Yes, I admitted myself to hospital and that is why I have been in absentia if anyone has been wondering.  I am home now and it seems that baby MacBook needs to go to hospital too.  I guess I infected him as well. *PA hangs head*

I wrote it all up as I was there.  The Good, Bad and the Ugly.  In retrospect (linkbating…) ugly. However, I should post everything chronologically.  That would be best.

I am not well.  At least, as a “tease,” they discharged me too early.  The story of my life.  You will see as you read, “The Chronicles,” if you wish.

They are really just long posts since obviously I wasn’t there for an extended period.  Plus, another I still need to write but I just got home today and tried to get baby MacBook working.

So…erm…PA Brain Go Boom.  And there’s some Rockin’ Aspie Shit in there too.

Oh, sorry.  More linkbaiting.

Just wanted to let everyone, anyone, whomever know that I was back.  If they noticed.  Some people get a bit freaky if people disappear.  If you didn’t miss me, well, I’m back anyway. *shrug*


  1. I did miss you, and I was starting to worry. Good to see that you’re okay.


  2. Hi Asdquefty. Thanks. Me? Okay? Well, not so much. I still spent a bit of time crying last night and am doing so now as J. wanted me to come over for dinner tonight.

    I can’t. I can barely move because I am so exhausted. I feel like uber-crap. Almost to the point of being physically ill.

    Why am I crying? I knew he would take offense to me declining even though I am not well enough to travel or leave the house (just yet…) I told him I needed time to get my shit together. He said, “You’ve been saying that for a year now!”

    I told him that was not exactly what I needed to hear right now as it just makes me feel like more of a loser. He said that if I felt I made him feel like a loser, fine! Click! He hung up on me.

    I called back (crying) and said not you, the words.

    Oh, and more shittiness. baby MacBook’s hard drive is fried. I have lost everything. No W00t.


  3. findingmecrazy

    Well Portrait of a Dreamer is now full of Jane Eyre quotes to fool google into deleting the old pages or whatever – La explained it all to me! But you’re welcome to add findingmecrazy to your blogroll instead, there are quite a few people who can read it.

    I did notice and I’m glad you’re back and yes a few people were concerned when my blog was deleted for a few days. But new blog now!

    How are you feeling now? Any better? Well if you admitted yourself to hospital then I guess at least you’re clued in to how you’re doing, it sounds like it was the right thing to do. All the crying sounds horrible, I hate crying loads, but sometimes you just have to cry and often unfortunately other people just don’t understand.

    Look after yourself, ok? Lots of rest will hopefully help. And I will be back to read the chronicles! Take care.


  4. Hi findingmecrazy. Nice trick with the Jane Eyre. Maybe I’ll keep “Portrait” up just for my own Jane Eyre pleasure. However, sure, I’ll toss up “finding…” as well as that way I can keep track of it/you, too.

    Thanks for noticing that I was gone for a while there.

    With a resounding, screaming NO (if I had the energy) I am not feeling any better. I think I am actually feeling WORSE! Hey, if I don’t have the energy or drive to scream out loud verbally, I can at least do it via screen?

    I’ve still been teary today… It is so odd as it takes (or took?) a lot to make me cry but I sort of owe a very special person for kind of opening up that part of me and more so that…well, the floodgates open more easily now.

    Yes, “The Chronicles!” Not quite as intense as my last stay as I didn’t have a computer onsite, however, I did write every day lest one. And that one I will compose now that I am home.

    Indeed. Lots of rest and again: “Time.” I am growing to loathe that word and would very much like to remove it from my personal lexicon. Nonetheless, what other choice do I have? God, I can barely even move today. No, not kidding. I’m practically paralytic on my bed and have only answered comments all day here and had tea.

    I hate this.

    Thanks, Hannah.


  5. I did not freak out, I understood, and I am glad you went out before than what you thought, cause it means you are better than what you thought. Besides being admitted in hospital might help you stop an acute crisis, but It wont help you deal with real life outside the hospital.
    Big Hugh, and keep fighting for whatever it is that you do fight for (But mainly for governing your own life as you want it to be governed).


  6. Hi mariana. Thanks for not freaking out but I believe that is about the other issue? Or not? Either way I suspect it is as you are still here. If you were going to tell me to fuck off, you would have the decency to tell me so–you’re that kind of person!

    That sounds funny. “Have the decency to tell someone to fuck off.”

    I’m sorry everyone, I just woke up from some pretty crazy sleep and dreams so this may not be making any sense. Or much.

    Regarding the hospital stuff, Mariana (I know, people are probably saying WTF?) you are right. I know this, too. I do have to fight but I need to take a bit of time to get things together to do so.

    Again, I keep saying as I post what I wrote while in hospital and how I was treated, everyone will see how fragile I am now because of that. So I can’t just jump right back into “real life.” I want to but I can’t just “make it happen” like that! It’s a day by day thing, right?

    Thank you for the hugs and big hugs back to you.

    Oh, and I lost my hard drive. Everything is gone. All of my pics, MY WRITING!!! Some pics I can retrieve from other places like gmail, my blog and well, I don’t know if my DSLR software has any sort of backup feature–unlikely.

    The writing? *PA wants to cry* I may be able to retrieve some from various places but not everything.

    So to anyone reading, don’t be an idiot like me and do your backups regularly!


  7. Ameroux

    Dear PA, I’m so sorry all this is happening to you. I didn’t notice you were gone, but only because I was “gone” myself. I didn’t go to the hospital, but I did my version of the same thing, which is go to bed and cry for several days. I saw my doc yesterday and even though she didn’t really have answers for me, I feel somewhat better. I don’t know why, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I think you’re a beautiful soul and hope you can believe that about yourself. Take care ~Ameroux


  8. Don’t doubt for a second that if I have to I will have the decency to tell you to fuck off, although I would probably use softer words. But I do not want your to go and fuck off at all, I want you to be well, and keep in touch.
    Sorry about the HD
    another hugh


  9. Hi Ameroux. Oh, I’m sorry you were laid up in bed, crying and doing “your version” of a hospitalization. You know what, though? I can relate to that myself. Absolutely.

    I’m glad you are feeling better and I know it can be frustrating even after seeing our physicians and a lot of times they can offer no more than a shrug of their shoulders or a quizzical expression on their faces. However, they are human as well and really, what are the answers sometimes? Maybe we will never know?

    A beautiful soul? Thank you. I don’t even know what to say…other than…well, yes, thank you and so are you? I think we have a lot of beautiful souls hanging around this place. Or at least I’d like to think so.

    Take care, hon’

    Hi mariana. I know. You are a straight shooter. You make me laugh, do you know that? I am just thinking of you now, yelling at me and really giving me shit! In Spanish, too!

    Oh…damn! Speaking of Spanish, I need to translate that comment you sent me. I never did because my head exploded first. Eek!

    No, I don’t think there will be any “fuck offing” or even with gentler words. At least not on my part.

    Hugs back to you too, sweetie.


  10. findingmecrazy

    Hey, how are you feeling today? I hope you’re a little better at least! I know what you mean about the crying floodgates opening, I can’t go on a night out anymore without dissolving, it’s upsetting for me that it happens and other people never know what to do.

    Unfortunately, the majority of things seem to need time to heal them, or at least time for other people to think you’re coping. I think saying you just need time is supposed to be reassuring but it doesn’t really sound reassuring does it.

    And I’m sure lots of people did notice that you weren’t here for a while

    Hannah x


  11. Hi findingmecrazy. I’m still not sure. I think bouncing back and forth with my Stims is fucking me up. Major tummy problems between being off one and then immediate release and then on another extended… They are all the same (Methylphenidate) but all are metabolized differently for me.

    I think that is causing me some roller coaster problems.

    Oh, I’m sorry that you shed tears so often (although I know it is healthy and a release.) However, yes, it can be so hard around others and that they don’t know what to do. That can make it even harder as you feel more upset! When I “cry” I tend to run and hide. It takes a lot to make me cry and when I do–I just want to disappear sometimes. I… Well, it’s so hard!

    Yes, hide, disappear. I need to trust someone very much to really let go with them unless I’m having a total meltdown (and that lends itself more to the Asperger’s.)

    Oh, what a mess it all is! Trying to deal with what should be “alright” and yet we can’t! OMG that is so fucked up!

    I hear you on the “time” thing. In its “true essence,” you do need time to heal. Like all of that with an unseen injury, broken bone analogies and all. However, you are right that in the immediate, it does not feel very reassuring in time’s sense!

    That is the problem with time!

    Not to mention, you’re flipping out, feeling like you’re going to lose it, etc…etc…etc…

    Thanks for thinking that people noticed I was gone for a bit. Who knows? Some read my blog? Some commented? Some just hit the “Next Button?” I have no clue.



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