NOTE: At the end of this I added something I did last night that may have brought something back from childhood.  It has made this post longer but perhaps even more relevant? That is for you to decide.

Something strange happened when I received my diagnosis of Asperger’s at the end of March, 2009.  As you can see from the date of this post, it has been 4.5 months now.

At first, I was so relieved that someone agreed with me for what I had known for years.  It wasn’t like I felt I needed a tattoo on my forehead from a “Medical Professional,” however, when you already have a boatload of diagnoses as I do, I did feel that it was an appropriate and responsible thing to address.

Not to mention, personally, it was pissing me off.  I’d been screwed over for so many years, not getting adequate treatment; it was the last thing on my “Mental Laundry List.”  It had almost become a vendetta to get that diagnosis!

So “the strange?” After that initial sense of “relief” wore off (and it was pretty damn quick) the Asperger’s Floodgates opened right up! No, it was downright bizarre! I started spazzing out all over! Well, I wasn’t falling down on the floor shaking and quaking (that would have maybe been me having a seizure?) Yuk, yuk, yuk… Yuck, indeed.

No, it was like I started “regressing,” somehow! It’s very hard to explain but let’s see what we can do here.

I can say with absolute confidence that I would have never received my diagnosis if I didn’t “prove” it.  I would have appeared too “High Functioning.”  Oh, screw that! How can you measure what that means? I even wrote a post about it ages ago! Still, the reason I would have “appeared” so “High Functioning” is because I learned to adapt and develop some sort of “coping mechanisms” as I reached adulthood.  I know this because I no longer arrange cans and what not in precise order, I no longer count my steps when I walk and if they get out order or if I “step on something that is wrong” I get all anxious—just a couple of things I did as a kid.

Well, guess who is now again stepping in patterned ways and avoiding “icky stuff” on the pavement when she gets anxious? “Icky stuff?” What does that mean? What doesn’t match, avoiding cracks…things like that.  Only “clean pavement.”

I don’t know because I am an adult but I think there is a huge difference between getting diagnosed with Asperger’s as an adult as opposed to a child or adolescent.  I’m not sure what that difference is but I know it must exist! Or what the differences are, plural! As I always say—individual manifestations!

I’ve had three “meltdowns” that are classic Asperger’s/Spectrum behavioural results of becoming overstimulated.  That has never happened to me before (lest one instance I can remember from childhood.)  Maybe there were more that I can’t remember but…  Again, since my diagnosis, three in such rapid succession? I’ve even done the classic “hand flapping stim” a couple of times, which I have never done before! Boy, if I didn’t know what it felt like to have Asperger’s, I sure do now! Like my post says: Embrace Your Inner Aspie!

It doesn’t so much “bother” me.  I guess I was just so shocked (and still kind of am) at how something might just make PA lose it! Still, I have Asperger’s.  That’s just the way it is.  The people that I know and have told are all fine about it—totally cool and sometimes it’s actually pretty hysterical.

For example, J. was BBQ’ing a roast on a rotisserie and it was all wrapped up in the strings that were in a criss-cross pattern.  I was completely mesmerized by watching it turn around and around and around…  He just looked at me and shook his head. *laughing*

With other folks, it’s been kind of useful in telling them.  Both J. and my friend P. noted my bit of an “awkward gait.”  I mean, I know I kind of…maybe…  But it’s entirely different if another party, an outside observer, tells you! Wow.

So, now that I’m Aspie’ing all over everywhere, it’s time to somehow re-learn some of those “coping mechanisms” that I probably didn’t even know I learned in the first place?

Or, just remain a spaz. *rolls eyes*

Now, for what I did last night.  I woke up terribly stressed and looked at “Teddy.”  Teddy has always been called “Teddy” as I could not name him.  I could not talk.  I was a baby.  Teddy was the first stuffed animal ever given to me.

Oh boy, did I love Teddy! I slept with him every night, played with him every day! By the time I was five? Poor Teddy! He had a ring on his back to wind up a little music box inside him and that was shot.  He was falling apart and his stuffing was coming out in chunks.  We had a neighbour who offered to “fix” Teddy.  I thought that was really good! Fix Teddy! Fix Teddy!

She put a “Permanent Suit” on Teddy!!! And no more Teddy Music!!! I was so mad and upset but I couldn’t SAY anything! It’s kind of funny now and I am so happy that I still have Teddy.  I’m 39 years old.  Teddy’s just about the same.

Sorry, some Teddy History.  I think it’s important to know, however.

Now, this might sound completely insane to NTs out there but maybe not so much to Spectrum Folks.  I thought, maybe if I bring Teddy to bed with me, he could explain some things.  Maybe something from the past? Anything else at all I don’t remember? My memory is obliterated from trauma.

I woke up with this fuzzy image of me being maybe four, chewing on my bed sheets and pulling them back and forth.  It was like I wanted to rip them to shreds.  Downstairs, mom and non-bio dad were, again, on the verge of committing Double-Homicide.  Was it a dream? Was it a reality from my past?

Well, if it did happen, I’m sure Teddy was with me.  He always was.


  1. Lili

    I can SO relate. Until SU received the adult diagnosis of Aspie(though his uncle and Mom received the same thing) he was in turmoil. I unfortunately had come straight from an all singing all dancing bper family(7 kids two adults woo hoo!). My diagnosis was no surprise. SU still doesn’t acknowledge it though.We’re still working on that as unipolar is also one of his issues.

    Baby steps..

    and you are awesome..pick a truffle..(dont you dare say anything other than chocolate


  2. Hi Lili. Thanks for taking the time to read this post. It was a really long one so I hope others will as well? Or they may not find it so “interesting.”

    Between you and SU, you’d be quite the genetic study prospect! I know that some stuff runs back beyond my mother on her side but I know nothing about bio dad.

    Thanks for your support and another chocolate truffle. *grin*


  3. Lili

    Everyone will love your post. it’s just the weekend and you know how that is. I thought about having kids a while ago and he said yes but I knew he wouldn’t be up to the task of an aspie/bipolar kid so we decided on adoption. Then the hyst came and I thought: I’m done. There will be no more raising of kids.(I raised my little brother, a lot of Godkids, nieces and nephews) Game over.

    I have been studied(bad stories best saved for later but the jist: 6 year old takes test after test only to have teacher toss her results in the trash because “those people” can’t score that high. I did it 1st, 3rd(skipped second),4th, and 5th grades) By the 5th grade I was wetting myself out of nervousness and my bipolar mom stepped in for my peace of mind and all testing came to a grinding halt. I could catch my breath and wouldn’t get sent away for “special” testing….


  4. Hi Lili, thanks for the compliment re: my post.

    I can understand your perspective on the kids issue.

    All of that testing does sound pretty, damn ugly. I don’t recall any specific testing but I do remember falling into the “gifted” category when I was little (yes…very typical, right?) They would haul me and a few other kids out of class and we’d do these funny “exercises” on cards that we’d pull out of boxes and all of that.

    Perhaps that was the “testing?” Or they were just trying to keep our little, smarty-pants brains more engaged because the rest of the class material was too boring?

    I don’t know. I just did what I was told.

    I have never had any sort of psych tests, though.


  5. Lili

    That “gifted” crap was the bane of my existence. I had to guess what was on the other side of the card. I had to guess where there were “pretty things” I would have to take tests and every single time they were calculated they were thrown out. By high school I knew how to fake it like a champion lol.


  6. Hi Lili. Again, memory so gone so I really don’t remember much at all except it just…was. It happened but no real details.

    By the time I hit high school, the ADD kicked in full force and school went to hell. I had to fight so hard to get an ‘A’ average when I finished.

    Then with uni. attempt number two, Bipolar kicked in full force and I was whipping along like nuts. But a battle happened between the ADD and the Bipolar. I think the ADD definitely won as I dropped out.

    Uni. attempt number one was an utter disaster and only lasted a month (as opposed to two years for the above.) That was because I was an Aspie spaz and couldn’t handle, yes, more than one month!


  7. Lili

    I wish I had no memories. The mania had me at the top of my game forever. If I had so much as one depression(there weren’t many back then) I did research. So AA,BA,and MA came as they did-all while working full time. Only to have a complete breakdown 9 years later lol.


  8. I know, Lili. It’s all such a bitch. I think my comorbidities really had a lot to do with things when I look back now. I mean, sure, you can take each dx. I have and apply it to periods, incidents etc… in my life but when you bundle them all together–well, that’s quite a recipe for…?

    Except maybe the Epilepsy and the Migraines way back when. They weren’t so bad, if even existent (i.e. Migraines) until adulthood. Epilepsy, certainly nothing compared to what the hell it has morphed into now!

    It basically stopped for a period when I was growing up and then came back when I was an adult. It can do that or it can just stop period. It really depends upon what type of seizure activity is going on and other factors. What I find interesting is how it can or may be tied into all of my other mental issues.

    It’s an interesting question; or something to “simply” sit and ponder at least. There is interest out there in the medical community but nothing is definitive. This is Neurology!

    Shit, we’ve gone so off topic here! *laughing* Oh, well…happy to talk about my ridiculous brain apart from Asperger’s specifically?


  9. lili

    LOL what was the original topic again? We can start over.


  10. Oh dear, lili. Yes. My journey so far with Asperger’s and a whole lot of stuff regarding it. Things that have happened so far since I got my dx.

    So, I wonder if anyone has something to say about that, then. The content of the post.


  11. lili

    Well my SU thinks he’s special and its the rest of the world that needs to suck it up and be understanding. He thinks that because he doesn’t play the false game of niceness that he’s penalized-and he doesn’t give a crap-he likes his world and has no plans to leave it-for anyone.


  12. Hi lili. Wow. Well, that’s quite an opinion or set of opinions. Do you think it is due to him having Asperger’s or just his general sense of the world (if that makes sense–maybe not as can you separate the two?)

    Good question, PA. I don’t think having Asperger’s colours everything I see in the world because I’m not consciously thinking of it 24/7 but it is a part of my psychological make-up.

    Shit. Now, I’m really heading off in a wild direction. It may be because I’ve taken my meds and I’m getting all loopy! *laughing*

    Am I sounding more intelligent when I feel stoned or more stupid?

    I always say that all Mental illnesses and Developmental Disorders manifest differently in everyone (because they do.) So, hmmm…

    So, as you describe it, I could see a NT having the same feelings. Or maybe I can’t because I’m having a difficult time with my “Mindblindness” or “Theory of Mind.”

    Actually, I have some posts I want to write about that…

    But really, I’m being serious about my question.


  13. lili

    It’s a set of opinions that he’s always had. I can’t know if its him being aspie or if that’s how he sees the world(maybe both?) Lol you never sound stoned,loopy,or stupid. But wait a couple of hours when I mix this sherry with seroquel lol.


  14. oh man. the floodgates! yes.

    i’ve spent the last two days in an overloaded mess. i’m not entirely sure what i’m ‘doing’ that ive never done before, i can always remember having stims, but mostly hiding them. i think. i believe i always had weird postures and hand movements that struck people as odd.

    i notice myself monologue and monopolize conversation far more than i used to as a kid, because as a kid i was so damn quiet!! getting occasionally gregarious happened later on.

    rachel on describes this sort of letting go as well. oh yeah. im too fucking tired to pretend anymore.


  15. lili

    note to self: no port sherry and seroquel-bad dreams will be the result. Good for you on the coming out party. SU is down to tapping mostly. He is double jointed and puts his legs and feet in these creepy positions because they’re comfortable to him. SU is not really a talker. He can be social but after a bit it’s too much for him. (With the exceptions of talking with me and his best friend)


  16. Hi lili. Yes, that’s what I was trying to say about both?

    Me not sounding stoned, loopy or stupid? Obviously you haven’t read a significant portion of my blog? *laughing*

    Sorry about the booze and Seroquel. Yes, drinking on meds and then sleep right after (or hell, drinking on meds completely) can be bad!

    Thanks about the “Coming Out Party!” Yes, I’ve wanted to write this post for a while but just hadn’t gotten around to it. I used to tap incessantly from being a kid up until my late 20s or so. I looked like the best drummer on earth! Rock and Roll, baby! Plus, I had “bouncy leg” (and still do) so I guess that was for the bass drum.

    However, all of that only lasted until people started shitting on me for it being “annoying.” Then I quickly put an end to it! Unless I was alone? *wink*

    Yes, I can get totally exhausted after social, too. Unless a comorbidity kicks in and then I’m a blabbermouth. Or, I’m blabbing about my “Narrowed Focus of Interest/s.” Mostly medicine, of course.

    Hi karen. Good to see you get it too–well, in a sort of good way!

    I can totally get you on the stimming stuff. I ended up hiding them as above. Now my weird hand gestures are totally coming out and ‘geez, some “new” ones that I don’t know if I had as a kid. Maybe? Again, don’t remember!

    I was so quiet as a kid too. But now I have massive timing with reciprocity and yes, monopolization. That’s also very AD(H)D so again…thank you happy brain! Also, AD(H)D and Bipolar have so much in common so at times I don’t know which way is up! Or down or sideways, backwards, on the floor or ceiling… *rolls eyes*

    I love my comorbidities!

    Thanks for the link. Will check out.


  17. lili

    SU does the bouncy leg thing too and also has this thing where he flexes his foot front to back constantly-now THAT makes me bananas and I want to pinch him lol. When I’m trying to watch TV I can’t have all the extra moment in other places.


  18. Hi lili. I’m finding this interesting how a lot of the “classic” stims aren’t showing up here–even though I’ve only had two commenters on the post.

    I do a lot of flexing movements too and I crack my joints. I’ve cracked my joints forever–all the way back to when I was a kid. A lot of people find that annoying but I’ll never give that one up!

    I don’t do the flexi/bendy stuff on a continual basis, though. It’s more…I don’t know, I just do it when I feel I need to do it. But that’s what stimming is all about.


  19. lili

    The SU has said that he’s spent a lot of years learning to not do certain things but other stuff he just has to do it when he has to. So he does but sometimes it just makes me nuts because ADD psycho that I am there will be too much going on-the tv, music, outside noises, then him doing all these different movements…lol


  20. Hi lili. Again, the pattern of suppressing the things that Spectrum folks do or feel they need to but then just having to and saying to hell with it. But sometimes you can’t say to hell with it! You get overloaded so you stim!

    That is interesting because you are ADHD with a big, screaming “H” so you get overloaded in a different way! Or even in similar ways! In fact, with some of us Aspies the exact same ways!

    There’s a relatively significant comorbidity rate between Asperger’s and AD(H)D too. Heh. I love research.


  21. lili

    Lol if I find out we have aspie in my genetic code someone needs to call the discovery channel and take a look inside my head lol. I am never,ever good at any form of restraint. I mean it’s a real issue. I have worked on coping mechanisms but sometimes….It’s like…call the brother and try to talk it out. Before someone calls LAPD on me lol. Me and overstimulation=bad lili


  22. oh yesterday i TOTALLY had a moment. i couldn’t suppress it at all. yes too overstimulated. too tired. it was during an awkward moment. i realized seconds after i did it… whoa that was OUT LOUD!! lol

    im always stretching and moving and making weird postures and i have yoga as an excuse now! woot. i was always cracking knuckles too.

    my dad and i play with things. spin objects and the like. drives the mother crazy. too bad. if i do it, i can listen, if i don’t, i’ll jump out of my skin and run out of the room. or just shut down. i’ll just look like i heard ya.


  23. lili

    LOL Karen! The shutting down! The SU will do that and will swear he’s listening. I just glare at him and say do you HONESTLY think I can’t tell when you’ve shut down? Repeat to me what I just said and he’ll just look at me lol.


  24. Hi lili. Well, that’s the direction they are “head”ed in! If I hear one more person yelp about vaccines I’ll grab the biggest cork I can find and ram it straight into their ridiculous mouths!

    Call the LAPD! *laughing* lili=bad. You funny, lili. Equally funny is the biz. with your SU. However, we all get to know our partners after at least some time?

    Really now, SU. You may be shutting down but you are not invisible. Yes, we Aspies have our moments when “we run away, run away…” Still, we don’t have Superhero Powers!

    Hi karen. *laughing* That’s all great too. I love the part about shutting down as well and just looking like you heard the person.

    I’m trying to recall if I’ve done any “OUT LOUD” stuff. I can just be terribly BLUNT sometimes. Like, I may really lay something on the line and say: “That’s just fucking stupid.”

    Whereas…a better response could be a bit more measured? Maybe I could have said something like: “Well, I really don’t understand why. That seems rather strange to me.” That might be a good example? I don’t know. *shakes head*

    I’m not always like that but again, I have my moments.


  25. lili

    Oh I won’t even let my friend Patt send me one more word about vaccines. Yeah I think me and SU know each other too damn well. Yes there are really and truly a good and bad Lili-seriously. Lol yeah if SU could suddenly go invisible he’d do it.


  26. Hey lili. Well, it’s “good” to hear that there is a good side to you. I know there is though. *pokes tongue out*

    Maybe SU becoming invisible would be a good thing for you?


  27. lili

    Well I’m the one saying it’s a good side. You’d have to ask everyone else to see if it’s really true :) (They’re probably lying to me)


  28. lili

    Oh and yes the SU would really want to become invisible sometimes unless he wants crockery chucked at his forehead…


  29. Hi lili. Well, I know you are joking but in all Aspie seriousness, I don’t know how people perceive me. I hope they like me and think I am “nice.”

    Flying kitchenware! Whee! (…not so whee…) *laughing*


  30. lili

    I understand to some amount aspies so I think they’re nice. There is no underlying stuff going on (say in the way that maybe BPD or schizophrenic people have-not to generalize I’m nuttier than most but I’m just talking about regular interactions) that may come to bite you in the behind later.


  31. when i said out loud i meant *stims* out loud. haha like not verbal.

    how can a hand flap be out loud? well, it can be. :P


  32. lili

    Lol karen the tapping or drumming the thigh and the foot going up and down on the floor(Lili grips her ears and puts on the headphones)


  33. First, WTF? It must be the wine, as I didn’t see all of these comments. Just lili’s first one. I’m going to blame technology and not the wine. *laughing*

    Well, lili, I must say, I have a bit of an “aversion” to the word “nice.” That is why I put it in quotation marks. It’s such a generic term. However, it’s not negative so, still…if people think I’m “nice,” it’s all good.

    I try very hard (and believe I succeed?) in not making generalizations about anyone with a dx. I think everyone can be “nice.” However, I will equalize that somewhat and say that a lot of people can be “not nice.”

    I just roll the dice. And that rhymes! You know I can’t stay away from word play!

    And about me getting all bouncy and that? *laughing* I’m really not that bad! Trust me, I actually rely on my own iPod to block out stimulus/i most of the time, so there!

    It’s more when I get a bit kind of worked “hyper” but it’s so fucking hard to explain because of my damn comorbidities! ARGH!!!

    Hi karen. *laughing so hard* Too much that I took you literal, huh? Well, that’s just how it goes sometimes, right?

    Well, a hand flap can be out loud, for sure! You just start flapping in closer proximity! Then you’re applauding the crowd!

    Then you want to die.


  34. lili

    I just sort of meant nice as in the pleasing to me, agreeable type range. But hey if you don’t want to be either of those types you don’t have to :) You still get a truffle a day.


  35. No, No, lili!!! PA be nice, PA be nice!!!


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