Archive for June 27th, 2009

I need help.  No, I need some serious, professional help.  I wish I could just run into Merlin #2’s arms right now, crying like a little child but he’s away until July 09.  I need to try to get an appt. with my GP.  I don’t know how quickly I could sob my way into her loving arms as well.

I have been deliberately staying away from my blog (other than a quick check for any comments so as not to be rude.)  Writing about the hospital stay was easy as I had already done it all while I was there–granted, it still brought back such “happy memories.”  Still, apart from that blast last night/early morning, I haven’t seen much point in blogging.  Or anything, really.

I had mentioned spending one of those “can not move from the bed depression” days.  That was last Thursday.  Then a little more than 24 hours later I am pissed off completely (not at all like me?!) at such things I could not even mention here! What? Well, I think I know what.  I’m probably triggery as all hell, now? I’m pretty, bloody fragile?

Now, I am back to the bowels of the building of depression.  Although, not caring or having the energy to get out.  I don’t think I’m cycling but I’ll have to keep watch, I guess.  I don’t even care about that and you all know how hyper-vigilant PA is about monitoring her mental health!

So, that is one reason I decided to stop blogging…for a bit? Who wants to listen to the same drivel from a semi-suicidal, PA! Semi-suicidal? How to explain that one.  Not that I’m going to just throw myself under a train tomorrow but let’s just say when it gets this bad, the mind does start to wander…

Reason number two? I’m such a mess, despite the above, writing anything else? “Sane Face Blogging?” Or even just trying to “deviate” from my mental state? I have one prior post that I had made up before I went into hospital but I don’t even care about that.  I am spending most of my days nearly paralytic mentally and physically.

I don’t care about anything.  There you go.  Depression in its true essence and all its glory.

So, taking my own advice? Stop deluding yourself, PA, into thinking that “everything’s fine” and “you can handle it.”  Just move along and get back into the swing of things, just like that! *PA snaps fingers*

PA is always telling people that when they need help, go and get it.  Get it as soon as possible! I suck so much at therapy and all of that but I’m in a real hole.  I can’t get out of it without professional assistance.

If I had the resilience I’ve had in the past at times and maybe if circumstances were different–I wouldn’t even be writing this post right now.

This is not the time for me to write this post. Oh, no. I’m a goddamn, fucking wreck. I spent just about all of yesterday in bed unable to move, completely depressed…yes, you know it…immobile.

But wait a minute.  The earth tilted rather a bit too far on its axis–in the wrong direction.

I’m angry.  What? PA never gets angry! She suppresses everything! Any form of anger is directed within.

Well, I’m feeling pretty angry now but again, I’m not going to write about it as it will no doubt be misguided, misinterpreted…totally all shot out in wrong directions.

But at least I’m actually feeling angry? I can’t even remember the last time I felt angry at all.  Ever.  Well, maybe? Not like this, though.  Huh.

That’s a real thinker.

Angry (and now frustrated)