Archive for January 13th, 2010

Right.  How much of my mental rainbow did I display to Merlin #2, today? Or to myself, for that matter?

Asperger’s? Oh, yes! I was one, massive Stimfest! Anything of a remotely, visual stim had me totally transfixed.  This woman had the most awesome jacket.  It looked an entire, big screen television FILLED with Tetris©!!! If she was closer to me, and I felt I could actually speak at the moment, I would have asked her where she bought it! Even though a more dangerous option would have entailed theft and assault charges, rip it off her? Hey, at least I could have remained non-verbal.  Plus, the jacket would have fit me. *grins*

I was worried about making the appt. on time, so my right hand went a tiny bit “flappy-flappy,” on public transit.  Then, when in the waiting room, I started to perseverate in little “sighing sounds.”  I also had complete Aspie Face.  Flat as a pancake, run over by a 10 tonne truck. *laughing* I saw the receptionist cast a sideways glance, but she’s a sweetheart.  She’s just never seen me stim before.

Time to go in! We exchanged pleasantries, which today consisted of mutual: “Heyyyyyy…’s”  I often wonder what other patients must think of our relationship, as it is rather different.  He’s my partner in crime regarding my health, as are all of my other physicians.  They know I’m a med geek, just as much as he does, so, quite “different” relationships all around.

Hell, I’ve addressed him so pedantically, and yet, with a touch of odd prosody, I’ve sounded like a Shakespearean stage player who’s had several too many! So, I jumped into one of his cushy chairs, curled up in a wee ball with my feet all over the arms, and what not.  Typical. *shrugs* Now, time to launch into one of my, also typical, rants speeches about my life.

More per centages of my craziness.  The Asperger’s had pretty much calmed down, but I was talking so fast, would that fall into the “Pressured Speech” area of Bipolar, or my ADD? I’m kind of lacking the “H” of ADHD, as my dx. is ADD Inattentive Type.  So, a toss up there, as I’ve been both really stressed and really scattered.  He even looked at me and said, “You can get really worked up!” I said to him, it was all the stress.  We both know I can get worked up, anyway.  It makes a lot of sense, due to all of my dx’s and him being my Psychiatrist, right? *rolls eyes*

Ah, that stress.  You see, the whole appt. was about me going back to school in order to get a job (and getting a job period.)  The school part is to hopefully make me more employable, and increase my chances of getting a job.  Comprende? I also needed a letter from him to go back to the “job disability place.”

For new readers, the story of the “jdp” goes back a fair while.  To try and keep this brief for everyone, when I was actively looking for work, these people were fab.  They help people with all sorts of physical and mental problems gain employment.  However, there were some nutty interruptions along my path.  They went through some internal changes, and I got dropped during that period.  I fell completely off their radar.  Then, I went through some major brain blowups, and from this point forward, I need a letter saying I am now medically cleared to go back to them.  That’s basically it.

Now, my PTSD was cool during the appt.  Nothing came about there.  I didn’t have a seizure in the middle of his office.  Well, Epilepsy doesn’t make you loony; it just makes me loony because my damn seizures won’t bugger off! I didn’t get a migraine, either.  Those we can knock off the list.  So, maybe I only nailed 50% of my mentalness? Roughly?

Merlin #2 was fine with everything I said and wanted, but he did make a comment about me doing all of this.  He said that once I started, there was no going back and I couldn’t get sick again.  I shot him a look like he was the most stupid person on the planet.  Make no mistake.  He’s not.  I know his comment was made out of care.  I think? *smirks*

I stopped for a second and then said to him, “Seriously.  Do you think I can control my seizures? I have Epilepsy! I can’t control Epilepsy! Can I control triggers? No! I can’t say I’ll never have another Bipolar episode ever again in my life!” Oh, dear…  I do tend to shoot my mouth off to my physicians; I won’t lie.  However, I consider myself to be “frank.”  I wasn’t rude.  The above is just fact.  Maybe he had an “Aspie Moment,” and couldn’t get his bloody words straight, or messed up with social cues! *laughing so hard*

Anyway, all worked out, of course.  Being the gem that he is, he left me with yet another “verbal hug.”  This time, he called me a “Hero.”  Thanks, Merlin #2, Baby.

CODA: To all of those reading who have shitty-assed medical care, please keep trying to find better.  It’s very hard and very discouraging.  I know it is.  It’s taken me years and years to assemble the wonderful team that I have–and very much need.  I know how blessed and lucky I am.  Don’t give up.  There are good, if not great, practitioners out there.  There really are.