Should I do this chronologically? I’m so confused!!!

Well, let’s just start off with the fact that I’m sick.  It’s just some stupid, viral infection or something.  But let me tell you, it’s giving me a real ass kickin’! Whoo, boy! I woke up this morning and I was so out of it, I didn’t even realize what was wrong with me! It took me ages to finally clue in.  Wait a sec’…you’ve got a bit of a cough…your sinuses…stuffy…oh, here come the chills!

At least I remembered to take my meds.  I forgot to do that yesterday.  I did finally take them late in the afternoon.

Okay.  Clearly, I am not doing this is any proper order! Not even “Reverse Chronological!” Perhaps I’ll just type along and see where I (and you, my lucky readers!) land.

So when I woke up this morning, not being able to rub two brain cells together, I thought the reason was due to stress about seeing Merlin #2 tomorrow.  I haven’t seen him in a fair while.  As such, we have a lot to talk about.  I am anxious about it, I am.  That is because a lot of confusion has been going on beyond this mere 24 hours!

I realized I definitely needed to make “a list!” Actually, I do this for just about all of my doctor’s appts. because my head and body are so redonculous! There is always so much to discuss.  Problem.  I couldn’t find something that was Absolutely Crucial!!! I had written it down in one of my 1,000 notepads that I have laying all around.  I kept flipping through every page, over and over (of the notebooks that I could find.)  WHERE WAS THE PAGE!!!

ASIDE: I’ve probably left some thing(s?) off the list in my confusion.

I was close to the point where I wanted to strangle myself.  I almost did when folding my sheets the other day, and miraculously I didn’t.  Now that they are (reasonably), miraculously folded, to unfold them would have been a shame.  It was fine, though.  I found the page.  Confusion Dispelled! Or at least one element of it within this 24 hour period.

The reason this page was so vital, is that it has to do with a referral to a Therapist.  Fuck.  Now, it is not so much that I am that “therapy resistant,” I’m just not good at it! I know I really need to do this, however.  I really do.  But I’m so confused about it! Especially because of something I was reading last night.

I really wish I wasn’t so “smart,” you know? Well, that’s debatable.  I’m going to say that anyway, because I also want to say: “…ignorance is bliss…?”

I had one of those “Aha!” moments.  Yes.  It was bad.  But it was also good? It was confusing!!!

Let’s hope that Merlin #2 knows this Therapist well.  I am certainly going to ask.  You can bet on that! Not to mention, I’ve looked at certain therapies that I think would suit me best since I don’t do so well with it–and due to the nature of my “issues.”  I don’t need anymore confusion.


  1. ack. yeah. those moments kinda are what it’s about but they don’t tend to suck any less over time, unfortunately.

    when it gets like that for me, this is after sessions i mean mostly, i tell myself it’s ok… because you know you’re getting somewhere when it feels like a horde of 9 year olds are playing kick ball with your brains ;)

    and as tweeted, get better!



  2. Hey Catatonic Kid. *laughing* A horde of nine year olds playing kick ball with your brains.

    Well, this one was kind of… I was tired and, oh gawd, I’m tired now! What the hell did I even write in my own Post? *crosses eyes* I need another tea. *runs to make another cuppa*

    Okay, so I didn’t really explain things because I was so confused! I was being “oh-so-smart,” and researching some stuff and then…oh, no.

    Then, I felt I double-edged, serrated knife penetrate my stomach and I simultaneously wanted to throw up! Valium! Yes, at times like these, benzos are our best friends are the not? *grins*

    It didn’t seem to help, however, until maybe later on? I’m not sure.

    I’m still mulling over this “Aha!” because it’s a weird one. It’s like, a bell that doesn’t so much offer any answers to any questions, but adds more to an answer that you were given. It just, somehow, makes the answer more “clear,” even if you didn’t really necessarily understand any answers to questions posed in the first place!

    Still, you accepted the answers because they were…”the answers!” Plain and simple fact.

    However, you then got your “Aha!” and you went, “some clarity! But it made you feel all screwy (or it made me feel all screwy), for a couple of reasons.

    The fact opened a whole bunch of other questions, so ’round and ’round we go! I also knew I would discover this fact anyway, sooner or later. My feelings of viscerally, and physically of being ill, had now moved on to me being ticked off.

    The first part of the above is this, about answers to questions:

    What did this all matter, anyway? The “fact” of the matter is that I can’t change anything! Discovering my “Aha,” is and was plainly and simply a fact as well. Just as much as the answers posed to such questions.

    Secondly, regarding the discovery:

    My “Aha” is fact as well! Or, maybe 99.5%?! Unless someone has some way of fixing my ENTIRE brain.

    Readers, yes this may confuse the absolute, bloody hell out of you, but welcome to PTSD!

    I know by lovely Catatonic Kid fully understands, right sweetheart? Yes, she does.

    Thanks hon’


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