Archive for September 24th, 2009


I’ve still been looking.  Looking at my face.  I have high cheekbones.  Or so I have been told? Yes.

Or so I can see?  Now?  Yes.

Cue: “Chopin Nocturne” (no, I am listening to it, soothing and appropriate.)

I am looking again in the mirror, but not for vanity’s sake, no.  For understanding.

My ex-partner called me “Gaunt,” when I became extremely, disgustingly ill.  Completely out of the blue due to gastrointestinal problems. Problems? Indeed! I dropped roughly 25-30lbs. and half of which, was in two weeks.  10 of which, I have now attained back.

Which returns me to my cheekbones.  And being: “Gaunt.”  I am showing shadows beneath them.  Is that a sign? I am smiling now.  It is taking me back to my Goth days, trying to look so “Gaunt.”  Well, who now at 39 has had the last laugh! I am smaller now than I was when a teenage Goth! This is the smallest I’ve been since…well, before I was even an adult?

And yet, even through all of the gastrointestinal illness, I did not look “Gaunt.”  No.  And my bones did not show through so much.  Not as now? No? It’s not extreme but I am seeing it.  Even as I type now, I see my wrists… *shakes head*

Perhaps it’s time to get some of that great, black gear; get myself decked out head to toe.  It looks like I may definitely suit the role.  More so than I did as a teenager.  Definitely.


I saw Merlin #2 today, and the first thing he said to me was, “How much weight have you lost?!” *laughing* I responded in my typical fashion, not knowing what the fuck I look like, with a blank stare.  This was of course after we had our happy exchange of:

“You ready PA?” (Merlin #2 more bouncy with PA, as opposed to any other patients)

“You got it Baby! Batter Up!”

Yes.  That was our exchange.  Why I made a baseball reference today, I have no clue.  It was just the first thing that popped into my head.  And yes, I called Merlin #2: “Baby!”

So…

I just said I’d jump on his scale.  I did the same thing at Non-Arsey Neuro’s on Monday.  They both showed the same: 100lbs. with clothes on.  That would mean a bit under 100lbs.  You subtract a couple of pounds or so for your clothes.

I’ve been staring at myself for a while.  I am a bit more “bone-y.”  However, the scale is not reflecting…  My face is… My cheekbones are more prominent? My clavicles? My hips, or pelvis? My wrists? Yes, they all are? My watches and my Medic-Alert Bracelet.  They are now sliding further down my forearms.

I don’t understand this.  I am losing mass? However, my skeletal structure is still weighing me in the same? Perhaps a couple of pounds on wee PA is enough to show a difference? I have no clue.  I’ve lost weight but the scale isn’t showing it? My body is reflecting it but the scale isn’t measuring it? *PA shakes head*

Well, enough about that! This is going to be long enough!

We next moved on to the tonic-clonic that he never even knew I had several weeks ago–thus necessitating me cancelling our appt. the day after. *rolls eyes* I mentioned that Non-Arsey Neuro had concerns over my Stims re: my tonic-clonic, and Merlin #2 agreed.  I then went on to make a very good argument to not take me off them!

In doing so, I said I would lose all that they have done for me.  I can now read again! They helped me so much with my job (before I was laid off!) I never had any lowering of my seizure threshold before when I was on them.  My seizures were completely under control before I lost my job, and finally…TA DA! By taking me off them, I would spiral down into a deep, dark, ugly depression that could also lower seizure threshold!

HA! Take that! Merlin #2 agreed. *PA grins*

Next! Merlin #2 filled out a form I need for the stoopid guvmunt, in order to beg for some paltry sum.  Or sums? Either way, I am going more and more broke as…well, never mind.  Let’s just say things are a disaster for me financially.  I never thought this would happen to me.  If I don’t get a job soon, I may be forced to…never mind.

More stoopid guvmunt? I called about the drug program that I am on.  They have been siphoning me dry, as I have been paying out of pocket for all of the damn meds I have to take.  It costs me hundreds of dollars a month just to try and keep my head working! I have been waiting as “patient”ly as possible for a reimbursement that is due for exceeding a/my/their co-pay.  Well.

Apparently it takes months for this to happen.  I started this plan in February of last year.  I will be getting my reimbursement (or so I have been told), at the end of this month.  I am not holding my breath.

One good thing? I had a shitload of scripts to fill from Merlin #2 today.  W00t! Perhaps because I’ve paid the stoopid guvmunt $1,000,000 already, for this quarter I’m done! The pharmacy told me everything was FREE!

FREE! FREE! FREE!

I walked out the door with what would have cost me, two to three hundred dollars, perhaps? I’m not joking about that dollar figure and those are just for a month’s supply of some.

OMG. A tiny shred of good news…finally?

FREE! FREE! FREE!

Well, only for maybe a couple of months more but I don’t care! I’m hanging by threads here!