EDIT: If you want to know that PA is crying… learn aout post-tal or she will tell you how it works because she’s now bawling.  And wwrkded realy hard to typed this but failed. Cuase being post-ictal makes you fuciked up.

Not sure what to make of this one but you can’t make sure of any of mine–or others.  I just document them here so I know when and where etc..

So, a bit or rapid eye blinking and then it stopped.  Then I felt a “rush” of agression” that is SO not like PA.  PA is meek.

That rush emotion or any other type is, or can be know as an “aura” or Simple Partial Siezure that I have.  But I knew something was wrong.  Why was I so pissed off? There was no reasson for me to be so angry?

*DING!* PA! You’re having a (potential) aura!

EDIT: Sorry, I have seized to some point this all may be off in grammar, punctuation and such.

So, I went outside and drooling is one of my “biggies.”  No, I can drool a lot when I sieze sometimes.  Well, I was drooling a lot tonight.

Lately, I’ve been doing the rapid eye blinking that is standard for me but the key is lately it has involved loss of vision so something with my occitpal lobe.

No one knows anything about my seizures, how or whre they camre from, eveolved.  Good grief.  Look at this.  Nice typing.  Well, I will leave it as it stands. So you can see someone whoe is post-icata.

When there is no know cause it is called idiopathic.  Those are my seizures.  Again, all my live and they’ve just morphed.

And don’t shit on me for having some red wine.

That wasn’t what “caused” it like so many people think so.

And don’t get me on a rant about how I have had to defend myself about my existence with Epilepsy and people telling me not to drink, and how to live and that and that on top of all of my other  comorbidities.

Pay Attention: post-ictal behaviour in motion…

Just like before when I got riled, when people come out of seizures…various emtional states.  I think I’m just a bit seizure brain fried–definitely–…tiredf…tired of defendng myself

It Hurts.

I guess that’s the end for now.

I may post-ictal tomorrow but if you don’t know, there are various stages of post-ictal.  You can be ver sick,  I have been very ugly sick for 72 hours.

I am sorry if i have disappointed you.  I know i have I now I have diappointed a lote a readers for a very long tme but I till love them


  1. Ari

    Oh PA, how could you be dissapointing? What am I supposed to be dissappointed about? No, no, you worry much too much. Your honesty is endearing, not dissappointing.

    I do hope you feel better.


  2. Lili

    Honey take care of yourself. You come first. We’ll be here whenever you want to talk.


  3. Hi Ari, thank you sweetie. My honesty is endearing and not disappointing. That is probably one of the best–no definitely one of the best–compliments I have ever received!

    I purposely left this post exactly as I had written it in “real time” so perhaps people might get an idea of me having some possible type of seizure (I have lots of different kinds!) I don’t know if the intended effect worked as it was only via text or typing on a screen.

    I actually had to come back and read some of what I wrote as I recalled just about everything but not all of it. We can blame that on something called post-ictal amnesia! Aren’t seizures just the bees’ knees???

    No, it’s true and I often suffer from it. I will forget things I have done when immediately post-ictal (such as details of these posts, talking to people on the telephone, preparing a meal or watching something on television–or at least what it was, perhaps.)

    You could compare it to, perhaps, drinking and having a bit of a “blackout?” Although, I did have that red wine but good grief! There’s not a huge dent in the bottle or anything!

    Also, the immediate emotions that can occur when “immediately” post-ictal. Yes, sometimes emotions can arise there as well but not always. I have cried three times when immediately post-ictal.

    Today? I am feeling post-ictal! Not the worst ever but the typical signs/symptoms for me are there. It’s always a toss up to see when I will be feeling better. Usually between 24-72 hours.

    Hi Lili. Thanks. I always feel so damn guilty, though! I like to be timely and even more so when I say I will do something. I don’t want people to feel they are being ignored because I know how that feels and it hurts!


  4. Lili

    Honey we know you’re here for us. No guilt necessary. I never feel ignored all the voices in my head are usually hosting a rave so at least I listen to good beats while everyone goes around saying “I love you!”


  5. *laughing* OMG Lili! First thank you for the “No Guilt, Get of Jail Free Card.”

    But the rest? I can’t even say anything in response to that. Except I do and did need the laughs. Too much.

    Oh, wait.

    Voice says: “…pass the ecstasy man…I’m not feelin’ enough love yet…”

    That may be weak but I’m older and never did the rave scene. Not that I couldn’t have, mind you. I just thought it would be frightfully boring after all of the other things I did!


  6. Lili

    Lol I’m older than you :) I did lots and lots of things. But good music and sweet drugs? AWESOME.


  7. Hi Lili. You’re not that much older than me are you? Next March I’m going to be 40. Hey, I did lots and lots of things too. The great thing about Bipolar, huh?


    Drugs weren’t my thing though. I never got into doing drugs.

    I still love music! Bipolar or no?

    But when you’re really in the throes of Bipolar, I can see you not giving a shit about what you’re doing and even an age barrier (like raves and my choice not to attend.)

    NOTE: PA does not practise ageism!!!

    But the whole rave thing. The kids were a lot younger but no. No. No, that wasn’t the point. I could have partied my ass off with them but you know what it is? Or was?

    I haven’t thought of this in so long, I forgot! I had no one to go with so that was the real reason! Spastic PA couldn’t have managed to go out to a rave by herself!!!


  8. Lili

    Lol yeah when the Raves started being 21 and under I was done. They started out (and I started out) in my 20’s and went until my 30’s. Then all the laws and rules changed. Blah. Oh and I’ll be 42 this December.


  9. Hi Lili. Yeah, I thought we were close in age.

    I can’t recall the “Rave Scene” up here so much because you have to remember that I’m gay, right? So, I was spending so much of my time in an entirely different party atmosphere.

    By the time so much “time” had passed there…well, I had no clue what was going on in that other area. And I guess I didn’t really care.

    Our “Gay Posse” had kind of broken up by then and I just felt like my partying days were over–and again, no one to go out to a rave with.

    Then, there was the whole, “Women’s Scene” (the “Gay Posse” was all men, basically) and the Women’s Scene can be a real, fucking pill! I mean, Yawn Central.

    Now? IF I was actually with a woman and she wanted to go out, of course I would do anything for my Sweetheart. Otherwise, I couldn’t give a toss about clubs these days!



  10. Lili

    Lol I guess it just must have been a city thing you went to Raves in San Francisco (and rave clubs) ESPECIALLY if you wanted to meet a girlfriend(or boyfriend for guys) or whatever else. It was a human banquet quite seriously. I still love clubs-smaller ones but then I love dancing. Any and all dancing.Always have.


  11. Ari

    Haha, never did the rave seen. Wasn’t what my group of friends were into. I tended to be the wild one of my friends in college. But my poison was alcohol, no hard core drugs for Ari. I use to go out to the clubs all the time. Not anymore though. Marriage has calmed me down, lol.


  12. Lili

    Oddly enough I didn’t act up in college. I did a lot of alcohol. It’s still my poison a lot of the time. All these years of marriage have calmed me only slightly. I went from 4 days of partying when we were engaged and first married. Then down to 3 days by the time I was 35. Now I go out about once a month. Sigh…At least until I move back up North :)


  13. Hi Lili. I totally get the “human banquet” thing. Well, sort of. I guess I can see other people doing it but I’ve mentioned here before that most probably due to the Asperger’s (or at least in part?) I’m socially ridiculous! I can’t tell if someone is interested in me (seriously) unless they pretty much walk across the room and start making out with me!

    Or some other very, obvious clue!

    And yet, I can be flirty and all weird but then I totally lose all grip socially? Or…the Bipolar can get the ball rolling again sometimes–more outgoing! Also, socially inappropriate behaviour can happen with Asperger’s and you overstep boundaries. I can do that too. Again, I’m socially ridiculous!

    Or, I fall in love and then everything goes to hell in a handbasket! *laughing*

    Also interesting that both you and Ari managed to sort of “calm down” when married. Well, no. I can see that, too. Unless you married another crazy partier! *laughing*

    I actually do the same when I have a partner–settle down. I said before that I no longer “party” but I guess it could be a “Party of One” now? I mean, I don’t go out to pubs and sit and drink alone while playing on baby MacBook and writing while with a partner!

    I was always a “good girl” and never really partied. Until…

    The Bipolar hit in Spades in my early 20s! Then, look out! It was like I made up for all the years missed while everyone else was getting trashed in high school!

    No, I was nuts. And everyone with Bipolar knows what can happen when you’re partying just about every night (and/or day…) You can get yourself into a lot of trouble!


  14. lili

    Lol well you know I’m married to an aspie so…
    In my partying days(well even now) I was known as “Mama” because these were the rules

    We came together we leave together
    One person always watches the drinks and the purses
    No whoever it is can’t come home with you til you’re sober
    Yes I’ll drag you out of that parked car
    Yes there will always be cab money-for everyone and no one is allowed to ride in a cab by themselves

    So no OD’s, pregnancies, stomach pumps, or things of that nature on my watch. Yep I broke up a few fights (and yep I had to be restrained a couple of times) It took a couple of years but everyone got used to it lol. Now twenty something years later it’s habit.

    I was quite nuts but had (this is me) control issues and couldn’t feel safe until all things were under control. I could go from really drunk to really lucid and aware in minutes if I thought something was amiss and everyone had to get their coats.Immediately. Then when I was back to a safe club everything went back to being cool. Lol I was mostly on the dance floor when not babysitting but I was always in the middle of something longterm. I was engaged three times in my 20’s lol. First engagement at 20 second at 23 third at 26 then I married at 31.

    Makeouts though? I plead the fifth


  15. lili

    Lol i forgot the most irritating rule-no one goes to the bathroom or outside to smoke by themselves lol


  16. Hi lili. Well, all I can say is that a lot of people should probably be thankful you were around with “The Rules!” I can see the bathroom/cigarette one being a huge pain in the arse, though! That would be happening constantly!

    Plead the fifth. We don’t have that per se up here. I’m not sure what is our equivalent but I’m too lazy to look it up and I still need to respond to people–that is if I have enough brain cells. *laughing*

    I’ll just do a blanket “Plea” for everything I’ve ever done. Some of it’s on my blog though so I guess I’m out of luck for that stuff–or at least the more “intimate” details?



  17. lili

    Lol yeah no one liked the bathroom/outside rule. But they were born of two attempted rapes so that was that. Pleading the fifth is something used in court to protect you from incriminating yourself lol. You may have a free everything pass-how’s that?


  18. Hi lili. Yep, I know the Fifth. Thou shalt not incriminate thyself! Thanks for the free pass, though. Like my “Guilt Get Out of Jail Free Card.”

    Well, that’s not good about the assaults/rapes thing so, yes, establish some firm rules for sure.


  19. lili

    yeah the attempted rapes were none of us. But one was on Mardi Gras and we were WAY over the club capacity limit. We were almost all on the dance floor and the cops came in full force and dragged this guy out.he tried to get at a girl passed out on the floor. Hence the rule.

    The second time it happened was like spring break or memorial day. Again we were almost all on the dance floor(a couple of my girlfriends had met lady friends so they were still at the table) this idiot comes out, pants around his ankles, he’d tried to attack a chick doing coke in a stall. Big mistake.Amped up chick on coke versus limp drunk man. Epic fail. Cops dragged his behind out.

    The rule was firm after that.


  20. Hi lili. Wow, that’s not good. Firm rule required!


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