…oh, bugger the hell out of it! There’s only bad news.  Really.Fucking.Bad.News.

I lost Merlin #1 today.  I will no longer be seeing him.  I will not get into why or any goddamn, cocksucking, eat donkey shit, bloody details as they are obviously confidential and personal.  No, definitely out of respect for my dear Merlin #1.

I knew something was up as I saw Merlin #2 the other day and he had received an “odd” message from Merlin #1.  He asked me if I knew anything about it and I said that no, I had no clue.  However, I would be seeing him today so I would find out.

Well, shove a TNT-loaded, telephone poll up my ass and light the fuse! Boy, did I find out! God, when we talked it through, I could barely get my words out at all and I was st-st-st-st-st-st-stuttering all over the room–that room which I will NEVER SEE AGAIN!!!

So we tidied up all outstanding issues and I went to leave.  He reached out to shake my hand and said: “It’s been a pleasure working with you.”

“…working with you.”

Indeed.  Our relationship went way beyond a “Doctor-Patient” one.  It was more like a collaborative “Doctor-Doctor” one.  He told me to keep in touch and let him know how I was doing.  I said I would and we could go out for tea!

Thankfully I have Merlin #2 and a “Doctor-Doctor” relationship there, as well.  He’s a good man.

I tried to hold back when I left his office but I just couldn’t.  I completely burst out into tears.  I tried to gather myself for my public transit ride home but…varying degrees of success for that.

It can be extremely traumatic for a psych patient to lose a physician, therapist etc… who treats them.  Extremely!

Fuck!!! Fuck!!! Fuck!!!

It took me so long to find Merlin #1 and he’s such a love.  I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to the receptionist when I left as she must have gone on break.


  1. (((((((((((((((((PA)))))))))))))))))


  2. Hi Arkay, wow! A lot of hugs there. I don’t think I can count them but all appreciated.

    I am still quite teary.

    I was also thinking about this Post and maybe some people might be saying or thinking, “Well, you still have Merlin #2!”

    It’s not about that though. I’ve lost someone very important in my life and also the whole goddamn situation surrounding. I guess you could say I am mourning? Or in the process, thereof?

    I wrote a poem for him. It may sound silly but it is about us and I am going to send it to him.

    Maybe it’s crap but if I may say so, entirely about our relationship, a bit of humour, some sadness and…yes, I guess some sweetness, too.

    Thank you again and hugs back.


  3. Further comment: I’m going to add more categories as per all of my diagnoses. Especially, Bipolar. Let’s hope this “Trigger” doesn’t throw me into some kind of cycling madness.


  4. raginggenius

    I am in sort of the same boat. I fired my doctor because his wife took over the front desk and couldn’t figure out how to make an appt. and since his office is an hour away, it was no small screw up, especially after finding a sitter for my kid, get to the office and that @!$%! says “you no have no appt today” Then I show her my appt card with her writing on it and ask “WHO IS THE CRAZY ONE HERE?” This kept happening every month, so instead of strangling her I just said “Screw this”. I saw this guy for 5 years! So I am off to see some Indian woman, YIKES!!! I think I would be better off just drowning!!! Not having a good Dr. SUCKS!!! Since the birth of my son my Bipolar has gone from a 3 month cycle to a 3 hour cycle and I am driving everyone out of their minds. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! :)


  5. raginggenius

    Also, I can only write poetry when I am sad…. I will check back in on you, hope you get to feelin’ better too.. TRG Let’s hope I get totally Manic soon so I can get back to painting… :)


  6. I”m so sorry, hun! That beyond sucks ‘eh. I mean I’m sure it was for good reasons and whatever but that doesn’t necessarily help you clean up the mess. Gosh, tough to walk into the not knowing. Ugh. Last thing you needed, really.

    *big hugs and good vibes headed your way*

    E if you want to vent/sob but most of all just take good care of yourself.


  7. Hi raginggenius. I am sorry to hear about your doctor woes as well. Although, I didn’t “fire” Merlin #1. I wouldn’t have given him up for the world. On the other hand (as in your case) I do understand the complete frustration of not being able to find good doctors. I’ve been through the wringer, there.

    Interesting about your “motivation” for poetry. I suppose I can write under any type of “emotional” situation…I just need some sort of creative force…actually, sometimes even not? Maybe I’ll just be sitting and thinking and an idea pops out and BANG! There’s a short story.

    Not that it may be any good mind you… I am thinking of one specifically and I have no clue where the story idea came to me. It just did! Very odd for me as I usually plot things out. Or at least have some, vague idea as to the story line–although things may take a twist as I am writing it.

    Wow, I’m going off into prose territory. Poetry? It’s rather funny. I used to struggle with it so much. I could never write it but then…something happened! And now it is pretty much the first thing I will play around with. Before it was always prose.

    Thanks for offering to come back and check in on me. Not feeling so well so far but I have just gotten up. I would like some tea but still a little frightened in that area due to the vomiting. I had a small bit yesterday and was fine so I think today I should be as well? Right now, diet gingerale.

    Hi Catatonic Kid. Thanks, love. Yes, trying to keep a close watch on the “mood meter” to make sure things don’t start to get (too) out of control. However, I’m still teary today.

    I don’t know what that means. Well, I guess a mourning process? Or part thereof?


  8. Ameroux

    So sorry, wee PA. Losing a good doc is the worst. You’re definitely in mourning; let it be, let it roll, let it bleed. You just have to let it happen, there’s no shortcut. Sending you hugs and prayers.


  9. Hi Ameroux. Thank you so much for your comment and support. It really means a lot. True, I suppose there is nothing I can do but just…well, exactly as your comment said?

    Thanks again,


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