A song came up on my iPod recently and I was struck completely immobile.  A statue.  When I stream it, you might agree how it seems appropriate after reading this?

At times I have written as best as I could about my childhood, adolescence, growing up etc…  I still will continue to do so but it has proven to be difficult due to such fractured memories.  I have never written anything about where I grew up, though.

I now live in a large city but I never expected to.  I came here for uni. attempt number two.  During that time, all that was left for me “at home” disintegrated.  My boyfriend had found someone else so “my life” was left only here.  And a note not to confuse any readers, I am gay and labels suck–they really do.  Still, we sometimes need them (like when some uber-asshole is coming on to you in a bar!) Nonetheless, I had one serious and wonderful boyfriend (above) before coming out and “figuring out!” *laughing*

So, where I grew up? I have given it a nickname that amuses people but I won’t write it here.  I am still trying to preserve some anonymity.  Oh, but the hellhole that it was! Still is? Although now, it is deemed so “Picturesque!” A “Perfect Weekend Getaway!”

Barf.  What do they say? “Nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there?” No kidding.  My sister who is five years my senior lives remotely in the area and even she still can’t bring herself to go near it!

It’s small.  Not extremely, like a few hundred people but a very low end, five digit number.  I consider that small!  Maybe it’s relative.  Maybe it’s just because I had to live there! Yet, regardless of how you measure “small,” it was real cesspool of gossip.  If people didn’t actually know what you were doing, you could be damn sure they’d make something up! And don’t forget to leave the house properly attired! Heaven, forbid! Oh, dear god! We even had one neighbour we caught staring into our windows with binoculars! The bedroom windows, no less!

A real “do nothing place.”  Until I got my first car and then it was a “drive around and do nothing place.”  I was a “good girl.”  I never really partied.  In retrospect, I think I was too messed up and awkward because of the Asperger’s and even the ADD.  Just in writing this, I got a brief flash of some vague person saying to me: “What? You weren’t invited?” I guess that says a lot about me growing up.  Not too popular.  Totally dense.

It was such a skanky and dirty place, too.  It had two disgusting watering holes and a Satan’s Choice Biker was stabbed to death outside one of them.  And oddly, that didn’t cause much of an uproar.  No one seemed to be surprised, I don’t think.

Another bizarre contrast? An elite, boys, private school.  It’s now co-ed but that happened after I left.  I can hardly fathom what a stir that caused.  Well, perhaps I can and it would have been massive! How could I fathom such a thing? I worked there.  Oh, that was a real treat! The little “servant girl” in the kitchen.  However, I did hang out with a few boys that weren’t such spoiled brats and seemed nice to me.

So I escaped that hopeless piece of crap, that to my disgusted sense of being, still exists! I love where I live now.

Oh, before I close, another odd tidbit.  We had a (presumably) mentally ill transvestite that would wander up and down the main street or other areas…back and forth…back and…  He freaked everyone out but I really liked him.  I think we only just nodded or something, maybe a “Hi,” at most.  That may have been good enough as there was perhaps some recognition or acknowledgment in his vacant eyes.  That is if they weren’t turned downward.  Then he would maybe raise them up with an almost shy and confused look.

No doubt everyone either tried to drive him out of town or treated him badly somehow.  But again, a Gang Member Biker getting murdered seemed to be no big deal.

I now give you “Strange Little Girl” by The Stranglers.  So, appropriate? I feel it is.

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  1. findingmecrazy

    It was nice to get a little insight into your mysterious past! Doesn’t sound like a place I’d want to be. How are things going?

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  2. Hi findingmecrazy, good to see you! Thanks about the post and my “mysterious past!” Yes, I had realised the other day that I had never written anything about that part of my past so, hmmm…go for it!

    I’m also reali”z”ing, that I’m (and have been) switching between UK and US spellings. Canada can use whatever but I usually pull the UK. However I have been slack lately and using the US.

    Sorry, completely off topic.

    No, it was a really, ugly place.

    How have things been going? My last post seems to give some of the basics? I feel like shit. Both physically and emotionally? The Seroquel XR refuses to knock me out for maybe three to four hours. I feel sedated but not sleepy. Today I feel like I’m back where I started re: the side effects (unless I’m post-ictal.)

    Emotionally? Well, my moods seem to be sort of jumping around. Yes. I’m not “full-blown” cycling, I don’t think. I mean, being Ultradian I’d have to toss that part of me out the window as this has been going on for…well, I could just lengthen my “Ultradian Spikes…”

    Depression has always been my bugbear with all of this ridiculous Bipolar business (provided this isn’t just regular mood swings.) Perhaps everyone, myself included, is blowing things out of proportion. NTs may feel the same way as I am right now.

    I don’t think so, however. It’s almost like the “Golden Rule” or “Number One Priority” of dealing with health–and definitely mental health–issues: Is it interfering with your ability to function in life?

    Right now? My moods? You know how much I always wear my “Sane Face,” even on my own blog at times. However right now, as much as I don’t want to admit it, my moods are hampering my functioning to a degree. It’s just to what degree I don’t know. But I can’t function properly right now. I wish I could. I really do.

    This might be kind of long. Meds messing with me, no tea as I have woken up and it’s bloody dinner time here! Oh, I have to try and get a regular schedule now!!!

    It’s like, since it takes the med so long, do I just take it now, when I just woke up at dinner time to get me back on schedule? No, I’m serious! Count out the hours and that gets me into bed at an early hour, lots of sleep and then up at a decent time!

    OMG.

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  3. findingmecrazy

    I hate side effects of drugs, it’s annoying. Sorry but what do you mean by seroquel XR? What exactly should your seroquel be doing? I take seroquel as well, I’m only on 200mgs a day but at the moment when I take it in the morning I feel sluggish and sleepy for the rest of the day which I don’t like!

    Calculating when to take meds is complicated isn’t it! You say that even on your blog you always wear your sane face, but you really don’t need to, I guess I figure your blog should be somewhere you can be honest about how your moods are. It’s bad though if you feel they’re hampering how you function. Visit to the doctors in order maybe? I know doctors can be pretty useless though!

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  4. Hi findingmecrazy. Indeed, side effects can be a pain. A lot of times they can even be too much. A “Risk-Benefit Analysis?” If you’re getting relief, are the sides too much? Can you still deal with them and take on the fact that the meds are serving their purpose?

    Oh, the damn Seroquel XR! Merlin #2 wanted to put me on it because I was such a wreck after getting out that shithole of a hospital and all the disaster that happened from that.

    I normally take 150mg to sleep but he felt the XR would be good to do that as well as keep me a bit toned down during the day. I mean, you should have seen me in his office! Stuttering, shaking, no eye contact. I was a total mess!

    Well, talk about mess! The XR did not play well with my brain and for some reason, a couple of the sides came back a week and a half later, it was taking me four hours to get to sleep, then I started to run off into some kind of Bipolar Parallel Universe. My resting pulse bpm was getting close to 120! There’s a bit of a mention of Tachycardia as a side…

    And all of that latter, really bad stuff happened in one day!!! I was seriously freaking out! Bye, bye XR!!!

    Yes, back to the “Sane Face Blogging.” And the post I had even written about it. True, I agree with you that you (or I) should be honest but… I do find it hard at times.

    Even though I am anonymous I still can only go so far. There may be things going on that I would totally love to blast all over my blog but I just can’t. During those times? It could be a whole bunch of things. However, not something I want my readers to know about or basically the entire world as this is the bloody Internet! They are just too personal.

    I’m feeling better being off that XR, though. That has definitely helped as you can well imagine. Now I’m just trying to get back to where I was before–that degree of functioning as neither my GP nor Merlin #2 have “deemed me” fit for work yet.

    That sucks as come on…you know how long I’ve been out of work now.

    Take care, hon’ and good to see you.

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  5. findingmecrazy

    It was the side effects to my seroquel that was annoying me but checked with the psychaitrist today and she said I can take the whole load at night instead of in the morning and at night so goodbye to sleepiness during the day!

    The XR seroquel does not sound like a thing however, maybe stay away from it for good! I don’t know what I would do if all that happened to me!

    There’s not that much anonymity with my blog I guess, I mean I don’t give out information on how to contact or find me but I do talk about a lot of personal stuff on it besides medication etc. I mean, people found me on blogger but only because they saw the link on my computer, I do wonder if they’ll find my new blog, since if you knew me, it probably would be obvious that it’s me. Plus a fair few people around here have started to security protect their blogs – La from Lettersfromexile and Exact Science of Manic Depression. It makes me wonder how safe a blog can be without being protected but otherwise how can new bloggers find your blog. Sorry, I’m going into a little side-rant here!

    What do you find to do yourself when you don’t work? I’m at uni thankfully so don’t have to work fulltime but everytime I do try working fulltime (like during my holidays) things seem to get a bit out of a hand, my mood slides and then everythings goes down. I’m considering applying for DLA. If you could be working anywhere then where would you like to work? What would you like to be doing?

    Rather long comment from me there, sorry about that, but look after yourself.

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  6. Hey findingmecrazy. That’s great about taking everything at night. I find it’s basically a total zonker for me. Granted, it still takes a fair bit to knock me out. It’s not like I pop the pills with some water and then I collapse on the floor! *laughing* No, at least an hour.

    Well, as far as the XR, you never know with any of us re: meds and heads etc… Some people may do just dandy. Me? Not so much.

    Interesting about your comments surrounding anonymity. I recall seeing the IP address from my former employer after I got laid off and I had a total shit fit!

    At first I thought I was having this weird “paranoia moment” as I was already losing it from simply having lost my job. I mean, they did a total med overhaul on me as I really was losing it. So, I checked and there it was, plain as day!

    I don’t know if you were reading then but I was debating about what to do and with WP blogs, I could have shut things down and what not–various options–but it doesn’t “hide” older posts! In the end, I wrote several posts begging and pleading that whoever it was, please stop and leave me alone!!!

    The IP address seemed to go off the radar but people could still have been reading later from home. Either way, things were all fine with my former company and its Sr. Mgmt. when I went back to retrieve all sorts of stuff. Not even just personal items. They trusted me enough to retrieve files off my computer, hard copy papers I needed.

    Now, that is Ace. Obviously, I am not going to “leak any company information” and I’m anonymous here anyway! I’ve never blogged about work at all and anyone else in my “personal life” is left anonymous, too! Please!

    However, I know there are all sorts of ways people could “find me.” That is to say, apart from the people I already know “offblog.” I mean, I know them as friends and all of that. Still, what the hell is someone going to do to me! I am still quite anonymous so…?

    That is such a shame about the two bloggers you have mentioned. I really only know exact. I shot him a comment.

    Again, as above, there really is no suitable form of privacy. This is the Internet and you do have to take precautions. Every single keystroke can be read by the entire, bloody world! Well…those with computer access anyway. *rolls eyes* Nonetheless, that is the vast majority of the world!

    What am I doing when I am not working? Well, I still seem to be running a “Hospital For One.” Merlin #2 and my GP don’t exactly think I am medically cleared to head back into the working world yet. I am sort of having my own concerns about that as well. I think I need a bit more time on that one.

    It’s good that you are still trying to work while not in uni. classes but yes, if it gets a bit much…sure. What’s a DLA? It sounds like a Driver’s License?

    Ah…the classic “dream job question.” Or were you being more down to earth in that respect?

    Well, in all reality I don’t have the creds for some of the things I would like to do. A lot of research and writing. Things that would allow me to be a bit more creative and use existing skills that already interest me.

    Dream Jobs? Wow, I could maybe say quite a few things there! I always thought (and still do) what if I finished my degree and then went further. I mean, right up the the Ph.D. level! Teaching, research…wow. Living in the wonderful halls of Academia! Although, some people may not say they are so wonderful but in my head I imagine they are! *laughing*

    I really loved Anthro and if you don’t know from reading here, I’ve made mention of my love for Primates. It’s like I have “Monkey Fever!” That sounds like some kind of terrible disease. *laughing again* But no. A Primatologist?

    True, a lot of people say, yes, make Dr. PA a reality but no…I don’t think Medicine would have been a good thing for me to pursue.

    I could make this comment a lot longer, I suppose but yes, the Anthro. Probably the best example is when I was 10, I was absolutely obssessed with Archaeology. So, that might give a hint. You’ll still always find me walking in any suitable area trying to hunt around for fossils! Oh, yes!!!

    Some things will never change…

    You take care as well.

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  7. findingmecrazy

    DLA is Disabled Living Allowance, basically money from the government for disabled people, including people with mental disabilities, which is apparently what I have, but I don’t know if I need enough to be able to claim it, plus it’s a long and very complicated form to claim it.

    I’m still worrying about the anonymity aspect of blogging. I can’t know that those friends who found me before won’t find me again and be reading my blog. I don’t want anyone I know to be reading it, makes me doubt whether it’s worth even having a blog. Plus no-one’s even commented in ages, it gets a bit disheartening writing posts when there’s no-one on the other end. Maybe a blog always gives away stuff about your personal life that you shouldn’t be writing on the net, I just don’t know anymore.

    Archaeology would be a pretty cool career to pursue, I’m really interested in ancient history. Lately I’ve been trying to decide what I really want to do after university, it’s not that long until I need to start applying for a proper job (I’m going into my final year in uni) so I’m thinking constantly about careers and jobs at the moment!

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  8. findingmecrazy

    And if you’re ever over in Ireland, I’d be happy to meet you btw!

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  9. Hi findingmecrazy. Haha! That’s funny. Acronyms can be crazy! Especially from other countries.

    I understand the whole stoopid guvmunt and their processes all too well! We have something similar over here but I am not eligible for it at the moment as I am still receiving a type of assistance for being laid off from my job. That needs to finish first, however, I would rather find a job before going on the other type!

    Plus, you’ve heard me bitching about the program I am already on re: covering my medication. That’s a whole other issue! Thus, you are completely correct regarding how complicated all of this crap is!

    That’s tough about your blog. I feel and felt kind of bad that no one has come by to make a comment. I should probably go do so now! Dammit, I haven’t been reading anyone! I took a look at a few last night, though! Gee, go PA!

    I didn’t realize the fact or reason for you swapping out or changing over. So, some folks found you out when you didn’t really want them to. I think that may be most people’s reasons but you never know.

    I can’t tell you how to feel but I guess try not to get too disheartened if people don’t comment. Blogging is just like that. I’m really serious about that one. It’s just so odd. Sometimes, you’ll think you’ve written this Pulitzer-Worthy Post and no one will say, “Boo.” Then you write something that is completely ridiculous in your head and you get 100 comments!

    Okay, a bit of an exaggeration there but you get it.

    I used to have more people commenting but not so much anymore as I’m “Out of Circulation.” People aren’t “seeing” me so they’re not coming by to read. Well, that’s one reason.

    I am “around” in other places, though. People’s blogrolls, Twitter, blogged.com…anywhere else? Oh, the widgets for Wellsphere and ExperienceProject. Even still, I get readers but not always a lot of comments. I think that is also because I am writing a lot about my personal life and people may grow weary of that.

    Stats? They’re still pretty consistent but I’m not uber-blogger and I really don’t care to be. If people find something valuable here, I am happy.

    Well, what the hell was that all about then? *laughing*

    I guess I was trying to demonstrate how strange it can be in the blogging realm. I am (and probably always will be) unbelievably confused as to how people find me and where I end up. Good god. Someone called me “vivacious” on fucking Twitter yesterday! I think(?) it was in jest but then it got Re-Tweeted so I don’t know how many other people then saw it!

    OMG. Too much. It’s all just like dominoes falling. Links here and there…it just keeps going and going…

    Another thing with findingmecrazy up there as it appears in my Comment Section is that there is no link. So, people can’t get to you, well, immediately if they were to read this. They would have to Google you. Unless you have your settings to not appear in any Search Engines.

    I think it always comes down to personal choice as we talked about before. People can be as personal as they want and some blogs aren’t even personal at all! My vote is for you to keep blogging! However, the choice is still yours.

    Holy shit! I need to edit this one for sure. I don’t even know what I’ve typed here! *laughing* PA is having a “Tired and Stay in PJs all Day.” Although, she’s craving snacks but that requires leaving the house. Damn.

    Archaeology and Ancient History would make a fine marriage, actually. You could work your way to becoming a Curator of a Museum? That would surely rock!

    Yes, thinking of careers… I should be doing that too, however, after already being in the “working world,” not much wiggle room. I thought about revamping everything but in the end…not much sense in that.

    Oh, and coming to Ireland! W00t! I have had some wonderful invitations from people all over the world that has warmed my heart so much. So, thank you for making it warmer today.

    x

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  10. findingmecrazy

    Hey, I’ll post a proper comment later but was just wondering, you know the way you said there is not link to my blog when it appears in the comment section, do you know how to make a link appear?
    I’d be really grateful if you’ve any ideas ‘cos I’ve no ideas how to fix that! Thanks, I’ll be back later.

    x

    Like

  11. Hi findingmecrazy. Not to worry about a “proper” comment. Take your time. *grin* Now, as far as getting a rollover for your name and blog, this is how it should work?

    There are three sections in WordPress where you leave information, right? I’ll move on to Blogger in a ‘sec.

    The first is your name. You could put in “Chuckles the Clown” for all I care! *laughing* However, you have used your blog address. It is a required field. The next is your email address that is also required but of course, not published for privacy. I see them both in my gmail notifications–as they are required.

    It lets me know who the people are and actually, I’ve had some comments lost when not notified. WP is generally very solid but it’s happened and the comments don’t even end up in my Spam Queue!

    The third is where your blog comes up. I am going to go out on a limb and say you have not filled out that space on my blog. I am seeing it empty in my gmail notifications. I see everything else and other people’s blogs when they fill that out. That is the only optional field as (of course) many commenters do not have blogs!

    Or…

    If for some reason you have been signing in with a url in my last spot, it could be your old blog and it’s not hooking up with your name. I did that once with a typo on someone’s blog, even though I still was using my PA information. I typed my own url in wrong! What a dingbat!

    When I did that, I think my fix was to go back and comment on the person’s blog when I was not logged in to my own blog over here at WP. It was another WP blog where I did it. It was like I was a new person and it “re-saved” my information. I think that was it, if memory serves.

    Does that help?

    Now, for Blogger, they finally made things a lot easier for WP bloggers to be seen in the same manner! I started with Blogger and it only left me with the opportunity to leave my old Blogger ID but no link to my WP blog!

    They give you four radio button options: A Blogger ID, Open ID where you can choose from several blog platforms and type in your blog name. The rest just adds the url for you. The next is Name/URL. For that, you manually type in the information. The last is Anonymous.

    I don’t know about other blogging platforms as I’ve never used them but I’m sure there are similar options.

    Oh…and one more thing to you and anyone else out there. I don’t know if it’s just me but I have been receiving errors with the Open ID option on Blogger. I’ve been having to use the Name/URL option and sometimes several times over to get it to work!

    Fucking Blogger! Now you know why I migrated to WP!

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  12. findingmecrazy

    Hey, thanks so much. I think I may have it sorted now so this is sort of a test comment. I feel like I should be writing testing testing 1 2 3!
    Now let’s see if this works! x

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  13. Hi finding me crazy. You’re so cute, Hannah. I just took it for a “test drive” myself and there you go! Plain as day!

    x

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