Archive for January, 2010


Those last ones up there had been so for too long, I felt.  Let’s spin another!

It’s cold, here! However, it is January. I shouldn’t really be complaining too much.  On top of that, where I am, we actually had a wonderful October, November and a relatively decent December.  Quite odd.  Plus, not much snow to speak of yet! So, I really should shut my gob! Now, watch us get a big dump of the white stuff tomorrow!

Anyway, I think this one is quite appropriate.  Also, it makes me think of someone rather special.  I like to do that with MP3 of the Moment.  Play songs for folks that I know and love.  People that I care about.  And also take requests!

Now, here’s a oldie but a goodie from the 80s.  How many of you remember Roddy?

“Walk Out to Winter” by Aztec Camera


I opened up my email today and found quite a surprise! I had to read it a couple of times.  It seems I have been nominated for one of The 2010 Canadian Weblog Awards. I see. I have no idea how this happened.  At least with the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards, I did.  Although, what I mean to say is, how in a certain way–how I was literally nominated.  Here? No clue.

I put up a little Tweet, but if one of my Followers pulled a “sneaky,” they didn’t “@patientanon.”  If it wasn’t one of my Followers, they still didn’t “@” me.  If it was another fellow blogger, or reader that I know, they are remaining silent.  Do they think they are playing some sort of prank on me? That’s fine.  The last option could be a reader of mine, who is remaining just as anonymous as I am.  That’s fine, as well.  In fact, all of the options are fine, as I am extremely flattered.  Again!

This is the third time that my blog has been considered for any type of award; any type of recognition on such a large scale.  This befuddles me and boggles my mind, immensely.  It never has before in the three years (and a bit), that it’s been up and running.  I don’t think either my blog, or I, am worthy of such attention! Seriously, people.

With Psych Central, I had no clue until I saw a Google incoming link.  It was about someone else winning a blog award, but it didn’t specify the award.  It did mention the author’s blog name, though.  I wasn’t familiar with the blog, and how I was connected with it, so I clicked and read.  BONG! I was considered as a “Top Ten’er” by Psych Central for the Bipolar Category! Huh?

I was even more confused with the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards.  Also, all three of these accolades’ badges are on my left sidebar, including links to their sites.

I didn’t even know I had been nominated, until I saw some Referrals from my web stats! Then, I completely got caught up in a huge melee, as it was a real, “Hip, Hip, Ho!” No, really! It went so fast! All of the nominations and voting was done right at the end of year.  Since I’d never been nominated for anything, I was terribly lost.  I didn’t even have time to put the badge on my site! At least it’s there now? *laughing*

This time around, I think I’m getting the hang of it. *laughing again*  Also, with The 2010 Canadian Weblog Awards, things work a bit differently.  With the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards, the voting process was done by the public.  With The 2010 Canadian Weblog Awards, winners are selected via a juried panel.  Although, with both, one thing is similar.  The nomination process can still be done by the public.  Should the blogs meet certain criteria, they may be included.

Finally, once more, thank you to whomever it was for nominating me! The process just started, and I got tossed up there immediately! Holy crap! *shakes head*


I’m trying to keep myself occupied, because I feel so disgusting from a “GERD Guerilla Gambit,” and a “Mysterious Migraine Molestation.”  Both seem to have occurred within 12 hours of each other.  PA is not amused.  Nonetheless, there is not much she can do beyond flaking out, taking meds, et cetera!

So, I’ve been looking at some writing.  Just looking at it…no actual writing, or editing, or the like.  Hell, no! I’d kill anything I touched, right now!

Not long ago, I found some old notebooks and things.  I just sat down and had a look.  They were so old, I had no clue what might be in them.  There could have been nothing, for all I knew.  There were actually some personal, journal entries in some, which surprised me as I’ve never been good at that.  However, due to that fact, no surprise that there were only a few.

This one (or part of one), made me kind of laugh.  It’s about stopping Effexor/Venlafaxine.  Just a bit of background first, though.  Also, bear in mind, meds are different for everyone.  Effexor may rock for lots of folks.

I’m one of those with Bipolar who can not take ADs at all.  They probably make me go more nuts than taking no meds period.  Effexor was by far the worst! It gave me so many side effects, some that are unbelievably rare, and it lowered my seizure threshold so low I was falling down and shaking and quaking…  This was also prior to my dx. of Epilepsy.  More fun.

I also was on and off it several times, courtesy of my former GP, Dr. Asshole.  He would never listen to me when I told him that I could not take ADs.  So, here is an excerpt of how crazed I was, and how pissed off I was at Effexor.  Also, ticked off for being mental and…well, meds in general, you could say? You can tell by my lovely style of writing! *laughing*

Unfortunately, there is no date for this entry (I told you I suck at journalling!) but it is old! So, I don’t know which time this was for me stopping Effexor.  I think it may have been the first.

I think the sickest I’ve ever felt in my entire life, was when I stopped taking Effexor.  Although the drugs seem inconsequential when you take them, they are not.  Despite their small, almost foolish appearances, they are actually Almighty Gods of your conscious, and do not favour you when you spurn them.

Effexor…effectively neuters you, and for me, the effect did not stop below the waist.  I remember reading a quote in an article where the author said that Psychotropic Drugs made feelings irrelevant, and took away any need for emotion.  It is a strange kind of numbness that one can get used to, considering the type of overwrought, emotional existence that, in essence, is your only alternative.  Medication saves your life, but somehow only returns a portion of it to you, and selfishly keeps the remainder for itself.  Every freedom has its price to pay.

Good lord! What the hell is that?! Also, I had to fix up a lot of grammar, spelling and punctuation! This was also prior to my correct dx. of Bipolar.  Even, still!

Out.Of.My.Mind.

I know all meds can come with side effects, finding the right ones can be a pain…blah, blah, blah.  Meds are really important, though! Well, that’s my stance, and people around here know that–or at least all they need to do is take a stroll through my blog to learn the fact.

Ah, well.  Crazy is as crazy writes? Or did? Or maybe still does. *grins*


Hello, to you all.  Things may or may not be a bit quiet around here for…well, I don’t know that either! Will it be quiet? If so, for how long? I just wanted to share at least that little bit, though.  Yes, sometimes people get a little worried if others “disappear” from the online world.  Even more so, if that person is under a lot of stress.

PA is under a lot of stress.  She’s back to keeping somewhat odd hours due to that fact, and…well, things seem a bit out of my reach, but I’m trying my best to keep what I can, on an even keel.

Tonight she continued to “negotiate” with what looks more and more like her future place of education–and the gentleman who runs it.  Her blood pressure began to rise when she looked at the total cost of the complete program.  However, she is tailoring it specifically to her needs, as she has already acquired certain knowledge in the field.  Let us all hope with that “acquired knowledge,” the tuition will drop proportionately in significant amounts!

I’m going to try and coerce little PA to get some rest now, even if it’s not sleep.  I’ll get her knocked out eventually, though.  Even if I have to wrestle her to the ground and shove her meds down her throat!

Take care,
AP


Before I begin, let’s get one thing straight.  I am not a “Literary Critic.”  No.  Actually, I write.  That fact may automatically disqualify me from being a Literary Critic, completely.

I once considered entering the world of Publishing as a career.  During my first class to study for this, the CEO of a very, large, International Publishing House began by saying: “If you are a writer and want to become an Editor, you can just forget about that right now!”

I found that very amusing, and so was she.  She’s a fantastic woman, even though she is no longer holding that position.  So, now that I have dispensed with that little preamble, the review of this book.

‘Truth, Love, Blood and Bones,’ is comprised of 41 poems.  Stylistically, they are written in a free form, and are relatively brief (although, perhaps, only by some contemporary standards.)  However, any such brevity in no way renders them lacking in worthy material.  Additionally, it may broaden scope, and offer more accessibility to the reader.

A main theme is noted in references to nature.  However, it may (willingly or not), succumb to a degree of subjugation.  Any tipping of the scales would happen after such exposure to the author’s emotion, conveyed through her work.  The writing is clear, insightful and very strong at times. Yet, despite how strong it is, it does not come across in a forceful or overbearing fashion.  If any spotlight is to be shone upon this book (or its author), it is not a glaring one.  Further, there are no “spotlights” to be shone upon its readers.

I found two intriguing things about this book.  First, as you begin reading it, and continue to do so, it has an incredible draw.  It makes you want to keep delving further–to just keep going.  When I read it the first time, I had to finish it completely.  I could not stop.  It was only later that I could slow down and give pause for thoughtful consideration.

The second thing, and here is where I was somewhat “off” in my critique, was a bit of a surprise.  Initially, I thought the book would have benefited from some opening structure to guide the reader.  I felt a little off kilter.  I didn’t know what I was getting into, as the title, ‘Truth, Love, Blood and Bones’ was so specific in its wording.  I was wondering if I (and subsequent readers), were going to be sent on some sort of Wild Goose chase!

Boy, am I glad I didn’t suggest an addition of any sort of “Table of Contents,” page! The “surprise” I received was quite a twist.  Kudos to the author, if done intentionally (as I suspect it must have been.)

From the start, you are given a view of the world at large, seen through the author’s eyes.  As you travel along, you are then abruptly brought into a section, that demonstrates the strength of women and their power.  After leaving with that crescendo still resonating, you are next carried into a wonderful and heart pounding existence of love.  There, several scenarios of what love can mean await your arrival.

Recommendations? Here are a few that I suggest:

“What Chases My Hart*” – This struck me as so breathtaking.  It’s as simple as that.  Well, my word of choosing; not the poetic piece.

“Women Grow Strong” – I found this the most powerful of those that displayed the works surrounding women.  The writing and the imagery combined make out outstanding.

“J’adore” – What a title! I did fall in love with this one!

“Xocolatl” – This was my absolute favourite.  It completely blew me away.

To purchase this book, you may do so here.

To learn more about the author, you may do so here.


Yes, it just might be.  I had forgotten about this.  Which should really come as no surprise, as I forget about a lot of things.  I took a “Beginner’s Web Design Course,” over two years ago.  I thought it might make me more employable.  No, it made me more insane.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and let’s just say that I am extremely weak in this area.

The place where I studied also offers other courses.  Aha.  This was by far, the most important call I needed to make today, in trying repair my entire, professional life.  I didn’t know if they still offered the course.  Plus, I needed to do a bit of “weasling,” to see if I could pull off things exactly as I wanted.  I think I may have done it.

You see, the course is offered over a significant period, and I can’t wait that long.  Come this spring, I will have been out of work for two goddamn years!!! If I was going to do this, I needed to try and fast track myself through the entire process.  I had to negotiate, and basically tailor the complete program to my own benefit! Weasling, indeed! *laughing*

I am not a good negotiator.  Not at all! I think Spock may have stepped in and taken over.

The guy who runs the place is really good.  We spent a fair amount of time on the phone, going over various options and scenarios, with me telling him what I needed and wanted.  He didn’t really disagree with anything I had to say.  Rather the opposite, actually! We seemed to agree on pretty much everything!

So, how did I do this? Well, I “forgot” about some uni. stuff I already had under my belt.  Also, combined with my previous work experience, more to chop off this course? We then ran through what was left, and he said he would get back to me–presumably to crunch some numbers.  I could possibly qualify for some financial assistance, but I repeated to him, I do not have the time to find out! I’ll take what they can give me ASAP! I’ll pay out of pocket!

One thing they offer with it, as well, is some CO-OP stuff.  I told him I’d definitely go for that if I can get my hands on it! Looks good on the resume, possible job prospects via Networking…who knows? Hell, maybe a placement where I do it? *head spinning over all of this*

I also called Merlin #2 for an appt.  There’s some more “professional weasling” stuff there to deal with–also just a mental tete-a-tete required. *sighs*

I still need to do other stuff today.  This is taxing, however.  I’m taking a break and trying very hard not to slip into “Procrastination Mode.”  I think I’m failing on that one. *suddenly feels exhausted*


The documentation for this will be pretty much as messy as per my last seizure.  This is due to the length of time and the events that occurred for both.  Thankfully, it wasn’t nearly as bad as my last seizure! God, not even close! That one is way up there as one of my absolute worst! *heaves HUGE sigh of relief*

The LAST thing I need right now is to end up post-“ick”tal© for the next few days! Maybe I shouldn’t speak (write?) so soon? I think I’ll be fine.

Okay.  The entire duration lasted app. 40 minutes? I was travelling home from J.’s, and because of the various events, there was no possible way for me to time everything.  I can make some guesses? There were two things that were relatively consistent, however.  Epigastric rising and DP/DR were present with the events as they occurred, rather hither and yon.

To begin, two Olfactory Seizures.  The first consisted of a smell of faeces alone.  The second consisted of both faeces and a smell of a type of cheese that would be strong–the type that would put a lot of people off, but I can not give you an exact example.  Like Limburger? I don’t know.  I can’t describe it.  These lasted under a minute, but I can not say how long apart they occurred.  I would guess…several minutes? I know.  How long is “several minutes?” A bit of my consciousness was altered by the Simple Partial DP/DR?

After that, some intermittent, rapid eye blinking and blurred vision.  I could not time it all, though, because it was SO intermittent! Not being able to take accurate accounts of my seizure activity drives me nuts.

My right arm began to feel ever, so slightly weak.  Just a tiny, tiny bit.  My neck felt a bit more weak, but not so much.  Not so much as before, when I have not been able to support my head.  This time, I only felt like I was about to reach that point…perhaps? Again, only just a touch of weakness there?

No specific time measurements with that, either.  The DP/DR was still monkeying about.  I did manage to find a seat where I could prop myself up against a bit of “wall.”  Lots of fun to suddenly fall all over the damn place, drop to the floor, or who knows what in front of a crowd! *rolls eyes*

Actually, it’s okay.  I’ve done it before.  You could say I’m kind of used to it? “Public Displays of Epilepsy?” *laughing*

I guess that’s it? Oh, and if anyone is wondering about “smelling shit” when you have a seizure? That’s actually a really common type of Olfactory Seizure.  I know.  Weird, huh? It makes you constantly want to check the bottoms of your shoes! *laughing again*

POSTSCRIPT: Actually, coin toss.  Or, can a coin land on both of its sides at once?

I’m really, really tired right now.  Am I post-“ick”tal©? Is it stress? Both? No doubt (or I’m “betting”) the stress lowered my threshold enough to seize.  But now I’m thinking…40 minutes is a damn, long time for your brain to be all Trippin’ Out in Epilepsy Land–even if you’re not continually seizing. If I was, I’d be in Simple Partial Status, and WHOO, I’d be one little screwed up PA! Then, I’d be screaming post-“ick”tal©!

After you seize, you can go through various stages of being post-“ick”tal©  Immediately post-“ick”tal© you can become very tired.  Even well after you seize, too.  I may just be there, now? Ah, well.  If I wake up sick as a dog tomorrow morning, I’ll just be moaning, “Epilepsy Sucks…Epilepsy Sucks…” over and over again. *smirks*


“Life is a river we poor mortals sail on.  Now you can drift with the current, ending up in the weeds of malcontent with the rest of the flotsam.  Or, dear Joshua, you can paddle your own canoe right through the storms of temptation into the ocean of plenty.”  — Joshua Then and Now © 1980 Mordecai Richler

Tonight, I may not have rid myself so much of malcontent, but the temptation of yielding toward it? And it is not so much that I have felt malcontent for these people, but more…misunderstanding? However, I will not deny that under these certain circumstances, there exists a potential for malcontent.

There is a bit of irony as to why I have opened this Post with that quote.  It all has to do with time.  This entire Post has to do with time! I read the above book during my sixth hospital stay and during it, I was dealing with one person who ties into this.  There are others, too.  Still, continuing with the irony, even on the same page where I wrote the above down, there is more of my writing dealing with this subject matter!

The kernel of it all is: “Why have people come into my life and then left…” With horrific reasons? With no reasons? Then some have even come back and something more bizarre happens? Eventually, they do leave again, though.

Before I delved into some of this, a bit of “purging” if you will, I decided to take my second Valium of the day.  Thank goodness I have a pharmacy full at home, and several pharmacies full of repeats.  I knew this would be difficult.  I would be reading some emotionally laden things.  Some written to me, things I had written that I couldn’t even recall what I’d said, as some of it all was a fair while back.

It was odd.  It wasn’t so much that I hadn’t already accepted that these people had left my life.  However, one could say there is a difference between “acceptance” and “understanding.”  Quite so.  Tonight, for some reason, I just felt I needed to “go over it all” again.  Maybe you need to keep doing things like this, in attempt to gain clarity in life.

One person was very hard.  Oh, how I cried reading some things.  Then I found some other things, some gifts that I will obviously keep.  I am not one to toss things out like that in a mad rage, or anything.  No, I am very sentimental.

Then, I just laid down on my bed and cried some more for a while.  Then, I started running around my flat like a mad woman! I was trying to see if I’d ever written down anything else remotely related to people in my life who had disappeared! Perhaps I hadn’t suffered enough torment, already? Then, I went back to my bed and just sat like a statue.  I don’t know when I became mobile again.

I don’t know if I’m “gaining” any more “clarity” into why people seem to disappear from my life.  So many people have provided me with their opinions and answers, but they do not ring true in my own head.  What they say somehow just doesn’t make sense to me.  It seems too…simplistic? In terms of my social perceptions of the world, this entire area for me may be totally out of whack, anyway!

What may work best for me, is to let them disappear from my life. That may be a very tall order, but something worth considering as a possibility? Also, even if any exists at all, let them definitely disappear with no malcontent.


Maybe this won’t torture you.  Maybe you’re a fan of 90s Dance Music.  However…

Little Poofter went to see Big Poofter last night, as he is flying back to London in a couple of days.  She brought baby MacBook as she wasn’t sure if he had any CDs left at his “Canadian Home.”  Not really.  Though, a few that he handed over as he said he may not be back until at least next Christmas?

Little Poofter and Big Poofter are really stoopid together.  Or they can be.  He burned her a CD and while some of the music is good, oh the laughs they had at other tracks! Some laughs were warranted for “good” songs but…  Blasts from the past?

So, this was a pure howl as they got a chance to “re-live” their gay clubbing days of years ago with all their “Fellow Poofters.”  Little Poofter was the only “Female Poofter.”  If she was straight, she would have been the biggest Fag Hag going!

Oh, here’s another one from the past.  It involves a straight (or not?!) guy friend they had.  Little Poofter nicknamed him “Muscle Muffin” as he was small, but would never cease to “brag” about how good shape he was in (not really…)  He started having this “fling” with some little twink, that Little Poofter then nicknamed “Linda Evangelista.”  No, this young kid really looked like her! No joke!

Anyway, on with the show!

“Where Do You Go” by No Mercy

Sorries, indeed, if “no mercy” has been spared with this one. *laughing*