I was going to delete last night’s post.  In retrospect, it looks like “The Lovechild of Mental Illness and Creativity Gone Bad.”  However, it has received some comments so I’m not sure.  I could still nuke it, but I’m in rather a state, you see.  Actually, more than “rather?” I do not know how you measure a “rather,” but for now, suffice it to say: I.Am.One.Huge.Mess.

I knew I would be today.  I just didn’t know the mess would be this huge.  I knew that I wouldn’t be able to “jump back in” to “jump starting my life,” again.  But wow.  I’m just sitting here like a statue that wants to cry.  Can statues cry? Well, this statue is also typing so I suppose tears are a definite possibility.

I don’t understand what is happening here.  Alright.  I had the worst seizure you could ever have.  Fine.  I have Epilepsy and I know this.  I also know (or knew), that having a tonic-clonic after a Complex Partial (and even more so after several–which I have had) increases the possibility of having a tonic-clonic to a greater degree.  This is all well and good, and completely makes sense–despite how much I never wanted to have one.  I mean, who one earth wants to have a tonic-clonic seizure???

So, it’s happened, it’s over and done with, let’s move on.  But wait.  Something’s wrong.  And I can’t figure it out.

I stayed in bed almost all day.  Yep, hid from the world.  Severe depression but I got a “surprise” VM from my landlord, when I finally became mobile.  He and a plumber were coming by! I had all of about a half hour to get ready (ready?) Aw, bugger it! I was wandering around in a daze in some of my hospital pyjamas. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, did that seizure do something to me? I’m not sure.  Physically, I seem to still be having issues with my body temperature regulation (or dysregulation?) That was a completely new post-“ick”tal© symptom for me.  Even last night, I was pretty damn stripped down, and the duvet was on/off/on/off.  That’s neurological.  Not to mention, those areas of the brain I have “implicated” re: other things that have happened with different seizures that I have had.  Yes? *sighs*

I’m not sure if there are any other “physical” things still lying around.  Some transient nausea, some headaches but that could be tied to stress, the psychological…  Mind-Body Connection?

Which of course is next.  What the hell is holding me back? Well, no doubt stress! I can almost feel it running through my veins, dripping from my pores.  I say “almost” because I’m too damn depressed to move.  However, I know it’s there.

It’s like, everything was running to plan (or as much as I could try make it run), just a little over a week ago.  Just about a week!

Now, it’s not like I had some massive Bipolar trigger and my moods went completely out of control.  No.  I didn’t have some absolutely, out-of-this-world, Asperger’s meltdown.  No.  My ADD doesn’t make me flip out and go all spinny.  No.  Never, ever, ever have I had a seizure make me wig out! I’ve just been post-“ick”tal© for a few days, at most, then it’s back to business as usual.

Did having an actual tonic-clonic somehow screw me up psychologically? Did it subconsciously freak me out? If so, on top of, is something still, fucking, fried neurologically so my body just isn’t back to its normal state? Also, this tonic-clonic came right on the heels of a questionable nocturnal seizure that I had, the night before I had my first consult with Non-Arsey Neuro.  We both discussed it and were sort of scratching our heads, as my legs were really sore and a bit weak, and I felt distinctly post-“ick”tal©.  The tonic-clonic happened just a few days later.

And here’s another thing that isn’t making sense in my world right now, either.  I weighed myself at J.’s and asked him if his scale was as accurate as when he went to his doctor.  He said, yes, pretty much.  His scale said I weighed 95lbs.!!! I ate more during my week at J.’s than I ever do on my own, and I have been making an effort to eat more on my own! Let’s hope his scale is bloody, well wrong, as I can’t figure out how I’ve lost 5lbs.!

Something just isn’t right here.  I knew I would probably need a bit of time to try and get everything in order.  Calls to make appts., I’ve got other business to attend to, both medical and non-medical…it’s like…I just can’t even think straight.  I don’t even know if this post is coherent but take all the time to proof PA! All you’re doing is drinking tea and water, hoping it stays down because you’re pukey as all hell, and your head is hurting, and…oh, my!

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  1. lili

    I am so sorry things are hellish right now. Maybe give yourself the weekend to just relax and think?

    Hugs

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  2. Hi lili. Thanks, hon.’ Hugs back.

    Well, I did know I would need the weekend to do that. Absolutely. But again, something seems to have gone desperately wrong, here!

    Or maybe not, now that I have just re-read this.

    Of course I had to recover from the seizure. That was without question. Now that I am home, well one business day to race around and try to do everything? Maybe not the best idea.

    I don’t understand what has happened, though. Perhaps I was this messed up all along, but I didn’t realize it as I was with J. I was supposed to be messed up because I was sick! There was no need to think about it. The only thing I was supposed to do was get well.

    Now that I’ve seemed to have thought(?) I was well enough to come home…return to “business as usual…” Maybe I’m not well enough.

    Just thinking about that now is incredibly frightening.

    I don’t have time to be “unwell,” even if I don’t have a choice in the matter.

    Like

  3. raginggenius

    Wow, girl, 95lbs… I’m going to keep my eye on you. You know my e-mail address if you need me. Are you small boned and normally a tiny person? I have dumped a bunch of weight like that before, not a good sign. You will be in my thoughts. XOXOXO

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  4. One foot in front of the other time eh?
    You have my sympathy, for whatever it’s worth. Which can’t be much consideration I’ve been trying to think of something witty for the last three hours and I still can’t think of anything. Oh wait.

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  5. Hi raginggenius. Thanks, doll. Again, I really hope J.’s scale is off! I know how easy it is for those bathroom ones to “die” and/or not be accurate like proper medical ones.

    I got down to 90lbs. when I got sick with all of the Gastro Hell. It really doesn’t make any sense to me that I have lost any weight. *shakes head* I can never tell as I gain and lose in an even distribution, I guess you could say. Also, I have no perception of myself…I can never tell!

    So, yes…as above re: the perception? I guess you might say I am small boned? Some people have said that but I’m not really fragile or anything! Maybe it is all perception? Ex-partner said I looked “gaunt” when I got so sick! I thought she was out of her mind!!!

    I’m not a big person, though! No! I’m about 5′ 2″ and sure, some people might say small boned and tiny. I look young too. I’m 39 and people usually guess me maybe 10 years younger. Sometimes. That may give you a clue as well? Maybe that qualifies as “small boned and tiny?” *laughing*

    Thanks as well for the offer of your email and support too. That means a lot.

    Hugs,
    PA

    Hi NiroZ. Thanks to you too. Indeed.

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  6. raginggenius

    I understand how perception plays a role. I got way to thin and I didn’t realize it and neither did my husband until we took a trip up to see the family and they freaked out at how thin I was. I did look “gaunt”. I am 5ft 6″ and was 104 and I felt like crap. I remember being freezing cold in the 95 degree weather we have here. I didn’t have any energry either. No one believes that I am 38 and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! lol My blog has my most recent picture on it in the about section and the copywrite section of my art work, just incase you are interested in what I look like. xoxox

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  7. Hi raginggenius. Holy, crap! Now that is small! Much worse than me! I became anaemic but I didn’t lose any energy. I didn’t even expect that until I got the test results.

    I agree about looking younger than you are. I never complain.

    Thanks for the heads up about the photo. I’ll have a look for sure! *grin*

    Like

  8. arifaery

    Hi there. I’m sorry I can’t give you any answers, but I do hope you are able to feel better soon. And I will also offer my email. I haven’t heard from you in a while :(. I figure you’re probably busy dealing with all this gunk, but if you need it, you can find me at any email addresses you have for me.

    {{hugs}}

    Like

  9. Hi arifaery. Thanks, hon.’ Both for the hugs and the offer of your email. That means a lot.

    Yes, I am still here…and dealing with this “gunk,” as you so aptly put it! *laughing*

    And no sad faces about emailing. You can email me too, okay?

    Like




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