Despite going in yesterday with “concusso-face” and “concusso-head,” I was determined not to let him get away with any crap! Oh, and if you don’t know what “concusso-face” looks like, your eyes are rather dazed, possibly unfocused and your expression is as flat as the pavement.

Now.  Where should I start?

We had our typical “pre-engagement circle” around the battlefield which consists of Dr. PA telling Dr. Neuro that they have a lot of ground to cover.  This is because he books his follow ups at least a half a year away (I am not exaggerating) plus, we really did.  With all of my increase in seizures, new ones, my concussion…

He began his typical “advance” with his positively absurd number of patients waiting to see him (there were two after me in the waiting room.)  Dr. PA knows this so well that she was already in position to strike!

Let the games begin!

He could not understand why this was happening (no shit.)  He asked me if I thought they were “real.”  When I heard this I just about lunged forward immediately and slit his carotid right there!


I beg your pardon but the correct medical terminology would be Psychogenic Seizures!!! And they are VERY REAL. I responded to him that, no, I did not think that they were and referenced the studies done where they have found that…with 95th percentile numbers and even plus a titch, those who have Epileptic Seizures have their eyes open.  With Psychogenic Seizures, their eyes are closed.

So take that, as Dr. PA slashes Dr. Neuro across his upper arm.

However, I neglected to quote the varying statistics regarding people with Epilepsy who actually do experience Psychogenic Seizures.  You see, that’s a real “trick of the mind,” so to speak.  And I wasn’t going to give him more ammunition! We were in BATTLE!

Dr. Neuro mentioned that my EEGs have all been without any abnormality and Dr. PA deftly and with great ease misses his attempt to harm her.  She then counters for the nth time that EEGs are notoriously unreliable as it is notoriously unreliable to actually “catch” a seizure when it’s happening.

Dr. PA stabs Dr. Arsey Neuro straight into his thigh.

Dr. Neuro then states he is referring me to his “friend and colleague” at an Epilepsy Clinic at a hospital here (a world renowned hospital for Neuroscience, actually.)  We step apart, swords at our side and Dr. PA ponders that she now has an official dx of Epilepsy? Not “Seizure Disorder?” She was never given a dx of anything by Dr. Arsey Neuro!

Dr. Neuro finishes up by saying he can do nothing more for me…  Dr. (nin-JAH) PA delivers a swift kick to his head not caring (yet knowing) he has more mental problems than she does, even though he mentioned all of HER psych issues as a problem.  Dr. Neuro drops to his knees in unbelievable pain and Dr. PA revels in the fact that this is the best news that she has ever heard in any appt. with him: “…he can do no more for me…”

As Dr. PA was leaving, Dr. Arsey Neuro said one last thing regarding her seizures: “I’m not saying you’re putting them on.”  Dr. PA gives him one last thrust with her sword, right into his stomach and walks out of his office.


  1. Arkay

    And Dr. Neuro’s down for the count!!! That whole did you think it was ‘real’ got me so pissed off as on my end as it parallels almost exactly the frustration i hit today in going to ask for help again… they still haven’t taken me seriously yet as to how bad i am and how much help i really need – i just want to scream and hurt something badly, maybe that will convince them? just WTF do they want? Proof in the form of criminal acts, unrequited violence, little happy seizure dances on their carpet, complete with drool, WHAT? Sorry, seem i’m going off for both of us right now. I stop now afore i vent forever and a day.

    (((((PA)))))) hope you have a decent sleep tonight.


  2. Good for you for fighting back! This could be a really good thing that you’re getting referred to someone else? Hopefully they will be able to help and shed some insight into the matter – and will be much better than Dr. Arsey Neuro!
    I think I would have lost my cool with that doctor, would have ended up either crying or yelling – usually for me there’s a fine line between the two.
    Are you doing better today? How’s your head?
    Oh and I have another appt with my psychiatrist coming up, think I might actually time it and see how long it takes between entering the room and being walked out of it! x


  3. Hi Arkay, thanks. This post was a lot of fun to write, actually. Sorry that part about things being “real” struck a nerve with you. However, I know we’ve talked offline about that in the seizure realm before. It did piss me off though as you could probably tell? *laughing*

    I didn’t know you were going through your own struggles re: psych stuff in “that realm” too. Shit. That’s a bugger.

    You made me laugh about “happy seizure dances on their carpet with drool!” You’re getting to know some of my seizure signs quite well!

    I hear you on the “proof” thing. I have talked to so many other bloggers about how they are in the same boat and just what does it take? I mean, it makes my blood boil. I’ve told them in the ER/A&E to make such a bloody fuss and then say if they don’t admit them, they’re going to go top themselves right outside the door and it will the THEY’RE fault.

    I’m not serious, however, but again…really!

    And never to worry about venting. Lord knows I do it enough myself so commenters can have free reign if they want to as well!

    Sleep? Not bad but still kind of the same.

    Hi Hannah, you’re a doll for coming back to this one after it took me a while to write it. Keeping track of me?

    My head? It seems to have cleared somewhat–well, better than yesterday as I completely sunk into the pit of Depression Hell. I may still be climbing out of it.

    I agree with you as I said in my last post to katm that hopefully this won’t result in “Dr. Arsey Neuro Part II.” Maybe he will listen to me like the rest of my medical team does! I don’t know if he’ll be able to do anything or find anything…

    I have a bit of a maybe silly post I want to write re: my “Clinic Visit!” Pictures and everything! First I want to sort out my template business! WP is not helping me!!! And I have other posts I want to write! And should I CHANGE templates to make things work? I am so mad!!!

    Sorry, ADD Tangent Land/All Over…I haven’t taken my Biphentin in two days now. Still saving them for days when I really need them… *sigh*

    I’ve had my fair share of practice dealing with arsey docs. Remember (if you haven’t read any of my posts about him) I spent several years with “Doctor Asshole” and it took me a long time to finally “lose it” and find another GP.

    I love your last line. Sounds like you may be at a “breaking point,” as well? I hope everything goes okay.



  4. Glad your head is doing a bit better lol and keep on climbing out of there, it’s not a nice place to be! Well at least it’s a new doctor, hopefully he’ll have some new insights and hopefully he won’t just refer you on to someone else – I’ve been passed round the majority of the mental health teams and various areas and it just prolongs things as I’m sure you know.
    I’m always wanting to change things round on my blog but I never get round to it and I never how to, plus I wish my blog was on wordpress, seems better than blogger. I guess if you feel like changing stuff you could try something out and see if you like it.
    And take your tablets! Don’t go off your meds, it’s probably not a good idea methinks.
    Thanks, I’m just getting fed up with no-one really helping, really worried that what’s been going on for so long will just continue indefinitely. I think things just keep getting worse rather than better you know.


  5. Hi Hannah. Indeed, Depression Land sucks big bags of rocks. I’m finding it so hard to figure out just how I am “progressing.” I mentioned somewhere way the hell up there that I applied for a job and kind of screwed up. I went on a bit of a posting spree last night. I don’t know if I really like it when I do that because I think the posts are pretty useless. Not to mention, it’s indicative of my mental state? Ugh.

    The new doc shouldn’t pass me around as it’s a special Epilepsy Clinic within a major hospital that is basically the best for Neuroscience in the city and also has a world wide reputation. So, it’s pretty heavy duty? Maybe? Again, I have no clue what they’ll do to or for me… Perhaps that silly post today? Man, I’m posting like a demon!

    Yes, I know the “bounciness” of the medical system. It is such a pain. Trying to get someone to work with…it is so frustrating.

    As far as your blog goes, a couple of things. WP is fab at importing blogs from other hosts. All it takes is one click. No seriously. I used to have mine on Blogger (actually, it’s still there as I’m scared someone will “steal” PA on blogger!) I know, I’m silly! My last post is a re-direct saying I’m here. That was ages ago, though.

    So you could just go to and pick a template you like and “click” where the Import section is. Well, you have to claim the blog and all of that. It’s really simple though.

    The only “problem” with the blogs is they don’t like javascript in their widgets. That’s basically anything that moves or does funky stuff.

    *PA runs off to check Hannah’s blog*

    Okay, you’ve got some .jpgs so they should be fine. You basically just put them in Text Widgets. However, a WP blog may not like your flagcounter as there is javascript in it (holy shit, I never thought I’d ever use my firebug add-on again!)

    firebug is something you can download for Firefox to look at code for stuff. I used it for a dumbass Introduction to Web Design course I took. Where I learned not much–because it blew my tiny mind. I also have some FF toolbar add-on crap.

    So, you may have to lose that but if you’re not terribly attached to it…?

    I do think WP is better (except for that java, crap!) If you need any help with Blogger stuff, I could help you. Again, I still have my PA blog there–and I think I can still remember my password! *laughing*

    As far as my meds, stims are the only meds that you can safely take a “drug holiday” with. So, that’s my Biphentin. I agree with you–don’t do it with any other psych meds!

    Stims are amphetamines so it’s different. You just might feel not so sharp in the AD(H)D department (at least for me.) Some people notice they start to get a little too hyper so they’ll back off. Maybe for some they are already too hyper so they shouldn’t go off? Either way, it’s okay to do it. However, I am noticing a difference in that I do feel dopey (more?) when I don’t take them…

    Sorry to hear that you are concerned about things just getting worse. That is so hard. I know that feeling. Or feelings? Dejected, scared… Hang in there, though, okay? We’ve all got to make it.


  6. The Epilepsy clinic sounds good then, seems like they’ll do their best to get you sorted and get you the treatment you need.

    Oh I might switch to wordpress then, not very attached to my flag counter really! I was thinking about getting rid of it to be honest so yeah I’ll definitely think about it. And thanks, I never have any clue about this kind of thing.

    I have no intention of taking a ‘drug holiday’ anytime soon, last time I did, it resulted in suicidal moods, hallucinations and constantly severe depression so not such a good idea methinks.

    Have you talked to your doctor about any effects you might get from coming off them?
    Yes you sum up the feelings well, it just feels like it’s always the same, nothing ever really changes unless it gets worse but it never gets better, no matter how much I lie to my friends, my doctors and to myself. But you’re right, we all need to keep going, hang in there.


  7. Hi Hannah, yes, we’ll see about the EC. *PA shrugs*

    Funny you should mention WP. I’ve been totally screwing with it for the last few hours! That and stupid Gimp as I don’t have PhotoShop. I’m not all that hot with computers anyway and…*sighs*

    So what I am doing is playing around with another template and believe me! It’s completely different from this one but I really did like it when Arkay suggested I try it out. I went with this one instead.

    So maybe I’ll just go all crazy and do a complete change on everyone again. Then after that I can go back to Garland which is what I started with? I’m silly.

    I hear you about stopping your meds and that. I’ve heard of other folks just like you and even worse, when they do stop sometimes with certain ones, they may not work as well if they go back on them etc… Those may be for long stoppages but everyone is different, depends upon the med and all of that.

    I’m okay (sorta…) if you read today’s post re: my Biphentin. I got and am a bit wingy! Indeed, back on it. I’ll never give up my stims or any of my meds…I’d go completely off my…well, I don’t even know what to say! I’ve got too much shit wrong with me! *laughing*

    Yes, indeed…onward we must go…you hang in there too.


  8. Sure just keep changing things around until you find a template and a setup you like. I mean to do that with my blog but I don’t have the energy really, it’s enough to post and comment at the moment.
    You do have a lot going on it always seems, don’t know how you manage it all!
    So we’re all hanging in there ok!


  9. Hi Hannah, well it’s kind of fun and frustrating at the same time but I’m also being a very bad girl as I should be applying for jobs right now! And other stuff! However, when I tried the other night, I’m not sure just how well my brain had been healing from the concussion as I missed something in the instructions.

    It wasn’t something extremely large but not something I would have missed before. Basically it was to put the “Job #” in the title. I just put the “Position Name.”

    Some may say, not a big deal but depending upon who is screening resumes and cover letters, that could get you dumped right in the trash.

    I did this in my last job as one of my sort of quasi-HR responsibilities and for that? I would trash it. The person didn’t pay enough attention to the application process so they would not pay enough attention to the details of the job (which is kind of heavy handed but it helps you root through all of the applicants.)

    Granted, if someone didn’t do that but had a stellar resume and great skills, I’d let it go.

    Anyway, I felt that based upon such, my brain was still not doing all that great! Okay, I’m off in tangent land…just making my first cuppa. *laughing*

    Yes, I do have a lot going on and I don’t. Again, the job search has slowed down because of the health problems. I do need to get back at it, though.

    I am now working with the “job disability place” so I am on a schedule where I am seeing them weekly. At least for now? I just saw my “first guy/gal” yesterday for the second time (coming up in blog post today…) I feel they are my only chance, you know? They do seem really awesome.

    Regular appts. with Merlin #1. Every week or two?

    Maybe some social but I generally tend to stay in “Hermit Mode.” J. gets me out mostly but there are some other folks I know. Even still…

    “Brad Pitt” wants to go out this afternoon so I have to call him.

    I live alone so no one to take care of but myself (and even that is hard enough! GAH!)

    What about you? I don’t know how much you have on your plate. Some people have families and whoa… I couldn’t even imagine that extra responsibility. I’d crumble, I’m sure.


  10. Hi
    I really need a job right now and I can’t find anything, so I sort of understand how frustrating and annoying job searches can be.

    You can never know if it mattered or not I guess but it probably didn’t matter and it’s not your fault that it happened, you’re going through a lot right now and your brain isn’t perhaps as focused as it would normally be because of the concussion etc., so don’t be too hard on yourself!

    The job disability place sounds good, it’s good that you’re seeing them weekly I guess, hopefully it’ll help with developments in the job area and they’ll be able to help find you somewhere that works for you.

    I’ve been in ‘hermit mode’ a lot recently, partly because everyone’s snowed under with work at the moment and partly because I’m such a mess a lot of the time and I don’t want people to see me like that. Lol, I wish Brad Pitt did want to go out this afternoon.

    I have family of course but only see them at the weekends when I go home to get proper food and heating, I live in a very crappy student apartment with four housemates who knew each other before and so I don’t fit in with. Probably doesn’t help either that I shut myself up in my room a lot and cry. Hmm..
    I don’t know how I’d cope if I had other people to look after too though maybe it would make me focus less on myself, I don’t know.
    Anyway, it’s 2 in the morning and I have essays to write tomorrow and a presentation to do so away to bed.


  11. Hi Hannah. So, looking for work, too? Thanks about the “not being too hard on myself.” And the notion of my noggin’ not being up to par. Man, I sure don’t know what the hell it did last night! And well…how I guess everything got rolling the day/night before.

    Well, I “guess” I know. Maybe a wee bit of stress, cycling but there were other things too that made it just somehow “malfunction.” I felt like I was losing it all over.

    Yep, the job place seems great so far. And having that weekly contact seems very reassuring. I mean, it’s like meeting with your shrink or something! Well, they are dealing with people who have disabilities! Handle with care!

    I hear ya on the “mess” front. That is if I am getting you? I’m such a total mess these days too–like, I look like a mess? I swear when I had to get up sooo early for Merlin #2 with so little sleep. I honestly rolled out of bed, took meds and all of that and just walked out the door. *laughing*

    Well, he’s a shrink! He sees crazy people all day, every day! It’s not like we were going out to a fine dining establishment!

    Heh. Brad Pitt. Well, he’s another “player” in the ongoing drama of my life now. And he looks like him so that’s his alias!

    I don’t mean to laugh when you say that it doesn’t help that you just shut yourself up in your room a lot and cry. I know it’s not funny, it really isn’t but it was just the way you wrote it. It had such a great tone of irony. With the Hmm.. immediately afterward. Oh, no! That wouldn’t mean anything, would it??? *winks at Hannah*

    Well, I hope you managed to get some decent sleep last night! And good luck with the papers too.


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