Fucking Paralyzed and Petrified

August 26, 2009 in ADD, Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, Cranky, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Spock, The Tummy Blues, Therapy


I’ve only had one tea so I will have at least another.  I made a comment last night that I feel I am now in a “do or die,” situation.  Well, I need to “do” but I feel like I am “dying” right now!

I’m still shitting all over the person I know and acting like an immature, little twat.  I feel guilty as all hell about that and it’s making me think of how I’ve destroyed so many other good things from my past.  I can’t figure out if I’m cycling or not or if my moods are just plain old fucked.

What do they say? “Fear is a great motivator?” Well, last night I was frustrated to the max.  I just wanted to steamroll the hell out of everything.  I was like, “Bring it on!” I felt like I was ready to take on the world, even though I was still pretty scared.  It was the “do” as opposed to the “die.”

Now, yep.  I’m “dying.”  And here I sit, making a blog post, still waiting to have another tea while I should be getting my “dying ass” out the door to “do” everything!!!

I’ve even been crying.  My stomach is in knots.  I’ve been spending a fair amount of time on the toilet and I feel like I’m going to barf.

Come on, PA! “DO!!!”

Go start with your second tea…

Where the fuck is Spock!!!

12 Comments

  2. Lili

    August 26, 2009 at 15:41

    Okay hold on lets take a deep breath, break a dish, take a valium and try to get a grip(even if its on someones neck)

    You WILL be fine. You WILL find solutions to the things that are working your nerves. You are PA you have meltdowns then you rise up and move on.

    You CAN and WILL be able to handle this. Or your immediate area will have to deal with me-and no one wants that :)

    Many hugs-deep breaths honey one step at a time.

    Like

  3. Lili

    August 26, 2009 at 15:42

    Spock is in there. No worries whatsoever.

    Like

  4. Ari

    August 26, 2009 at 15:48

    stress can paralyze anybody.

    I agree with Lili. This calls for a deep breath, maybe another cup of tea, and some sitting.

    Don’t beat yourself up for freaking out. Totally natural. You’ll get better and then do what you gots to do.

    Like

  5. findingmecrazy

    August 26, 2009 at 16:07

    Yes, I agree with the others, calm yourself down, take a deep breath and have another cup of tea. It’s ok to freak out sometimes, everybody has their moments. Hope you’re ok x

    Like

  6. patientanonymous

    August 26, 2009 at 18:44

    Hi Lili. Well, I was trying to take deep breaths. I’m not a “dish breaker” or an “anything thrower.” In fact, right now I’ve just turned on one of the Classical Music stations so we’ll see how that goes over for my brain.

    Things like that are too violent for PA, though. She’s a pussycat. There was enough of that crazy shit going on at home so that’s scary! Yelling and screaming and…no, that I can’t handle.

    Thanks for your support.

    And yes. I managed to find a bit of Spock. Even if it was “Shaky Spock.”

    Hi Ari. Thanks to you, too. It’s just so…I feel like I’m on such a bloody roller coaster! Like you and I were saying: “Do or Die!” Well, roller coaster, see saw…whatever. I’m going back and forth but I know I have to “do.”

    Hi findingmecrazy. I’m kind of laughing at your moniker right now because it should be: findingPAcrazy! Thanks to you too, love. I hope you are okay, as well.

    Like

  7. lili

    August 26, 2009 at 20:08

    I hope the music calms you down into serene spock soon.

    Like

  8. patientanonymous

    August 26, 2009 at 21:07

    Hi lili. Nope. Well…I’m not sure. I think I need something a little more uptempo. Well, more “uptempo” than Classical. Like some kind of…

    *PA scoots to CDs*

    Like

  9. lili

    August 26, 2009 at 21:10

    And shuffles through 8,257 songs on her playlist…by 4 am tomorrow morning PA will say “This is it!” and neighbors will come a knockin’

    Like

  10. patientanonymous

    August 26, 2009 at 21:29

    He, he, lili! No, not on baby MacBook. On the stereo. But shutting down TweetDeck, as it is definitely getting in the way!

    I have selected the CD “Rolling” by a group called “Rest Area.” They are from Montreal and are a…kind of a, yes, uptempo, jazz, fusion, electronica band? Or maybe even a bit downtempo? *laughing*

    That’s what makes this type of music so much fun.

    I picked up the CD on spec for a few bucks. A good deal! I’ll send you the first track that is my fave, just to give you a taste? There are some vocal tracks but for this type of music (and for a lot of traditional jazz–sorta, kinda, mostly…I prefer instrumental.)

    And…well, this crossover, groove stuff, too? Instrumental. Some of the women? Quit moaning! *laughing!*

    Case in point: *PA skips to next track*

    Like

  11. lili

    August 26, 2009 at 21:31

    Hahaahhahahaha yep I switched over to the Peas.

    Like

  12. patientanonymous

    August 26, 2009 at 21:47

    Hey lili, go with the flow.

    Like


«
»

Leave a comment