I flipped out on someone tonight who did not deserve it.  Then, I flipped out on myself (who did deserve it.)  People have always said I am too hard on myself and if they or someone else did the same, would I judge so harshly? I wouldn’t.  I guess I have a double standard for myself.

I want to put the head injury business aside for a moment.  That could definitely be a factor.  However, as I am now trying to get a grip, have taken my meds and am waiting for them to kick in (and hope I can get some proper sleep) I have to get this out or I fear I may sink into, plummet further down…I still may but this could help?

*PA ponders current sadness but tries to push it away and thinks of new day tomorrow and prays for forgiveness*

Anyone who may perceive me as needy could be the result of not understanding the intricacies of the overlap of one symptom of two things that make my head a bloomin’ mess: Bipolar and ADD.  That symptom would be Impulsivity.  It has gotten me into trouble more times than I can either count or remember.

Now, without that understanding and how it plays out (or can play out) a person can look like a real fool.  A huge, goddamn asshole.  And yes, quite needy too.  I must admit it.  I think I now truly understand it.  I have probably been perceived as needy and this is why? Perhaps?

I have always questioned this.  My impulsivity and my uncontrollable…virtually, impossible means to “hold back!” And as said above, if you have no understanding of it, it pisses people off! Christ, after the damage is done it, well, it doesn’t piss me off so much but it hurts me.  Okay then, alright, it initially hurts me but then pisses me off and I direct it inward and take the pain on myself in that way.  I become self-destructive.

Sometimes I’m aware, semi-aware that I’m being impulsive.  Sometimes I have no clue.  You can toss in the misunderstanding or lack of understanding of social cues as well.  If you haven’t read or can’t recall, there is a significant comorbidity rate of AD(H)D and Asperger’s.  And I’ve always had issues with social cues and interactions at some points! All my life!

*sigh*

I know, know, know other mental cases have this/these problem/s too.  It’s not just me.  For me though, it’s not simply being arsey.  For me, it’s a cry for help.  At least that I do know.  Or have come to know.

Lord almighty, the (second) last person when it happened, they still aren’t talking to me! I don’t know if that person is just busy but I’m just not going there! And yet, the person tonight…again, I couldn’t hold back…again.

It wasn’t malicious, though.  I did admit I was being selfish, too but it didn’t make it any more right.  And I am feeling so, so evil.  That person has been nothing but the best thing on the planet to me and what do I do? Jump all over them, shit on them just because…I can’t hold back?

To others, they might say…oh, just hang loose…relax…

Not with the combined Impulsivity factor of Bipolar and AD(H)D.  And some possible “Not-Being-Able-To-Communicate-Well-Asperger’s-Tendencies.”  Hell, Aspies can go either way: Non-Verbal or Hyper-Verbose.  PA would take on the latter trait.

I don’t know if you’re even reading my blog but if you are, I’m sorry again.  You didn’t deserve that.

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  1. Hmm, a good bit of that sounds a lot like me — impulsive and bad at social cues, and fairly often left wondering what to do about a relationship that is apparently off — or maybe I’m just paranoid about it.

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  2. Hi Marcy, welcome to my blog as I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.

    Wow. I think you have totally invaded my brain. I’m glad you can understand and grasp what I have written here.

    I was thinking a lot about it when I got up earlier and…god, I just don’t feel like facing anyone right now. I feel like utter shite.

    My friend J. wants to have dinner tonight and all I can think about is barfing all over the place because I am
    sub-sub-sub-human (or less.)

    When thinking about what I wrote, it was like…holy…did I just figure something out? Something kind of big? And something that really doesn’t make me feel very good about myself??? *tears*

    I thought I had it beaten this time but I guess not. Or at least this time around? There are many battles to fight before winning a war?

    I guess I just have to keep trying to keep things like this in check as best I can apart from the Neurochemistry. Now that I have no control over.

    Take care,
    PA

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