It wasn’t so much the suicidal ideation.  No, I needed to use every ounce of what little strength I had to stay away from the knives in the kitchen drawer, last night.  Oh, when did I last feel like that?

Friday, August 07, 2009.  Only then, I did do a cutting.

That’s a little over four months.  I don’t even know what that means.  Good? Bad? Indifferent? Or, better put for that last one: Inconsequential? Sure, you may be all thinking, ‘Yay, PA! You didn’t do a cutting!’ Well, I guess in terms of my thinking, I’ll go with: “Indifferent.”

I don’t even know what to call myself in terms of cutting.  I’m “A Cutter?” I “Was A Cutter?” I’m “A Recovering Cutter?” Whatever.

I still don’t know if I can play “Name That Monster!” or not, but I may be getting closer.  Or not.

The ultimate “Monster” may be X-mASS.  Or…is it that X-mASS will be the only, remaining Monster ultimately to be named? There are too many other things going on right now, too many other things that have gone on; I can’t factor everything into this nasty equation where I seem to be situated.  I’m the last one in the classroom, trying to finish the final exam.  I’m barely half way through it, and time is running out.

X-mASS can be hit or miss with me.  Some years I am fine, others not.  However, usually with the “nots,” I have a bit less warning? I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.  Perhaps it is better, as it is like a bomb just drops on you, and then it’s over.  X-mASS is done and over with! Retaliate! A bomb you, too, X-mASS!

This year? Perhaps more warning.  I will not belabour the points.  So much of it is scattered all over this blog, already! Not even “scattered!” More warning may be worse.  Look how I began this Post! Look where I was last night! I have no bloody clue where I am right now, much less where I’ll be tonight!

I do know that as the days pass, I keep putting things off more and more.  I am trying not to “succumb” to the “theory” of not eating in order to “gain control over my environment.”  I need to eat because I am physically sick–even if not eating does help me feel better due to the gastro sx.

I need to gain control over my environment by other means.  And fast.  There are things I need to do that really are inescapable.  If I don’t do them…I will still remain here.  It’s as simple as that.  Well, the remaining here part is what is simple.  Me gaining control is not so simple at all.


  1. RealJIMMY

    I wish I could do something to ease your struggle hun, but you know that already. Giraffee sends big hugs with his little arms!


  2. theaspiepenguin

    Hi RealJIMMY. You know, I was talking to PA late last night and she was telling me how supportive you have been to her lately. You’ve really meant a lot to her and…well, you still do! It’s not like you’re going anywhere.

    Are you…? Oh, that would not be good! Please don’t say that you are!

    I’d like to meet this “Giraffee” that you’re talking about. Maybe we could have some fun together! Well, we’ve met online! That’s good. I’ll pass along his hugs via my fins, okay?

    Good to meet you and I’m sure we’ll talk soon. I know PA loves you lots.


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