Well, not quite.  Or quite yet? I just got back from seeing Merlin #1. *PA grins*

The first thing I did was plop down all of my “paperwork” on his ottoman and then I plopped “myself” down on the floor beside it and him.  And removed my shoes.  Well, may as well get comfy! There’s a lot to talk about here! *laughing*

Oh, shit.  I sat and stared around and let him just begin with the “notes” I made about myself from childhood all they way up to present day.  At least four to five pages or so? Then I gave him some “simple” pages from a couple of organizations with highlighted points.  Then we proceeded on to some more detailed items.

In between, he asked me a few questions about myself just for clarification.  Okay.  I said I wasn’t sure of the interpretive meaning of some of the things written down.  Or even myself? BWAH-HA-HA!!!

We only had a half hour so there was no way to get through it all.  However, I did raise some salient points verbally:

The fact that it is a “Spectrum” so who the hell knows where anyone is and how things may change into adulthood–which way is up, down, sideways, forwards, backwards etc…

How the “lack of empathy” business isn’t necessarily true.

The ratio of males to females is very important due to manifestation and finally people are cluing in to it (more males are dx’d than females.)

My own issues of empathy as a child and how it literally made me sick so I shut it down (and he understood it!)

The fact that the DSM and the ICD suck and you can’t pigeon hole people.  What else…?

Oh, and that I read somewhere, curiously, that girls with Asperger’s can tend to choose to play with boys rather than girls! And I did! Wow!

Merlin #1 said to me that I was the first person to come to him in his n years of practice ever about this! W00t! *laughing again*

After that, Merlin #1 verbatim: “You’re way ahead of me on this stuff!” *PA laughing so hard she’s almost falling on floor now*

He also said that what I gave him was very valuable and just fantastic but since we only had a half hour, he needed to read it all.  However, he said it needs to be addressed so I am going in to see him on Monday.  Yes, that would be in three days.  Methinks Merlin #1 is rather keen on PA being an Aspie? I told him I really didn’t think he would have any problem in finding me an Aspie…twice.  Repetitive speech? (Aspie joke.)

As a final note, he asked me what I wanted to do about it.  Good question.  I paused.

I said to him that I don’t get “ragey,” so no medication would be required (like I need more???) I said to him that Risperdal/Risperidone is basically the best for that.  Caveat: Dr. PA is NOT a real doctor…consult your own doctors for medical attention!!!

I also made the “Aspies in Therapy Joke” but did tell him that so far, he’s been the best I have ever had to speak to despite any issues with Alexithymia.

After thinking a bit more, I said that it was the last “piece of the puzzle” regarding my head and simply knowing and having it confirmed would be so good.  After such time, having someone understand and recognize it and not make me feel like I’m “crazy” and it’s all “just in my head” would be such a relief.

Second? I said to him that just like any other Developmental Disorder or Mental Illness etc… it can be triggered.  So, again.  Having the “confirmation” would be good because then, trigger…red alert! I could possibly have the awareness to look out! As always, things go off kilter and you can’t always catch triggers and save yourself but you can still try.

So there you go.  Granted, I know all of this is true.  I really do.  But what I told him in my answers were more from a “professional” perspective.  If Merlin #1 isn’t as aware of this as I already am…well, he needs to be.  I have to be a responsible patient just as much as he has to be a responsible practitioner.  Otherwise, what the hell are we doing together?


  1. I wrote out my life history during a psych stay and I continued to rewrite it with more and more details. Any way at the end of the process I realized a bunch of different patterns and basically put the pieces together. I saw the psych the next day and asked him if he felt that I met the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality. He reacted like I told him how to make his car run on water, almost like I found that missing piece to the puzzle. my thoughts were with the new diagnosis the doctors would be able to fine tune my treatment but instead due to the nature of BPD it made everything that much harder and if anything sent my illness in the wrong direction. Now if my doctor can not figure something out he responds with you are borderline that is why whatever went wrong. Bugs me sometimes that I am such a text book case of BPD the only person to figure it out was me. I have no idea where I was going with this. take care


  2. Hi untreatable. Sorry for not getting back to you in a timely way as well. See my posts?

    It’s interesting to see I am not the only one who “documents” things for their doctors?

    I completely understand what you are saying even though you said you have no idea where you were (was) going with it.

    BPD is really hard and in a way, maybe like Asperger’s too because even though they aren’t “the same” *cough cough* hardly…it’s not like you can pop a pill to deal. Look at me. I can pop a lot of pills to deal with my other dx’s but not Asperger’s. It’s just something you have to work through and with.

    At least that is what I think I am learning now. Yes.

    And as such, I don’t think there is anything wrong about being educated regarding your dx or whatever–I mean, forget the label–just what is going on with you. That is what kind of pissed me off (if I’m getting what you wrote correctly?) Your doctor simply saying it all comes down to BPD?

    Oh, fuck me! That’s crap. We are all more than our dx’s and…argh…

    Again, at least with my latest and greatest, we need to work with things…not blame things?

    I did write that yes, things came together but in moving forward, I guess(?) I can’t get stuck in the past. Or try. And also stuck in the future?

    Maybe you too?


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