Archive for July 17th, 2009

A song came up on my iPod recently and I was struck completely immobile.  A statue.  When I stream it, you might agree how it seems appropriate after reading this?

At times I have written as best as I could about my childhood, adolescence, growing up etc…  I still will continue to do so but it has proven to be difficult due to such fractured memories.  I have never written anything about where I grew up, though.

I now live in a large city but I never expected to.  I came here for uni. attempt number two.  During that time, all that was left for me “at home” disintegrated.  My boyfriend had found someone else so “my life” was left only here.  And a note not to confuse any readers, I am gay and labels suck–they really do.  Still, we sometimes need them (like when some uber-asshole is coming on to you in a bar!) Nonetheless, I had one serious and wonderful boyfriend (above) before coming out and “figuring out!” *laughing*

So, where I grew up? I have given it a nickname that amuses people but I won’t write it here.  I am still trying to preserve some anonymity.  Oh, but the hellhole that it was! Still is? Although now, it is deemed so “Picturesque!” A “Perfect Weekend Getaway!”

Barf.  What do they say? “Nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there?” No kidding.  My sister who is five years my senior lives remotely in the area and even she still can’t bring herself to go near it!

It’s small.  Not extremely, like a few hundred people but a very low end, five digit number.  I consider that small!  Maybe it’s relative.  Maybe it’s just because I had to live there! Yet, regardless of how you measure “small,” it was real cesspool of gossip.  If people didn’t actually know what you were doing, you could be damn sure they’d make something up! And don’t forget to leave the house properly attired! Heaven, forbid! Oh, dear god! We even had one neighbour we caught staring into our windows with binoculars! The bedroom windows, no less!

A real “do nothing place.”  Until I got my first car and then it was a “drive around and do nothing place.”  I was a “good girl.”  I never really partied.  In retrospect, I think I was too messed up and awkward because of the Asperger’s and even the ADD.  Just in writing this, I got a brief flash of some vague person saying to me: “What? You weren’t invited?” I guess that says a lot about me growing up.  Not too popular.  Totally dense.

It was such a skanky and dirty place, too.  It had two disgusting watering holes and a Satan’s Choice Biker was stabbed to death outside one of them.  And oddly, that didn’t cause much of an uproar.  No one seemed to be surprised, I don’t think.

Another bizarre contrast? An elite, boys, private school.  It’s now co-ed but that happened after I left.  I can hardly fathom what a stir that caused.  Well, perhaps I can and it would have been massive! How could I fathom such a thing? I worked there.  Oh, that was a real treat! The little “servant girl” in the kitchen.  However, I did hang out with a few boys that weren’t such spoiled brats and seemed nice to me.

So I escaped that hopeless piece of crap, that to my disgusted sense of being, still exists! I love where I live now.

Oh, before I close, another odd tidbit.  We had a (presumably) mentally ill transvestite that would wander up and down the main street or other areas…back and forth…back and…  He freaked everyone out but I really liked him.  I think we only just nodded or something, maybe a “Hi,” at most.  That may have been good enough as there was perhaps some recognition or acknowledgment in his vacant eyes.  That is if they weren’t turned downward.  Then he would maybe raise them up with an almost shy and confused look.

No doubt everyone either tried to drive him out of town or treated him badly somehow.  But again, a Gang Member Biker getting murdered seemed to be no big deal.

I now give you “Strange Little Girl” by The Stranglers.  So, appropriate? I feel it is.

That’s just it for now.

I always care.

Now, I’m numb.

The tap is dry.

My echoes of care aren’t even heard anymore.

To myself or others.

Now, I am numb.

That’s just it for now.