Archive for June 24th, 2009

NOTE: All links to this series may be found at the end of these posts.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Is there a difference between “not being able to talk” and “not wanting to talk?” Is it the same thing for an Aspie or anyone else on the Spectrum? I know I’ve had a feeling deep down, way deep down inside when I know I just cannot.  However, this morning what I felt was weaker.  Like it was somehow softer or muted.

Well, boy did I fucking get non-verbal later! The nurse and the Social Worker came to get me and I grabbed my notebook and pen.  I began to write: “Asperger’s Non-Verbal.”  Before I could even finish, the Social Worker said straight out: “PA! I am not writing back and forth!”

I grabbed my notebook in fierce defiance and wrote in even larger letters:


She repeated this “verbally.”  Clearly, this Social Worker has no concept of the Autistic Spectrum.  I don’t know about the nurse as she seemed to follow suit as…  The Social Worker kept trying to “reassure” me that I could talk.

“PA! You can talk! PA! You can talk!” However, her “reassurance” was more like some sort of command as if I was being punished or scolded like a bad dog who had done nothing wrong–by a highly irresponsible pet owner.

I felt my blood start to boil.  If I wasn’t “able to talk,” well hell! You want to see me, then? You want me to try and talk???

My throat seemed to almost close completely, I started bawling and sobbing all over, I was stuttering and shaking, I could barely get anything comprehensible out of my mouth.  OMG! I even started to flap my hands back and forth as a stim!!! I have never done that!!! I am bawling again even as I write this.

They let me go after I was falling apart all over the place but not before the Social Worker told me there was a box of tissues on the table in front of me.  Oh, piss off you stupid, fucking cow! I’m not retarded!!! I CAN see!!!

I went back to my room and curled up in a tiny, foetal ball on my bed still crying like mad.  I had totally covered my eyes with everything to somehow…?…I don’t know.  It was just an “urge” I had.  Just a feeling of: GO AWAY!!! The nurse brought me my Valium/Diazepam.  I sat up and wrote: “Dr.?” on my notepad.  She just said, “Yes, later.”

Now, I’m sorry.  Is it me here or is that not a bit traumatizing for someone on the Spectrum? Not to mention, I already had the biggest meltdown of my life only 24 hours prior! Or maybe this one is now my biggest meltdown?

EDIT: On the date of publishing this, during my conversation with P., he said the Social Worker basically pushed me over the edge and went way too far.  I’ve been too out of it and trying to get it together to ponder it in greater depth.  He said I should file a complaint.  Maybe review with Merlin #2?


I’m being discharged today! After stroking my ego and blowing smoke up my ass…fuck, me.  My inpatient Psychiatrist actually said that I am the most intelligent and articulate and blah, blah, blah… patient he’s known…  However, they don’t really deal with Asperger’s and I would do better with outpatient therapy.  This is a “Crisis Unit.”  Bye, bye, PA! Boy, does my moniker ever suit me now, huh?


I tried to mention at least something about my comorbidities but that floated off into the ether.

So, I can be a smart, fucking Aspie but I can’t be in “crisis” at the same time.  What the bloody hell does that mean?!?!

I wasn’t sure if I could be verbal when I saw him as I wasn’t earlier with the Social Worker, so I wrote up this while waiting as I was so pissed off:

I am writing this now in anticipation that I may be verbal when I speak to you. Earlier, I was not due to my Asperger’s Diagnosis. This can happen obviously with everyone on the Spectrum. I was quite disappointed with the fact that no one (the Social Worker in particular) was willing to assist in communication with me by writing. She kept insisting I speak and I wrote that you can not force or make someone do that.  I found it made me more upset even though I did try but I de-escalated in my mental state because of it as a result.  I am very disappointed by this.

You have probably read about my meltdown during my pass.  It was the worst ever.  Although the meeting today has left me crying a lot and it takes a lot to make me cry.  I am scared of how you people will treat me because of my illnesses.  This is a hospital for psychiatric care, yes?

I don’t know if I’m getting worse now.  Very upset.  Thank you for reading.


Does that not sounds like someone that needs help? I haven’t even been here for a week! I don’t know what to do. *PA crying* Well, at least Merlin #2 loves me, specializes in both child and adult Psych so I should probably book an appt. with him.  Maybe my GP, too.  She’s a sweetheart.

I’m scared.  Back out into the world! No choice, though.  Just sitting here waiting, too.  J. has my keys so he has to come here at least to give them to me.  I’m so fucking rattled that I’m sure if he has the time, he’ll hang out with me.


R. has been in and out of treatment today as I only saw him briefly on a stretcher, not in his wheelchair, not in his room, anywhere…  It’s now almost lunch and I hope he’s alright.  We’ll never get a chance to say goodbye personally! *PA crying* He was so sweet and we had so much fun at times.  He told me he wrote me a huge letter while I was on pass yesterday but I felt like crap and just went to bed.  He said he would give it to me today but…?

I wrote him a goodbye note *PA crying again* and walked into his room.  I didn’t know where to put it.  Then I found the perfect place.  I had picked up a couple of pine cones outside while wheeling him around and given them to him.  They were now placed in a plastic container with a damp towel to keep them safe and protected.  I put it inside the container.  Oh god, I don’t even want to think of him reading that note!

…just before I left, I saw R.  I was crying all over but I wrote on his notepad what happened.  At first, he was shocked and so sorry.  I wrote that I was too.  He told me to wait so he could get the letter he wrote me.  Oh, the tears! We exchanged telephone numbers too.  But the worst? The last image I saw as I walked out of that godforsaken place?

Lunchtime.  R.  No tray.  His head on the table.  Crying.  *PA crying*

Bloody hell! I can’t even bring myself to read his letter! Some time later! But that last image of him; the last way I saw him.  It’s now been imprinted, seared, burned into my brain forever.  And it hurts so much.

CODA: This week, R. was released and called me.  He’s still trying to learn how to use his telephone for the Deaf/Hearing Impaired but until then, we can use Operator Assisted Calling.  He doesn’t live far from me ironically, so I can visit him.  So, a tiny bit of happiness to end this horror show.

I still haven’t read his letter yet, however.

Hospitalization #7 – I – Getting Well

Hospitalization #7 – Part II – Uh Oh…PAs In Trouble…

Hospitalization #7 – Part III – One Friend Met?

Hospitalization #7 – Part IV – Cranky, Cranky PA!

Hospitalization #7 – Part V – The Post That Was Never Written

NOTE: All links to this series may be found at the end of these posts.

This was only written up in point form as I was in terrible shape.  I thought I could transcribe it into long form but never did so now I will.  It is for:

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Today is the day I am out on pass.  As I mentioned, I had planned this trip before I was hospitalized and thought it might be a good idea to go anyway.  Perhaps it would take my mind off things?

Actually, I went there last year and promised people I would show pictures on my blog but I never did.  They needed to be altered as PA is anonymous and it just never got done.  The place is a Wild Animal Sanctuary run by a woman who grew up with Learning Disabilities and this is now her dream come to reality.  Just about all of the animals are domesticated so are “hands on” (they have been rescued.)  The Sanctuary is not open to the public.  Its purpose is to be used as therapeutic treatment for people/kids with Special Needs, on the Autistic Spectrum etc…  I know.  Fantastic.

I had a great time last year but this year? Not so much.  In fact, well, once there…maybe a bit better but prior to arrival…? *PA hangs head*

The group agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant (the same plan as last year) and head up together.  I was a mess already but by the time everyone arrived, I became completely and totally overwhelmed.  The worst ever in my life.  A full-on Asperger’s meltdown!

Everyone’s voices all around me became so loud! I was completely surrounded by them and felt trapped! They began to fill my head as if nothing else was in it and the volume of their voices! It was almost painful! I felt myself starting to cry.  I couldn’t even lift my head to make eye contact with J. (it is through a group he/we belong to re: this trip.)  I ran out of the restaurant! J. just looked at me and said: “Smoke?”

As soon as I got outside, I just started bawling.  I was flipping out all over the place.  Another woman that I did know from the group that is friends with J. was familiar with the Autistic Spectrum.  She came out and had a cigarette with us and we talked for a bit.

Wow.  This was unbelievable.  It made me feel so…”different”…? It’s like, how do I fit into the human race? So violent a reaction that no one else had! To go running outside like the building is on fire while people are simply having lunch?

If I never understood what it feels like to have Asperger’s, I sure do now!

Once we got to the Sanctuary, we could spread out a bit so I could try and calm down.  But the photos! They are decidedly different from the ones taken last year! I either have total Aspie Face or am not even looking at the lens.  Well, in some I might have a smile.  Also, my hospital bands are visible! I couldn’t take them off for my pass! *rolls eyes*

By the time I got back, I was completely exhausted (and still rather a mess.)  I did not want any more social interaction at all! Well, I told my nurse about it make sure it was in my chart and I got my meds.  I also wrote about it to R. on his notepad and then just crashed.

Hospitalization #7 – I – Getting Well

Hospitalization #7 – Part II – Uh Oh…PAs In Trouble…

Hospitalization #7 – Part III – One Friend Met?

Hospitalization #7 – Part IV – Cranky, Cranky PA!

I just got off the phone with my friend P.  We have been playing telephone tag for some time now.  We talked for ages and needed to bring each other up to date–especially in light of me just being hospitalized.  For those that don’t know, I met him during my hospitalization before this last one–about two years ago.

Apart from all the goss, well, fuck.  I took him up to where I am taking you with “The Chronicles.”  We were exchanging “stories” of ill treatment from so called “Professionals” and something odd happened.  It all came back.  Even though I have it written down, when I was “verbally” expressing it…WHAM!

This was toward the end of our phone call and I started to go…  Voice trailing off, getting shaky…  P. could tell and apologized for the Trigger.  I told him that it wasn’t his fault.  I was stuttering by the time we ended and said goodbye.

Guess who has gone non-verbal now? Guess who has such a muddled head (more than before) that she can’t get anything straight in her mind? Guess who feels completely nauseous? Guess who has just taken a Valium/Diazepam to try and calm her fraying/ed nerves?

I know…I keep going on about “The Chronicles.”  More bloody linkbaiting for all of you.  I’m not doing it intentionally. *PA looks at notepad* There are only two days left.  Maybe I should just write up both and be done with it all.  However, it will probably be fairly long reads for everyone.  Nonetheless, you will finally understand why the whole ordeal was so completely devastating for me.

What I have written up to this point hasn’t really shown any of that.  I suppose only the business about how they messed up all of my meds? Only that degree of incompetence and lack of professionalism?

Well, I feel bad about continually keeping everyone in suspense.  I’ll try and write everything up now…crap.