Archive for October 26th, 2009

I have discussed this topic with my sister who is five years my senior.  In fact, we have discussed it many times.  We both have a complete: “The buck stops here!” attitude about it, actually.  However, there are multiple, marked and varied factors at play for both of us.

Even though we both suffered the same types of abuse in one way, we both had to deal with the weight of such different types, too.  Thus, as we grew older, it affected us in different ways.  Also, for the sake of this Post, I will leave out all of my diagnoses as hard as that may be.  Or, perhaps I won’t.  I may not be able to for it.  I don’t want to say they make me who I am.  I do not wish to get into the semantic, psychological and even ontological arguments regarding one with mental illnesses and disorders.  No.  Still, it shapes my perception of things.  This post is about abuse and trauma and my perception of it.  In order to deal with it, must I not perceive it somehow?

Alright, enough of the Philosophical Mumbo Jumbo.

Apart from the different forms of abuse and trauma that we both endured (only some details for brevity), how did we both fare in “Ending the Cycle?” How are we both faring to this day?

Well, I must say that she’s winning the race! *rolls eyes* She has three children so that has made a huge impact! It has pushed her to the extremist point, probably in that fact alone! She loves them so much, and despite the fact (more abuse and trauma…) that their father is a real doozy of an alcoholic, she has done an amazing job as a single mother (with Fibromyalgia that limits her to only working part time, might I add!)

I question if her age has anything to do with it.  I think that is inconsequential.  I do know that she completely cut off non-bio dad (her bio dad), and his side of the family a very long time ago.  She had very good reason to cut him off.  Not a pretty sight there, in terms of abuse and trauma.  On that note, I do wonder to this day about myself in that area.  I have so little memory of anything growing up at home, and that includes this disgusting realm.  I have asked my sister, and she has said she doesn’t recall a thing regarding me.  Nothing.  I still wonder, though.

The only tender spot that still comes around for her every once in a while, is the fact that she tends to ignore our extremely, mentally ill mother.  I always tell her to get over it.  It’s not such a big deal. *laughing*

And in terms of laughter, at least one good thing about the living hell we went through, is that my sister and I now get along? We may not be as thick as thieves (well, we are definitely close), it’s just that our contact is not so steady.  It’s quite erratic, really.  Although, what would or should you expect? The entire family, even in extended form, is completely fractured beyond all recognition! It’s amazing one solid relationship still exists at all! Plus, it took us years to even establish it, despite that fact we were already siblings!

So, where am I? Well, I gave non-bio dad the boot several years ago.  You see, both of the Parental Units elevate Self-Absorption, Attention Seeking Behaviour, Passive-aggressive behaviour, wow…just all of it right through the 96th Floor’s Penthouse Ceiling! As a result, I have some “issues” with these things.  I understand very well that we, as human beings, can be the utmost, fragile entities.  We all need love and care.  However, with PA, there is a threshold and a tolerance level with these acts.  She is an extremely, patient and forgiving person.  But with those, above, acts and behaviours, even with her threshold and tolerance level quite high, due to the abuse and trauma, she will go batshit in dealing with them!!!

Non-bio dad really wasn’t such a “dad,” at all.  When I was a teenager, after he and Mental Mommy became divorced, he was like my “buddy.”  At the time, I thought that was just the coolest thing, ever.  He bought me alcohol for parties (although, I was a “good girl” and never really drank, much less being such an unpopular, Aspie kid, I hardly got invited to any parties, anyway.)  However, he was completely inappropriate.  He told me things, and discussed matters largely sexual in content; things a young girl (despite how bloody mature I was), should not have heard!

He also continued to pull more unbelievable crap when I was an adult, and just about sold me down the river financially.  Minus a paddle or two.

It was funny though, as still having that notion in my mind, that “buddy thing,” I still felt we were so close.  I still felt I could rely upon him.  Well, the financial disaster woke me up pretty quickly (I managed to recover quite the tidy, little sum, thankfully.)

Also, he pulled another Self-Absorbed, Attention Seeking Behavioural, Passive-agressive manoeuvre on me, just when I needed him most (or at the time.)  Finally what did it, though, was sending me a quasi-suicidal, birthday present in the form of a spammy email.  It was one of those (KILL ME NOW!!!) PowerPoint slide shows of van Gogh paintings (okay, not so bad on the eyes?) yet it was accompanied by Don McLean’s version of “Starry Starry Night.”

Is the “irony” lost on anyone here? van Gogh was a severely disordered man, spent time in a mental institution, and whose death was suicide? Non-bio dad is a very, very intelligent man.  In fact, so is Mental Mommy, in a “brilliant madness,” type of way.

That “birthday present” put a halt to all communication with non-bio dad through a flurry of emails, more of his painful-make-PA-go-batshit-behaviour as already stated.  I can almost feel my eyes turning red, my brain splitting in two and my hair about set itself on fire, just reliving all of this! GAH! Kidding.  Still, he is…I can not find the words!

Mental Mommy? Well, I must admit I am still tied to her to a degree.  More so than my sister is for sure–but for very different reasons, as well.  In its most succinct form for me, I want to try and find out as much information as I can about bio dad.  It may be difficult due to her denial, conflicting stories, such skeletons in the closet.  Not to mention her periods of lucidity where even I can not distinguish the real from the not.  I have made some strides in that area, though.  I just have to keep hammering away at it.

I guess in a way, then, that is part of my portion of Ending the Cycle of Abuse.  The “Dirty Little Secret” of my entire existence was known to everyone but me, until I was 29! Talk about a hit of trauma and abuse that gave me! So in seeking out as much truth as I possibly can there, that may assist in some way of ending at least a bit more of my “Cycle.”