Archive for March, 2009
I don’t really know what to say. Sorry, terrible Aspie joke. However, I did sort of feel that way yesterday so I wasn’t sure if I could write this post or not. Be forwarned. It may be rather long? Ah…now I can also “officially” use my alias of The Arch Alien of Asperger’s© too. Good.
So I went to see Merlin #1 and we reviewed things, talked all about it. We also discussed some areas where I may have some challenges and issues. Fair enough. As time was running out, I basically asked him if he was comfortable with a dx of Asperger’s. He said yes and indeed, “High Functioning” but let us not split hairs. It is a “Spectrum” PA says for the nth time!
He also quietly thanked me for “educating him.” I quietly thanked him back for “understanding.”
Because, you see, PA has had to fight for every dx that she has. This is mostly due to her ex-GP (fondly referred to as “Dr. Asshole” on this blog.) He tried to treat her for everything under the sun and she had to pin him to the mat several times, just to even have him listen!
With the Bipolar, I was initially dx’d with Depression (MDD) but erm…wait a minute. My moods are all over the damn place even with ADs. Not to mention I finally realized that I had lived in a constant (hypo)manic existence for about seven or eight years before the “Big Crash” and MDD dx. What’s wrong with this picture? So, let’s fight about that! Not too much of a struggle but then it got really ugly! The pain of trying to convince him that some (not all…) people with Bipolar can not take ADs. I can not. They turn me into a whirling dervish of Bipolar Cycling Hell. Fine.
AD(H)D. Let’s just say more of the same. I got it through his thick, bloody skull but no stims. With his magic, crystal, medical ball, he knew stims would make me cycle. Guess what? They don’t.
Epilepsy. What is this, Round Three? I finally left him although I did get some recognition from him that I did have Simple Partial Seizures all my life and was still having them.
At least the dolt didn’t have issues with my migraines. *rolls eyes*
Now, finally the Asperger’s. Done. However, the session with Merlin #1 was pretty heavy. We discussed some other outstanding issues like me going to the Epilepsy Clinic in a few weeks (my seizures have gotten worse) and at the very end, I was literally pacing around in circles. I’m not kidding! He mentioned to me that he knows a Social Worker at some Asperger’s Group but I’ve never been a big fan of “Support Groups” or things like that.
Anyway, back to the Asperger’s and where I am at this moment. Boy, I’m a real Label Whore now, aren’t I? *wry grin* I’ve made that joke a few times before on my blog. And let’s not forget the GERD! That’s a tummy problem though…
I’m trying to figure out why I’m not feeling so “relieved” as I was before when “proving” my other dx’s when I damn well knew I had them–just like now. Why do I feel like this is going to take some time to come to grips with?
Is it because I had to dredge up some pretty painful crap from my past right to present day? When typing it all up, I was so detached, it was like I was just writing about someone else’s life. Is it because I have so many other life stressors going on now? Both? Something else or more? I think about obtaining the dx as an adult? I even recently received a dx of Post-Traumatic Stress from something that happened to me (I’m not putting that in my “Label Profile” though.) Is that kicking in, too?
Perhaps it isn’t so much in these questions. However, I do think there is some value in them; even if they may not “help” me. They may merely be factors of causation that are resulting in how I feel or am feeling right now. And due to that fact, the only thing I can probably do–at least in the immediate–is give myself some time. Some time to just…well, do nothing. Let time have its way with me no matter what feelings arise; no matter how uncomfortable or difficult that may be.
So I blame Hannah over at Portrait of a Dreamer for this one! *laughing* She made me do it! I swear!
Skipping through the forest
Trying to find a daisy
Haven’t had any a cuppa
So I’m feeling kinda hazy
Nothing to be found
Time to roam a bit around
Then what did I espy
With my one little hazy eye?
‘Twas posey yellow and white
But I knew I had to fight
Yonder daisy lay by highest fence
Oh, to climb I did not have the sense!
Determined I gave it my all
But oops, what a nasty fall!
Though that wee treasured daisy I got
Plucking petals one by one; love me or love me not…
I’m at J.’s now as we agreed to have dinner after my appt. We’re completely being mental and geeking out as we so oft do. He’s soldering a piece of equipment–a connector–I need and I’m playing DJ with baby MacBook, hooked up to his stereo and writing this courtesy of his home network…even though I did find floaty wifi within his apartment!
As I was waiting at one of my public transfer stops to get here, something hit me. Something after my appt. with Merlin #1 today and all of the discussion of me having Asperger’s and how “happy” I was and how I found the entire dealings of it all so funny.
Maybe it’s not so funny? It was like a train, full on, what hit me. I shed a tear or two.
I realized that even though Asperger’s may not have been entirely responsible for so many fuck ups in my life–even ones that I am still surely to make–it had a role to play?
Bottom line, it may have not been all my fault? I wasn’t a complete and total asshole? It wasn’t “just me?”
This is a painful sense of relief if that makes any sense at all. Perhaps, a bitter dose of medicine as well.
Well, not quite. Or quite yet? I just got back from seeing Merlin #1. *PA grins*
The first thing I did was plop down all of my “paperwork” on his ottoman and then I plopped “myself” down on the floor beside it and him. And removed my shoes. Well, may as well get comfy! There’s a lot to talk about here! *laughing*
Oh, shit. I sat and stared around and let him just begin with the “notes” I made about myself from childhood all they way up to present day. At least four to five pages or so? Then I gave him some “simple” pages from a couple of organizations with highlighted points. Then we proceeded on to some more detailed items.
In between, he asked me a few questions about myself just for clarification. Okay. I said I wasn’t sure of the interpretive meaning of some of the things written down. Or even myself? BWAH-HA-HA!!!
We only had a half hour so there was no way to get through it all. However, I did raise some salient points verbally:
The fact that it is a “Spectrum” so who the hell knows where anyone is and how things may change into adulthood–which way is up, down, sideways, forwards, backwards etc…
How the “lack of empathy” business isn’t necessarily true.
The ratio of males to females is very important due to manifestation and finally people are cluing in to it (more males are dx’d than females.)
My own issues of empathy as a child and how it literally made me sick so I shut it down (and he understood it!)
The fact that the DSM and the ICD suck and you can’t pigeon hole people. What else…?
Oh, and that I read somewhere, curiously, that girls with Asperger’s can tend to choose to play with boys rather than girls! And I did! Wow!
Merlin #1 said to me that I was the first person to come to him in his n years of practice ever about this! W00t! *laughing again*
After that, Merlin #1 verbatim: “You’re way ahead of me on this stuff!” *PA laughing so hard she’s almost falling on floor now*
He also said that what I gave him was very valuable and just fantastic but since we only had a half hour, he needed to read it all. However, he said it needs to be addressed so I am going in to see him on Monday. Yes, that would be in three days. Methinks Merlin #1 is rather keen on PA being an Aspie? I told him I really didn’t think he would have any problem in finding me an Aspie…twice. Repetitive speech? (Aspie joke.)
As a final note, he asked me what I wanted to do about it. Good question. I paused.
I said to him that I don’t get “ragey,” so no medication would be required (like I need more???) I said to him that Risperdal/Risperidone is basically the best for that. Caveat: Dr. PA is NOT a real doctor…consult your own doctors for medical attention!!!
I also made the “Aspies in Therapy Joke” but did tell him that so far, he’s been the best I have ever had to speak to despite any issues with Alexithymia.
After thinking a bit more, I said that it was the last “piece of the puzzle” regarding my head and simply knowing and having it confirmed would be so good. After such time, having someone understand and recognize it and not make me feel like I’m “crazy” and it’s all “just in my head” would be such a relief.
Second? I said to him that just like any other Developmental Disorder or Mental Illness etc… it can be triggered. So, again. Having the “confirmation” would be good because then, trigger…red alert! I could possibly have the awareness to look out! As always, things go off kilter and you can’t always catch triggers and save yourself but you can still try.
So there you go. Granted, I know all of this is true. I really do. But what I told him in my answers were more from a “professional” perspective. If Merlin #1 isn’t as aware of this as I already am…well, he needs to be. I have to be a responsible patient just as much as he has to be a responsible practitioner. Otherwise, what the hell are we doing together?
Sometimes I get to the point where I can’t stand myself either real life or on my own blog. This is one of them. So, time to stream a new MP3 because I certainly can not write about how much I can not stand myself right now!
I give you “Naked Girl Falling Down The Stairs” by The Cramps.
I laughed so bloody hard when I first heard this song and it still makes me crack up…hehe…get it?
Okay, maybe not so funny… Hope you enjoy. I always get some good chuckles from The Cramps and even if you feel they are stupid or goofy. Musically? No, they are very good.
Blunted. Silent. No chance of reaching the outside, nor the inside. I sit and freeze and bide my time. The old familiar spaces, those empty, wasted places, all the similar faces. They slip in and out.
To live alone and not hear your own voice for days is a strange thing. You forget how it sounds; you forget that one part of you and then begin forgetting all other parts of you as well. Identity Quicksand. A phone rings to allow you to begin remembering who you are but you don’t answer. You would rather go on forgetting yourself.
A later day. On this day you are forced to speak and out of you comes some strange anomaly. Have you been recognized? Was I? Was I? You were told that you were. However, you can not be sure yourself. For it is the first time you have heard your own voice for so long.
A mirror. Having lain in bed for all of those days as well, you have not seen yourself, either. There is a vague feeling to your skin. It is numb and you can almost imagine that it sags all around you. Even though you have managed to leave your prone position to only urinate, you have not looked at anything but the floor and toilet paper.
A later day. You do take a look. Is this me? Is it? Is it? Hair disheveled, pale skin, eyes encircled dark–nearly black. A mouth from where no words have been spoken again. One single, straight line; identical to the one you follow back to your bed, preferentially, continuing to forget yourself.
Should you wish to speak, would you? Surely there have been times. I remember? I remember? But no one was there. And that’s when I wouldn’t speak. Even though I could use my voice. Hello? Hello?
Just like right now. I have a voice but there’s a Dropped Connection. I’ve been trying all night but it’s not working. No one is picking up. It keeps happening all the time these days. Is it me? Is it me?
Madame Depressiva© only got out of bed twice yesterday. The first time was immediately, early in the morning for the plumber to fix her toilet (which was very quickly done, however, she needs a new one altogether.) Then, later some time around…perhaps, 1900hrs? True, it was literally a “head under the duvet day.”
The only reason to get up in the evening was to have a little bit of food. It had been a what…? A couple of days since Madame Depressiva© had eaten?
ASIDE: Oh, Kate! You are free to bite Madame Depressiva© on the neck anytime and we shall look fantastic in our PVC forever!
I’ll leave it to you guys to work on that puzzle if you have no clue what Madame Depressiva© is talking about.
After nibbling on a few crumbs, back into the sack. Well, after chomping down a handful of meds.
So, how is Madame Depressiva© feeling today? Hmmm…kind of nauseous, spaced out, emotionally…oh, good grief. That should be obvious? However, she is at least out of her bed and sort of aimlessly…meandering…around her flat. She’s also becoming a geek in her own flat–like when she goes out to work on her baby MacBook and/or to write. She sat down and put on her iPod while looking at a newspaper.
Excuse me, Madame Depressiva© but you do own a stereo? Indeed. It would appear that things are still not exactly as they should be in the Kingdom.
I suppose that is all that can be said for now. Oh, yes. Madame Depressiva© was, in fact, feeling a bit suicidal. Quite unfortunate, to say the least. She was also briefly considering a trip to hospital for respite but realized it would be a rather pointless move. She would be much more comfortable within her own private setting for her rehabilitation.
Now fucking get a load of this “crap!” I’m getting all ready for bed last night and I go to the bathroom (as in use my goddamn toilet!) I flush and…huh? It’s all “wiggly” so you know, give it a bit of a shake because it’s just loose; the attachment to the flat fitting that drains the bowl and the tank. It just needs a bit of “toggling” to reset itself.
Now I’m no uber-handywoman but “toilet flushing issues” are relatively simple. I heave off the back of the tank’s lid and what do I find? Well, well. It’s a good thing that PA was blessed with a great, cast iron, bloody stomach! Holy barf-o-rama!
Alrighty-oh! Let’s dig right on in, there! And I forgot my spoon!!!
I grab this Whore of Hell, ancient chain that looks like it came from the Victorian Era and (yes, I did!!!) dove in full speed ahead and tried to figure out how to reattach it to the plastic drainer. There was nothing to attach it to. I swear. Honest to, pick you fave deity of choix!
What.The.Fuck? Like, how in “Grand Toiletville” was it attached before? Victorian Era Magic? Because the whole disgust-o-rama tank looked like it hadn’t been cleaned since the Victorian Era either.
Oh, wait. No indoor plumbing in the Victorian Era? Oh, wait–part two. I was doing all of this forgetting that I do own a pair of rubber gloves. *PA smacks forehead* My hands were almost hypothermic!!!
But it get’s better. The plastic tubes that refill the tank and bowl from the water supply? Victorian Era as well. I accidentally “bumped” them. Well, it was raining in my bathroom all over again just when my shower head went a couple of weeks ago!
FUCK ME!!! At least the water from my shower head was clean!!!
So, at this point, I’m a completely, soaking wet, filthpig and realize that my only recourse is to keep taking off the damn back of the tank and pull off the drainer every time I have to use my own, pay-loads-of-rent-for-my-shitbag-flat-can!
And because I am such a tenacious, little spaz (who finally remembered she has rubber gloves) I went back at it this morning. Of course nothing had changed. *PA smacks forehead again*
And…of course a plumber is coming tomorrow and not today. I am currently out working remotely, enjoying the pleasure of “public toilets.” And may do so for as long as I “can?”
Postscript: I’ve been working through iTunes for a decent MP3 for this, so I give you “Do It Clean” by Echo & The Bunnymen. *laughing idiotically*
I have what I call in the “real world” an expression of “putting on your Sane Face.” No doubt others use it as well or something similar? Basically, you feel like emotional, mental trash but you fake it to get by. You don’t let on. You don’t allow others to know anything by essentially hiding behind the mask of your “Sane Face.”
It may sound strange but has anyone out there done the same on their blogs? Sure, you could just make the decision to not post anything at all because you feel like total, utter shite. However, have you decided to do so anyway with…well, the subject matter is irrelevant. It just has nothing to do with how you feel. It could be anything. You simply post something in denial of your emotions. You don’t let any readers know.
A virtual, online version of your Sane Face.
I’m doing it right now. Although, I have had this topic in mind for quite some time.
I really don’t feel like blogging about how I basically never want to get out of bed to face the world these days, how long the record is for me to take showers, brush my teeth and change my clothes–including the fact that I also sleep in them because I don’t change them. That would logically follow.
Not to mention that the bizarre Agoraphobia has returned that I had never experienced before since my last (number six!) hospitalization.
Oops! I guess I let some things slip there! So much for my Blogging Sane Face!
Oh, well. The other day I did make it out to do some things out of sheer necessity. In my mind, I had plans to do more (or at least try) but once out, I just felt after the essential ones were done, forget the “optional” endeavors.
“Maybe tomorrow?” I said to myself.
Oh, dear. I’m losing more of my Sane Face now, aren’t I? *laughing*
It doesn’t really matter. This post was meant to be more of a “question” to folks out there. Another one of my invitations to open a discussion and provide a space for anyone’s thoughts or opinions.
PA, who hasn’t taken a shower today but did change her clothes from yesterday. *smirk*