Archive for May 2nd, 2009

I feel I need to write this post, not to belabour what I did last night but because this particular version of self-harm is arguably (I would say definitely) the most misunderstood, frightening, shameful etc… act for those who do it and everyone else in the psych world–even the entire world altogether!

However, it needs to be discussed, brought out of the closet, have a big, giant spotlight shone upon it…that is just how I feel as I am a huge, mental illness “Stigma Buster.”

The last time I did a cutting, I was speaking to Merlin #1 about it and I really couldn’t offer up much to say as to “why.”  I always say, every cutter has a story.  They each have their own reasons as to why they do it and it can be extremely complicated.

As I lay in bed last night after doing it (and remember, this was a conscious choice–not like my typical pattern of them being very impulsive) I tried to think about the psychology of what I had done.  Perhaps a decent way to explain it; why I had actually “chosen” to do it.  Or perhaps, that my brain had somehow said: “You need to do this.”  I know, it sounds very strange but welcome to the land of psychology, right?

I thought about the contrast of physical pain and mental pain.  Is there a difference in what one can feel between the two? That would depend upon the individual, yes? I have a very, high, physical pain tolerance so I am pretty sure of the answer to that question as far as I am concerned!

Based upon that, my cutting wasn’t exactly letting the emotional pain “out”  and “making it a physical reality,” as some of the psychology has been noted.  Even some cutters would admit to such as well.  That notion is that it hurts so much inside of you, you need to hurt your physical self.  No, that isn’t quite right in terms of what I did and why.

Yes, I had a “choice.”  I have had that “choice” for a little while now.  Nonetheless, last night I reached a point where I realized the cost was worth it for some balance.  I know, again, this sounds very strange.  Bear with me.

If you are in terrible, physical pain, you may have some options of medications, some kinds of other treatments, to ease it.  What if your mental pain is so severe that you just can not! True, there are coping mechanisms: snapping elastic bands, holding ice cubes tightly, counting numbers back and forth and forth and back…all sorts of things.  I could have done that too? But no.

This is now (finally…thank you if you have made it this far) where I can try and explain why I did what I did.  The “balance” I was trying to achieve can be likened to taking complete control over your own body in a way that is just as powerful as the pain you are experiencing.  In doing so, you negate the pain–almost wipe it away! It may only be a temporary solution but it is still what you feel you need to do.  You feel you need to do it because things are so out of control that you need to somehow manage to gain control. And the only way to do that, is through your own body. It is the only resource that you have, that you can truly take full control of, so you use it.  It may be similar to an Eating Disorder?

Do not get me wrong.  I don’t like cutting.  As I have oft said, I wish I’d never started in the first place! And Stigma Buster that I am, I certainly don’t “advocate” it! However, I do know that what I did last night released a lot of pain and even though I am not thrilled about doing it, it did help.  For the third time, I know, it sounds strange.

I’ll toss in one more thing as well from a scientific point of view.  Cutting releases endorphins.  A temporary euphoria but I really don’t believe people are engaging in cutting to get an endorphin rush.  There are other ways to do that and I think when people do engage in this, they really have a lot more on their minds.


This might ring a few bells from the past and it’s going to be categorized under “Cutting” anyway  but as per the above.  Please! Pay Attention!

For the first time in my life, I actually stood in my hallway outside the bathroom and pondered doing a cutting.  My cuttings have always been very impulsive.

Well, I am writing this and I don’t think any of you are idiots so…  Decision made.  Incision made.

Let’s just say, I “did” what I did before out of necessity but it wasn’t as severe.  I know, I’m being an arse and some of you may be wondering what the fuck I am talking about!

When I did my last cutting, I sutured it myself.  Yes.  Very extreme and again, I can not repeat it enough, never, ever try and do this yourself! It may sound hypocritical but I know how to do it, I did it as best I could and I was fine.  And this time, I will be as well.

I have been under extreme, emotional circumstances and I did not want things to get this far but they did.  Sometimes as someone who self-harms…it can just happen.  It’s not like I wanted it to.

Just like the last, I am sure I will be able to remove my sutures tomorrow and the cut will be fine for Steri-strips.

However, none of you…none of you do this!

Some people may think, why are you making his post? It’s so “triggery” and you might just “give people ideas?”

No.  This is my blog and I can blog about my pain. It is just like anything anyone else can read elsewhere.  I have given enough warnings and cautions both here and before, the first time.

Not to mention, I don’t think a lot of cutters would have either the acumen or the stomach to do it anyway.  That is not meant as an insult, I just think it may be true.