Archive for November 13th, 2009

That Post Title is actually a lie.  If you’re not already familiar with PTSD, or you don’t have it, flashbacks always do “Flash Back” in one form or another.  That’s just the nature of PTSD.  You never know when flashbacks will hit, what they’ll be like, what to expect…  But I’ll bet you my last dollar that they’ll happen at some point!

I never “believed” I had PTSD, but that’s another discussion for another time.  Suffice it to say for now, I thought enough was already “wrong” with me.

However, let us proceed with my Flashback Story, shall we?

The other night while I was having dinner (yes, eternally shooting for the stars in the self care department), the most bizarre and…  I don’t quite know what to use as a second adjective, here.  Frightening, to be sure.  Horrifying? Terrifying? Because, the the thing is, I was so “out of my element,” I couldn’t quite exactly tell how afraid I was.

Ahhh…  PTSD’s Flashback’s good ol’ best buddy.  Dissociation! That’s another thing that you can pretty much gamble on showing up.  You can get a kind of “spacey,” or “floaty” feeling.  Sometimes, you might even blank out completely! As a result of any degree of dissociation, you may also lose time and/or events during the present, and the event you are remembering (and perhaps reliving), from your past.

When I was eating my dinner, I looked up to see what time it was.  It was around the time when I normally would have been leaving my job that I lost in April of 2008 (I was laid off, as were others.)  I stopped.  Full stop.  I fact, I froze completely.  I remained as still as a statue, not even staring at the time anymore.

I thought about my job (ex-job), and couldn’t remember a thing! I looked back at the clock.  I traced, in my head, logically what I would be doing, right at that moment.  I would be leaving the building.  Then, I would be taking transit home.  Then I…

But I couldn’t remember performing those acts! There was nothing even remotely visceral happening! And further, within that moment, so much lost in thinking of all else regarding my job functions, too!

I felt like I had complete amnesia! Or a very, very severe case of it! I still can’t find the right adjective to describe the amount of fear experiencing that flashback instilled in me.

Welcome to a taste of PTSD–again, if you’re unfamiliar with it or don’t have it.

Let me leave you with one other thing that happened recently.  I had another flashback.  Something I had completely forgotten that even occurred to me! When was that…? What? Dissociation again! Memory…? It was extremely upsetting (weak adjective!) and blew my mind in more ways than one!

It will also never be written about here.  I try to be very careful about material that may trigger my readers!

I just nicked this one.  I’m dedicating it to all of my luvvies in Oz. *grins*

I like it a lot! *laughing*

“Sounds Of Then (This Is Australia)” by GANGgajang