I suppose this really shouldn’t have surprised me when I went to see him the other day.  Especially after two harbingers that occurred even before the appt.

I had a terrible time trying to sleep just thinking of discussing my “Employment Readiness.”  Sure, some things may cause some kind of angst prior to discussing them with your doctors but I have never had any kind of “insomnia” before doing so.

This is even worse, however! I awoke knowing I had some kind of awful nightmares but I didn’t remember what they were about.  Me not remembering my dreams is not so unusual as I rarely do.  But this was definitely unusual! My upper body! It was so stiff and I was in pain! Most specifically my right arm and shoulder!

Now, REM sleep is supposed to keep you immobile so you aren’t thrashing around and “acting out” your dreams.  It’s the brain’s way of keeping you safe while you are dreaming.  Well, let me tell you, my arm (and sort of the rest of me) felt like there was a giant punching bag above me and I was giving it a really, heavy duty workout!

What on earth was I dreaming about?

So, I told him about that.  I told him about applying for the one job last week—and subsequently needing a Valium/Diazepam a short while later after questioning just what the hell I’d done! I mentioned the stressful seesaw about: “Do I? Don’t I? Should I? Can I?” All of that.  Plus, the intolerable urgency I am feeling, that is just growing worse and worse as time goes by.

I’m not ready as I am just too <insert crazy word of choice> right now.  I even mentioned the “job disability place” where I seem to have fallen completely off the radar.  I haven’t heard from them in about three months! He nixed that, too.  Probably just as well as I am not “as well” when I was working with them before.

I did mention to him about a volunteer opportunity that I read about in a newspaper recently.  Volunteer work is always good and it would get me out of the house.  I’ll have to call about that and see if it is suitable.

What else can I do apart from continuing to run my “Hospital for One?”

I have a stack about two inches high of newspaper clippings of music artists that I want to check out.  I’ve just read reviews and/or interviews and torn them out of the papers for so long now.  It’s a massive scrap heap that keeps growing and growing! I am so completely redonculous.  Go through those? Finally? Granted, that will be a long and arduous task.  I have ADD Inattentive Type.  So, what? Three a day? *rolls eyes* Unless the good ol’ ADD Hyperfocus hits and I’ll be whipping through them like nobody’s business!

*PA pauses* Nah.  Doubtful.

The weather’s been shit so cycling is dicey.  There’s a movie out now I am dying to see but…dare I even splurge?!?!?! No, wait for the DVD release…  Or, there is the Almighty Torrent! Naughty PA! *laughing*

Actually, I don’t feel so bad about that as someone published an email and a link to a Wiki page in a local rag about our ISPs and how they are limiting download bandwidths and Wiki had a workaround or something—again, something else I haven’t looked into but I should, the next time I use the Almighty T!

ASIDE: The movie? “Thirst.”  I don’t know if any of you are into “Asian-Genre Cinema” (“Fuck You for Fucking Me Over and BOY AM I GONNA MAKE YOU PAY!!! AND HARD!!!”)  Well, that can tend to be one popular theme.  But this is the latest from Chan-Wook Park.  He did a trilogy that was famous or even “infamous” but I only bought the third: “Sympathy For Lady Vengeance,” THAT I LOVE!!! It has a great Soundtrack, too.  That was a “Fuck You Over” one.  Anyway, THAT is what I want to see: “Thirst.”  Oh, it looks really good so far as I can tell.

…I hear the Almighty T calling…?

So, I guess just dick around and “get well?” Fuck, I am so frustrated! J. has made or suggested some “plans” to get me out of town.  Nice of him to “orchestrate” these things.  I want to get into some photography stuff but perhaps outside of where I live. That is also “bike-dependent,” to a degree.  I could take public transit and just wander but hey, riding my bike doesn’t cost me anything—and I can still wander around a bit by locking it up.

Write? Yes, I have done a bit lately.  However, that has usually gone hand in hand with visiting the pub! Not good for the wallet (hey, let’s leave my brain out of it, for at least a bit, guys…please…?)

There is a place where you can make your own wine a couple of blocks away from me! I was trying to think about their prices.  I mean, you can buy a decent bottle that’s not plonk at a reasonable price.  So, sell me? Why go with your DIY wine? *PA laughs and makes mental note to visit shop for possibly saving money for her bad drinking habits*

Could you imagine though! WOW! You buy a case or box of a dozen bottles and WHOO! All of that hooch in the house? It’s fucking gone in a week! *laughing again*

Maybe that’s how they make their money? It’s all in gross sales.  People take a whack of it home and it’s all just a big “Chug-A-Lug!” Exactly one week later, they’re down on their knees before the store is even open for the day!


  1. Ari

    So…you’re not quite ready to go to work? Best to listen to your body. Everyday I wonder if I should be working a full time job.

    But yes, volunteering could be nice.

    But a (possibly) fun way to organize artists you’d like to investigate? Create a artist-newpaper clippings scrapbook! You could just get some big, blank sketch book and glue all the newspaper clippings there. and if you get really creative you can draw pictures. And write notes to yourself. And use crayon! *nods to self* yes crayon would be necessary.

    Good luck on your operation: get out of house!


  2. Lili

    Hang in there sweetie. take your time and don’t let it eat you up. You’ll work it out.


  3. Hi Ari. Thanks. Yes, I really have no other choice, at the moment. I also told him that I have a sort of…well, it may be as you say above: a feeling.

    I said to him that at times before, I will just know when the time is right. Let’s hope that this is one of those times. OMG. I just repeated “time/s” three “times!”

    And true, volunteering is good. I have in the past but I quit at one place as there just wasn’t enough work for me to do, after time. I ended up just sitting around watching TV for my shift!

    A book for the clippings! *laughing* I must confess that I am not so “artsy crafty.” Except perhaps for my Geek Art:


    I have a secret too…I made another “piece” and just shot it yesterday so another post is in the making! Actually, now that the cat’s out of the bag, I feel guilty. Maybe I should do it today.

    But I feel guilty as I have people to get back to personally–including you! But I feel sick.

    Hi Lili. Thanks, hon’.


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