I don’t really know what to say.  Sorry, terrible Aspie joke.  However, I did sort of feel that way yesterday so I wasn’t sure if I could write this post or not.  Be forwarned.  It may be rather long? Ah…now I can also “officially” use my alias of The Arch Alien of Asperger’s© too.  Good.

So I went to see Merlin #1 and we reviewed things, talked all about it.  We also discussed some areas where I may have some challenges and issues.  Fair enough.  As time was running out, I basically asked him if he was comfortable with a dx of Asperger’s.  He said yes and indeed, “High Functioning” but let us not split hairs.  It is a “Spectrum” PA says for the nth time!

He also quietly thanked me for “educating him.”  I quietly thanked him back for “understanding.”

Because, you see, PA has had to fight for every dx that she has.  This is mostly due to her ex-GP (fondly referred to as “Dr. Asshole” on this blog.)  He tried to treat her for everything under the sun and she had to pin him to the mat several times, just to even have him listen!

With the Bipolar, I was initially dx’d with Depression (MDD) but erm…wait a minute.  My moods are all  over the damn place even with ADs.  Not to mention I finally realized that I had lived in a constant (hypo)manic existence for about seven or eight years before the “Big Crash” and MDD dx.  What’s wrong with this picture? So, let’s fight about that! Not too much of a struggle but then it got really ugly! The pain of trying to convince him that some (not all…) people with Bipolar can not take ADs.  I can not.  They turn me into a whirling dervish of Bipolar Cycling Hell.  Fine.

AD(H)D.  Let’s just say more of the same.  I got it through his thick, bloody skull but no stims.  With his magic, crystal, medical ball, he knew stims would make me cycle.  Guess what? They don’t.

Epilepsy.  What is this, Round Three? I finally left him although I did get some recognition from him that I did have Simple Partial Seizures all my life and was still having them.

At least the dolt didn’t have issues with my migraines. *rolls eyes*

Now, finally the Asperger’s.  Done.  However, the session with Merlin #1 was pretty heavy.  We discussed some other outstanding issues like me going to the Epilepsy Clinic in a few weeks (my seizures have gotten worse) and at the very end, I was literally pacing around in circles.  I’m not kidding! He mentioned to me that he knows a Social Worker at some Asperger’s Group but I’ve never been a big fan of “Support Groups” or things like that.

Anyway, back to the Asperger’s and where I am at this moment.  Boy, I’m a real Label Whore now, aren’t I? *wry grin* I’ve made that joke a few times before on my blog.  And let’s not forget the GERD! That’s a tummy problem though…

I’m trying to figure out why I’m not feeling so “relieved” as I was before when “proving” my other dx’s when I damn well knew I had them–just like now.  Why do I feel like this is going to take some time to come to grips with?

Is it because I had to dredge up some pretty painful crap from my past right to present day? When typing it all up, I was so detached, it was like I was just writing about someone else’s life.  Is it because I have so many other life stressors going on now? Both? Something else or more? I think about obtaining the dx as an adult? I even recently received a dx of Post-Traumatic Stress from something that happened to me (I’m not putting that in my “Label Profile” though.) Is that kicking in, too?

Perhaps it isn’t so much in these questions.  However, I do think there is some value in them; even if they may not “help” me.  They may merely be factors of causation that are resulting in how I feel or am feeling right now.  And due to that fact, the only thing I can probably do–at least in the immediate–is give myself some time.  Some time to just…well, do nothing.  Let time have its way with me no matter what feelings arise; no matter how uncomfortable or difficult that may be.


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