It’s More Than “Hormonal” Mood Swings

Okay, this isn’t one of those posts where you scare the shit out of people and make these statements about how you’re going to… *people gasp*…and do this… *people hang heads and say, please, no*

Yes, just leave everybody guessing and worrying.  And then maybe you just “disappear” immediately after that? Granted, I can understand wanting to get yourself together but let everyone know you are still alive? At least as a courtesy? However, mentalists are mentalists.

There has been a lot of discussion in the loony bin blogosphere about how that is not necessarily “fair” to other bloggers when they care for you and know you.  In fact, I almost did a “disappearing act” for my last hospitalization (my sixth) two years ago this spring and boy, did that throw everyone into a tizzy!

Where did PA go?! She wasn’t well?! Now she’s gone?! When was the last time you talked to her?! OMG!!! She can’t be…NO!!!

Time for the seventh? No.  I’m not kidding.

I wrote the other day about “tipping points” and how I was perhaps reaching one and how I should monitor myself? Well? Guess what? Hello!!!

I had the good enough sense to call 911 last time.  Now?

I have SO much to do but if I’m starting to really, REALLY lose it…does it matter? I won’t be able to do it anyway.  It’s a non-starter.  Maybe I could go back to MAUI (not really Hawaii, you’ll have to go through my Hospitalizations Category where I blogged from my sixth stay…that’s what the unit was called.)

Damn.  I don’t know what to do.  I just know this feeling.

*PA steps outside for a cigarette with water to clear head?*

*PA crying so hard dammit*

Well, I don’t know if that helped.  Help? I always tell people to get help when they need it.  Verbatim: “You will thank yourself later.”  Do I need help?

I just know this feeling. It may sound strange to say that, you’ve been on a downward spiral to now now reach a/the slippery slope but maybe I’m…? Again, that tipping point that I mentioned.  Keeping track of myself.  Not some self-fulfilling prophecy but when you’ve been dealing with this for as many years as I have…


Alright.  Bipolar is very strange animal, an unpredictable beast so let’s just say that for this time around, I got and caught a flash of insight.  Just like I went voluntary, crazy out-of-my-mind, last time.

I am battling this so hard.  Go to sleeep, wake up and feel like shit but keep soldiering on? Go into hospital and well…  What? “Take a Break?” Okay. Probably no med tinkering unless my sleep is (or becomes) more fucked up.  Self-harm or Suicidal Ideation? It could be lessened from this point right now.  And if things don’t improve…it may just come back.

(But) I just know this feeling. When I got laid off, my GP and I (she knew I was “smart enough”) agreed that if it got bad, that bad, I would do a voluntary.

Fuck! I don’t know what to do.  I’m just so bloody tired!

Not to scare but if you don’t hear from me, I’m probably inpatient with no computer access.  No matter how suicidal I may be feeling…well, no…  A blogging break? No, doubtful.

Thanks if you managed to get through all of this.

CODA: I think it just helped to write this out.  Maybe.  I can’t say for sure whether I’ll go inpatient or not but at this very moment (after I proof and send, do some things…) I will just try and get some sleep.  I’ll see how that goes and makes me feel.  Thank you again, everyone.


  1. raginggenius

    I blog so regularly that I have people that know me personally that get worried about me if I don’t have something to say everyday. I was sick a few weeks ago and quiet. I know the self harm due to no sleep world. No sleep or crapy sleep is the worst kind of tourture, I think it is worse than water boarding. I do my best to remain calm. The are those terrible moments where I would like to just blast my self right out of this world.


  2. Hi raginggenius, good to see you. Yes, I have someone I know like that too. If you don’t see a post, you wonder if something is wrong. I do not know what people would think if I stopped blogging these days.

    It may depend upon several factors. Time (i.e. just taking a break) Circumstance (i.e. what is going on in my life) Contact (i.e. if anyone emails me personally and I do not respond.) That last one would probably be a real biggie!

    Back then though…I’ve got the comments to prove it! Everyone was so relieved when I told them I had finally landed in hospital and was “safe.” I was flippin’ my shit pretty hard like the post above but actually worse, if memory serves. I mean, I could almost hear “sighs” exhaled over the Internet.

    I don’t mean to sound boastful to anyone who is reading this. These were just some caring and loving folks who had become my friends and also some regular readers who had also…I don’t know, maybe become somehow attached to me or either my writing? For those ones, I do not have an answer but they were concerned too. I guess they cared as well…obviously?

    No sleep is torture and you made me kind or laugh at your water boarding analogy, however, that is not very funny either! I’m sure all of the insomniacs can pick their “favourite” comparative torture, though? A fun parlour game?

    I have my own favourite haemorragic fever! Why, it’s Ebola of course! I think I might pick Dengue as my second as it’s also colloquially named “Breakbone Fever…”…’cause it hurts so much.

    I know, I’m twisted (actually, that’s kind of funny as with Dengue, your joints hurt so much you can actually go into contortions.) I guess better put: I have a “twisted” sense of humour.

    Anyway, as for “calm” or trying to remain so–no point in that last night (or wee in the early morning) when I wrote the above post. I am going to explain why today. Or at least why I suspect why.

    However, I do strongly agree with you about the moments when you want to blast yourself completely so far out of this world and that’s that! I do know that feeling, too.


  3. Arkay

    (((((PA))))) Here if you need, cause i too know that feeling.


  4. Hi Arkay, good to see you too. Thank you so much for the hugs and offer to be there. Surely needed? And well, not so grand that you “know that feeling as well” but in a way, there is a “twist” to all of this…again, I will try to explain it in my next post.

    It’s what I pretty much believe happened as am coming around a little bit now today? Slowly? Let’s just say it hasn’t been my full 24-48hrs and even that may not always be a hard and fast rule or timeline. It doesn’t have to be carved in stone.

    As I have made a bit of a comparison before, the tornado came blowing in and now it’s time to sort of look around and survey the damage.


  5. Arkay

    I just know there is a trailer park comment in here somewhere (tornado’s, damage surveillance etc.) but be damned if i can come up with it. :P It’d be just my luck if it’s supposed to be more of a Dorothy/Toto sort of thing ;)

    off to read your follow-up (next post)…


  6. Hi Arkay, well, we could go with the movie comparison of “Twister” with Helen Hunt and Paxton…is it Bill? I think that’s it and my wee Wifi is maybee still good enuf. Lemme chek.

    Why the hell am I writing like that. PAs brain=mush. *laughing*

    As far as “Dorothy,” that’s an entire “gay thing/analogy.” Which I never quite got. Judy Garland? I think it’s because I’m not a fag (and I don’t mean a cigarette.) *PA rolls eyes* Plus, we all know the Wizard was just a fake and gays aren’t fake.

    Yes, pay homage to Judy…

    Okay, Wifi fukd. Bil Paxtun. HA!


  7. Arkay

    :O The Dorothy=Gay thing is a new one for me… not how I meant it :P

    Jes… youse wuz correct on the bill Paxton; and for the record, the whole twister movie was so rife with on screen edit f-ups that it was more fake than the wizard d’Oz! And I so hate (fear?) the flying monkeys (and what it musta took to corrupt them), that all my movie ref’s from the Wizard of Oz are thus weak.

    yes, too many words have been ‘reassigned’ (or now derogatory) in ref to those who lead alternate lifestyles that such otherwise useful words as Gay (= joyfully happy) and Faggot(s) (= a bundle of sticks) etc. are no longer available for common speech usage.

    *sigh* and now i’m jealous of your Wifi ;)

    take care mushbrain =)


  8. Hi
    I had to rate 10 blogs to receive the lemonade award your one of my 10:)
    Pass by to collect


  9. Hi Arkay, that’s funny–first sentence–you’re now gay? HA!

    Well, “Twister” would be kind of…well, difficult to (re)create something like that? I also found the ending kind of unrealistic as all the while everything’s been getting blown to hell and they end up hanging on to some damn pole with a strip of leather or something.

    OMG. I’m going to beat you to it with that one. With what I just wrote above…I can’t believe I just wrote that. Oh, shit. That is probably (no, definitely) my absolute best, all time ever, unintentional piece of graphic, sexual, imagery writing EVER!!!

    I swear, it was completely unintentional as I was trying to visualize the scene from “Twister.”

    Language. It’s a funny thing how, yes, words can take on different meanings. Almost how something more tangible or practical then moves on to become a colloquialism.

    That really is the nature of language, however. It is ever evolving and changing to match our needs. Whether it is a “reassignment” as you say or the creation of a brand new word altogether. Think of web log and then it’s latter portmanteau or contraction of blog. We never would have had those without the “evolution” of the Internet.

    Yes, our crazy “floaty Wifi.” Macs seem to pick it up better than PCs though. Leopard automagically “scours the air” for them. It may depend upon your PC, it’s OS etc… as I’ve argued with some die hard PC-ists and they say it’s not a problem for them. *shrug* Sometimes, I still can get signals where I am but they are very weak. Sometimes nothing at all. Sometimes, just as fast as at home!

    Hi clairelouise82, as per the comment I just left on your blog, thank you very much! Now I have six award badges to put up!!! I keep telling everyone, “I’ll get there, I’ll do it…” People are going to say back: “PA, you’re so full of shit.”

    I’ve also said I’d post other things and I haven’t gotten around to it or abandoned things in progress altogether! Ugh.

    However…It will get posted on my sidebar along with the rest. Really!

    Thanks, again.


  10. raginggenius

    Ok, I must say that there are some gays that are fake. I lived with a gay man for a year and a half. Many many of his friends stopped by over that period of time and I interviewed as many as possible, in the 100’s. I even asked to see genitals and there were no questions off limits and none that I didn’t have the backbone to ask. I also have a gift of discernment which allows me to see truth easily. I wanted to understand as much as I could. The majority of the men that stopped by were married and straight, which was not cool for me to grasp and the thought of that is just sad actually. Then there were the real gays, and I do believe that they were born that way (most Christians live in fantasy land on that issue, I do not) And then there were just plain perverts that liked banging other men and had self esteem issues and felt more accepted by other gay men so they started acting gay. I tooks notes on this shit!


  11. Hi raginggenius, oh I hear you! I think I just phrased it incorrectly. I guess what I was trying to do was link the “gay” connection with The Wizard as being a big fake with “people” not being fake. Like, they are live, human beings. Not so much that people who sleep with others of the same sex or gender are “gay.”

    So, no, I wasn’t trying to say that anyone who does is automatically considered gay. Damn, I can’t stand all of these labels anyway!

    That’s very interesting to hear all of the different reasons why your friend (or roommate?) had so many visitors and why? I have heard these types of stories too. The so-called straight, the marrieds, most interesting is that they felt more accepted by gay men due to self esteem?

    Different in the world of gay women? Yes, I believe so however I can not speak for everyone. Plus, I don’t exactly have the best track record for relationships. However, what you are talking about is more sort of about getting laid. Although, there are probably women out there that just want a quick fuck with another woman and not a relationship. Sure.

    I’ve been sort of the “victim” of experimentation and curiosity before. It’s been odd. I had been friends with these women and they explicitly wanted to sleep with me because they knew me and trusted me but they were straight? No indication of being bisexual. However, stupid PA fell in love with them and ugh. What a mess! I fall in love at the drop of a hat!

    After that, I pretty much vowed never to be a sexual “lab rat” ever again. However, after the pain went away, I realized you can not judge everyone the same. But to this day, I still haven’t been a “lab rat.” None of that has come up again.


  12. raginggenius

    Yeah, I get what you mean. The lesbian world is something I do not know much about. But I do know that the majority of the world does not get repulsed as easily by the thought of 2 chicks getting it one. Back in the day I certainly had that kind of curiosity and wondered what it would be like to have chick and I had none of those “gay?” feelings about it. I never did try it and I would have to say that if I did I probably wouldn’t have considered how the other person felt as I believe I would have been too consumed with my own feelings about what what going on. So I can see how you would have been used by straight women. Sorry were so curious. It’s weird because straight men do not get that curiosity bug, either that or they would never admit to it. I don’t know which is true. Labels, yes, they suck. Staight women can’t get along with each other so I guess I can say that I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with another woman, too damn complicated.


  13. Hi raginggenius, first off, I have to say funny you just wrote about being in a relationship with a woman being too damn complicated. I’m not sure if I have it in me to write the post now (fuck or even later?) as I’m too depressed and exhausted.

    Yes, I guess they can be but I think all/any romantic relationships can be complicated. Again, I have not had much success (nil?) in that department so perhaps not the best person to advise. However, romantically women are who I fall in love with so that is that for me. I love men, I really do but as friends. I have had relationships with them before and…well, they have been complicated too!

    Interesting about you being curious earlier and then being so focused on your own feelings. I had never thought of that before because these other women were my friends. I would have thought that would count. And count a lot. Friendships are very important for me.

    However, I will admit that I have problems maintaining friendships with women. I don’t understand them the majority of the time. Men sometimes seem to be more on an even keel and more predictable. Not that I’m making generalizations. This is just what I have experienced.

    It is difficult to try and understand the bias of two women together vs. two men together. There’s the basic societal construct of how men and women are raised and gender roles are ascribed and all of that. Also how women are perceived within society in general.

    There’s also the notion of “what is sex?” In other words, if there is no penis or intercourse with it…it’s not sex? That’s a very heterosexual model. You can translate that over to any gay male penetration (but that isn’t always the case with gay male sex.) Then it all falls apart in some peoples’ heads when it comes to women because of course…women don’t have penises! So, of course they’re not having sex!!!

    Also, women throughout history (and this is why there is so little account of their sexual activity) have always been subjugated. Therefore, less worthy and less threatening. Therefore…no big deal to entertain the notion of two women “having sex?”

    Just some ideas to toss out there.

    Fucking tired and that phone call I just got…I cried. I guess I’ll post about it. Gotta tell someone, even if it’s the damn blogosphere?


  14. raginggenius

    I don’t get along with other women either. Men don’t wear the vailes that women do. I don’t feel bad about it ether. I just hang with the guys and enjoy the good conversation. If I want to get bitchy about something, I will call a chick. I do have one friend in particular that I am quite fond of, she is an honest person and we have an honest relationship with each other and it can be challanging at times but it is worth is because we grow from the experience.


  15. Hi raginggenius, I wouldn’t say that I “totally” don’t get along with women…just that it’s been a problem. Hell, I’ve never been great with friendships anyway…always picked on, again, bad at social cues so that makes you totally vulnerable! So many other reasons, too.

    I like the sound of your relationship with that one friend. I am always honest. And sure, sometimes the truth hurts but I feel that lies hurt more. Absolutely!

    And that’s just the point…I think? I’m trying to extrapolate from your last sentence? That is how you grow because sure, honesty can be challenging but it’s better than the alternative?

    Am I right?


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