After yesterday’s and last night’s excursion through an inexplicable form of mental illness torture, I did actually get a migraine.  Now, I’m not going to rant and complain and go all wingy, as in the last few posts prior to this one.  No, I have settled down somewhat.  I am now experiencing some other inexplicable form of mental illness…  I don’t really have any words for it at the moment.

Despite the horrific “Freak Show” that I became, some good did come out of it.  I had been drinking, not to excess, really.  There wasn’t enough time! I was too busy losing my mind! However, it has now been confirmed that alcohol is a definite cause for my migraines.

Therefore, PA will now, no longer be drinking.  Or bloody hell! If she’s stupid enough to do so, she’ll regret it in an unbelievable way the next day.  Forget simply having a hangover, kids!

So, yes.  This is very good.  For someone who has a self-medication history of at least 16 years due to mental illness, plus an incredible, family, gene pool regarding alcoholism (that pool where the genes actually swim in the alcohol), this has been a problem for me basically all of my adult life.  And I hasten to say, a problem of which I am not particularly proud!

Even though I have cut down on my drinking habits of late, it still doesn’t matter.  I should not be doing it at all.  I know better.  I tell myself it’s not good.  I chastise myself after the fact.  However, when you’re addicted to something, be it psychologically or physically (I am not physically, as in I need to crack one open first thing in the morning or that my body craves it), you can talk your own ears off as much as you like.  Will it really make a difference?

Well, not for me.

I needed something as serious as this to get me to stop.  Something where it made a larger impact on my health, simply beyond already knowing it was bad for me regarding all of my mental illnesses and disorders.  I actually needed it to cause me physical pain and make me physically ill. Of that I am not particularly proud of, either!

Nonetheless, I suppose the most important thing is the fact that I am finally kicking the booze.  I should have done it long ago but no point in thinking about that.  I can’t turn back time.

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  1. lili

    I’m sorry things are bad right now. I’m glad you made a helpful choice.

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  2. Thanks lili. No, it’s a good choice. Needs to be done. I hope it makes me better. Well, it should, right?

    I’m scared right now. I feel all broken. Like my brain is all really messy. Maybe I just need rest or something.

    I was not so bad earlier but it’s like now I can’t do anything.

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  3. Well honey, I am happy to hear you are going to stop drinking. Those migraines sure aren’t worth it, are they? I’m sorry things have been so bad recently. If I could reach you I would give a big bear type hug and then another one for good measure. Been thinking about you and even though I don’t always comment you know that I read here a lot and I so much hopes all this works out for you.

    XOXOXOXOXO

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  4. Hi cathy, thanks so much for coming by. It’s good to have your wonderful presence here–or at least to “see” it again.

    Thanks also for your support and the hugs and kisses. You’ve always been such a great friend and have been with me from the very beginning when I started out.

    H&K back,
    PA

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  5. Hey PA, nice to see your trying to improve things. Giving up something takes a lot of willpower, good job! If you have trouble I may be able to put you in touch with someone who has done the same thing, drop me a line if you want.

    –Canageek

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  6. Hi Canageek. Thanks. Yes, I really have to do this and have for so, so long. You are right that it does take a lot of willpower, so thank you as well for your encouragement. It’s just too bad it had to get this far! Oh, well. As I said above, I can’t go back in time, just move forward.

    I’ll keep your offer in mind if I end up having any trouble. I don’t think I will. Not at this point anyway. I know it can be a real temptation when you are trying to kick any habit, no matter what it is. Sometimes, it can be really bad if others are doing it around you as well.

    But now knowing how sick it makes me, whoa. That may give me all the willpower in the world.

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