Archive for October 13th, 2009

After yesterday’s and last night’s excursion through an inexplicable form of mental illness torture, I did actually get a migraine.  Now, I’m not going to rant and complain and go all wingy, as in the last few posts prior to this one.  No, I have settled down somewhat.  I am now experiencing some other inexplicable form of mental illness…  I don’t really have any words for it at the moment.

Despite the horrific “Freak Show” that I became, some good did come out of it.  I had been drinking, not to excess, really.  There wasn’t enough time! I was too busy losing my mind! However, it has now been confirmed that alcohol is a definite cause for my migraines.

Therefore, PA will now, no longer be drinking.  Or bloody hell! If she’s stupid enough to do so, she’ll regret it in an unbelievable way the next day.  Forget simply having a hangover, kids!

So, yes.  This is very good.  For someone who has a self-medication history of at least 16 years due to mental illness, plus an incredible, family, gene pool regarding alcoholism (that pool where the genes actually swim in the alcohol), this has been a problem for me basically all of my adult life.  And I hasten to say, a problem of which I am not particularly proud!

Even though I have cut down on my drinking habits of late, it still doesn’t matter.  I should not be doing it at all.  I know better.  I tell myself it’s not good.  I chastise myself after the fact.  However, when you’re addicted to something, be it psychologically or physically (I am not physically, as in I need to crack one open first thing in the morning or that my body craves it), you can talk your own ears off as much as you like.  Will it really make a difference?

Well, not for me.

I needed something as serious as this to get me to stop.  Something where it made a larger impact on my health, simply beyond already knowing it was bad for me regarding all of my mental illnesses and disorders.  I actually needed it to cause me physical pain and make me physically ill. Of that I am not particularly proud of, either!

Nonetheless, I suppose the most important thing is the fact that I am finally kicking the booze.  I should have done it long ago but no point in thinking about that.  I can’t turn back time.

Well, the ADD is all pervasive.  It never leaves.  I could wake up with another Migraine From Hell tomorrow but we’ll have to wait for that?

So, within one bloody, fucking day, we’ve (I’ve?) managed to go through all of all my diagnoses.

This is some kind of record.  No.  It is a record.  This makes no sense.

I could understand the Bipolar Cycling but then moving on to the Asperger’s in its full flourish and then a Simple Partial Seizure (even if it was a very “Simple,” Simple Partial Seizure.)

There is a Post.  A Post…somewhere down this page, past all that I have written tonight, about how I have been so very scared about my health.

I think this proves why I should be.  This makes no fucking sense.  Now I don’t know if I should be scared, angry, confused…hell, all of them and more!

Enough.  I am tired.  Not physically at the moment but I am tired of thinking about this.  Trying to solve this puzzle.  How can I get out of this trap.