I didn’t write anything “today,” as I’ve still been ruminating about my appt. with Merlin #2 “yesterday.”  I know, it sounds like I’m in some kind of time warp, with the “today” and “yesterday” references.  However, the clock has now turned, so it is “tomorrow,” but really, it is my rumination that has made me feel more like I’ve been in a time warp.

I haven’t really wanted to write about the appt. details.  Wanted to write about them? *crosses eyes* Well, certainly some I can not manage to type! I’ve been thinking over the last couple of hours, though, about one thing that I had convinced myself to address, and now..? Well, now I kind of frustrated and feeling at a loss.

The last time I saw Merlin #2, he said he wanted to refer me to a Therapist.  Immediately, I wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but I have extremely collaborative relationships with all of my physicians.  I felt I had to give Merlin #2 some elbow room with this one.  After that appt., I thought about the entire idea, giving it more than adequate consideration.  I even delved into types of therapy that I felt would suit me.

This was actually a huge thing for me to do.  I have problems with therapy.  I can’t express myself, the trauma from my life and the end result–loss of massive chunks of memories–years, decades! Hang on a minute.  Let’s look at that last part.  Screw the “difficulties” I have with therapy, because of my life, I need therapy!!!

So, for me to push myself to do this (and yes, I have participated in therapy before with pathetic, and even disastrous results), it was a lot.  I could have been a pissy, dismissive, “Smarty Pants PA,” and Merlin #2 would have still bought it, with our “collaborative relationship.”  Deep down, I probably did kowtow because I knew I needed therapy.  And I was kowtowing to myself; not him!

Well, guess what? He couldn’t find any Therapists that were taking on new clients.  Fab.  He even asked me if I could find one.  I told him both my GP and I were pulling our hair out for ages, simply trying to find me a Psychiatrist! So now I need to find a Therapist for myself??? Oh, come on!

He did provide me with information for some…”place.”  I can try there and see if they either offer something, or if not, know of anything? Short Term ain’t gonna cut it though.  I’ve been down that route before, as well.

If I’m going to commit to this, as I was ready to do so before, I need the whole shebang.

If I can find it.  Crap.


  1. spectrum dweller

    if i weren’t so stubborn, i probably would’ve had disastrous experiences with therapists. i made it very clear, before going into any clinic, that any therapist assigned to me needed to:

    1) not be all overly-emoting, “how does that make you FEEL?”
    2) needed to follow me on highly intellectual thought rides, be able to process complex, 3d ideas, visually
    3) needed to focus on practical therapy, not freudian analysis

    and somehow, usually got placed with therapists that i didn’t have awful experiences with. though did get placed once with one fluffy pink therapist who went the whole “and how did that make you feeeeel?” route, and i sat there, confused, and never went back.

    note, this comment has been all about me, for which i probably need therapy.


  2. Anonymous Patient,

    You may want to try finding a therapist thru http://www.MyTherapistMatch.com. The site matches you with a compatible therapist – i.e. a therapist that speaks your ‘language’.



  3. Hi spectrumdweller. *laughing* The last portion of your comment made me crack up. Well, crack up in a good way considering this is all about needing therapy! No, as I always state, say whatever you want here! Everybody can!

    Those are all valuable things you’ve said. I can’t remember if I told you specifically, but I have mentioned it on my blog. I made up a list of questions, and actually interviewed three GPs as “candidates.” I then selected the right one for me. However, this was before I had gotten to the point where I could successfully advocate for myself. I was too frightened to do such a thing before.

    Now, I could probably do something that you did! So thanks. I had forgotten about my “interviewing,” and you just reminded me about it. A good idea, should I ever get around to actually attempting to finding a Therapist!

    I need to also find one covered by our government payroll, too! PA can not afford! Perhaps when my GP comes back from leave, she and I can go back to pulling our hair out together! I know some Therapists do “sliding scales,” but nope.

    And agreed: Screw “Fluffy Pink.” PA has Alexithymia.

    Hi Corey. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. Thanks so much for coming by and offering your link.



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