Just A Matter of Time…
I was up here making my last incoherent Post as it stands (or stood?) and then…?
Yes. Just like my last Post about cutting: “It Was Time.”
Do not mistake. I don’t mean to go overboard and make it such a dramatic event. However, I must admit, it was a bit of a dramatic…pivitol…”point” in my cuting career.
It was the first time in my life that I felt and decided that I needed to cut. I needed to do it to release the pain. All of my prior cuttings had been very impulsive and I had never really understood them, why I did them.
Tonight? Another.
And it was just like the last I described above. But of course not for the exact same reasons, no. No.
I just think about it and the “motivations.” At least for me as I have done this, well, several times. And if you are a first time reader surfing through this Category, yes, I have sutured myself twice when I have cut.
Don’t do it. I just know how to and I can do it.
So PA did a cutting again. She used J.’s First Aid Kit and then she’ll fix herself when she get’s home. It’s not a bad cut. As per her last Cutting Post, as hard as it is to understand, if you can’t get the pain out any other way than sometimes that is just what you need to do. Let it happen. t’s not always a lot of fun but it’s okay. Pain has to have an outlet.
How long is this Post? Are you sick of you me talking so much?
Sorry…
Okay, I think I’ve managed to proof this but any errors, sorry. Wee, PA tired. Surise coming up now.
Because I’m so messed and everything overlaps maybe I should hit a bunch or my Categories.
The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
Currently Reading (Bless My Stims!)
Too many things at once. My ADD is running full throttle.
However...
MORE GENEROUS AWARDS
I'm really a girl though.
Here are some more given to me where I had a complete memory lapse. I think I got the hovers correct like the above!
Dr. PA Available For Consultations: General Medicine Plus Specialty in Neurology From Harvard
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at her email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case 
June 8, 2009 at 14:12
why the fuck are your ‘friends’ letting you get wasted on an empty stomach?
pa, you’ve gotta stop drinking. you’ve got enough debatable chemistry flowing thru you as it is. booze can throw you into a coma!
i don’t get it, these friends of yours, inviting you out to booze it up.
if a coma doesn’t scare you, think about something like a stroke — yanno, something that’s gonna physically disable you forever. will your friends be around to spoon feed you then?
sorry to be harsh, but someone has to tell you that you’re fucking with the firepit in the worst way.
you need to tell your doctors how you’re self medicating with alcohol before you really fuck yourself beyond repair.
LikeLike
June 8, 2009 at 19:20
Hi dw. Time for some Tough Love, huh? Well, for one we had dinner. That was the purpose of me coming over. So my stomach wasn’t empty. I’m sick and have been battling another infection and fever today and I am still at J.’s. I can’t see me writing anything up there about not eating.
I was up late writing this post as we had missed proper transit connections, times and since it was so late, I decided to stay over. It would have taken me so much longer to get home. J. had fallen asleep and I could not sleep.
And now for the meat of the response. Yes, I have a self-medication history. Yes, I can overindulge when I do drink. Yes (as always) I am trying to work on it. I have never lied or been deceptive about this issue (or that of Cutting either.)
Now, that being said, I am not trying to sound “boastful.” However, addiction and/or self-medication is/are cloaked in so much shame so at the very least, these Posts (written under the influence or not) may serve as testament to just how much a fuck up I am (or how much fucking up I am doing!)
At least I’m not hiding my issues here. The entire world can read over the Internet just how awful this whole thing is!
To add further, simply look at our exchange. Do you think this is all fun and games for me? Do you think I enjoy waking up with the guilt…the shame as I said above? And then to hear your voice in my head (or see your words on the screen) yelling at me. Yep, this sure is fun!
I’ll get even more “personal” and bring J. into it. He also has self-medication issues and a family history of alcoholism as well as myself. Indeed. We can make a fine couple when we get together! However, we realize our issues and deal as best we can.
I’m not denying what you are saying is true. Of course I shouldn’t be self-medicating with alcohol (or any other drug) but it’s a difficult process. Talk to anyone else out there who has to carry the same burden. You can’t just snap your fingers and “make it go away.”
I was actually going to “make this Post go away” and delete it but you commented. And so it shall stay.
And it’s not like I have all of these friends taking me out and getting me all drunk or whatever. Last night, at J.’s for dinner, too much wine and I did another very small cutting–after a hell of a lot I’ve been through over the past little while.
And note, the alcohol and the act of Cutting aren’t related. Not really, I don’t think. Because of the pain, I may have been dissociating a bit. No, matter.
So, I thank you for your reminder, advice and thoughts re: my drinking as always.
LikeLike
June 8, 2009 at 20:20
PA, I understand how you feel here, even if I haven’t experienced the feelings to the same depth or for as long as you have.
You know what I think, that I agree with dw. The thing is, the drink can get you away from the feelings for a night, but over time drinking actually makes things worse, not better.
I think you should have a discussion about what to do about it with the doctor, and see if you could benefit from the services of a psychologist. It’s not all on the meds, honey, talking things out can help.
Take care of your wonderful mind.
LikeLike
June 9, 2009 at 10:41
pa, please forgive me if you felt i was being hard on you. that’s not the case at all. you did state: “I dragged myself to my friend J.’s for some food (that I was too depressed to eat) so I simply drank wine instead.” hence my drinking on an empty stomach remark.
i have no intention of antagonizing your situation(s) but my concerns were simply that: concerns. perhaps i misinterpret what has always appeared to me to be your desire for better health and better quality of life. i don’t think it’s necessarily kind and/or responsible to leave comments such as ‘oh, i’m sorry. you’re helpless. i wish things were better for you’ when it seems you’re screaming inside for some direction for better.
this is why i don’t blog as i once used to — objective concern is seldom well received. of course i am incapable of truly ‘understanding’ you and your situations. however, i’ve read you rather consistently for some time, and you do in fact put this information out there for some input; otherwise you would probably keep a personal journal for your own use and means to track your progress.
before i close, let me remind you that i strictly commented based on what you wrote, and what you’ve written in the past. should you interpret that as criticism of you, personally, you misread me. as for your relationship with your friend, i’m not qualified to judge, and i don’t. if your co-dependence is necessary, that’s understandable. i simply wish you had a more productive support system — easier said than done, i know. and i do empathize. however, attempting to guilt me by stating ‘do you think this is fun for me?’ etc., etc.; well, that’s kinda crappy on your part, but again, you’re apparently defensive about the drinking, so again, i understand. however, you have acknowledged the problem of self medication — you want concern, you want attention to these matters that hurt you deeply, yet when it’s legitimately brought to your attention, you qualify acknowledging it as anger or ‘yelling’. i’m not angry with you, nor am i yelling. if anything i’m frustrated for you. because your mind is as sharp as you demand it to be, and your heart is huge, but your actions are potentially dangerous. and you shouldn’t be hearing this from some stranger on a blog, you should be gently hearing it within the company you keep. those who claim to care for you in reality. i honestly do wish you the best. i’m not some self righteous asshole giving you a hard time, and i’m not going to have you respond to me as such. i’m just a long time reader that probably became a little too invested in your well being based on what you’ve written. i’m sure there’s far more to the story of which i’m unaware. so i’ll shut up now. and good luck to you in the future. really.
LikeLike
June 9, 2009 at 14:31
Hi asdquefty, thank you for your comment and your thoughts. You are right in the “relief” or what not, in the short term but over the long term, it definitely has its consequences.
Thank you for your support.
Hi dw. I may repeat some things I already wrote to you but that may be for the benefit of others to read as well. I am not sure. However, the first is my most sincerest of apologies to you.
The Posts I wrote were clouded to me so I did not capture what I wrote earlier regarding eating. Thank you for bringing that remark to my attention.
I do understand that your concerns are exactly that. And I know that you would never “antagonize” me. Nor do I think you are criticizing me. You are too good a person for that. I know you.
It is not so much that “objective concern” isn’t received so well on my end. It is just that things can get so muddled when it is a “hot button” or sensitive issue–perhaps, most especially, when you are in the throes of it. Regardless, I do understand and hear what you are saying.
J. is a good man and has helped me so much and stood by me whereas no one else has been there ever since I lost my job in April of 2008. That hasn’t been the only thing he has helped me through, as well. Sure, we may bring out the worst in each other at times but I can not and will not throw him away. I do not do that to people. We are trying to engage in activities that do not involve alcohol. We really are, even though that may sound like a load of rubbish from two people who tend to drink more than they should.
I never meant to make you feel guilty in what I said about you “yelling” and me saying, “oh, do you think it’s fun…” and all of that. Again, a “hot button issue?” That was not fair of me to throw it all back on you and “conflict” really isn’t my game. You probably know that about me from reading my blog enough?
And no, you are not some “self righteous asshole.” Please! The fact that you did respond as you did and now are writing again in response, proves that you are not and how much you still care!
And you don’t have to “shut up,” either! Never! No one needs to “shut up” around here. Except maybe me. *rolls eyes* However, I never will either…
Don’t leave. Please.
God, I’ve made a bloody mess here and I know this is messy and my life is messy but it is NOT your fault.
Keeping a journal? Oh, dear. I am so terrible at that! I have tried but with no success. Part of the problem is that my blog may be my journal? *rolls eyes again*
So, back to working on this as I was before…I was trying. Some people knew. At least one that I had spoken to about it.
A nasty relapse that this has obviously proven to be.
LikeLike
June 15, 2009 at 03:42
hi iv never been here b4 but i am a self harme have been
for a long time at my age i wonder wot drives us to vis feeling..
i fully understand how gd it can feel as you place the blade against yr flesh and open it up,.
for me it the blood i love to see myself bleed and the instant relief i get when i cut is so profound and admired that once you get in your head you wan2 cut tonite or rite now it takes over given into these feelings is so easy..
i remember cutting well my family were in the lounge it was more a rush but i hid it well cutting my chest,upper arms.stomach..
im a recovering bulemic and alot of my cutting i would tell myself i was losing fat..
(if ya knw me youd knw im not a fat guy nor ever hav been im size 5 jeans new zealand women size)
btu i was sop comsummed by my mind playing tricks onme that i failed to see the bones etc..
but anyway its cool to hav somewher wher we can just all talk abt it and not be beaten down..
i do not suggest cuttin as i feel i cant be saved from it mearly prolonged to it,,..
LikeLike
June 16, 2009 at 17:11
Hi sean. I see I have yet another newcomer so welcome.
Thank you for sharing your story regarding this issue and I am glad that you feel the same way that I do. We need to be able to have a space to be able to talk about this. Bust the stigma!
I have always maintained that every cutter (or self-harmer) has their own story to tell, reasons why they do it and you have made a very valuable contribution by adding yours here.
You do ask a very good question as well. What drives us to do it? Sometimes it is clear to us, sometimes it is not…it really can be a difficult question to answer.
Thank you so much again and take good care of yourself. Since you are new too, feel free to come back anytime.
PA
LikeLike