What To Do When Filled With Evil

December 22, 2009 in ADD, Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, Cranky, Cutting, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, Meds, Profanity, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Seizures, Therapy


I wish I knew the answer.  I wish I knew the questions! My brain has just “gone” in a way that it NEVER has before, and I don’t know WHY!

I’ve now taken a Valium/Diazepam to try and quell the torrent of tears, but I don’t even know if the Valium/Diazepam is doing shit these days.  I don’t even want to write this (I tried to put something up on Twitter, but deleted everything because I didn’t want to bother anyone.)  I still don’t.  Just leave well enough alone, PA.

People are busy, many are caught up in the holidays and…happy.

Here is where I became filled with evil, and where my brain completely…  I went off the rails like I…

I just wanted to scream at everyone who is happy, “FUCK OFF AND GO TO HELL!!!’

*crying*

That is NOT me!!! I want everyone to be happy! What is happening? I do not know what is going on! I would like to “think” I am “just tired.”  Of course I do not know.  I do not know goddamn jack! Except I really don’t care too much for life and all that it holds.  Or doesn’t.  I could die tomorrow and that would be just fine by me!

Don’t worry.  I will wake up tomorrow.  Although, I don’t know what that fucking means, either.

Apologies for bothering all the happy people, or even the unhappy ones re: this.  The are no answers.  Well, there is one.  A final and ultimate one but like I said, I’ll be awake in the morning.

9 Comments

  1. Rose

    December 22, 2009 at 22:07

    I wish I could do something to help you feel better. ((Hugs))

    Like

  2. altonwoods

    December 22, 2009 at 22:27

    I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew the questions! My brain has just “gone” in a way that it NEVER has before, and I don’t know WHY!

    We all know that “shit happens”…I think what you’re having is a “when does the shit STOP happening moment”

    Explaining Your life…

    Hope this helps…You take care!

    Like

  3. Svasti

    December 22, 2009 at 22:41

    Please, NEVER feel like you’re bothering people when you feel like this, okay?

    That’s what friends are for, especially those who’ve had their own battles with mental monsters.

    Take it easy and remember you’re not alone, okay? *hugs*

    Like

  4. Fabulous Frenzy

    December 22, 2009 at 23:50

    I’m not busy and lost in the holidays….I’m here. I have been truly at peace during the “holidays” since I took the focus off of falling into the trap of buying a bunch of crap and expecting a bunch of crap during this time. Anymore I think people should just exchange 20 dollar bills! lol.. Christmas is a birthday and I hold fast to that. No, my precious child does not wake up to a bunch of presents. I will spoil him on his birthday, but not on Christ’s. The holiday that I get really totally overjoyed about is Easter, the day Christ rose. What holiday do you like?

    Like

  5. cristinafender

    December 23, 2009 at 06:51

    I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. I know the feeling well. Try and focus on the positives in your life.

    You will feel better. It just may take some time.

    I’ll be thinking of you.

    Best,
    Cristina

    Like

  7. realJIMMY

    December 23, 2009 at 18:11

    Sweetie, you are not ‘filled with evil’. There isn’t an evil bone in your body (well, ok, your left pinky is a bit suspicious-looking, but then again left pinkys are notoriously misbehaved!)
    I know exactly how you feel, as I have felt it many times in the past. In fact this may well be the first year that I am free of that feeling! Ysee Xmas is about family by and large, and that has always been a sore point for me! So to see everyone else happy and joyful at this time of year is just a reminder of the things in life I lack. Wishing everyone else would stop being so damn happy was just logical!
    I am told that the enlightened path is to not let the happiness of others bring you down, but to be happy for them that they have the opportunities and pleasures they do. If you manage that, please let me know how as I still can’t quite manage it!

    But you know what did help me? Realising that for all I lack in this world, I have some excellent friends I can count on and who I can talk to about anything from the colour of a magpie’s tongue to suspicious lumps on my tackle. And you have that too. The friends I mean, not suspicious lumps on your tackle. At least, not as far as I’m aware! :P

    We only got to know each other relatively recently you and I, but I consider you a close friend. I know you will always be there for me if I should ever need you, and I hope you know that I’m here for you too. And what’s more, you make me laugh :) you have a great sense of humour and that has brought smiles to my winter days :)

    So please take care sweetie, and I’ll be looking in regularly to see how you are! Give AspiePenguin a big hug from me too :)
    *huggles*
    -Jimmy

    Like

  8. patientanonymous

    December 23, 2009 at 18:26

    First, thank you to everyone that responded. It really means a lot. Oh, this Post. Oh, dear. I’ve written totally, crazed and explosive ones before, but here? I just don’t want anyone to see me like this or even at all, right now.

    I had to take some time here. I was out. I responded a bit more here, on Twitter. Email a bit. I don’t like to keep people waiting. Maybe I’ll toss up another Post just for the hell of it? Have to call Mental Mommy tonight for the family gig?

    My responses may not even make a lot of sense back to you, as I don’t know where I am from one moment, hour, day…to the next. So, forgive me if things are all buggered.

    Future Posts may end up that way as well. Both I, and this blog, may be pretty fucked up for a while.

    Hi Rose. Thanks. I wish I could do something, too. I know with your “full house,” there could be something (or was something) of an Aspie nature going on. Even though I was with a friend, “doing social” seemed draining? Possible meltdown? I don’t get “rage-y,” though. Not me. Scared the shit out of me when I just fell apart. I don’t know.

    Hi altonwoods. I see that you are new here? Welcome to my blog. In that instant, it really was what I wrote, even if it may not have seemed to make sense. Not much is making sense in my world right now.

    However, based upon all that has been building up, I have asked the question you have raised countless times. Absolutely.

    Thank you, as well.

    Hi Svasti. Hugs to you, too. I want to say, that I don’t want you guys to think of me when you’re all having such a good time. I don’t want to bring you down as I… Hey, maybe a miracle may happen, and I’ll be happy as a lark when I wake up tomorrow! Erm…yeah.

    But you guys have fun and try not to think of me? *rolls eyes* Or, maybe try and think of a happy version of me? Maybe that might work?

    Hi Fabulous Frenzy. No, I don’t “buy” into the commercialism of X-mASS or anything. Garbage. What holidays do I like? None, really. I think they’re all pretty pointless, and don’t serve much of a purpose. They were never “fun” growing up, due to all of the family messiness. That kind of sticks with you.

    Again, as I’ve previously stated, I can be fine with X-mASS or not. The others? I don’t think they are as triggery as people don’t make such a big deal about them? Probably. I don’t know.

    Hi cristinafender. I think you are new as well, so welcome. Thank you, too, for your kind words. Very much.

    Hi May. Thanks. Big hugs back.

    Like

  9. patientanonymous

    December 23, 2009 at 18:39

    Hi RealJIMMY. You slipped in there when I was leaving the other responses.

    Thank you.

    Yes, I know well the path of which you speak, and I do practise it. However, at times like these I have always found it difficult to regain my footing.

    I am very happy for you that this is the first year that you will experience happiness at X-mASS. That is good.

    I am glad I make you happy, and yes, you can count on me–unless, or at least, until I may need to leave this earth. Thank you for allowing me the same.

    Huggles to you too.

    Like


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