Archive for November, 2009
Yes, this has taken me so, very long to do, and some of you have been waiting so, very long, as well! Or, maybe you’ve given up on me altogether! Well, no matter! I’ve finally done it, anyway!
It’s taken me all day, and into the night to do it, but it is absolute “Blog Relief!”
If you don’t know anything about it, I guess just go to the Pages? Hell, they’re done now, and the story’s there! *laughing*
Seriously, though. They have been added as Pages for both 2008 and 2009. They need to be made permanent, of course.
So, I hope everyone enjoys. I shot so many photos, so apart from procrastination, there was selection and then cropping and such. Regardless, DONE!
I’m in rather (quite?) a dissociative state now from yesterday/last night but I really want to write about this now. Let’s see what I can do. Apologies in advance for messiness, errors and severe “out-of-sens-ed-ness.”
Yesterday, it was my mother’s birthday. She’s nuts. Totally crazy. So am I but at least I am dx’d and being treated. She is not. She is in tremendous denial. Nonetheless, I needed to call her. I was extremely anxious as talking to her is immensely painful. She rambles on non-stop, all about herself…ugh. The Asperger’s was really kicking in as I was totally stimmy. I was going to my friend J.’s for dinner so at an appropriate stop via transit, time for Valium.
Our conversation was decidedly atypical. It was relatively brief, all about me, my mental and physical health and even more. A few years ago, she would not even acknowledge these things–again, complete denial. After this phone call, I was tremendously relieved, despite its surprising nature. I was quite happy.
Now, regarding some of the “even more,” I need to give you some background information. A while ago, I was thinking about my great uncle (my mother’s uncle.) He was always considered “odd.” So much of an understatement there. He would have been “medically dx’d” as “retarded.” I had brief memories of him as a child but now, since my own dx. of Asperger’s, a massive sledgehammer has hit me over the head: He’s Autistic! Even after a few, simple questions to my mother, suspicions confirmed.
I had suggested to go for a visit to see them. Them, meaning his older sister, as well. She has devoted her entire life to taking care of him because he can not function on his own. I had made this suggestion prior to having my tonic-clonic seizure in September. After that happened, my health became such a nightmare, that plan needed to be put on hold.
So, during the telephone conversation last night, I tossed it onto the table again. Of course, not a problem. However, there is some urgency to the matter. They are old. I need to see him in action, this example of a possible genetic link? This is awesome! Although, this was not my trigger as I had suggested it before.
After J. and I had dinner, something was wrong. I began to feel my anxiety rise again. I couldn’t figure out why. Yes, the telephone call was atypical but I was happy about it. And in thinking, recent conversations? My mother has been more caring about my life of late with all that has gone on–getting laid off, health going down the toilet etc… I fought off taking another Valium. I can fend off this anxiety…yes, I can.
On the way home, I gave in. I pulled out my bottle of pills, stared at them for a bit and just popped another Valium. Then, I began to dissociate. When my thinking started to become a little less fuzzy, my brain virtually screamed at me: “OMFG!!! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?!”
What did I do?
I didn’t think at all about the time I proposed for the visit. I “thought” it would be nice if we did it some time around Christmas as they are all alone and on their own. Fuck me. Christmas has always been kind of triggery for me as my mother made it so disastrous. Now, I’m tossing more family members into the mix that may bring back flashbacks, I have no idea… All I do know is that I’ve now created a field full of landmines for myself. And I’ll be walking across it wearing a blindfold.
I’ve got some time to try and prepare myself, but I’m not sure how exactly to do that, not knowing what the hell I’ll be getting myself into. I might be able to figure something out, though, as I’m surely not thinking clearly at all now. Even if I’m still reeling from all of this tomorrow, I think I should call Merlin #2. I can get in before I make the visit, no doubt? He wants me to start seeing a therapist anyway, but no. This requires immediate intervention.
I could be as dissociative to appear in a coma, yet still realize that?
That’s the closest term I could come up with and it may be more to do with the self, but perhaps this guy took it one step further? And definitely way too far???
Huh? Good grief!
This occurred in Michigan, by the way. Norton Shores is a part of it. The story has just come out now, so pretty tough to check the “Urban Legend” business. I can’t find anything so…
I shouldn’t even be on baby MacBook right now, but I need to gripe. What the HELL is wrong with me? I am completely, cognitively impaired, totally nauseous and dizzy, I have somewhat of a headache, and a bit of photophobia. Anxious… Maybe take a Valium? Tinnitus but that’s been a lifelong condition anyway. Still, them bells sure are ringin’!
These are basically some of my post-“ick”tal© signs. Although the Tinnitus doesn’t show up? At least I don’t think so? I’m too out of it to think.
Did I have a nocturnal seizure? It is possible. I went to see Non-Arsey Neuro once before and I felt all weird. Sick and out in space. My legs were really sore and I was having trouble walking. Gee, motor seizure in the night? We both agreed some possibility of nocturnal activity there! It wasn’t like I was running some marathon the day before.
I actually did manage to catch myself having a nocturnal seizure once. I couldn’t believe it! I woke up and my eyes were fluttering like a butterfly having a seizure. Believe it or not, I was actually thrilled to have that happen! How on earth does one know they’re having a damn nocturnal seizure? You’re asleep! Well, at least I’ve always been–if I’ve had one–lest waking up in soaked sheets because I’ve pissed the bed. That was due to side effects from meds though, yet still “unconfirmed.”
So, there was that one that I “confirmed.” The problem is, I sleep alone. No one’s with me to let me know. Or at least when someone has been around, either they’ve been been slumbering away too heavily or I haven’t been seizing enough to notice or even at all.
Okay, going back to bed now. Maybe I’ll try and “think” about only that. Being in bed forever with my upcoming VEEG. And how they probably won’t catch a nocturnal seizure, either.
As I’ve said to a couple of people recently, I can remember this exact day three years ago and well, here I am today, but:
“…the rest is just a blur…” *laughing*
No, the last three years are kind of hazy regarding this blog. In a lot of ways, I can’t believe it’s still here! I suppose doing Blog 365 helped it along during 2008, although I didn’t find that a difficult task at all, really.
In looking back through any “haze,” I will say that this blog has changed somewhat, but that can be the nature of blogging. It was always meant to have a psych/mental illness/whatever you want to say there, angle. Beyond that? Well, certainly more.
This year? Oh, my! It has been rather ugly messy. That’s due to my life being rather ugly. I have no problem with abandoning any strikethrough, as to that statement! So, I’m sorry for a lot of you having to deal with that! I know I’m still having people read me as I can “see” you with my Stats, but not a lot of commenting going on. That’s fair. What on earth do you say to a bunch of repetitive complaining and whining about the same things?! *rolls eyes*
Still, I would like to thank you all, old readers and new. You keep this blog alive.
I am so lucky. I seriously am. I really think they have gone above and beyond “Customer Service,” this time.
Because I am still not working, I am on a stoopid guvmunt plan where I need to pay out of pocket for my meds. As you can imagine, this is rather painful when you are on a limited income. Especially since I take so many “pressies” from Big Pharma in attempt to keep my head from falling off my shoulders. That can also be rather painful and quite a feat, as well. I suppose one (semi-)good thing is that because I take so many bloomin’ meds, and they are so bloomin’ expensive, I eventually…eventually…manage to get them for free.
However, it does take a while. You see, some stoopid guvmunt drone, in the basement of a building somewhere, sits and pretends they know how to do arithmetic calculations. The plan then, generously bestows upon me a “deductible.” Once I surpass that? I’m home “free.”
Now, first my awesome pharmacy always spots me extra pills if/when I get “stoopid” myself, and forget to go for my refills until I am out. Or, they do this if they don’t have enough in stock. I suspect that a lot of other pharmacies might do this also, but maybe not. Some could be total meanies.
Today? Oh, my god! I desperately needed my Seroquel/Quetiapine (that of course, I never refilled until I was completely out of them.) If I don’t have my Seroquel/Quetiapine, I will never sleep again for the rest of my natural born life. Had I been “unnaturally” born, I wouldn’t be a chronic insomniac, or have any of my other redonculous, mental “issues.”
I went in with only a certain amount of cash on hand. I really didn’t want to touch my bank account, because it was a significant amount of cash so…well, let’s use it for this specific purpose. It was why I was hanging on to it. It was the fee for my next “Head-Shoulder Management Course.” Thus, some negotiations were required.
My Concerta/Extended Release Methylphenidate was also getting low, but I wasn’t out of it. That could wait until later, but if we could squeeze that through the door, great. Well, wouldn’t you know it? The doorway was just, that too narrow! *PA pinches thumb and forefinger really close together*
Guess what they did. This time, they spotted me the money! They gave me meds without paying!!! Well, perhaps “on loan” is a better way of putting it. I feel like a barfly that spends too much time in a pub, being a regular. Although, I suppose it could be quite similar? With the number of times I’m running into the place, filling scripts for this and that… I’m on a first name basis with the pharmacists, always yapping away about something!
So, I guess you can call me a “drugfly,” now?
Ugh. I’m still waiting for the Tea Faeries to alight upon my shoulders, with blessings of sweet caffeine relief, but to no avail… Yes, I was up very early this morning (after staying up a little late?) for another EEG!
Let’s just say the whole thing started off with a bang. Literally. The hospital’s revolving door’s windows were VERY clean! You know, the door that moves slooowwwlllyyy, so people in wheelchairs and such can get through safely?
What about the safety of ambulatory PA? I walked right into one of those lovely, shiny, clean windows! Or doors?
No, I’m not kidding!!! I did a total face plant into one of the windows! I’m surprised I didn’t break my glasses! This has to be the kraziest, klutziest move I have EVER made!!! *laughing so hard* May I please blame it on sleep deprivation? Please??? And in case you’re worried, I didn’t hurt any body parts. Well, I guess only my dignity–or what little was left after the door took most of it away.
The EEG itself? Unremarkable? Although, maybe a few differences from the past.
I had less electrodes. Only 26 this time whereas before, I have had upwards of 30. However, the cords for these ones were rainbow colours! W00t! I was in a chair that tilted backward, as well. Before I have always been lying down.
The tech. was really nice. Of course, I geeked out with her. I had to “de-stim” prior to my “stillness,” and she asked if I was okay. I told her about the Asperger’s and how I had to do the same thing with my last MRI. She thought that must have been incredibly difficult–me having to remain so still for so long. I assumed she was referring to me having to “de-stim” myself, and get any funky body movements out of the way in order to try and remain purposefully immobile. If so, I thought that was incredibly awesome and caring on her part! I will repeat this again for the nth time: I have always had my best medical experiences with my testing technicians! They are always SO happy, helpful and kind!
We talked about Asperger’s and all of my other brain insanity. That also tied in to the listing of all my meds. She seemed quite “interested,” there. Or, “impressed?” “Shocked?” “Curious?” Ah, who knows? I was tired!
My EEG will actually show my brain laughing. It will. The tech. left for a bit, and I was to remain resting and keep my eyes closed (yes you just rest with your eyes closed; not a complicated procedure.) So, off my silly, little head went and…ooop! Funny things started to enter it! I started to laugh and laugh! Then I said in my mind: “Stop laughing!” Well, that just makes it all the worse, right?! Wee PA gets rather punchy when she’s tired. Things that are already funny become even more funny. Or, things that aren’t funny at all become a total riot!
One more thing of, perhaps, “serious” interest, may be an occurrence during the “infamous strobe!” Usually my eyes just get a bit twitchy (they’re closed), but whose wouldn’t! This time, I got the same surge of panic that I have felt, before my WORST Simple Partial Motor Seizures. The tech. asked me if I was alright. I think my face was contorting in fear, even though my eyes were still shut. I said I was, in maybe some kind of whimpering voice? She asked me if I wanted to stop. I said no, and then spat out something along the lines of: “…aura…fear…had it before…”
I told her about it when we were done, and even that I can not stand using the word, “aura.” I prefer the fact that an “aura” is, in fact, a Simple Partial Seizure. The words just shot out of me as the strobe was flashing.
Anyway, not sure if that means anything at all. I don’t know if it will show any epileptiform activity or differing wave patterns. Nonetheless, still something interesting to stick in my brain’s back pocket.
I’m going to have some more tea now. Maybe the Faeries will still show up? If I’m lucky? I probably should wash my gluey, gummy head, too. Maybe later. Or if the Tea Faeries actually arrive, maybe they’ll be extra kind and do me that favour, as well as waking me up?