Archive for October, 2009

I read something yesterday that just about made me fall off…well, I was on the floor so it’s pretty hard to fall off the floor.  However, had I been sitting on anything higher, I might just have fallen off that.

It reminded me of something that happened a few years ago, and related to that, I was reminded to go on a little bit of a hunt for a piece of writing that I didn’t know if I could find.  I was pretty sure I could find it, though.  You see, my hard drive died, and being the dunce that I am, I hadn’t done a backup beforehand.

Still, I found it.  I quite like it.  That is rather something for a writer to say.  We are always our own worst critics, of course.  That piece brought back all sorts of feelings and memories and, of course, that irony!

What can you say about that word? Well, for me, it can be a very haunting thing.  It’s happened a fair bit in my life.  I guess that may be its true nature.  Its essence? At least for me, perhaps.  It is there to haunt me.  And as such, I don’t particularly like it.  Unless when it seems to pop up, I have had sufficient time to deal with whatever situation where it applies.

Yesterday, it was alright.  I think? I think. There’s another good one! Another thing that haunts me; albeit in a different way.  That is because it is a constant and irony is not.  I can’t turn off my brain! Okay, none of us can.  Me? Good lord! *rolls eyes*

I would like to do some writing today.  I am working on something, but I don’t know if this beast of irony that has now come back…will make what I am working on a bit complicated? Again, there it is, waiting in the wings for me.

I don’t feel like writing anything else.  I feel like working on this specific task, and now that I do have some motivation, I am feeling just a slight “something” in my head.  It is almost like a “conflict of interest.”

Oh, the irony.  My apologies.  That was a terrible way to end this Post.

No, I’m serious.  This is actually worthy of “Breaking News!”

My body is weird.  At least from the inside.  I think it’s alright from the outside? *shrug* Still, I don’t eat.  This can be traced back to a variety of reasons.  However, in the immediate, it has tended to work “backwards” in a certain way regarding my drinking.  Now that I have stopped drinking, it’s working…maybe sideways? Or something? Let me try and explain.

When I used to drink, I would become ravenous after the fact.  Apart from the other “benefits” I considered alcohol already gave me, I felt this was another “bonus” as I never ate! I’d come home and whip up a meal, take my meds and off to sleep I’d go.

Well, since my brain decided to explode in the worst way to date several days ago, thus necessitating me to decide to stop drinking, I am now…hungry? Without the alcohol? Alright, at first I was so sick I didn’t want to eat much, but yesterday I had a bit of cereal for lunch and then a decent portion of pasta.

This is where things have now started to get a bit nuts.  I woke up in the middle of last night, completely dying for food–even more so than when I had been drinking–ever! I didn’t finish my pasta last night so down it went, and then a huge piece of chocolate and vanilla, mousse cake.  Then in my dopey haze, back to sleep.  But it gets even better! I woke up this morning and my regular readers, sit down, hold on to something to support yourselves…get prepared!

I ate a bowl of cereal, before one, single sip of tea or even taking my meds!!!

People.  This is not me.

Not to mention the fact that this is completely all backwards, sideways, twisted around! First, I could never figure out how on earth drinking would make me starving in the first place.  I mean, it went well beyond an Aperitif! Also, if I am going through any alcohol withdrawal problems (that would be extremely slight regardless), I would be losing my appetite!!!

Either way, this is a good thing as I did confirm that, yes, I went down to 95lbs. from 100lbs.  Not good.  I still question whether I’ll ever get beyond 100lbs. ever, due to all the Gastro Hell from years ago.  But at least for my health’s sake, I need nutrition!

I also need to change my MP3, as I don’t want that other, current damn thing with the comments up there anymore from my bloody, brain blow up.  Hmmm…what to play…  I don’t know if I have anything “Food Related.” *rolls eyes*

Oh, wait! I do! *laughing*

“Peaches” by The Presidents of the USA *laughing even more*

Wait, PA.  You're Already In Outer Space

Wait, PA. Check The Rollover. You're Already There.

PA Likes Tim.  Well, His Work.  She's Terribly Arachnophobic!!!

PA Likes Tim. Well, His Craftsmanship? She's Actually Terribly Arachnophobic!!!

I can barely string enough words together to be coherent (well, maybe…slowly…and my typing sure is slow!) I guess that’s what happens when half of your brain is still lying all around one of your best friend’s apartment after your worst meltdown ever.

I wasn’t going to post anything but some Valium has given me energy to do so.  Odd, don’t you think? Valium providing you energy? Perhaps ROCHE got it wrong? Nah, I think my brain’s got it wrong! I also said I was going to stay off baby MacBook because of my damn photophobia, but J. and I were just killing ourselves about how dorky I am being and looking right now…well, I just HAD to write a Post!!!

So, since I’m still at J.’s, I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got, to be as spastic as possible until I am well enough to go home.  I’m wearing my baseball cap on backwards, but what I really need is this.  He gave it to me last year:

PAs Mentally Deranged Hat

PAs Mentally Deranged Hat

I wear it basically as shown, flaps down so you can’t really see my face and with the strings undone, free to blow in the wind.  I think the latter adds a particular flair.  A nice touch.

And speaking of touch.  I wrote a post not long ago about being so cold in my flat, that I was actually typing with my fingerless, cycling gloves.  Well, of course I don’t have them here either so I have now put on J.’s.  Ahhh…that feels better. *sighs*

Just so you can see the lovely effect of this fashion statement as well, here is a shot I took of me “in action” wearing my cycling gloves:

Fashionable Yet Functional

Fashionable Yet Functional! Don't You Agree?

Note the composition, if you will, including the full view of my Medic-Alert Bracelet.  Well done, PA! Well done, camera on baby MacBook!

So, again.  I’m just trying to be my redonculous self as best I can, while I’m still here until I’m well enough to go home.  It shouldn’t be too hard, actually.  J.’s a big geek too.  I mean, I’ve had “Weird-Expression” or “Flat-No-Expression” Aspie Face for the last two days now and he hasn’t even blinked.  He doesn’t give a shit what I do.  Well, in a good way…

After yesterday’s and last night’s excursion through an inexplicable form of mental illness torture, I did actually get a migraine.  Now, I’m not going to rant and complain and go all wingy, as in the last few posts prior to this one.  No, I have settled down somewhat.  I am now experiencing some other inexplicable form of mental illness…  I don’t really have any words for it at the moment.

Despite the horrific “Freak Show” that I became, some good did come out of it.  I had been drinking, not to excess, really.  There wasn’t enough time! I was too busy losing my mind! However, it has now been confirmed that alcohol is a definite cause for my migraines.

Therefore, PA will now, no longer be drinking.  Or bloody hell! If she’s stupid enough to do so, she’ll regret it in an unbelievable way the next day.  Forget simply having a hangover, kids!

So, yes.  This is very good.  For someone who has a self-medication history of at least 16 years due to mental illness, plus an incredible, family, gene pool regarding alcoholism (that pool where the genes actually swim in the alcohol), this has been a problem for me basically all of my adult life.  And I hasten to say, a problem of which I am not particularly proud!

Even though I have cut down on my drinking habits of late, it still doesn’t matter.  I should not be doing it at all.  I know better.  I tell myself it’s not good.  I chastise myself after the fact.  However, when you’re addicted to something, be it psychologically or physically (I am not physically, as in I need to crack one open first thing in the morning or that my body craves it), you can talk your own ears off as much as you like.  Will it really make a difference?

Well, not for me.

I needed something as serious as this to get me to stop.  Something where it made a larger impact on my health, simply beyond already knowing it was bad for me regarding all of my mental illnesses and disorders.  I actually needed it to cause me physical pain and make me physically ill. Of that I am not particularly proud of, either!

Nonetheless, I suppose the most important thing is the fact that I am finally kicking the booze.  I should have done it long ago but no point in thinking about that.  I can’t turn back time.

Well, the ADD is all pervasive.  It never leaves.  I could wake up with another Migraine From Hell tomorrow but we’ll have to wait for that?

So, within one bloody, fucking day, we’ve (I’ve?) managed to go through all of all my diagnoses.

This is some kind of record.  No.  It is a record.  This makes no sense.

I could understand the Bipolar Cycling but then moving on to the Asperger’s in its full flourish and then a Simple Partial Seizure (even if it was a very “Simple,” Simple Partial Seizure.)

There is a Post.  A Post…somewhere down this page, past all that I have written tonight, about how I have been so very scared about my health.

I think this proves why I should be.  This makes no fucking sense.  Now I don’t know if I should be scared, angry, confused…hell, all of them and more!

Enough.  I am tired.  Not physically at the moment but I am tired of thinking about this.  Trying to solve this puzzle.  How can I get out of this trap.

Just a brief Simple Partial. We’re getting everything now folks! Rapid eye blinking and some drooling.  Very minor for my Simple Partials.  So…anything left before midnight?

Now another turn for all my diagnoses within such a short time span.  The Bipolar may have taken a bypass to let the Asperger’s take over.  I started rocking in my chair and then ran up to J.’s bedroom where I had placed all of my stuff to leave room for the guests.  I had to grab my Tangle™  Stim…Stim…Stim…I couldn’t stop playing with it, manipulating it.

These friends of his are good people.  They may not fully understand all of the things that make my head go “Kaboom!” but they listen.

I have now gone non-verbal.  I can hear J. trying to explain it to them, as again, they don’t quite understand, but they are “understanding.”  In fact, this is the second time I have now heard him repeat it.  He is saying: “Social Overload.”  I wonder if they will “understand” that.  Either way, they are still very good people.

I did manage to speak a bit more when J. brought me some food where I sit now, here in his bedroom.  I told him that I don’t want to eat now.  Later.  I can still hear them.  I will deal with dinner later.  I just want to be alone.  It’s not like I don’t want to be with from these people.  I do! I just can’t be near them!

Welcome to at least a portion of Asperger’s and the Autistic Spectrum.  You want to be near but you can’t.  I just hurts too much.

I called J. in tears earlier, not knowing if I could make it out to his place for dinner tonight.  I was losing it, as I was so depressed.  We talked about downward spirals, and how one trigger then begets another, with me having Bipolar.  Well, guess what? I caught some!

And, I’ve now caught my cycling! My music changes on my iPod went just like that *PA snaps fingers* on the way over to his place.  Via my commute, I went from soothing Classical, to insane, loud…ROAR!

My Ultradian Cycles usually run me 48 hours, but considering the beginning, downward slide started last night? Well, we’ll see?

Someone dedicated a song to me by Our Lady Peace, via Twitter the other night, so I’m going to go along with them here.

“Superman’s Dead” by Our Lady Peace.

I’m sure I’ve felt this scared at some point in my life before.  Perhaps? Maybe? I don’t know.  Perhaps not.  All I know is that I am very, very scared right now.  I was chatting with a couple of bloggers last night, and emailed another one this morning who have gotten various bits of this Post.

*sighs* Where do I start? I am feeling so fragile, and so debilitated right now.  I thought things were bad before but…? I desperately want to get back to some point, even last spring, where I was making a slight modicum of progress, a bare attempt at getting my life back on track.  Trying to secure a job after being laid off for a year (at that point), trying to not lose money hand over fist, trying to keep my head above water.

Things have deteriorated so much.  I have deteriorated so much. It is my health, you see.  It keeps stopping me at every turn.  Every chance I try to get back up, it knocks me back down–and hard. I’m not talking a simple viral infection or anything like that.  Oh, no.  A hospitalization in early June that did more ruin than respite, a seizure and two migraines that have now left me bedridden for almost six weeks.

What is scaring me so much? My health, obviously.  Where is it taking me? Well, at the moment, it is spiralling me down into Depression (with such rampant fear), that I wonder: Will things ever change? Will I ever be capable of what? Will I remain this debilitated for the rest of my life? I am not being dramatic, here.  I am being very serious.

One of the things I said to one person via chat, is that people don’t see “behind the veil of PA.”  They aren’t here alone with her to talk to her; sitting in her flat by herself, being quasi-suicidal as she lately has been.  There are no “solutions,” as I can not “control” my health.  I take my medications and I try my best, but that really is all I can do.

Another thing I said to one person is that, if I had just one thing in my life, just one, out of everything that could give me some hope and guidance, something to keep be going and to believe in, it would help.  However, there are no rays of sunshine.  Everything is bleak.

There is something that Chogyam Trungpa, a Buddhist Lama said.  I may take it somewhat out of context for my Post here, but nonetheless:

“If hope is too hopeful, may I not be too hopeful.  If fear is too fearful, may I not be too fearful.”