I realized that I have only posted to try and explain how I cycle and what can happen…I don’t know how many times.  I’ve gone into much greater detail with my seizures.  I’ve never talked about my cycling in “real time” before, though.  I have written posts about my seizures in that way–being post-“ick”tal© afterward etc…

Writing about the cycling is harder because it can be so different each and every time–more complex as it is not about physical symptoms like my seizures.  However, I can and may experience four things: (hypo)mania, depression, mixed states and dysphoric manias. Some people can get the latter two confused or interchange them but there is a somewhat subtle difference in the mood dept.

A mixed state consists of depression and anxiety; a dysphoric mania consists of depression and (hypo)mania.  Still, you ask, “What is the difference?” With a mixed state, you may be prone to more of a depressive state and feel like you’ve got ants in your pants.  With a dysphoric mania, there may be less of an emphasis on your depression but otherwise, your mind is or can be racing out of control, your thinking is nowhere near as well as if you were well.  You can still be a bit out of your head.

Either way, they are both incredibly uncomfortable!

So.  It is now app. 16 hours since everything began (but it will be definitely later after I finish writing this–I have only just gotten up and I don’t even care for my tea but I should make some–that gives you an idea of where I may be on the map right now?) *PA pads off to make tea and take Valium/Diazepam that she should have added to her morning meds anyway*

Alright, so now that the Baroness of Bipolar© has had some tea and some “calm me down meds,” maybe she can try and write something here.  For indeed, she is still not so well.

Let’s backtrack a bit.  Last night I was writing like a fiend.  Which can be a good thing.  But I was getting very hyper in the midst of it all.  Now, I can really get into my writing.  Once I get onto something I won’t stop until I think I have a piece that is relatively decent but it’s a “hyperfocus” issue.  So, last night, drop the focus part? Well, not completely but I think you understand.

A wee bell went off in my head as this has become such a pattern and I thought: ‘…uh oh…’ I was right.  But still, you can’t stop the damn Bipolar Train heading straight down the tracks! Plus, you don’t even have a ticket so you don’t know where you’re headed! What could I do? Just wait and see where my brain was headed?

I was IM’ing Lovely Researcher at the time and told her I knew.  She could tell just by my texts! She knows me bloody well enough by now! I was as bouncy as a rubber ball! That would be some (hypo)mania. I needed to try and rest or something to try and calm me down but it’s so hard as you can’t stop the stupid Bipolar Train! It takes you places you don’t want to go and Train Master will not let you get off!

I then sent a not-so-nice email to Lovely Researcher.  OMG.  That would be the Bipolar Train taking me into the Dysphoric Mania Station for a little stop.  Perhaps it needed to pick up some new passengers? After that, I think I just couldn’t stand life any longer so I threw myself into bed (or under it as I said with my previous post) with as many meds possible.

Today? I am still riding the Bipolar Train.  Oh, yes.  Why, in fact, I think it’s the Ultradian one! Oh, of course it is. It’s the only one that has a stop in my neighbourhood! It’s one of those “Scenic Route” ones.  We’ve taken a break and have now allowed everyone who wishes to get off, tour around the area of Mixed State. That is why I immediately took my Valium.

You see, not only have I arrived at Mixed State via the Train by simply being aboard, I needed to apologize to Lovely Researcher for the email that I had sent her.  That has definitely impacted my mood! I am relatively sure I will get my pardon due to having no control over my brain but I still feel awful about it.

This isn’t the first time because of my fucking, stupid, brain that I have acted completely arsey with people! And it’s not like I become “mean” or “hurtful!” Or at least I don’t intend to! My emotions just get the better of me, I can become very impulsive, I am obviously not “in my right mind” so things come out all the wrong way and often don’t make a lot of sense to people–or they interpret it as something else.

I’ve already pretty much lost a wonderful friend I met recently for doing some similar crap.  Who knows how many others I may have lost in my life as well under other “crazy” circumstances.  Yes, it is hard to deal with this when you are on the other side of the fence.  Someone acting so completely…well, unpredictable is a good one for me.  I really don’t get “over-the-top” out of control.  See above.  I think it would be better if someone actually was with me that understood this, as when I am alone (as I am) the thought processes can tend to just get worse!

To finish (for now–unless the Bipolar Train changes tracks and I can give you another update–hell, I may give you one anyway) my “Trigger?” Cycling usually but not always, requires one.  Mine, quite simply: Stress.

I was working so hard yesterday and then I became so frustrated as I realized I was doing things “backwards.”  I should have called people during business hours but didn’t.  Then I got so depressed.  Perhaps this was all leading up to the whole thing? Brain Go Pop.


  1. dame wiggy

    PA, you are so well researched as to what you ‘are’. But what on earth are you doing to/for yourself toward curing?
    You’re so bright. So I’m hoping you’re researching (among all your research) a healthy diet and exercise and love, among other things.
    I read you on occasion and worry about you every time; because you seem to claim you’re far beyond the control of your brain activity. I hope you find new ways/versions to claim control. You’re on so many meds that i worry about your kidneys and liver, etc.
    I know you’re under a lot of stress; but perhaps while you’re not having to focus on a job, maybe you can take that time to concentrate on your health and diet. It may help you more than you can imagine.
    love always,


  2. Hi dame wiggy, so good to see you! Thanks so much for the compliments on my “research abilities.” *laughing*

    I know you worry about me and that means a lot. As far as my brain? Well, indeed, sometimes these things can not be helped but what you suggest (apart from meds) are definitely good coping mechanisms and can help people.

    I am trying and do work hard to do the things you say. Now that the weather is getting better here, I would like to get out on my bike. Too cold before! I have friends (a few at least) to spend time with so I am not constantly in hermit mode. That helps a lot because just sitting around and feeling like crap can definitely make things worse.

    Food? Sometimes still a bit of a challenge with the gastro problems but let’s face it, we all have to eat so yes, doing the best I can there. However, I will concede that is probably an area that needs some assistance.

    As far as my liver and kidney function, all should be in order. My doctors seem alright with that. I actually requested a full lab work up from my GP recently as I was curious how I was doing with some things so I am being responsible.

    I have been saying it for ages now that when I finally do get a job, so many things will change! My life will settle and things will get back to a proper pace and my health will possibly improve? And perhaps even along with that, some med changes could be made? Lowering some dosages? They only were increased after the stress of losing my job!

    So, you never know. All I can do is wait and see. However, a huge weight will be lifted off of me when I regain employment.

    And lots of love to you too,


  3. dame wiggy

    well, you keep on keepin’ on sweets — and you let me know if you need some quick and easy, heavy duty omega3 recipes that might surprise you with their boosts, okay?
    (not to mention the simple benefits of just getting into the kitchen and playing with all the pretty colors and the instant gratification of a beautiful plate.)
    trust me, it does wonders.
    thinking of ya often, chica.


  4. dame wiggy

    p.s. you have some yard area, no?
    plant some stuff this spring — maybe some tomatoes, basil, thyme, rosemary, lavender, and so forth.
    even if it rots on the vine, it smells pretty and invigorating during a soft summer rain. =)
    and the guilt will eventually inspire you into pulling a bouquet and filling a pretty vase.
    how bad could that be, right?


  5. Hi again dame wiggy, thanks doll. Hey, feel free to toss any good recipes my way. I’m not really a fussy eater. And pretty colours are good? Yes?

    Thank you for thinking of me often, too.



  6. Hello again, again dame wiggy! You just nailed me as I was responding. Oh, dear. PA and gardening or anything to do with plants! Thank you for that suggestion as well but no green thumbs around here!

    I kill flora. That’s all there is to say about that! No, I don’t think it matters what kind of plant–even some silly cactus that requires virtually no care, keep it away from me!

    It.Will.Meet.Death. *rolls eyes*

    Actually, I’ve always wanted bonsai trees. Maybe I should try those? If they’re not that expensive because there is a fair chance I will kill them, too.

    Oh, by the way. Another thing I forgot to mention (because I wanted to make a post about it but I’ll just sound repetitive…) There is a Dojo in my neighbourhood and I want to take up Martial Arts. I have for years now! The only thing is…how much is the membership? Remember, not working.

    However, I’ll pop by and have a chat with the owners. I read an article about them and they sounded so amazing. They said that having people come to them was really more important than making money. And as I’m sure you know, Martial Arts is not about kicking the hell out of someone’s ass!

    No, so much more. Mind, body and spirit and very healthy.


  7. don’t have enough time to try and ‘get’ all of this today, but I do understand “Brain Go Pop”. Maybe I try and figure it out tomorrow. Sorry I no comment more recently.


  8. Hi Arkay, not to worry about reading and commenting and all of that. Come by whenever you have the time. It’s all good.


  9. dame

    the beauty of a little garden is mother nature does most of the nurturing. i promise.
    yanno how i know when i’m depressed? my house plants commit suicide. that’s how!
    but really, i too am well versed in the occasional black thumbage, my friend.
    but there’s nothing like pulling some fresh, warm tomatoes and basil from a tiny plot where summer storms have done the watering for you. =)
    thinking of you (and knowing you can produce produce. heh. silly, huh?)
    be well, lil girl. me thinks you have more capabilities than you’re aware.


  10. Hi dame. We do have some flowers that already bloom in my wee backyard area. They were planted…when? I have no clue. I haven’t lived here that long.

    My wee backyard area is tremendously wee, though. It already has two large trees and a really, ugly shed in it. *laughing* Although, I do like to sit outside there when the weather cooperates.

    You are hilarious about your plants committing suicide! Well, at least you’re not a “green,” homicidal maniac like me! Although, as you say… I’ll bet you I’m worse, though. My problem is, I just end up treating them like “furniture” and forget!

    “…produce produce…” *laughing* Hey, repetition is all good around here. God knows I do it enough!

    Thanks again for your support, dearie.


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