Archive for December, 2009


You wouldn’t necessarily think such a thing would exist, would you? Well, okay.  Such a thing doesn’t.  Unless you consider every pen that I own, and will ever touch in my entire lifetime! *laughing* No, that is just what I called it: “My Dysgraphia Pen!”

If you don’t know what Dysgraphia is, what it boils down to is a difficulty, to some degree, regarding one’s ability to write.  You can also have other problems with fine motor skills, but not always.  I do to some degree there, as well.

I have Asperger’s and it is quite commonly associated with that Developmental Disorder, and with the other various Disorders on the Autistic Spectrum.  However, it is not limited to the Autistic Spectrum alone.  It can also be tied to AD(H)D, plus more.  I have been dx’d with ADD, too.  Inattentive Type!

My Dysgraphia? I reverse letters, numbers…sometimes my writing will become less legible, even if I do manage to get the letters and numbers in their correct order.  It’s very frustrating, and I have to concentrate a fair bit if I need to write something down that absolutely needs to be legible! Even if it’s something, perhaps less important, I may be forced to give up and just leave it “as is,” with several scratched out words on the page!

Embarrassing.

I also write in Block Caps.  Much easier for the entire world to decipher what I am trying to relay.  That way, people hopefully won’t have to spend twice as many hours “de-coding” my missives.

So, my pressie? I got it from my friend J.  He knows about my Dysgraphia.  We both even call me, “Dysgraphia Girl.” *rolls eyes*  That said, boy did he get a chuckle out of this pressie! It wasn’t even for him!

Oh, wow.  I’m actually smirking as I type this.  It’s a plastic, battery operated, “vibrating” pen.  I know, naughty jokes all around!!!

It has several, little (also plastic), pen nibs in different colours.  You pop them into a hole at the bottom of the pen, and when you write, everything comes out all “squiggly!” I was just dying when I was trying to use it!

And…  It’s also kind of stimmy! There’s a clear bubble on top with an orange disc inside.  It spins like nuts when you turn it on! WHOO!

J. knows me far too well.  In fact, while I was there? I was getting a bit stimmy, so I grabbed one of my Tangles®. What did J. say to me?

“Stimmy, Stimmy, Stimmy.  Tangle, Tangle, Tangle.”

I just looked at him and said, “Yep.” *laughing*

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Yesterday I met yet another person I know online.  That would be my Twitter pal Canageek! He is cute as a button and quite a gentleman as well! *grins* We had a lot of fun.

Initially, some pub grub for lunch.  Though, before nearly ordering drinks, we had to settle the outstanding issue of how he thought I wasn’t so wee, when indeed I really am.  I told him to feel me.  No, not like that! He was a bit shocked, and agreed with what I had said all along.  Then the entire issue of me needing to gain weight came up.  Minister Canageek: “Go tell it on the Mountain, you are preaching to the Leader of the Choir!”

We took lots of pictures with my camera, and the vast majority are extremely silly.  This is always how it works, anyway.  One person looks fine; the other person looks like a total twonk! We did get a few that turned out alright, though.

After bitching forever about how cold it was, I can not believe that we managed to walk around for the rest of the afternoon! Hither and yon…aimlessly wandering…however.  It wasn’t so aimless? We did actually do things: browsing in lots of shops, poking about, looking at whatever seemed to catch our attention (attention spans long enough, considering we both have AD(H)D.)

Most of the shops were bookstores (new and used), and that was just fine by me! But oh, dear.  Such temptation! I need to be restrained in bookstores! Canageek did a pretty good job of it (thanks hon, I owe you big time!) However, I was looking for a couple of things specifically.  I was so lucky in that I got close enough? Even better that it was used!

It’s a copy of the novel “Emmanuelle” by Emmanuelle Arsan. The entire reason for this, was because I have the first of the three Series’ of the Graphic Novels drawn by Guido Crepax.

Now, if you don’t care to click on those links, I shall try to explain and keep it brief.  I can’t make any promises on that.  Regular readers know I am verbose as hell (translation: rambly as fuck.)  Fuck.  Yes.  A weak segue, but nonetheless.

The written novel was published in 1959 according to Wiki, although my copy says 1967.  Hmmm.  Either way, holy FUCK! It’s basically about a woman’s sexual odyssey and whoo, does she ever take one! Alright, admittedly I haven’t “gone all the way,” as I only have the first copy of Crepax’s drawn versions.  Now, I have the novel, so I can at least pick up where I left off.

Still!

So, let’s move on to Crepax.  I had never heard of him, so I will confess that I am not an Art History Major or Museum Curator.  Far from it.  But I like him, so good enough.  After seeing some of his work, I think it’s amazing! My copy (simply named “Emmanuelle I/1”), also includes a few examples of his other drawings.

ASIDE: Let me also add (no shit?) the Emmanuelle Series’ and a lot of his work are not really for minors??? *rolls eyes*

Now, apart from the Emmanuelle-related that I have seen in my book, wow.  His work with his panels? You need to just stop and absorb the overall.  Then you can study a bit more of the content, and then move onto the detail of the content.  So cool.  Also, his drawing is almost paradoxical in nature.  It’s deceptively simple, but upon really looking at it, quite detailed and/or complex.  A feast for the eyes?

There is one drawing that has nothing to do with Emmanuelle in the book and I just love it! Purely for the above reasons, and also for its angular lines.  If books weren’t such sacred objects to me, I’d tear the page out and frame it! I could always make a copy of it?

Also, speaking of “Sacred Books and Texts,” I made some references to being a “zombified,” Jane Austen character on Twitter earlier.  If you read that and it made no sense to you, some people are “bastardizing” her work and other historical novels.  Yes, a sort of “Horror/Literary Mashup.”  I won’t link to any of that stuff, but we thought it was hysterical.

Ah! One thing that I can guarantee none of you know, is that I own Canada.  Yes, it’s true.  I bought a platinum pendant in the shape of an alien from outer space.  As it turned out, its value was off the charts! As a result, I then purchased the Royal Canadian Mint.  It was quite a bargain beyond what immense, personal wealth I held back for myself.  Since I took over the Royal Canadian Mint, I re-worked our entire, economic system.  From there, really quite simple after that!

Imagine.  All in one day.  I forgot to mention the purchase of the pendant and the country’s economy outside of the bookstore browsing.  Oops.  Glad I remembered that!  I am now working on all of our Foreign and Global Interests.  Hey, we were kind of busy yesterday.  I thought anything beyond our Domestic could wait until today.


I’m still trying to organize the family X-mASS jazz.  Mental Mommy called last night, after I had left her a message the day before.  I said I was ready after finally getting all the gifts sorted for the visit to my Great Aunt and Uncles’ place.  The primary reason is not to torture myself via PTSD and family trauma due to X-mASS.  No.  I heavily suspect my Great Uncle is Autistic, and I want to see him “in action.”

When talking to Mental Mommy last night, one consideration was weather conditions for driving.  This makes sense, of course.  However, this little “idea” that was niggling away in the back of my mind, makes “sense,” too.  Because of all the driving (the bunch of us are in varied locales), Mental Mommy was concerned her husband would grow weary over all the travel.

Do any of you possess the foresight to see where I am headed?

Although Mental Mommy said she didn’t want to “inconvenience me,” would it be alright if I stayed over at their place on the way home? AHHHHHH!!!

I said I’d bring along my meds…  Ugh.

It may not happen.  Since she mentioned it being an “inconvenience,” I might get lucky enough to be driven home, and thus, not have the least of “inconveniences” of couch surfing there.  However, it could prove an opportunity to pick her insane brain for information about bio-dad.  I have been wanting to do that for a very, very long time.  She seems to have come around over the last couple of years in this area.  However again…after the X-mASS visit, my own insane brain may have already melted to the point of dripping out of my ears on the drive home.

Another thing I was thinking about regarding the visit to the Great Aunt and Uncle, is that it could be good in another way? They will both be (are already!) totally thrilled to see me.  That said–a possible positive? Also, I really want to focus on him as much as possible.  If I can somehow DO that, another (possible) positive.

The hurdles to all of these “possibles” that I am seeing right now, is how absolutely loony my mother will be! I fully expect it to be horrific! There is no “possibility” she won’t be outright bonkers over the entire affair! She’s going to be in full on (hypo)mania mode! I could even tell by her voice on the phone last night! Bloody Hell!

So, try and block that out and focus on the older generation.  That is a definite tactic in my mind, for sure! At the top of the list! Perhaps second, only to taking lots of Valium!

Another thought, too.  I wonder if it may become a big Stim-Fest? Sort of like Great Uncle will get going and then I will, too? *laughing* A nice game of “Stimmy Ping Pong,” or something? Oh, I love the thought of that! Bonding with my Great Uncle, through such vast and varied forms of Spectrum behaviour! Now, that may make the visit completely worthwhile.

Awesome.  Totally.


No, no one has bought me a vibrator for X-mASS.  However, should any of you like to, I would not protest.

Actually, what happened is, I did the most awful thing.  Reprehensible.  No, worse! I barely escaped being the unforgivable and heartbreaking parent at X-mASS!!!

I’m at J.’s right now and I bought him a pressie that…requires batteries.  Guess what I forgot to bring?

Ah, yes…does this now bring back all the awful memories of the greatest gift you ever received, only to find out that your utterly, useless and pathetic excuses for pond scum-entities that spawned you “forgot” to buy batteries???

Luckily at one of my transit stops, I could duck into a hardware store and grab some.

Boy, would I have felt like a total fucktard if I couldn’t find any.

Just like the the little fucktard I was when my Parental Units forgot to buy me my batteries. *rolls eyes*


Hello, Everyone.

There are a couple of things that PA isn’t saying.  This may or may not be of much importance to you, but maybe it will be to her.  She’s still getting her bearings, starting her tea and not quite coherent (not at all!) but I fully intend to talk to her about this as soon as possible.  It might make some sense to her.  So right now, I’ve decided to “Karpe Diem the Keyboard!”

Like Stimming being based upon a lot repetition for us Aspie folk, there is a lot of repetition involved in PTSD.  Stimming helps Aspies calm down in their environment (hopefully.)  The repetition of PTSD? Not so much.  Bummer.  Bummer Extraordinaire!

What is happening with my poor, little PA, is that with all that is going on, other things are being triggered in a PTSD manner.  However, there’s a twist.  Prior to all of this occurring, when she was fine, these other things were…”fine.”  Yes? She had resolved them in her mind.  Perhaps? With PTSD being such a Bummer Extraordinaire, it can be difficult to tell, but I do need to discuss this idea with her.  This notion, should it be true, may help her get through things in the immediate future. *crosses fins*

Also, it will prove interesting to see if what was perceived as “fine,” returns to “fine,” after she settles down.

The second thing she is not talking about, is the fact that she is…”not talking.”  This is also rooted in her PTSD.  She is reverting to old behaviours.  All the way back to childhood, in fact.  She is suppressing everything, and refusing to talk about anything all! At least in great detail?

To a lot of people, this may simply look like “denial” on the outside.  Nothing could be further from the truth! The only place where there may be any possible form of “denial,” is within PAs own crazy mind! However, it is not a denial of all that I explained above.  Hardly.  It is a literal form of denial.  She knows the score.  She’s not living in a fantasy land.  Or, if she is in any way–that I need to discuss with her, as well.

Nonetheless, people.  The literal form of denial? The refusal to open up? Instead, shutting it all down and reverting to behaviours of the past? Denying herself of her own privilege to express things? That type of “denial” is purely born of fear.

This still may not make much sense to her at this given time.  I firmly believe that it’s something she needs to be told, though.  She needs any and every piece of help she can get–even if it is only is a tailor made, convoluted version of Psych 101.


Just Like I Don’t Right Now.

“Parallel Lines” by Junior Boys


I wish I knew the answer.  I wish I knew the questions! My brain has just “gone” in a way that it NEVER has before, and I don’t know WHY!

I’ve now taken a Valium/Diazepam to try and quell the torrent of tears, but I don’t even know if the Valium/Diazepam is doing shit these days.  I don’t even want to write this (I tried to put something up on Twitter, but deleted everything because I didn’t want to bother anyone.)  I still don’t.  Just leave well enough alone, PA.

People are busy, many are caught up in the holidays and…happy.

Here is where I became filled with evil, and where my brain completely…  I went off the rails like I…

I just wanted to scream at everyone who is happy, “FUCK OFF AND GO TO HELL!!!’

*crying*

That is NOT me!!! I want everyone to be happy! What is happening? I do not know what is going on! I would like to “think” I am “just tired.”  Of course I do not know.  I do not know goddamn jack! Except I really don’t care too much for life and all that it holds.  Or doesn’t.  I could die tomorrow and that would be just fine by me!

Don’t worry.  I will wake up tomorrow.  Although, I don’t know what that fucking means, either.

Apologies for bothering all the happy people, or even the unhappy ones re: this.  The are no answers.  Well, there is one.  A final and ultimate one but like I said, I’ll be awake in the morning.


I met with my friend R. who is home from London today.  Odd.  Well, not “odd” that he’s home from London! No, I was “odd.”  Somewhat, Aspie.  I couldn’t make eye contact with him for quite some time.  He’s my friend! Good grief! My nerves must still be getting the better (or worse?) of me.

We met for tea/coffee, had lunch and then of course, went shopping! R. had run out of his “eye cream,” and had to pick up more!

Fancy, little poofter.  Well, PA can be a “fancy, little poofter,” too! Although, that term is really reserved for men.  Plus, she wasn’t exactly dressed to the nines going out.

So, off we went to our most expensive shop in the city.  Interesting thing I learned.  Its parent company owns both it and Selfridges! If you don’t know what Selfridges is, it’s a bloody, “Fancy Poofter” chain of shops in the UK! Alright, it’s not a “Poofter Palace,” but I can guarantee you’ll find lots of them in there, blowing all their quid! Trust me, I’ve been there.

While “Big Poofter” was fawning all over this and that, I said to him that it was only fair that “Little Poofter” got her chance, as well! Little Poofter needed to satisfy her lust, by wistfully longing over all the lingerie.  By “longing,” Little Poofter means that she can not afford to buy any right now.  Still, Little Poofter could try and inconspicuously wipe the dribbles of drool from her mouth, while gazing disconsolately at all the pretty undergarments.

Disconsolately? Is it so close to X-mASS they don’t have that much of a selection to cover your ass?! Little Poofter was shocked! Big Poofter said they have a much better selection at Selfridges.  Indeed…

Little Poofter is definitely going to have to swing by the lingerie department of Selfridges the next time she’s in London! *laughing*

From Aspie Penguin…


Hello.  I thought I would introduce myself.  I’m new to you folks, and of course it would only be the polite thing to do.  Also, chances are you will see me around here a bit.  In fact, I’m already “here” as PA has put me on her sidebar with my email address.  However, if it is easier for everyone, I can be reached via hers (as indicated on the sidebar, as well.)

Who am I? What do I do? Well, I try and look after PA, but she’s a real pain in the arse sometimes! Although, I say that with love, I really do.  Can I say that with love? Well, I do love her.  Even if she’s such a pain in the arse! So, based upon that, she keeps me busy.  Very.

I don’t think I will set up my own blog.  Quite simply because she keeps me so busy! I just wouldn’t have the time for it! So, I think I’ll use hers to let you know what she’s up to and what crazy antics and trouble she keeps getting into…oh, dear.

So, yes.  You probably will see me around here.  Maybe more than “a bit?”  We’ll all probably have to wait and see for now.

Take care,
AP


It wasn’t so much the suicidal ideation.  No, I needed to use every ounce of what little strength I had to stay away from the knives in the kitchen drawer, last night.  Oh, when did I last feel like that?

Friday, August 07, 2009.  Only then, I did do a cutting.

That’s a little over four months.  I don’t even know what that means.  Good? Bad? Indifferent? Or, better put for that last one: Inconsequential? Sure, you may be all thinking, ‘Yay, PA! You didn’t do a cutting!’ Well, I guess in terms of my thinking, I’ll go with: “Indifferent.”

I don’t even know what to call myself in terms of cutting.  I’m “A Cutter?” I “Was A Cutter?” I’m “A Recovering Cutter?” Whatever.

I still don’t know if I can play “Name That Monster!” or not, but I may be getting closer.  Or not.

The ultimate “Monster” may be X-mASS.  Or…is it that X-mASS will be the only, remaining Monster ultimately to be named? There are too many other things going on right now, too many other things that have gone on; I can’t factor everything into this nasty equation where I seem to be situated.  I’m the last one in the classroom, trying to finish the final exam.  I’m barely half way through it, and time is running out.

X-mASS can be hit or miss with me.  Some years I am fine, others not.  However, usually with the “nots,” I have a bit less warning? I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.  Perhaps it is better, as it is like a bomb just drops on you, and then it’s over.  X-mASS is done and over with! Retaliate! A bomb you, too, X-mASS!

This year? Perhaps more warning.  I will not belabour the points.  So much of it is scattered all over this blog, already! Not even “scattered!” More warning may be worse.  Look how I began this Post! Look where I was last night! I have no bloody clue where I am right now, much less where I’ll be tonight!

I do know that as the days pass, I keep putting things off more and more.  I am trying not to “succumb” to the “theory” of not eating in order to “gain control over my environment.”  I need to eat because I am physically sick–even if not eating does help me feel better due to the gastro sx.

I need to gain control over my environment by other means.  And fast.  There are things I need to do that really are inescapable.  If I don’t do them…I will still remain here.  It’s as simple as that.  Well, the remaining here part is what is simple.  Me gaining control is not so simple at all.