I wrote a post about what I called Sane Face Blogging. This is different though. “Sane Face Blogging” is when you put on mask, your brave face and you just do it!

Apologies for the Nike reference.  Are they still using that?

Ashamed? Different.  Deeper.

My blog is really honest if you didn’t know that already.  Apart from myself, I talk about a lot of subjects that, perhaps, most people would definitely want to sweep under the rug.  Well, tonight, something came to me.  Via my own actions and/or events: Being Ashamed to Blog.

I did a cutting tonight.  I’m tempted to bring back the whole “suturing thing” (oops! I did!) but that is not really the point.  The point of the cutting is the why and the identification with past ones and the most important ones, patching it all back and THEN:

Emailing the fucking person for tonight! Telling them that you did a cutting and that it was “for them.”  Or a “Dedication for Them.”

I mean, how the bloody (sorry…) fucked up is that? I love you so much, I carved up my body for you.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Sometimes, that’s just how cuttings work.  And the people on the other end can either handle or it, or they can’t.

But it still leaves you sitting pretty, doesn’t it.

EDIT: PA seized too.  PA should take meds…this post may be written next week! Fuck the meds, she’s so flurried and spun, it’s like she’s just gone down to the seediest part of town and gotten the best score of <insert your street drug of choice> and…? Post-“ick”tal© states and alcohol and cuttings…

Well, another form of sitting pretty?

*PA pads off for meds and water and a cigarette* (if she can walk, yes, it was a Simple Partial Motor Leg Seizure!)

So Shame? Well, we all feel it.  I feel ashamed right now.  I feel like a Royal Fuck Up! But does that mean I won’t blog about it?


I’ll continue to blog about being the shameful ass and the eternal fuck up that I am!


  1. Lili

    Hey you-you had a moment of madness. We have them often. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Here’s a box of chocolate truffles. Slip some meds into them and get into a mellow place(well as mellow as its possible for us to get). Oh and email me already-it can be random words or whatnot-even two or three words I’m open…



  2. Hi Lili. Thanks. Well, moment of madness, indeed. You are right. That is what I always say to everyone else: “Forgive yourself.” Some people are not so forgiving, however. *shrug* Can’t do much with those ones though, huh?

    It seems just when I was starting to make progress or starting to start to make progress…

    However, I really don’t know if that is incidental. Stress is stress, triggers are triggers and I could still have done whatever or do whatever else at any time in my life.

    Yes, people reading. That makes us all sound like we are walking, talking, ticking, time bombs but in a way, mentally we are. Something can happen and it’s Meltdown City.

    Oooohhh, those scary, evil crazies!!!

    Back on point, as I just woke up, thanks for the box of truffles. And having gotten up, meds just taken but it’s so late, no point in the Concerta. What the hell do I want to focus on today anyway, right?

    Just more ASSinine behaviour?


  3. Lili

    Hey I say engage in whatever floats your boat. We’re crazy people-we get a free act out pass-it never expires.


  4. Hi Lili. Stims are the only psych meds that you can safely take a “drug holiday” with. It is definitely not advisable to do so with any other meds!

    I can get by for a couple of days without mine but then I start to feel maybe kind of out of it and sick. I take them every day anyway as I’d be so dopey. It’s just that for today, extremely little activity (as per today’s post) and then back to bed.

    And speaking of said post and me not being good at taking my own advice…I’m actually going to try and eat something…

    …I am not really here.


  5. Lili

    Okay well be at whatever place you can and get some rest.


  6. Thanks again as always, Lili.


  7. lili

    no worries :)


  8. Hi lili. And ditto from me, too. I’ve got your back as well.


  9. lili

    Thanks :)


  10. Hey lili, like you didn’t know that… Shit, I gotta write a post. Better get moving? Yeah, good distraction.


  11. lili

    Lol its still nice to hear. Go forth and dispense your wisdom for today…


  12. Oh, sure lili. Such “wisdom.” I’ve got a couple of ideas in my head but watch me crash out and then end up writing nothing!

    One, though, is to move away from this shitty, train wreck direction and head somewhere else? I am tired though. Posts can always wait but since I have the time, I like to write daily.


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