Archive for February 14th, 2009

I flipped out on someone tonight who did not deserve it.  Then, I flipped out on myself (who did deserve it.)  People have always said I am too hard on myself and if they or someone else did the same, would I judge so harshly? I wouldn’t.  I guess I have a double standard for myself.

I want to put the head injury business aside for a moment.  That could definitely be a factor.  However, as I am now trying to get a grip, have taken my meds and am waiting for them to kick in (and hope I can get some proper sleep) I have to get this out or I fear I may sink into, plummet further down…I still may but this could help?

*PA ponders current sadness but tries to push it away and thinks of new day tomorrow and prays for forgiveness*

Anyone who may perceive me as needy could be the result of not understanding the intricacies of the overlap of one symptom of two things that make my head a bloomin’ mess: Bipolar and ADD.  That symptom would be Impulsivity.  It has gotten me into trouble more times than I can either count or remember.

Now, without that understanding and how it plays out (or can play out) a person can look like a real fool.  A huge, goddamn asshole.  And yes, quite needy too.  I must admit it.  I think I now truly understand it.  I have probably been perceived as needy and this is why? Perhaps?

I have always questioned this.  My impulsivity and my uncontrollable…virtually, impossible means to “hold back!” And as said above, if you have no understanding of it, it pisses people off! Christ, after the damage is done it, well, it doesn’t piss me off so much but it hurts me.  Okay then, alright, it initially hurts me but then pisses me off and I direct it inward and take the pain on myself in that way.  I become self-destructive.

Sometimes I’m aware, semi-aware that I’m being impulsive.  Sometimes I have no clue.  You can toss in the misunderstanding or lack of understanding of social cues as well.  If you haven’t read or can’t recall, there is a significant comorbidity rate of AD(H)D and Asperger’s.  And I’ve always had issues with social cues and interactions at some points! All my life!


I know, know, know other mental cases have this/these problem/s too.  It’s not just me.  For me though, it’s not simply being arsey.  For me, it’s a cry for help.  At least that I do know.  Or have come to know.

Lord almighty, the (second) last person when it happened, they still aren’t talking to me! I don’t know if that person is just busy but I’m just not going there! And yet, the person tonight…again, I couldn’t hold back…again.

It wasn’t malicious, though.  I did admit I was being selfish, too but it didn’t make it any more right.  And I am feeling so, so evil.  That person has been nothing but the best thing on the planet to me and what do I do? Jump all over them, shit on them just because…I can’t hold back?

To others, they might say…oh, just hang loose…relax…

Not with the combined Impulsivity factor of Bipolar and AD(H)D.  And some possible “Not-Being-Able-To-Communicate-Well-Asperger’s-Tendencies.”  Hell, Aspies can go either way: Non-Verbal or Hyper-Verbose.  PA would take on the latter trait.

I don’t know if you’re even reading my blog but if you are, I’m sorry again.  You didn’t deserve that.

NOTE: This was something I started almost a year ago as a “Saturday Series.”  I found an old travel diary and it was like a bizarre “time warp” going back to when I was 28 years old! I will be 39 in about three weeks.  I had to read it over and over just to try and recollect.  There are still so many blanks.

So, without further adieu…let’s try and get this (re-)started for Saturdays? Also, this one may be pretty long as I made three entries at different times on this date.  However, there is a bit of sexed up writing in this post…up to you if you want to continue…?

All links to prior entries can be accessed at the end of this post.

Day Four 98/03/19 0840hrs

E. called to cancel last night.  Apparently he had a meeting that he had forgotten about.  We have rescheduled for tonight.

I am really sore.  Between the pull out couch and the frantic boat ride of yesterday, I’m not exactly in the best of shape.  I’m a little bit burnt too…much less sun today.

The rainy weather has increased.  It fell for another brief time yesterday afternoon but the real adventure was this morning about about 0600hrs.  There was a rather heavy storm, the wind was so fierce.  I woke up and looked around for a few minutes but I was very tired and fell back asleep relatively quickly.

When I am waking, waves of sexual arousal rise and crash against me like the tides a few moments away.  This is probably due to the sensual nature of my environment.¹ I have visions of rolling over and facing my lover in the midst of this paradise as we lay in bed and slowly begin to make love.  Truly, my fantasies have been running rather rampant in this playground.

As I ate a Papaya derivative and the sweet, luscious texture filled my mouth I thought of (Edit: Name deleted) keeping me in bondage, feeding me the treasure.  There have been other thoughts too but now I must go…more fantasy play later.²

Day Four 98/03/19 1215hrs

I just returned from a morning trip to Nelson’s Dockyard.  I left at 0900hrs and felt a little like exploring so I walked up the main highway in the direction of St. John’s for about 45 minutes.  Along the way, I took some shots.  Hopefully they will turn out.

I wanted to go back and find the church with the little cemetery we drove past but I couldn’t remember how far away it was.  I just kept walking in hope that it would appear.  Finally, it did.

I wandered around some of the graves.  Many white wooden crosses with black paint to mark the names, dates and remarks of passage.  Some were entombed in large stone crypts, some were mounds of dirt decorated with simple to complex native flower arrangements, some has wrought iron fencing protecting the burial ground and some were just large piles of stones.

I tried to again access the church but the doors were locked.  Alas! Denounced by heaven yet again.  I’m not even sure what religion or denomination it was.  Q. said on the drive in from the airport that the main religion practised here is Anglican.  Perhaps that is what it was.  I did not see any blatantly Catholic Iconography so I’m sure the church was Protestant.

I wanted to stay there longer but felt oddly intrusive and like a true foreigner.  I took a few pictures and then stole away into the sun.

I walked back to Nelson’s and spent some time there.  All along my travels today I met more men.³ Sometimes they just look at you and smile and maybe say, “Hey Baby…”  Other times they are a lot more polite.  In many cases they are more than willing to pose for a photograph and even ask/demand that you do it! (Edit: Not for payment, though!) Too funny.

During my travels, I also passed a school.  I didn’t dare go inside but stood and listened to all the little voices in perfect tune from the side of the street.  Absolutely marvelous.

I took a little more time to wander around the Dockyard.  It was good to learn about what some of the history entailed.  I took many more photos but the place was very busy.  Apparently a cruise ship had docked and many tourists arrived just as I returned from my walk.

Actually, I think I will stop here and continue with the remainder of the day for the next installment.  This is getting pretty long.  Please see below for notes.

¹ – Uh…yeah.  It may have a little bit do do with the environment because it was great there but I was (hypo)manic and untreated(?) so I was cycling all over the damn place! That is not to say that PA needs to be cycling all over the place and be un/improperly treated to have a sex drive and want to have sex or make love to someone.  Heh.

² – I’m sorry.  I didn’t write about any more sexual fantasies–although I’m sure there were lots more!

³ Now, the “men thing.”  This will probably sound like a bit of a recurring theme.  From what I remember and from where I was in my life, as above: (hypo)manic that would imply some (perhaps) grandiosity, there were blatant overtures made and I was the only young female amidst a whack of young (and even older?) men! Also, at times it made me feel odd and confused.  Socially retarded yet coupled with Bipolar Grandiosity? Yes, welcome to an interesting form of mentalness! However, welcome to my brain!!!

The Antigua Diaries – Part One

The Antigua Diaries – Part Two

The Antigua Diaries – Part Three

The Antigua Diaries – Part Four

That last post was a bit something? At least toward the end–or at the end? PA sure got a bit excited! Dare she say…mad? Angry?

I think under the circumstances there is at least one ounce or iota allowed for anger here.  And fear? Hence the Post Traumatic Stress dx? Some have agreed with me and I don’t think anyone else would disagree!

Fuck it.  I’m not even going to pussyfoot around this place anymore.  At least as far as the title: Assault is Assault.

No one is going to beat either myself or my blog down.

I may come back and blog (about something else…) later but Grocery Man is picking me up soon and I gotta scoot.