checks for response being the masochist she is* Whew! Nothing there although that ratchets up the anxiety factor? Anyway, I think it upset me so much that–trigger!

I read it and responded right before I left for my appt. at the “job disability place.”  Which again, I love them, they are awesome, however–job stress.  Still, a great appointment.  Now, can we see big low…big high…some more low…more high…

Then, I had to meet J. as my shower head is broken.  We had previously agreed to go “shopping” for another one and hang out for a bit afterward.  My mood totally sucked and I just did not feel like being with him.  However, we did end up having an alright time.

I got home and all of the sudden…ouch…my head! I had called Brad Pitt and he called back and I was like, is this a tension headache or a migraine? We both thought, better play it safe.  I popped one of my Maxalt/Rizatriptan.  Speaking of…my head is killing me right now. *PA pads off to take some Ibuprophen* And make more tea due to funky Adenosine receptor business and caffeine acting as a vasoconstrictor–which will hopefully help with her headache too.  Or at least get her moving a bit.

So, the plan was to meet Brad the next day.  I saw how I felt, if it was “Migraine Hangover Day” and I did feel kind of crappy but maybe getting out would help.  We met for a couple of pints and chatted.  I do really like him.

He’s a wreck physically due to the car accident and more.  I told him I wanted to x-ray his entire body, hang all the films on my wall and bow down in front of them in awe, being so thankful he’s my friend! We went head to toe and I covered everything, I think? The only thing that’s been saved is his pelvis? I know.  Med Geek PA never shuts up about her favourite and such narrowed topic of interest? *PA pauses and reviews Aspie traits for the nth time*

He’s one tough son of a gun mentally, too–and a bit screwy there as well! Hey, join the club.  But there is a wee tender spot in there.  Perhaps more than wee.  And it seems like it’s there for wee PA.  Well, it’s good to have friends and PA doesn’t have many.

After he had to go, I still had a bit of beer left and then I suddenly found myself in the middle of a weekly Euchre Tourney at my local.  Huh? I didn’t even know it existed.  Okay.  I also “suddenly” started acting more “gregarious” than I usually do.  In fact, I was rather “speedily” talking Brad’s ear off and then…? And no, I hadn’t had a lot to drink.

Anyone detecting any kind of, I don’t know…Bipolar Yo-Yo activity going on?

But then.  OMG.  Just before the Euchre Tourney was done…another game or two to go and I got struck with Complete Social Anxiety! Total Overload! Too Much Stimulation!

It was all I could do to hang on and finish up with these total strangers and not run screaming from the pub!!! I felt like a total fucktard even though they all seemed nice? Well, I couldn’t read the social cues of a few of the men very well… (Aspie girl?!) No, seriously.  I couldn’t “get” them and their behaviour toward me.

So I finally got outta there as fast as I could, sat and just tried to stop everything from spinning and I picked up something I shouldn’t have read.  Well, not shouldn’t have. I just did and WHAM! Another trigger.

Then I came home and got all spastic on baby MacBook.

So, I guess that’s it? *PA sighs*

I don’t even know where the hell I am now.  It certainly doesn’t feel like Earth.  If I don’t get back to folks for a bit…I’ll get back ASAP for sure.

I could probably write volumes upon volumes on this but have you ever written posts at insane speeds, typing away…edit later…edit later…

Then you go back and realize (that is, if you’re even half in your mind) that everything you wrote is complete and total shite?

So. “To be or not to be?” Delete or not Delete? Save or not to Save?

Well, I know I just wrote a massive post that I think is complete and total shite and a real mess.  It’s tying in a couple of things tonight…well, I could throw in another one.  Also, streaming an MP3.  What the backstory of the MP3 is about and a specific tie-in (or as specific as I can get) to the song regarding a story from my past.

Gee, what else did I write about? What the hell else did I shove in there? Well, if I left anything out, do you think that’s enough to make it one terribly, convoluted, ugly, bloody mess on its own?

Oh, yes.  Of course there was the banal (or sometimes exciting or titillating!) “plot” of my evening.  Although, when you’re mental, far too many times (and I am…no…ARGH!!!)


Again, that “down the rabbit hole” business.  Yes, we’re mental and we get into a sitch so things get weird.  Fine.

I’m never going to write the “Alice Down the Rabbit Hole” thing on my blog again.

Fuck, it’s everywhere now and it’s just been done too much.

Why can’t we all be as original in our writing as our mentalness makes us???

Whoa, PA! You’re one motherfuckin’ pompous ass for sayin’ that!

Sorry, folks.  PA’s writing isn’t that original and…well, feel free to call her a pompous ass at your choosing.

When I read her email, my mood just dropped like a sack of rocks.  She and I have done this before.  This bastardized, ballroom, farce of a dance, where stepping on toes can lead to some very severe blows.

I can’t deal with this right now.  If it escalates? I’m not strong enough.  I don’t think I can ever deal with it again.  It’s happened too many times.

I can spin circles around her on the dance floor with my footwork but she won’t listen and runs off to the “instructor” for more of her less than adept knowledge of the steps.  Ones that I already know by rote–and can perform better with any partner of my choosing.

My sister isn’t “anti-med.”  She just feels “it doesn’t take an idiot” (as she said this time) to “know” that with everything I am on, it’s bound to cause more problems regarding my seizures, the increase I have had with them since losing my job, the new ones, the more intense ones…blah, blah, blah…

Indeed, this is all related to my referral to the special Epliepsy Clinic at the hospital for closer and more serious monitoring.

I did not “engage” per se in the email.  I acquiesced slightly when she told me all that she knew as a friend or hers that is a nurse gave her loads of reading material on the subject of stims.  Those would be my AD(H)D meds and how they were so “dangerous” for me. *sigh*  That was one main point.

The rest was about my cocktail and how she felt I should be completely reassessed or some such and reviewed and how all  of them could be so toxic to me and…

I “gently” tried re-explain how and why I needed the specific meds I’m on very briefly.  I did say that fine my stims could be an issue but never were before.  I did not go anywhere near the idea of a complete weaning off of everything I am on in some inpatient setting if that is what she had on her mind! She did not suggest it but are you kidding me?!?! Do you know how long that would take??? Well, if you were a responsible physician and did things in a prudent and proper manner.

You wouldn’t think you would want to just do a “slash and burn” on my brain, would you? Even under “medical supervision?” And further, let’s pause for a moment and think just what it might do to my brain?

It’s not like I’m just some pill-popper that takes these meds for fun.  I do need them.  Believe me, I’d rather not “go to the trouble” of having all the comorbidities of: Bipolar, ADD, Seizures, Migraines and GERD.  Even the new PTS from the concussion? But you see, I don’t really have any choice in the matter.  Therefore, I require medication.  Are we all clear about that? Any questions? Good.

I ended things on a very personal and sensitive note.  She knows that I have been hospitalized (SIX TIMES for goodness sake!) Yes, I am a “Professional Patient” and can circumnavigate the mental health system so well, I’ve actually talked my way out of several admissions! That were obviously not warranted…

I told her how precious my meds were to me.  How long and what a difficult, painful and frightening struggle it has been for me to achieve the stability I have due to them.  They make me as “sane” as I can possibly be.  I also said, due to that fact, I could quite confidently state that without my meds I would not be here today.  I didn’t say I would be dead but I think the point was made clearly enough.

If a fuss is kicked up (as it has definitely been before) I will completely give in (as I have done before) and go back to not discussing my health issues further (as was done before.)  Again, I don’t have the strength to deal with this.  Plus, I fear it’s something that I can’t “deal with” even if I had Herculean or Atlas sized muscles, anyway.  We just can’t reach any common ground? Well, I could go off all of my meds completely and perhaps then she might get the picture?

This is very upsetting.  To hear all of this all over again.  Things were going so well.  Hopefully there won’t be any escalation.

At least she was positive with all of the other personal things I wrote about.

Okay, I have got to give my hands something else to do! *laughing* And my brain? I’ve been at this for hours.  And I still have only just been futzing around a little bit! I’ve been flipping back and forth and between the difference, I’m surprised I haven’t given myself a Photic Seizure by now!

Just kidding.

But boy what a screwy change! Only one thing I don’t like about it? Well, a couple so I have to be a bit arsey right off the hop–but I am arsey?


If you haven’t figured out what I am yammering on about here…I’ll leave you in suspense!

I’m just kind of sitting here giggling at nothing.  Well, except how much of an idiot I am.  Hey, sitting here all giddy at practically nothing sure beats sitting here down in the dumps.  I haven’t been really concentrating very well on anything except Twitter.  You see, I’ve finally gotten it through my thick skull that it is a “Social Networking Tool.”  Therefore, you actually have to use it.

I told you I had (or can tend to have) problems with social cues (haha…a bit of an Aspie/Spectrum/Techie joke there, no matter how pathetic.)

I was feeling kind of…sad…boo hoo…that I wasn’t getting anyone to talk to me on Twitter.  Well, that’s basically the point above? I need to use it? Also, I really don’t have that many “followers.”  I guess I need to expand my “Cult?”  However, since it is a “Social Networking Tool,” the more I may get bounced around a bit, that may help?

HA! Look out! PAs Cult is on The Rise! <insert evil laughter here>

Just kidding.  I don’t have a big enough ego for a Cult and seriously lack the leadership skills.  Although, if I do become Big Enough, I could perhaps hire someone to lead it for me? Someone just as Completely Insane as myself? Or we could work together; A Brilliant Collaboration! In fact…I have just the person in mind… <insert more evil laughter>

But back to the Biphentin.  Not to worry everyone about me going on and off it (although I’m starting to worry!) I have said this before but I will repeat it: AD(H)D meds are the only psych meds that you can safely take a “drug holiday” with.  The reason that I am doing this is I need to apply for some stoopid guvmunt plan and I don’t want to run out of them.  They are not covered by the plan unless they are approved with a special form and blah, blah, blah… And even then, they may be “rejected?”

This really didn’t come as any surprise as they are amphetamines.  If you take them and you don’t have AD(H)D, chances are pretty high that you’ll get high.

In looking at the program there are a grand three of my meds that require this rigamarole! Unbelievable! It did also say that until (and let’s hope!) I get approved, I can pay out of pocket and submit my receipts.  Groovy.  That’s quite generous of them for people who are on a limited income, unemployed etc…

Well, I need my meds.  Oh my freakin’…  I don’t even want to think how I would be without them. Bipolar, ADD, Epilepsy, Migraines, GERD! Can any of you out there imagine how I would be???

I think I’m already getting a little flippy-dippy with riding my Biphentin roller coaster.  Sure, I’m feelin’ pretty good and yet I have no concentration.  Well, my concentration has been very bad for a while but it’s more my mood right now! And I may be feeling some side effects of stims?

Maybe Dr. PA should get herself in for a consult or simply just call the pharmacy.  I’m smack dab in the mid-dosage range so this on/off shit that I’ve been doing for a little while might be a bit much.  Meaning, it’s okay to do once in a while but not on a regular basis.

I was alright with it before but today? I think something’s going on.  And I’m not telling Merlin #2 I’ve been doing this (well, at least not this much, if at all?) He respects me highly for my med knowledge as all of my team does (except Arsey Neuro) but he may not be too happy if I’ve made a boo boo–even unintentionally.  I’m seeing him Thursday to talk about the stoopid guvmunt shit.

So, AD(H)D’ers reading.  Take heed and don’t do this.  I may have definitely made a boo boo.  Again, not to worry though.  I’ll get back on them, get the extended release Ritalin floating back through my system and all will be good.

For now, I guess I’ll just enjoy the ride? *laughing* Although I know it’s not really a laughing matter–I just can’t help it…

As I mentioned a while ago, Dr. Arsey Neuro is referring me to a special Epilepsy Clinic at a hospital here as “he can no longer do anything for me.”  This was rather music to my ears.  Because if you can’t guess already…he is Dr. Arsey Neuro! However, he said it was “a friend and colleague.”  Oh, please do not let him be Dr. Arsey Neuro #2!

I’ve been for two EEGs (one regular and one Sleep Deprived) and one MRI.  The EEGs monitor your brain waves to try and “catch a seizure in motion” and the MRIs check for any brain abnormalities, tumors and things like that.  I figured they would find nothing with the MRI.  No, I mean nothing.

As in: “Erm…excuse me Dr…there is nothing inside this girl’s cranium.  She has no brain!”

So, the clinic.  Will they keep me in a bed permanently, hooked up to an EEG for a week? Maybe like this guy?

PA says: "Man, I never had that many leads!"

PA says: "Man, I never had that many leads!"

Whoa! Check him out, eh? He’s like “The White Borg” or something.  I’m kind of jealous.  I want to look like a Borg! I can’t even count the number of leads there.  I think the most I ever got was 40.

Or maybe they’ll give me an Ambulatory EEG.  I’m kind of disappointed at my “Borg-ability” per centages there too.  Perhaps technology has changed.  I believe so as you are about to see.  I think in the past, you’d get all hooked up and carry a monitor on your belt but now, here are a couple of models I found that you actually strap on your bean.

This one I found out about courtesy of an article in engadget:

Okay, but why was there so much discussion about her nose in the article?

Okay, but why was there so much discussion about her nose in the article?

Here’s another one that I found in an article in Science Daily. I think it’s much more stylish.

Does she look like Jodie Foster? I wonder if Jodie Foster has Epilepsy...?

Does she look like Jodie Foster? I wonder if Jodie Foster has Epilepsy...?

I don’t live in the middle of Nowheresville so I’m going to “ass”ume we have some pretty decent technology here.  Hell, even the hospital I am going to has these gigantic letters on the main entrance facade screaming: NEUROSCIENCE CENTRE!!! It’s also known around the world for its work.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.  I strongly suspect they won’t find anything (like no brain in my cranium?) Still, it might be loads of fun for PA to totally geek out with some awesome and groovy Neuroscience Technology and/or whatnot.

You can be damn sure I’ll be blogging about it! You betcha!

I was told that I was the other night by a man I met in my neighbourhood.

*PA stared in silence*

After she gathered her wits it dawned on her that it was another…sort of…”straight-man-erm…”  And yes, the “gay card” was played.  Enough of this shit.  I already have J. to deal with and ironically this is another J.!

But he’s different! I like him! But not like that! If I was straight…well…? *PA laughs*

He’s so broken.  In more ways that one! But aren’t they the ones that are the most interesting? I’ve always thought so and been drawn to them.  Like meets like?

He nearly survived a car accident with a huge transport truck and all the while trying to get another driver involved out of their car–after he was trapped and managed to get himself out of his car.

He is very charming though.  I know.  I sound like I’m in love but apart from his rather overt compliments (PA doesn’t deal with compliments so well unless they may come from her partner or a dear friend?) there is just…something about him.

Telephone numbers in bars get tossed around like dirty napkins.  I’ve had more than my share! Why did I call him back? Again, there is just something about him.  And as long as he keeps the sex shit in check, I think we can be friends.

Fuck me, J. (the other J.) will or may be so jealous.  He’s already been jealous of someone else in my life.  And I already told him about this new J.!

You readers are going to get so confused.  I could number them? I don’t think that would help.

You know what though? Too bad.  Can I not have other friends?

We made such a “cute couple.” *PA laughs* Again, he was a gentleman.  I was not allowed to pay for anything when he found out I had no job, even right down to having my own cigarettes! He gave me his!

When we left, I don’t know who was more concerned of taking care of whom! It was snowy and slippery, he’s walking with his cane and his arm around me.  Was he physically supporting me or was I him? I did tell him about my bean and all…

Then we parted and we were both…”you call me…you call me okay, well, you give me a call okay, alright, I’ll give you a call…well, will you give me a call…yes, I will…well, okay…just…give me a call if you want…okay…sure…”

OMFG…mental central and we’re also standing in the middle of an intersection, giving each other hugs where cars are turning! BWAH-HAH-HAH!

And sorry if anyone out there has a thing for Brad Pitt.  The guy’s good looking.  He’s sort of in the Brad Pitt stage between “Thelma and Louise” and “Seven.”

Again, if I was straight…?

Since I’ve been screwing with my blog a fair bit today…hey? And Badalamenti’s been hanging around for a while now.

I’m remote so I’m multi-assing multi-tasking and really putting baby MacBook through its wee paces.  Plus, I don’t really have a strong connection.  Plus, I just tried to apply for a job and didn’t follow the application instructions properly! I was afraid that I was too drain bamaged to do this right now but at least I tried!

*PA gets a wee bit stompy footy*

Maybe I really DO need the “job disability place!”

W00t! FTP done! While I was responding to my last comments, I’m hooked up like a Borg (as per normal…) I was also working on a short story that I haven’t touched in a while…while waiting things to load.  S…L…O…W…L…Y

Okay, on with the show (hopefully?)

An extremely underrated actor–Stockard Channing.  This is my favourite song from “Grease,” the only one she did: “There Are Worse Things I Could Do.”

Yes, I know I do not type these correctly in title form but it’s just the way they show up in iTunes and I can’t be arsed to change them.

And: Embarrassing Secret.  Even though I was stupid and clueless about my sexuality for just about all my life, clueless all my life in general, people around me, how to relate to them…oblivious to the world.  I soooo had the hots for Olivia Newton John!

No, PA never stops humiliating herself on her blog.  Never.

My “remoteness” and slow connection can’t let me test the streaming of everything but it all looks good.  The QuickTime logo is visible so, okay? Will test when I get home.