You would think I was talking about baby MacBook taking a dive and losing its hard drive again but it may be me taking a dive and losing my hard drive.  I applied for a job today.  OMG.  I’m so freaked out, I just popped a Valium/Diazepam! Who knows if they’ll even call me but the next thing that popped into my mind was: I’m in desperate need of a haircut!

I keep thinking and wondering if I’m even ready to start applying again, much less get a job but how unbelievable is this? I got so excited when I actually found a quarter the other day! I’m not kidding.  My heart jumped in the air at the sight of a 25 cent coin! Let’s add it to the little pile of the rest of my change.

Good lord.

So, thinking…wondering.  Am I thinking and wondering about not being ready so much, am I doing some kind of mental “trick” on myself? Am I somehow reinforcing the fact that I’m not ready–when I actually am? And yet, I can’t even be bothered to do so many “basic” things! I want to be “bothered” to do them but so much of the time I just sit around and feel like I can’t move.  I begin these things (or some of them) and then they just get shelved.

Right now I’m feeling kind of sick about that job application.  In fact, I feel like a want to start crying about it too! It’s like, what have I done? What did I just do? Am I crazy??? Well, yes I am.

J. wants me to come over for dinner and I feel like I can’t be “bothered” to do that, either.  I will need to leave soon.  Although, it is food and everyone knows PA always needs that!

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!


  1. lili

    You’re you so I can’t tell you to relax but definitely go and have a meal. Maybe you’ll get to talk it out so to speak with your friend. Haircut? Not as long as you can gel it part it on the side and pin it up in the back or do a french twist. No worries there. Congratulations.


  2. Ari

    First of all Congrats!

    Second of all Breath!

    Only you can know whether or not your ready to be applying to jobs. I can say this: in my experience it was really hard to get up and do things (I would call in sick because i was tired, even though I wouldn’t be in the office until the afternoon). When I finally decided enough was enough and scheduled myself to be in the office from 9am-noon, I tried really hard to stick to that schedule. Not only did it get easier to get up, but then I had the discipline to do other things after i got off work!

    so again, i can’t say whether or not you’re ready. I can say sometimes you have to reach to pull yourself up.


  3. Hi lili. Yes, I went to go see J. Actually, I needed to “use” him for his technology. My printer is still not working (gotta call the manufacturer…still haven’t done that!) So, yes. Ulterior motives! No, really. I have reams of stuff that I want to get through re: some good Asperger’s reading.

    I am the type of “learner” who needs hard copies. I can’t just scroll off a computer screen. Especially if it is long. Then, out comes the highlighter on the pages and make some notes if I need to. Not to mention, some of this is stuff is/are published papers. Not exactly fluff.

    Gee, that was pretty tangential. Although, we did talk about the “job stuff.”

    My hair? I’ve never been good at the “girly stuff” and it took me a while to try and recreate the style he gave me.

    Hi Ari. Thanks for the congrats and yes, always remember to breathe, right? I think the latter is definitely the harder part!

    Yes, it is true that only I can know but I’ve put in a call to Merlin #2 to have a little chat with him about it. I needed to see him anyway but this is just another thing that I think requires his assistance.

    I completely agree with you about having a schedule and for me a routine. I have always needed that as it has been a huge part of keeping me stable. However, obviously that got tossed out the window after being laid off. Plus, it’s been so long now. Well over a year, so that has not helped either!

    I have been (or was) trying to keep a schedule after recovering from the initial loss but it was difficult. Now, after going through the “latest and greatest,” hospital, med change and then drop the med…other crap, I’m back at square one again.

    So, I’m trying to basically come up with some sort of “Plan of Action” in my head–even though “activity” doesn’t seem to be exactly my strong suit these days.

    Still, perhaps just applying for that one job yesterday is actually representative of a signal or some kind of “beacon” that it’s time to begin moving slowly in that direction.

    And slowly is definitely the key factor. That I do feel right now.


  4. Lili

    It sounds like you’re doing an awesome job. Keep it up.


  5. Hi Lili. Thanks. I appreciate your support as always.


  6. Lili

    No worries darlin I’m always here for ya.


  7. Thanks, Lili.


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