Embrace Your Inner Aspie

August 16, 2009 in ADD, Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, Medicine, Migraines, Patient Advocacy, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Seizures, The Tummy Blues, Therapy, You Decide

NOTE: At the end of this I added something I did last night that may have brought something back from childhood.  It has made this post longer but perhaps even more relevant? That is for you to decide.

Something strange happened when I received my diagnosis of Asperger’s at the end of March, 2009.  As you can see from the date of this post, it has been 4.5 months now.

At first, I was so relieved that someone agreed with me for what I had known for years.  It wasn’t like I felt I needed a tattoo on my forehead from a “Medical Professional,” however, when you already have a boatload of diagnoses as I do, I did feel that it was an appropriate and responsible thing to address.

Not to mention, personally, it was pissing me off.  I’d been screwed over for so many years, not getting adequate treatment; it was the last thing on my “Mental Laundry List.”  It had almost become a vendetta to get that diagnosis!

So “the strange?” After that initial sense of “relief” wore off (and it was pretty damn quick) the Asperger’s Floodgates opened right up! No, it was downright bizarre! I started spazzing out all over! Well, I wasn’t falling down on the floor shaking and quaking (that would have maybe been me having a seizure?) Yuk, yuk, yuk… Yuck, indeed.

No, it was like I started “regressing,” somehow! It’s very hard to explain but let’s see what we can do here.

I can say with absolute confidence that I would have never received my diagnosis if I didn’t “prove” it.  I would have appeared too “High Functioning.”  Oh, screw that! How can you measure what that means? I even wrote a post about it ages ago! Still, the reason I would have “appeared” so “High Functioning” is because I learned to adapt and develop some sort of “coping mechanisms” as I reached adulthood.  I know this because I no longer arrange cans and what not in precise order, I no longer count my steps when I walk and if they get out order or if I “step on something that is wrong” I get all anxious—just a couple of things I did as a kid.

Well, guess who is now again stepping in patterned ways and avoiding “icky stuff” on the pavement when she gets anxious? “Icky stuff?” What does that mean? What doesn’t match, avoiding cracks…things like that.  Only “clean pavement.”

I don’t know because I am an adult but I think there is a huge difference between getting diagnosed with Asperger’s as an adult as opposed to a child or adolescent.  I’m not sure what that difference is but I know it must exist! Or what the differences are, plural! As I always say—individual manifestations!

I’ve had three “meltdowns” that are classic Asperger’s/Spectrum behavioural results of becoming overstimulated.  That has never happened to me before (lest one instance I can remember from childhood.)  Maybe there were more that I can’t remember but…  Again, since my diagnosis, three in such rapid succession? I’ve even done the classic “hand flapping stim” a couple of times, which I have never done before! Boy, if I didn’t know what it felt like to have Asperger’s, I sure do now! Like my post says: Embrace Your Inner Aspie!

It doesn’t so much “bother” me.  I guess I was just so shocked (and still kind of am) at how something might just make PA lose it! Still, I have Asperger’s.  That’s just the way it is.  The people that I know and have told are all fine about it—totally cool and sometimes it’s actually pretty hysterical.

For example, J. was BBQ’ing a roast on a rotisserie and it was all wrapped up in the strings that were in a criss-cross pattern.  I was completely mesmerized by watching it turn around and around and around…  He just looked at me and shook his head. *laughing*

With other folks, it’s been kind of useful in telling them.  Both J. and my friend P. noted my bit of an “awkward gait.”  I mean, I know I kind of…maybe…  But it’s entirely different if another party, an outside observer, tells you! Wow.

So, now that I’m Aspie’ing all over everywhere, it’s time to somehow re-learn some of those “coping mechanisms” that I probably didn’t even know I learned in the first place?

Or, just remain a spaz. *rolls eyes*

Now, for what I did last night.  I woke up terribly stressed and looked at “Teddy.”  Teddy has always been called “Teddy” as I could not name him.  I could not talk.  I was a baby.  Teddy was the first stuffed animal ever given to me.

Oh boy, did I love Teddy! I slept with him every night, played with him every day! By the time I was five? Poor Teddy! He had a ring on his back to wind up a little music box inside him and that was shot.  He was falling apart and his stuffing was coming out in chunks.  We had a neighbour who offered to “fix” Teddy.  I thought that was really good! Fix Teddy! Fix Teddy!

She put a “Permanent Suit” on Teddy!!! And no more Teddy Music!!! I was so mad and upset but I couldn’t SAY anything! It’s kind of funny now and I am so happy that I still have Teddy.  I’m 39 years old.  Teddy’s just about the same.

Sorry, some Teddy History.  I think it’s important to know, however.

Now, this might sound completely insane to NTs out there but maybe not so much to Spectrum Folks.  I thought, maybe if I bring Teddy to bed with me, he could explain some things.  Maybe something from the past? Anything else at all I don’t remember? My memory is obliterated from trauma.

I woke up with this fuzzy image of me being maybe four, chewing on my bed sheets and pulling them back and forth.  It was like I wanted to rip them to shreds.  Downstairs, mom and non-bio dad were, again, on the verge of committing Double-Homicide.  Was it a dream? Was it a reality from my past?

Well, if it did happen, I’m sure Teddy was with me.  He always was.