I’m sure I’ve felt this scared at some point in my life before.  Perhaps? Maybe? I don’t know.  Perhaps not.  All I know is that I am very, very scared right now.  I was chatting with a couple of bloggers last night, and emailed another one this morning who have gotten various bits of this Post.

*sighs* Where do I start? I am feeling so fragile, and so debilitated right now.  I thought things were bad before but…? I desperately want to get back to some point, even last spring, where I was making a slight modicum of progress, a bare attempt at getting my life back on track.  Trying to secure a job after being laid off for a year (at that point), trying to not lose money hand over fist, trying to keep my head above water.

Things have deteriorated so much.  I have deteriorated so much. It is my health, you see.  It keeps stopping me at every turn.  Every chance I try to get back up, it knocks me back down–and hard. I’m not talking a simple viral infection or anything like that.  Oh, no.  A hospitalization in early June that did more ruin than respite, a seizure and two migraines that have now left me bedridden for almost six weeks.

What is scaring me so much? My health, obviously.  Where is it taking me? Well, at the moment, it is spiralling me down into Depression (with such rampant fear), that I wonder: Will things ever change? Will I ever be capable of what? Will I remain this debilitated for the rest of my life? I am not being dramatic, here.  I am being very serious.

One of the things I said to one person via chat, is that people don’t see “behind the veil of PA.”  They aren’t here alone with her to talk to her; sitting in her flat by herself, being quasi-suicidal as she lately has been.  There are no “solutions,” as I can not “control” my health.  I take my medications and I try my best, but that really is all I can do.

Another thing I said to one person is that, if I had just one thing in my life, just one, out of everything that could give me some hope and guidance, something to keep be going and to believe in, it would help.  However, there are no rays of sunshine.  Everything is bleak.

There is something that Chogyam Trungpa, a Buddhist Lama said.  I may take it somewhat out of context for my Post here, but nonetheless:

“If hope is too hopeful, may I not be too hopeful.  If fear is too fearful, may I not be too fearful.”


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