Archive for July, 2009

Last night, I met my third person from the blogosphere! W00t! Sandra K! We had a great dinner together and well, a couple of things about that.  The latter was actually pretty damn hilarious!

The former? Poor S.K.’s Entree wasn’t exactly up to par.  Rubber Risotto.  Our server came over and asked if everything was alright.  Well, obviously no.  He apologized profusely and offered to get anything else for either of us.  S.K. replied that she was actually quite full from her Appetizer.  Appetizer, indeed! It was like the mussels had muscles! I kept staring at the empty side plate as the shells kept growing and growing.  It was like a darkened version of K2!

After that, the chef came out with more apologies and then a quite decently presented dessert for us to share.  Good service is hard to find.

The latter portion of dinner? *PA still laughing so hard over this one*

I had a couple of sips of red wine left in my glass.  I was holding it by the stem as you do for red wine.  Not that I am some fabulous, wine afficionado but red is served at slightly, higher temperatures so you don’t hold it by the bowl of the glass.  White is fine for that as it is served at colder temperatures.  Anyway, I went to finish my wine as we were getting ready to leave and the glass literally flew out of my hand!

It landed across the room at least six feet away from our table.  Charming.

We were both, WTF???

Another server came running over, and everyone was, “Did you cut yourself???” No, I was fine but S.K. and I were both fighting so hard to stifle ourselves.  I think we were both also kind of confused and well, I know I was wondering if my arm or hand did some kind of bizarre, involuntary movement or if my brain just decided to turn itself completely offline for a bit.

The restaurant staff wrote it off to a crack in the stem.  No doubt? Eek!

We left and I asked, “Did I spaz out? Did you see me spaz out?”

She said, “No, I didn’t see you spaz out.”

I said, “Okay, that’s good.  I didn’t think I spazzed out!”

She responded, “No, no.  You didn’t spaz out!”

I swear to god.  Thank goodness we were tucked away in a bit of a nook and there wasn’t anyone else dining nearby in that direction! Could you imagine?

On the front of all the papers the next day, a huge photo of PA being led out of a lovely dining establishment in handcuffs.  The headlines blazing: “Local Mentalcase Accused of Murder by Wineglass!”

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t…

…get back up on its saddle and ride on it.

I had a horse almost fall on me.  It was quite the ornery thing.

I was at a kids birthday party and they had planned for all of us to go horseback riding.  Well, they chose this one for me (a mare–go figure) who wasn’t too many hands high.  In fact, I think they had to keep them all pretty low as we were just children, correct? Even still.

As soon as I got on this horse, not good.  She bucked and threw wee PA off, straight onto her back.  Someone rushed in quickly, scooped her up and out of harm’s way in case she got trampled.  A horse stomping on you could kill you.  Or at least cause some serious permanent damage?

From that day onward, I was frightened to death of horses! I think in my 20s, at some point, I managed to actually get close to one again.  Ah, yes.  I was trying to get over that fear and the lure of riding one along a beach, beside stunningly, beautiful ocean waters was too much to resist.  It sounds cliche but I assure you, it was a great environment for me to get over my phobia.

I still think about riding horses.  They are such beautiful creatures.  Not to mention so strong, powerful and extremely intelligent ones, too.  Don’t ever fool yourselves about that last one.  It’s absolutely the truth.  And because of all of those features, you can’t do much at all in the order of trying to…

…lead them to water and…

I am only online now as I need to “firm up some details.”  However, there is nothing firm about me at all right now! In fact, I’m really not sure how much of me is even here right now altogether.  I’ll be signing off as soon as I can get what I need to get done and will be back to everyone tomorrow.  As always, your patience is much appreciated!

I have now (I think) realized how people with chronic insomnia who barely manage to get by with a few hours of sleep a night (or less) can actually keep it together.  They have developed coping mechanisms! For a chronic insomniac like PA, who has great meddy-meds that knock her out quite well each night (yes, perhaps envied by other chronic insomniacs…)  Well, here’s where you guys can get the last laugh.

PA, too, will never sleep “properly” either.  So when things go awry for her in the sleep department…OMG!!! Her head can get really wingy! Why? I haven’t developed your coping mechanisms! I’ve never had a chance to develop them! I’ve never needed to as I have my meds!

Guess who got caught in a spot last night without her meds? Guess whose head has gotten pretty fucking wingy today? I think I may have experienced 87% of the human, emotional spectrum.  Well, roughly 87%.  And that was within the span of about five minutes at one point? *PA crosses eyes*

I went over to J.’s last night for dinner.  Why does every post I write containing that phrase always end in a train wreck? Well, realistically, the “train wreck” per se, is transit.  It takes me two hours to get there and if I don’t leave by a certain time, part of it closes and then…what, three hours? I think once, it was three and a half? I mean, two hours is torture enough!

But I was tired last night so I gave in.  Fine.  Gimme the couch.  Bloody hell! Gimme the couch for what??? J. took his meds and passed out in his chair while we were still talking! Super! Sweet Dreams Sleeping Beauty! *laughing* I know.  How mature, huh? I can’t take my meds so, J.? You can’t take your meds!

I put my broken-yet-jury-rigged iPod on to maybe relax.  I did catch a few fitful zzz’s but otherwise, a lot of ceiling staring and then “out the window staring” when the sun came up.  By that time, J. had left his chair.  Go upstairs? Oh, well look at Sleeping Beauty! I’m surprised he’s not sucking his damn thumb!

Maybe some food to boost my blood sugar? J. is a true bachelor.  Not much food around.  So, I grabbed his keys and went out for a walk and picked up some stuff.  A breakfast that promptly wreaked havoc completely on my entire digestive system!!! Great.  So now I’m a strung out zombie who feels like she going to barf any second.

Wait a minute.  Did J. accidentally overdose? It’s like 1100hrs!!! Nope.  Sleeping Beauty is still all cozy in his “wittle bwed.”  FUCK ME!!! At this point, I was debating leaving with just a note on his coffee table saying that his “Princess Uncharming” would call him later.  However, I felt that would be rude.  Not to mention, I wouldn’t be able to lock the door behind me.

Well, now! 1300hrs! Sleeping Beauty has arisen! Ugh.  We talked for a bit and I finally left.  We’ve got to stop playing this redonculous version of “Public Transit Russian Roulette.”  We just get too spastic and lose track of time! So as a result, I definitely need to keep a stash of my meds at his place.

Okay, it appears that my “business” is done, taken care of.  Yes? I think I going to take my blessed meddy-meds now and


Ugh.  I haven’t written anything in two days but it feels like an eternity! And nothing decent! I’ve got some links I’ve been meaning to check out that may have some sort of scientific merit.  I haven’t done that yet! I’ve got photos I want to do but I need to fiddle since baby MacBook died.  I haven’t done that yet!

At least my poor “Collaborator” got my stuff yesterday.  And I pumped out a whack of reading for one commenter regarding Ultradian Cycling.  That was good.  It made me feel like my brain wasn’t doing so much of the “Snail on Quaaludes” thing.

I’m actually trying to do some personal research for things as well that will get me out of the house.  I know.  You are all staring at your screens right now with your jaws on your keyboards and trying to pick up your eyeballs that are rolling around on the floor.  However, that’s proving to be a little difficult as they’re on the floor.  And thus, you can not see!

I’m tired though.  At least I’ve got some ideas running through my head?

Let’s Google one possibility and see if I’ve missed the deadline, shall we? Oh.  Whoops! That one was in May.  Bummer.  Perfect, though, as I’m not working right now.  Wait.  Me not working is not perfect!

That search was for something to do with photography.  My shots no doubt would have all sucked but logistically, all good.  I’m sure I could have pulled it off.  It’s just that no one would have come to any of my showings.  Because my shots would have all sucked.

Anyway, there are other things. *sigh* I just gotta check them out and do them.  That is, if they are still on the radar as well.  Help me along a bit until I can get my head screwed on (a bit more) straight to get back into the (fucking!!!) job market. *PA sighs again*

Methinks me iPod fucked.  At first, I thought it was my cord for my Sennheisers.  They have a removable cord from the output jack to the phones which is handy because basically the cord can break down.  The wires get bent and there goes your sound.  That is only $10 to replace.  However, it will take me a while to “travel” to the chichi store where I bought my Senns! My iPod is essential for “travel!!!”

So, I stopped and found these $6.00 earbuds on the way home yesterday to carry me over until I can get to “chichi place.”  They were a dual bonus as I can’t wear earbuds.  My ears are too small so they either hurt or fall out.  Not only were they $6.00 but the set had three different sizes of rubber attachments! I mean, a one year old baby could listen to their own damn MP3 player! Finally, someone realized people have small ears like PA!!!

So, I gave them a shot and wait a minute…FUCK!!! Same as the Senns! Sound keeps getting lost in left ear.  My jack on my iPod? Not to mention my Forward/Skip “Click” on my Scroll Wheel isn’t working so well, either.  I’ve been worrying about that dying at any moment for ages now.

With just about anything electronic, the cost of repair is hardly worth it in comparison to replacement.  Even to replace your battery via Apple is completely ridiculous! Granted there are other options out there.  Again, my iPod is an absolute necessity.  I need it to block out all of the stupid, sensory input from idiots around me.  It’s just too much to hear people yacking (mobile phone or to others around) children screaming and babies wailing.

I could call and get an estimate for some kind of repair to a fried output jack but that may be kind of a mess.  Not to mention labour?

A new iPod is going to cost me $300.  Probably more than a repair–if a repair can even be done? Let’s not rule that one out.  It could be fried completely.  J. is a total electronics guru so check with him.

Mine is a 5G 30GB and let me tell you, they are like Fort Knox.  You can’t get inside them! No little screws or anything! So I can’t even look at what the hell may make it tick.  Not like I’m some electronics expert myself but it certainly couldn’t hurt for me to have a peek.

Shit.  I’m still not working and $300 will make quite a dent in pocket.  However, I was just talking about jumping on a plane and heading to any bloody destination of my choosing.  Maybe I’ll do both? And I’ll have a working iPod to take along with me wherever I do end up travelling!

Well, my brain sure feels like one at times.  And no, I am not alluding to Simon and Garfunkel.  Although, that song does waft through my ears quite often when pondering my life.

Actually, that is what Merlin #2 said to me today when I saw him.  “I am a rock.”  Or rather, “You are a rock.”  In the past, he as also told me I am: “a fighter,” “really tough,” “a real survivor.”  I always say: “Thanks, hon'” or Thanks, love.”  Today he also called me: “My Dear.”

Right.  Now, it sounds like I am dating my psychiatrist.  We are not dating, don’t worry.  No ethical boundaries are being crossed.  Plus he’s a man! My GP on the other hand…  She’s pretty cute… *laughing*

Those things.  Those words.  Echoing in my ears.  Encouragement? Surely, not flattery. *PA scratches head* Well, either way Merlin #2, baby! I don’t feel the way you are describing me! As sweet as your words are or may be.

*PA pauses*

PA is tired.  The above is to illustrate for another time how blessed she is to have such a wonderful medical team.  Sometimes Dr. PA wonders if it is beyond collaborative as she often directs her own treatment.  I waltzed in today, threw the remaining sample bottles of the Seroquel/Quetiapine XR on his desk and announced with great disdain, “You can have these back!”

On we went to discuss the Road Trip Through Hell regarding that med change and then I firmly stated that no further med changes were needed.  I simply should go back to where I was and we will just continue to monitor things from present point forward.  His response?

“I agree.”

Thank you, my sweet Merlin #2.

One funny thing, though.  He asked me about my family.  Odd.  Treading toward some kind of…therapy a bit? Even though he will not be supplying me with it.  So, I gave him a quick brushstroke of another Road Trip Through Hell as far as that was concerned.

So, that is your current psych update? Just keep moving along…crap, I feel like I’m ready to move right along to my pillow about now.

Ms. Wizard?

There is nothing more rewarding (and embarrassing?) for me to receive an email from a reader that both compliments me (too much?) and asks me questions.  I received one several days ago and felt horrible for not responding sooner.  However, I was feeling so nuts, I needed to calm down a bit as I definitely could not offer any clear responses!

One of the things that made me chuckle is this reader gave me a bit of a nickname or “new moniker?” Apart from Dr. PA, like I don’t have enough already? However, all of those prior ones I have created for myself. No other reader has given me any.  No, I don’t recall so? At least not so formally–and not a reader or blogger that I don’t know personally! *laughing* Sure, they may have given me some! And not some I may call myself on my blog! *PA laughing harder*

So, perhaps I should add it as well to the list? And give it a trademark too? Still, the trademark should probably go to the reader.  I’m sure they won’t mind if I take it over myself, though. *wink*

EDIT: Duh.  Copyright.  See post written September 06, 2009 because I am stupid!

So, what the hell.  Ms. Wizard© Granted, I’m not quite sure I’m so deserving of that title!

Thank you so much for sending me such a lovely email.  I don’t really get that many but I always invite them from people who visit my blog.  I hope I could be of some help and I hope to hear back from you.

I went to lunch with J. today who could definitely tell I was still speeding along at a fair pace but certainly not headed for hell like yesterday.  That’s a good thing.

As I had mentioned to katm in an earlier comment (and in the earlier post and another prior) I have been thinking of just chucking it and jumping on a plane and taking a break from my life. Such as it is right now.  In fact, when I got laid off in April 2008, a friend suggested I do exactly that! Get away!

Run away? Well, no.  My shitty life would still be here waiting for me when I got home but…?

I discussed this with J., to much glee on my part–perhaps even his.  However, even though I haven’t yet “healed” from this “medical disaster,” I am seriously considering it.  No, I am!

My financials are rather horrific but so am I! What a perfect marriage? Isn’t that the time when you should do such things? Well, maybe not (when in a rational state of mind…)  Or, if you don’t give a rat’s ass about your credit rating.

There are certain places I could go where I know people.  I would like to think they would “welcome me with open arms?” They wouldn’t even have to put me up.  I could find some rat infested dump to stay in.  As long as they might be amenable to showing me around a bit?

Or, failing that, I could just bugger off on my own somewhere.  Not exactly my choice, as I used to be more adventurous when I was more out of my mind.  Wait a minute.  My med change just made me go out of my mind! You see? What a perfect marriage?

I think this might work, here.

Now, all I’ve got to do is some planning.  Or not.  Make some phone calls and if the people I know on the other end don’t pick up, okay.  If so, choose another destination and buy that ticket.  At the airport, when I land, ask for the cheapest, fleabag hotel.  Take a cab there and oh, yes! Don’t forget to get a map! PA has a horrible sense of direction.  She gets lost everywhere she goes.

Yes, screaming, exclamation points, bold font! This is not good.  The “Mandatory Four Hours Until Sleep Marathons” appear to have been just the beginning.  This med is almost working in reverse! And not in a good way! I called Merlin #2 earlier as I had to book an appt. with him anyway but oh my fucking…  What the hell? Reverse, indeed! And more!

Dammit! This all happened after I called him! I was alright getting up this morning and then a wave of the “spaced out” side effect just hit! Wait a sec’.  I’m over and done with that! *PA reaches for bottle of water* Yep.  Dry mouth.  That was basically gone too! Now, it’s back as well! The “more?” This is the not good stuff!

Apart from feeling totally spinny.  I’m completely anxious too and I also have the lovely combined feeling of everything racing like crazy as if I was a Human Stock Car.  Or maybe a Formula One? That’s not the only thing that’s clipping along at a wonderful pace, though.  My resting pulse seems to be running between 100-120bpm.  Either the drug or the anxiety or both? Either way, an equation of sorts as everything seems to be all wrapped up together with a pretty little bow from AstraZeneca!

I never experienced any of these problems with my “non-extended release” Seroquel/Quetiapine.

Oh…yes, the resting pulse? Perhaps not too much of an issue but Tachycardia? A minor mention of a side effect above 120bpm.  I see.  An adult’s cut off for resting pulse bpm is 100.  Perhaps, provided they aren’t some uber-athlete.  I’m not “uber-athlete” so a bit above and Tach. is…well…  I suppose it depends how far they are willing to take it beyond the 100bpm mark.  However, definitely above the 120bpm? Regardless, I can’t be dealing with all of this! Most especially feeling all speedy and what not!

*PA thinks of continuing med and treading near Bipolar’s edge* Unless she’s already there!!!

I don’t know if Merlin #2 will call me back.  The receptionist wasn’t there so I left the best VM that I could.  It is NOT a good idea to play with your meds, people.  I always say that but my appt. is not until Thursday! Three more days of feeling like this? Or getting worse? Yes, I am thinking of just going back to where I was before we made this change–my regular Seroquel.

I mean, bloody hell! I’m not going to go the ER! Just to say I want a med change that I know can be done like that? *PA snaps fingers* ‘Geez’.  Wait how many hours to speak to the on call psych when I have Merlin #2? It’s also a drain on the system.  This doesn’t require a hospital! It is just that these side effects are BAD and I damn well know it! Especially since the new ones today are enough to fucking pull the drug immediately!

So which is more irresponsible of me? Go back to what didn’t give me problems or stay on something that has the potential to…? Who knows where it might take me but I don’t want to find out! Believe me, I do agree with my own advice but this is dire…

Well, a Walk-In to see someone? If they’re open? A good option for all of us?

*PA tries to remember if GP works on Mondays*

W00t! GP is at work and her receptionist managed to understand PA with her unbelievable “pressured speech!” If you don’t know that term, typical for someone with Bipolar when they are (hypo)manic! So, phone number given, as GP said call if anything emergent comes up! I think this qualifies??? Okay, Dr. PA is no longer being hypocritical or irresponsible as she is going to bet GP will say, “Yank that thing and go back to what you were doing before!”

God, I was bemoaning about how crappy I feel these days and just wanting to get on a plane and go anywhere! Staying on this might just make me do it! Run off to the airport, buy a ticket to who knows where, with only a toothbrush and my credit cards! Shit, I’m so out of it, I’d probably forget my meds! Exactly.  Only a toothbrush.  Hell, I might just skip that too!

*PA stares at phone*

Oh, come on! The office is closed by now.  I’ve been sitting here for hours!

W00t! Of course, GP totally agreed with me.  And not that I needed to mention this to her but off I head to take a Valium/Diazepam to try and calm myself down!

Apologies for the state of this email, everyone.  I hope it didn’t annoy you too much but I’m a little out of my head.  If you couldn’t tell already.

So, this is what it all comes down to.  Or at least the next “stage in the game?” After being up just about all morning (no, didn’t quite catch the sunrise!) I am now taking my stupid sleep medication at dinner time! It is taking me around four hours or so to get to sleep! That is obscene! Absurd! I feel drowsy but nowhere near enough to getting close to sleepytime, beddy-beddy, nighty-night, b-th-b-th b-th…but that’s all folks! Now, what did I estimate the peak plasma levels? Six hours? My god! Do I have to wait roughly for peak plasma levels before I can even get to sleep???

Maybe I need a dose so high it would knock out a horse?

Even still.  Taking your sleep meds at dinner time.  Does that not sound just a trifle ridiculous to anyone else out there? Or maybe more than a hell “trifle!” I’m serious, though.  I can’t keep on with some kind of schedule like this!I woke up, I don’t know, probably between 1700hrs-1730hrs? I can’t “live” like that.  Not to mention, good sleep, schedules etc… are so extremely important for those of us with Bipolar.  My moods are already off enough as it is.  I don’t need to be helped along any further in that department, thank you very much!

I’m not feeling that grand as well today, too.  From the med or from being post-“ick”tal?© I’m a little too out of it to either distinguish or care.  Either way, there will be more time to “care” in the future.  Just let it go for today–or try.

*PA pads off to go take sleep med at dinner time*