*PA shakes head*

*PA sighs*

Well, at least I’ve got past history and experience to deal with this one.

J. and spoke at great, great length over the telephone tonight.  First, we had a massive fight earlier and that needed to be taken care of.  J. can be very hot tempered due to severe family trauma.  I can understand.  I too suffered severe family trauma but of a different kind.

As we were talking…well, out it came.  I must give him credit and great respect for admitting it and telling me (I’ll say why in a bit.)

He told me he was in love with me.  Not that he loved me, no no.  In love with me. Yes, I think you get it.  He said he’d marry me in a heartbeat.  Crap, I think he’d jump in front of a train for me, take the bullet, anything.  But that is what you do when you are in love with someone.

I knew of course.  From Day One.  Pretty good for someone who is quite obtuse at times with picking up social cues! I never said a thing.  That is not something you mention as an object of affection to the person who can never have you.  This is very difficult, even more difficult, if that person is your friend!

So, I said I had past history to help me deal.  However, I had to quickly reach for a tissue and try to hide a couple of tears that fell as he told me.  This is and would not be an easy thing for J. to let out.  I quickly tried to get into “Spock Mode” and travel “back in time” to the others.  Not that PA is “the cat’s pyjamas” but he is number four? At least that I know of (again going back to not recognizing social cues very well.)

J. and Mac Guru were “easy.”  They told me.  Another (ersatz…actually, probably gone by now) friend? I think that was a social cue one but maybe he told me? He was reticent for sure.  I do remember that.  Escher.  With Escher, I had social cues raining down from the sky!

The reason I say it deserves respect for someone to tell you, is that they can either slip into denial (Escher when I called him on it) or just let it sit and fester by not saying a word.  No matter which way, you’re in for a huge explosion eventually! By admitting it, you can talk about it, try and deal with the situation and attempt to keep the friendship in tact.

J. asked me flat out what to do.  He didn’t know.  I’m trying to even remember what I told him right now as I’m so tired and depressed.  Lordy, we make a fine enough couple as it is! Two lovely, sad sacks of Depression these days!

Enter Spock stage left.

Spock told him that humans can neither escape, nor change their emotions.  Therefore, they need to be accepted and basically embraced.  In so doing, you can hopefully become comfortable with them after some time and at that time, with this particular emotion, you may be able to reach another level of understanding.

Also what is required is communication with the other human involved.  Together, if the communication is completely open and honest, the friendship has the maximum potential to survive.

Exit Spock stage right.

PA knows this is true, again, from past experience.  She is still friends with Mac Guru where he was open and Escher and the other man are pretty much gone–where they were not open.

PA too knows the feeling of being in love with someone she can not have (i.e. straight women.)  It’s a bitch and it hurts.  However, you can not change what you feel.  As above, the same rules have applied to her.

I’m exhausted so I guess that’s it.  I don’t think there’s really much more to say anyway.  Except…a song to stream?

I give you Halleujah by Jeff Buckly on MP3 of the Moment.  I think this is a pretty good one for J.

EDIT: Having server issues with MP3 of the Moment.  Will check into…

EDIT: MP3 of the Moment is now back up and running.  Thanks for your patience if you were trying to have a listen.  Bitchy post to follow.


  1. raginggenius

    UUHT, OHH! This kind of situation can bring on some stress. I had many man friends fall in love with me when all I wanted was a friendship. It’s hard because you know the feelings that are involved in love run deep and you don’t want to hurt a friend that is in deep. Good luck.


  2. Hi raginggenius. Thanks. I know…it is so hard. J. is pretty good though. He actually does care so much that he respects my boundaries.

    That is, if he emails me or calls me and if I don’t get back to him immediately, he’s not calling back or whatever, every hour or something. He knows the score with me as I am not exactly “sitting pretty” in my life as well.

    We can only see how things go but the most important thing I think to consider (and remember) is, do you want to lose someone completely or…?

    Sometimes the emotions or feelings just run too deep and they can’t be dealt with. That is understandable too. However, if you can reach some sort of middle ground (or anywhere in between ground) I think it’s worth it.

    I don’t believe in destroying relationships with people.

    People have destroyed them with me but I have had no hand in it. I have said to them and probably somewhere even here: “I don’t burn bridges.” I don’t.

    No matter what happens, if someone comes back to me, they are most welcome back into my life.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: