Archive for April, 2009
I apologize for all of that both yesterday and last night. I’ve made some deletions as I really just wasn’t comfortable with them as well. Sorry, folks. Had to do it. If I can’t even bear to look at my own blog…then you know it’s BAD!
Hopefully things can get back on track relatively soon? I’m going to leave up the “Danger Will Robinson’s!” just in case though… *rolls eyes*
I just got up not long ago. After being so flippy and having to go to that meeting for the newspaper, all of those people and trying to engage–it really took a lot out of me. No, full day in bed to try and generally recuperate and just “deal.” My energy levels are still pretty low but at least I’m up, out of bed and walking! That’s a good sign, eh?
So, I’m going to try and keep the volume levels down on my blog and get my head screwed back on straight…
Bless you all…PA
PA isn’t Passive-aggressive. That can actually tend to freak her out as she had to deal with enough of it growing up as a kid. No, this kind of craziness happened once before some time ago and a blogger she knew “offblog” said to her: “What the hell is up with you???”
I was in a rough spot then; I’m in rough spot now.
I should add this to the “Danger Will Robinson!” Post and Page. Just so no one gets confused.
I need to try…?…oh, surely you jest…to go to a newspaper editorial/contributors meeting tonight. Fucking tonight? I can barely move, the travel? Take me forever? Concentration? “Do Social?”
How on the goddamn planet?
I’ve just about puked up my tea already.
Please open up and accept me.
Bestow upon me things, either “good” or “bad” as human eyes are wont to perceive them.
Help me to have the clarity of vision to not see them in such light but as the gifts that they really are…and always have been as the ones that you have sent me before.
I’ve been thinking about it all day. The entire issue. One of the things that came to mind was the: “Oh, yeah. I’ve heard that one before!” Sure, time and time again, you receive a “wake up call” and you might get your shit together for however long and then the proverbial, fall off the wagon. Denial.
Some people even reading the post may be thinking that based upon how it was written, the details that I gave; it may have sounded rather detached in its style. But no.
Whether I am even remotely correct about the above or not, there is a lot of emotion invested in this. I even broke down and cried this afternoon over it all. I am not merely sweeping this under the rug as “some boo boo.”
I need to deal with this. And not a moment later. My entire health and well being depends upon it. Make no mistake. This I now know.
However, I am not deluding myself. I do not expect it to be a cakewalk or something accomplished overnight. Regardless, I feel I’ve run out of both time and excuses at this point. I do not view that as a negative (however painful it does feel) but as a positive. I simply have to in doing this. For is it not the motivational factor for me to get well?
No more “My Flat is a Sauna” joking around, this is a serious one. However, I did escape to the pub and have some beer. In doing so after reading the paper, I let my thoughts wander to my drinking habits, things I have done, my own longstanding self-medication history, my family’s predisposition to alcohol (i.e. genetics.) These things are nothing new to this blog.
Also, the self-medication history has been all balled up and tangled with being undiagnosed with Bipolar and living in a constant state of (hypo)mania for about seven or eight years, then a misdiagnosis for several years. Also, perhaps the genes? Although, nothing is conclusive there yet. Not that these are excuses, no, they are simply (or “complicatedly?”) reasons. Use alcohol as some sort of coping mechanism, use it to dull the pain, use it to party when you’re out of your mind, cycling like crazy and not thinking straight.
Because the funny thing is, I hardly drank at all when I was a teenager, no drugs and really the same when I was just approaching my early 20s. Then the Bipolar hit like a freight train and well, the self-medication followed.
I’ve never been “proud” about it. And sure, you can make all sorts of “jokes” about what happened when you were “all wasted,” however, that is either a very immature view or a way of practising denial. That is to say, if you are a habitual self-medicator. Sure, someone might have an “Oops!” party moment and it will be funny but if you self-medicate, there can (and will!) be far to many “Oops!” moments–and they will not be very funny at all–no matter how hard you try to convince yourself.
So, as I quietly sat there with my iPod on, it suddenly came to me that, oh yes, I have been living in denial for a long time. In fact, I knew I had been living in denial for a long time. I’ve been in denial about my denial. How crazy is that?! Well, probably not that “crazy” or unrealistic at all.
I felt this was “big news.” No, really. For someone who self-medicates and won’t admit they have a problem? That is a huge step, I think. And in terms of “Steps?” AA?
I’ve never been a big fan of it. I don’t like “Support Groups.” They make me kind of antsy and for someone who already doesn’t do so well in therapy, having a bunch of others there just…I feel I get nothing out of it. Plus, studies have been done showing that the recidivism rates are fairly high for members, anyway. Regardless, I looked at the “12 Steps” this morning after thinking of last night. Some don’t resonate with me but here are a few that do. And remember, I was thinking of “the big picture.” The entire span of my life.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (NOTE: I have a wee bit of a problem with the “12 Steps” due to being an Atheist so I’ll just call out to the Universe? Also, since this is over the span of my life, the exact nature of my wrongs? I don’t know what that means. For my entire life? All I can say is admitting denial. There is also point eight where you make a list of people and make amends. I don’t know who or everyone in my entire life, again. A blanket sorry to whomever I haven’t already said I’m sorry?)
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and to carry that out. (NOTE: See point number five so I’ll just go with the flow, Buddhism, whatever on this one?)
I tried to explain to someone that I had basically come out of the denial closet last night but apparently it didn’t go over very well at all. That may be a huge understatement! I didn’t know about potential Triggers for them. However, I do understand. My sister was married to an alcoholic for so many years and it was awful for her.
I guess that is one person out there I will make amends to? Apologize? I didn’t mean to hurt or upset this person at all.
So, all of this being said, an MP3 for me? “Two Worlds Collide” by Inspiral Carpets. Two worlds have indeed had a collision: Denial and Reality. It’s not “The End,” as the song goes, though. It can’t be. It’s just time “to make amends.”
So, I eventually was “forced out” of my flat that became a sauna. I went to read a weekly, lefty, city rag to (of course) look for jobs (where usually there are none.) However, they sometimes have some good articles, music reviews, lots of “Adult Advertisements…” Ah, yes. PA could become an Escort. Erm…no. I don’t think so.
So, I’m turning the pages and reading what suits and all of the sudden, I see this (rather small but no matter!) ad for a hoodie made by American Apparel. There were four pictures of a girl wearing it and they were all shot in…well…uhhh…stages?
Oh, fuck me! I guess I’d just get right into it then!
So, the first one, she’s got it done up, the second, it’s unzipped a bit more, the third…what the hell? I think…no, I don’t think, I DO see something there!
The fourth? I’m laughing as I’m looking at it now. Yes…I brought it home but not for that purpose!!! I just wanted to get it all (well…not straight…haha) but “correct” for my post. But the last shot! It’s not completely revealing but…it doesn’t leave much to the imagination!
Not to mention, by that point, she was now standing up and wearing these short-shorts that were pulled below her belly button.
Good Lord, American Apparel! Are you feeling the “squeeze” of your “butt”dget? Again, it was a small ad but whoa! The Power of Advertising! It sure made me want to buy that hoodie! *laughing*
Now, you’re still probably wondering why this is so embarrassing blog-wise as far as PA?
Well, I did have a laugh at bringing it home as I can think of nothing more redonculous as me masturbating to an American Apparel Ad! *PA almost falling over laughing*
However, I have no clue how long I stared at it in the paper. *laughing* No, really. It was somewhere between the song I was listening to and then the next one that came up on Shuffle. Then at some point, my brain said: “I don’t want to listen to that…” But OMG, I was killing myself for the remainder of the time it took me to finish reading everything.
I’m still laughing now.
Oh. Then, after it was all over? Guess what came up on “Shuffle?” Ugh. “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” by Cake.
If you don’t know the song, I’ll stream it now. I have before. It’s awesome.